First Jump Yesterday

[freemis 0]

Hi to whoever's out there...

It didn't occur to me yesterday evening to search for a forum and talk to people who've actually done this, but now that I've found you, I hope you can give me some insight.

I always viewed skydiving as something courageous (or at least a type of courage), and having had the shame of fear instilled in me at an early age, I wanted to belong to the category of people who were able to do what most couldn't - or wouldn't. A couple of years ago, I tried to organize a group of people to go, but for various reasons (availability, fear, cost, fear) the group never coalesced, and this plan fell by the wayside. A couple of weeks ago I saw a short film on skydiving, and I went home and thought to myself that if I was serious, that if I truly wanted this and wasn't just all talk and wasn't just wanting the idea of it, then I had to do. I made the call myself. I told no one I was going, and I was going alone, on my time and on my choice .

The morning of, I was queasy, to say the least. I ate a breakfast that I was convinced would soon be thrown up and temporarily questioned if I really needed to do this. The answer was yes, though, without at doubt. Not because the of the non-refundable $75, but because of the non-refundable dignity.

So, I got there - DZ in RI, but after the paperwork and the film, I wound up waiting for literarly 3 hours because someone was shooting a pilot for a show. It was ample time to get week in the legs. The fact that everyone was so reassuring was actually not reassuring. It was overwhelming. I wasn't worried about safety. The people there had tremendous experience and my tendem instructor was amazing (over 20 years of experience, as well as that of having been a stuntman in 3 movies - calm, kind, and incredibly skilled). I only feared my stomach dropping and - this, especially this - that when the door opened, I would freeze and wouldn't be able to do it. Everyone who came down confirmed that the door opening was the hardest moment. As I waited, another person came in, who'd jump at the same time - he already went 4 times. He kept saying I would drive home feeling proud of myself. I guess the entire day everyone told me what I would and wouldn't feel.

Finally, when it was my turn to get ready, the fear took a backseat. As soon as I was no longer a spectator, the nerves turned into excitement. Everyone was friendly, joking, kind. The ride up was a mixture of moment of sporadic jolts of fear mingled with increasing - and suprising - sense of complete peace. I always felt peace in an airplane. The man who was jumping at the same time asked if I wanted him to go first, but I said no. I wanted to take the reins by taking the lead. So, then the door opened and the videographer climbed out. And the amazing thing is that I didn't have an ounce of fear at that point. I felt complete surrender. I trusted my instructor, and I guess, I trusted the universe.

But as soon as we fell out, there was tremndous acceleration to the point that I gasped and then forgot to breathe out. I think I screamed, although I can't be sure because I remember so little of this now, but when I got down my throat was hoarse so I think I did. Everything I was told I forgot to do - my instructor needed to take me by the arms to pull them out and he held my hands and held to the videographer's foot, as well. There were moment I felt I was dying, that we were hurtling out of control before we began to float. And I was running out of air, not realizing I could breathe if I wanted to. I kept thinking the shute would open already so I could breathe. And then when it opened - and the jerk back, unlike what others said, was pretty minimal, I was fine. The kind of amazing thing is that I think my instructor must have known I was shell shocked, because the first thing he said - which is the first thing anyone said all day that was not "it's going to be incredible" - was that this was a shock to the senses. For that I was so grateful. The rest of the ride was fine. I landed and the camera was there, and I must have had an instinct to smile and say everthing was great. The typical response to "how are you." On the way back, I don't know if it was the chemicals, but no one seemed as friendly. They were all matter of fact. When I came back into the office, again, I felt like I had no choice to say it was good, even though I was reeling. I felt like people were asking me "How do you like my child?" And what can you answer?

I drove home - an hour ride that felt like 10 minutes. I think my sense of time must have changed. All I kept thinking was how alone I felt. What was wrong with me for not feeling thrilled. I did feel a difference in my body, but it's not what everyone described it to me. I tried to talk about it to a couple of people, but they too expected a certain story. Only the funny thing, when they asked me if I'd do it again - my only answer each and everytime and immediately was yes. Only I don't understand why I feel really, really shocked. On my way out, the instructors realized I came alone - most of them assumed I came with the man who jumped with me - and commended me (I'm female and look much younger than my age). But the odd thing is that I don't feel courageous. I don't feel it at all. I don't have any regrets. I just feel shocked, and separate, and very inward. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? I had to work this morning and I felt my attitude toward others was different - like there was this core of me that I had that I didn't need to spend.

Please, someone out there tell me I'm not really screwed up because no one has told me that this is what it could feel like. I have literally been crying almost non-stop.

[Michele 1]

Hi, Freemis!

First, congratulations, and very well done.

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Please, someone out there tell me I'm not really screwed up because no one has told me that this is what it could feel like. I have literally been crying almost non-stop.

I don't think you're terribly screwed up. I think you're fine.

The first time I jumped, I was quiet for about 5 days afterwards. Now, you have to know me to understand that particular little gem, but it's rather significant. I kept pulling out the photos from my jump, and staring at them. I kept wondering why I was grinning so big, why I felt so good, doing something so un-natural...

I think, honestly, that we meet ourselves all over again when we take to the sky. Face to face with our own selves, we confront our emotions, our fears, our joys, our lives...but there is no future, there is no ago, we just are...right now, right here, we are now in a very real sense. We are not courageous, we are not confident, shy, outgoing, smart, stupid; we just are. And in meeting ourselves again for the first time in this way, it changes perspective.

I feel it's akin to being whole and complete, perfect in my skin, the way I was meant to be, and the way I cannot be while on the ground. I can be nothing other than where I am; I can't think of files, clients, relationships, stocks, bonds, the dog...I can just be, dancing there in the blueness that reaches forever.

There is a vulnerability that we work to hide while we are on the ground. There may be good reasons for that, you know? But we work hard to hide that innate vulnerability. We put up walls, we protect, we hide ourselves - our deep insides - from others...but in the sky, we are yanked abruptly and completely from inside those walls, and thrust into the infinite blue naked, vulnerable, and pure. And in that nakedness, in that vulnerability, in that purity, we are complete and real and perfect.

I find that I am, often, resistent to come back to my world once I've jumped. I've learned how to make the transition a bit smoother, but it's still sometimes very very difficult. I find myself resisting climbing back behind those walls, and leaving my self hidden again. And I realize it's all good, no matter what, because I now know how different I am when unfettered and soaring. I know I can come back out, and be free again, be whole again...

I think I understand, Freemis.

Ain't this grand? Welcome home.

Ciels-
Michele

~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek
While our hearts lie bleeding?~

[hooked 0]

Absolutely GREAT posts!!!!! Michele, you've put into words, exactly how it feels!!!

Freemis: Keep jumping!

Jan

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Sometimes we're just being Humans.....But we're always Human Beings.

[freemis 0]

Michele, thank you. That's absolutely true - you just are, and I think that's what I have been today, especially at work (I teach, so half the time I am strategizing and responding and trying to control the situations). I think what you said makes so much sense. You become who you are and the core of us is probably a lot quieter and more at peace than we realize it because we're so used to the "ground life."

When you put it as you did, it made sense.

Question: Does the fear that accompanies acceleration lesson with each jump? My first thought when the shute opened was I could never imagine being able to do this solo.

[Michele 1]

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Does the fear that accompanies acceleration lesson with each jump? My first thought when the shute opened was I could never imagine being able to do this solo.

Yes. It does, and for some (ahem, me...) it takes some time. Others adjust to it rapidly. Only time and experience will tell what will happen to you.

One of the tricks I've used is reminding myself I know already where the ground is, I don't need to look at it. So I look up, I look out, I look around.

I recall during my student jumps climbing out, and just taking a moment to look across the top of the airplane...seeing the clouds piled up against the mountains in the distance, seeing the grey blend into puffy white, and feel the wind hitting my face. I let go of the plane, and had one of the most fun jumps I'd had to date...that one second of choice, that one moment of seeing things so clearly, made my mind uncramp, and let me really experience things.

With your first jump, you are overwhelmed. You are flying...and it's something completely unequatable to other experiences. The feelings, the sounds, the motions, the sights...all are completely new, and your head has to take a bit to get around that. Once your head does get around it, things start to come into place. Slowly, but they do. You start realizing breathing is natural...the sound is normal; the sudden silence under canopy after the noise of freefall becomes a moment unto yourself, where you gather yourself back for the final leg of this journey we do a minute at a time.

Eventually, the deceleration and snapping of the canopy becomes the best thing ever, because you understand that the canopy is there, slowing your descent, allowing you to come back to earth gently (well, mostly so...) and creates an opportunity for you do experience the sky again.

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You become who you are and the core of us is probably a lot quieter and more at peace than we realize it because we're so used to the "ground life."

Yes, I think that's so. I believe that who we are at our core is perfect, and not part of the chatter and noise which surrounds us is daily ground life. I think, while we struggle to make our way through this world, that what is our essence can be buried, can be lost, can be subsumed by just trying to get through the day successfully.

I see the quietness of soul in people who've really understood what's important; and I strive to be quiet in self on the ground as much as possible. It's not possible to be there all the time, but there is lots of times where we distract ourselves from knowing that because it's frightening. Especially in western cultures, we attach so much value on acquisition that it becomes the only way we can determine our worth. But I think, and for me at least, that the quieter I can be in my inside self, the more productive, really productive I am. I don't mean in dollars, or in materialism...but I mean in staying "now", in creating value in circumstantial happenings, and knowing I've made a difference somehow, some way, if only to myself, at the end of the day. I make sure I spend my time in the world, instead of just moving through it, from one thing to another, from one chore/job to another.

For you, being more quiet today, sensing and allowing the core of self to be apparent, is quite a blessing indeed. How wonderful that you're allowing this, and not frantically slamming the walls back up...seeing the noise for what it is, and allowing self to be in the world instead of hiding back is a wonderful personal step and great accomplishment.

Again, welcome home; welcome back to self.
Ciels-
Michele

~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek
While our hearts lie bleeding?~

[freemis 0]

Thanks, Michele. Your writing is just amazing.

[Michele 1]

Welcome, I'm sure.

Ciels-
Michele

~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek
While our hearts lie bleeding?~

[Jeth 0]

freemis, I just wanted to tell you that I felt the same way after my 1st jump. I was excited when we landed, but there were also other emotions I couldn't really identify. I had complete faith in my TM (he is also very experienced with over 10,000 jumps). So I never felt fear of getting hurt or dying, but I think it was fear of the unknown. Those first few seconds when you're still accelerating -- that was intense. I had to tell myself, "Ok, open your eyes. You're flying!" But then when I did it was so awesome. I saw the videoographer right there in front of me and started hamming it up. The canopy ride was so cool, too. My TM did some spirals after I said I love roller coasters.
After we landed I felt good, but didn't want to go back up right away again. I think I was kind of in shock. It wasn't till the next day that I really started thinking about it. I started examining every detail in my mind. I kept looking at the pictures and watching the video over and over. I, too, had problelms talking to people about it. I didn't cry, but I was very deep in thought for 5 days straight. My mind was completely dedicated to my jump, and learning about how it works and trying to remember how it felt. I was trying to figure out if I really did like it, or I was just trying to convince myself I did. I felt really confused -- I was so drawn to jumping again, but I was also scared to actually become a skydiver and do it solo.
Anyway, I just wanted you to know I had a really intense response to my first jump, too. Now it has been 8 days and I am still occupied with thoughts of it quite a lot. I am almost done reading "The Skydivers Handbook". That has really opened my eyes to so much, I highly recommend it! I wish I had read it before I went. I will be going back for my 2nd jump as soon as I can, hopefully in another week. I'm so anxious to do that, to see how I feel after the 2nd one. I hope I will be more relaxed up there and be more aware.
Anyway, congrats on your 1st jump! Dont' worry about the emotional roller coaster, you're not the only one! And I'm sure we'll all get more comfortable up there as we do it more.

Jeth
p.s. I, too, did it myself cause my husband didn't want to. I hope that on my 2nd one I can find someone to go with, though. (More fun and someone to share the experience with.)

"At 13,000 feet nothing else matters."
PFRX!!!!!
Team Funnel #174, Sunshine kisspass #109
My Jump Site

[freemis 0]

Thank you, Jeth, for your reply. It's been almost 3 days now, and same here - I keep thinking about nothing else but that, every chance I'm alone. And I, too, want to do it again, and I, too, want to do it tandem at least a couple of more times to make sure I can be more comfortable during those first 10-20 seconds.

The one thing I feel is the difference in my brain right now. I am usually a huge procrastinator while at the same time constantly making lists of things to do. The odd thing - I've been so "present" these last few days. I started making a list of things to do last night, and it didn't feel right. I feel extremely calm and alert and kinf of - whole. But I also feel how different I am with other people because I go back to interacting the way it is acceptable or I'm used to. It feels like a huge divide - the interactions and what I am when alone.

It's funny... I also keep wandering if I just have this need to "go back to the scene of the crime." I wonder if we felt as we did in part because we went alone. I can't help but think that in amusement parks, no matter how scary the ride, you get off it and then there are other distractions and you're talking to friends or family. But here, it's so much more serious and then you're driving home alone; you experienced this very intense, if not a little traumatic, thing and you're the only one who had and you don't really get a chance to talk it about. (Thank God for this forum!)

What's amazing is that in my video I'm smiling and laughing non-stop. So, did I really feel that traumatized for a couple of seconds in the beginning? My face wasn't showing it. I look calm, happy, elated, confident. Then yesterday I got my stills back and the same - except two, the only proof of those 10-20 seconds of terror. You can hardly make out my expressions because it could be interpreted as a smile, but it was different.

And yet, it calling back - no question about it.

[Jeth 0]

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What's amazing is that in my video I'm smiling and laughing non-stop. So, did I really feel that traumatized for a couple of seconds in the beginning? My face wasn't showing it. I look calm, happy, elated, confident. Then yesterday I got my stills back and the same - except two, the only proof of those 10-20 seconds of terror. You can hardly make out my expressions because it could be interpreted as a smile, but it was different.

And yet, it calling back - no question about it.

Wow. I had the EXACT same thought. In all my pics and on the video I have this huge smile on my face. All that apprehension and fear (at the beginning) doesn't show at all. Everyone who looked at the pics thought I was lovin' every minute of it. That's another reason I thought I was "faking it". Why would I be smiling on exit when inside I am freaking about what I'm about to do? Was it because the camera was there? I don't think so. But maybe I wasn't as scared as I thought. I do look pretty calm all throughout my video.
I guess it's good, though. If I did look freaked they'd probably think it was fear of falling or fear of dying (which it wasn't). But it was definitely something. Thats why I really want to do it again. I need to experience it for real, without the sensory overload.

It is definitely calling us back -- answer the call! I am going on vacation for 10 days this weekend, but when I get back I'm going back to the DZ! When will you jump again?

Jeth

"At 13,000 feet nothing else matters."
PFRX!!!!!
Team Funnel #174, Sunshine kisspass #109
My Jump Site

[billymotox 0]

Welcome! I doubt you are any more screwed up than the rest of us crazies. Good luck with your progreesion in the sport.

billy d------------------------- "Escape may be checked by water and land, but the air and the sky are free." (from the story of Daedalus and Icarus)

[freemis 0]

Thanks, Billy, I like your quote.

[freemis 0]

You know, Jeth, I don't know... but it's purely out of financial reasons. I used to be a software engineer, too - and now, I'm a part time teacher/unpublished writer. This may actually spur to me to start looking for a full time job or get me more serious about publishing!

Let me know how it goes! It's really exciting to have another person be exactly on the same path, right now.

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[freemis 0]

Oh, and I just ordered The Skydiver's Handbook!

[Jeth 0]

Cool! It's a great book, lots of info. I'll let you know how my 2nd jump goes. I am so hooked I was actually looking for a DZ in the area where I'll be on vacation. But I decided I want to go back to the same one and go with the same TM.
I guess I can wait. My vacation is going to 3 theme parks and riding tons of roller coasters, so hopefully that'll satisy me till I can jump again.

"At 13,000 feet nothing else matters."
PFRX!!!!!
Team Funnel #174, Sunshine kisspass #109
My Jump Site

[freemis 0]

Sounds awesome! Enjoy. I have a feeling no matter how steep the roller coasters may be, it'll be nothing in comparison...

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[Jeth 0]

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Sounds awesome! Enjoy. I have a feeling no matter how steep the roller coasters may be, it'll be nothing in comparison...

Ya, I am thinking the same thing. Although I will be riding the tallest, fastest roller coaster in the world, so it oughta be a pretty good thrill. (It's 420 ft at 120mph, straight down. )

I'll let ya know...

"At 13,000 feet nothing else matters."
PFRX!!!!!
Team Funnel #174, Sunshine kisspass #109
My Jump Site

[freemis 0]

Yesterday was my second jump... after a year. And WOW! What a difference in experience!

Although I was just as nervous, if not more, jumping this time, I was so much more aware of everything around me. The stomach drop only lasted for a few seconds and was completely manageable. I kept my eyes opened, I remembered to breath.

I actually started to believe I can do this solo!

Jeth, I can't believe you already got 61 jumps in. Amazing.

[Mike111 0]

Hey Freemis,

Fear is a good thing IMHO. if you weren't slightly nervous before, then there would be something wrong with you!!!

i was shitting myself on the first jump and still am!!!!

Nothing to be ashamed of whatsoever, and you aren't screwed up.

keep jumping and have a great time!!

Mike

[Donoff 0]

And yet some more congrats! Hey but be prepared for coming back to the whuffo life each sunday evening - and sometimes face irony and misunderstanding... the thing you would probably need to work out (just like myself at the moment) would be how to try not try all the time to drag all of your friends to the dropzone, load them into an aircraft and kick'em out! Or how to try NOT to talk skydiving to those who don't do it... or how not to miss friends' birthdays when the weather is awesome during the week-end....or how to celebrate your own birthday on the ground when you can do it up there!

Good luck and take care,
BSBD

[chuteless 1]

Its great that you had such a great jumpin time. Stay safe and well, and there is lots of sky to enjoy for a long time.

Best of everything God has to offer you

Bill Cole D-41

[crazyvas 0]

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sometimes face irony and misunderstanding... the thing you would probably need to work out (just like myself at the moment) how to try NOT to talk skydiving to those who don't do it... or how not to miss friends' birthdays when the weather is awesome

Great, thanks for sharing that. Makes me feel better knowing I'm not the only one who feels this way!

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