BillyVance's "You Can't Make This Up" News Stories Thread

[ryoder 1,590]

Cops who claimed mice ate missing marijuana fired
https://nypost.com/2018/04/11/cops-who-claimed-mice-ate-missing-marijuana-fired/

But when police inspected the evidence warehouse sometime later, they found that 540 kilograms (1,190 pounds) were missing.


"Four pounds of marijuana can't disappear in a puff of smoke-not that fast."
-- Detective Yemana

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[Bob_Church 7]

Gun Control is not leaving your pistol in a public bathroom.

https://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2018/04/12/601871820/stoneman-douglas-teacher-is-arrested-after-leaving-gun-in-bathroom-stall

edit: When I first read that I thought they were saying he left it in one of the school's bathrooms and when they mentioned the homeless drunk guy I thought "damn, what kind of security do they have?"

[ryoder 1,590]

https://www.theindychannel.com/news/local-news/indianapolis/pet-raccoon-stoned-off-of-too-much-weed-brought-to-indianapolis-firehouse-confusion-ensues

So what is the proper weed dosage for a raccoon?

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[ryoder 1,590]

The penis transplant is now a thing: https://www.nytimes.com/2018/04/23/health/soldier-penis-transplant-ied.html

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[ryoder 1,590]

Man Battered Boyfriend With Singing Fish
Big Mouth Billy Bass was used as a weapon, investigators say

http://thesmokinggun.com/documents/stupid/billy-bass-battery-184509

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[Bob_Church 7]

ryoder

The penis transplant is now a thing: https://www.nytimes.com/2018/04/23/health/soldier-penis-transplant-ied.html

They'll need donors. Don't even look at me!

[BartsDaddy 7]

Bob_Church

***The penis transplant is now a thing: https://www.nytimes.com/2018/04/23/health/soldier-penis-transplant-ied.html

They'll need donors. Don't even look at me!

They normally go for a viable donor, so you don't have to worry.

Handguns are only used to fight your way to a good rifle

[Bob_Church 7]

BartsDaddy

******The penis transplant is now a thing: https://www.nytimes.com/2018/04/23/health/soldier-penis-transplant-ied.html

They'll need donors. Don't even look at me!

They normally go for a viable donor, so you don't have to worry.dd


They tried to sue me for it but it didn't stand up in court.

[ryoder 1,590]

Nope!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=10SjlFFg77E

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[BillyVance 34]

ryoder

Nope!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=10SjlFFg77E

https://gph.is/1wyt1Sh

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[BillyVance 34]

The shit you can find on craigslist....

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[Bob_Church 7]

Same old same old. Man steals 1.2 million dollars worth of fajitas over nine year period. Man gets sick. Man goes to prison for 50 years. It's a story as old as time itself.

"Chili Peppers Burn My Gut!"

http://fortune.com/2018/04/24/fajita-theft-sentence-50-years/

[BillyVance 34]

Damn... sounds like a good time. Only problem is location and proximity of neighboring houses... But hey, it's legal.



http://www.foxnews.com/us/2018/04/24/wild-sex-parties-in-upscale-colorado-community-disturbing-residents.amp.html?__twitter_impression=true

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[ryoder 1,590]

BillyVance

Damn... sounds like a good time. Only problem is location and proximity of neighboring houses... But hey, it's legal.



http://www.foxnews.com/us/2018/04/24/wild-sex-parties-in-upscale-colorado-community-disturbing-residents.amp.html?__twitter_impression=true

Well, hell!
That is just an hour away!
Where is my invitation???

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[ryoder 1,590]

This hot-air balloon take-off could have gone better.
Jump to 2:20 for the actual lift-off: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UsXzPgaO1sE

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[BillyVance 34]

ryoder

This hot-air balloon take-off could have gone better.
Jump to 2:20 for the actual lift-off: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UsXzPgaO1sE

And that's why you don't launch hot air balloons in a fucking city with multiple story buildings all around. Morons...

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[Bob_Church 7]

What's the worst that can happen? A ski lift's control panel was left wide open on the internet.
Aren't we ever going to reach the point where our first question is "why did they put it online in the first place?"


https://www.bleepingcomputer.com/news/security/ski-lift-in-austria-left-control-panel-open-on-the-internet/

[BillyVance 34]

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2018/04/27/pot-laced-chips-sicken-3-florida-middle-school-students-15-year-old-girl-arrested.html?cmpid=prn_msn

Weetos chips?

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[BillyVance 34]

https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/man-killed-in-philadelphia-after-watermelons-spilled-by-overturned-truck-hit-suv-he-was-traveling-in/ar-AAwxZWb?li=BBnbcA1

Killed by watermelons while driving.

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[BillyVance 34]

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2018/05/02/homeless-man-breaks-into-california-governors-residence-says-hes-open-door-policy-kind-guy.amp.html?__twitter_impression=true

Homeless guy broke into Jerry "Moonbeams" Brown's governor's mansion because he thought Jerry was an open-door policy kind of guy.

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[Bob_Church 7]

BillyVance

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2018/05/02/homeless-man-breaks-into-california-governors-residence-says-hes-open-door-policy-kind-guy.amp.html?__twitter_impression=true

Homeless guy broke into Jerry "Moonbeams" Brown's governor's mansion because he thought Jerry was an open-door policy kind of guy.

I wonder if he asked for Linda Ronstadt's autograph. You know, as long as he was there.

[ryoder 1,590]

DNA testing of pets is now a thing: https://gizmodo.com/i-dna-tested-my-cat-and-she-was-not-happy-about-it-1825654164

But I suppose it's one way to find out if your cat is a serial killer.

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[ryoder 1,590]

Crow attempts to buy a train ticket with a credit card.
And all this time I thought they only paid cash:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dh7bOXCzukA

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[ryoder 1,590]

Bad guy with a gun, versus dump truck: http://www.charlotteobserver.com/news/local/article210495839.html

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[Bob_Church 7]

ryoder

Crow attempts to buy a train ticket with a credit card.
And all this time I thought they only paid cash:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dh7bOXCzukA

That's good but I think this is the funniest thing I've ever seen. Especially when you listen to the crow laugh.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qt-pB1R64mI