BillyVance's "You Can't Make This Up" News Stories Thread

[Bob_Church 7]

DJL

******https://theconcourse.deadspin.com/woman-furiously-shits-on-floor-of-tim-hortons-throws-i-1826082960

It takes a special kind of rage to take a dump right there then grab your shit and fling it.

Hey Turtlespeed, is this your ex?

Well, now we know why she was mad: https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/gykg7j/we-finally-know-why-the-angry-tim-hortons-pooper-pooped

I'll wager she's a well known local who is always in there trying to shoot up in their bathroom and begs money from the customers.

And the first time she leaves a dirty needle on the floor behind the trash or commode and some child finds it first the manager finds out about it on the news, and the word goes out to stay away from that place. It happens about once a month in Charlston Wv.

[ryoder 1,590]

"Welcome to Frontier Airlines. Would you like to sit in the peeing section, or the non-peeing section?"

http://www.foxnews.com/travel/2018/05/21/frontier-airlines-passenger-arrested-after-peeing-on-seat-in-front-him-during-flight.html

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[ryoder 1,590]

We finally have an answer to the question: So how many sheep will fit into a Toyota?

https://www.timeslive.co.za/news/south-africa/2018-05-21-see-six-sheep-in-a-toyota-tazz/

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[BillyVance 34]

ryoder

"Welcome to Frontier Airlines. Would you like to sit in the peeing section, or the non-peeing section?"

http://www.foxnews.com/travel/2018/05/21/frontier-airlines-passenger-arrested-after-peeing-on-seat-in-front-him-during-flight.html

http://www.foxnews.com/travel/2018/05/18/pregnant-frontier-airlines-passenger-allegedly-punched-in-stomach-at-orlando-airport.html

This one legit had my blood boiling. I wanted to beat the fuck out of that guy. Not only did he punch the pregnant mom in the stomach, he knocked her two daughters down running off the plane.

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[BillyVance 34]

Publix deems 3 letter word as profane, website algorithm refuses to accept it.

So the cake ends up with "Congrats Jacob! Summa --- Laude Class of 2018"



https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/proud-mom-orders-%e2%80%98summa-cum-laude%e2%80%99-cake-online-publix-censors-it-summa-%e2%80%a6-laude/ar-AAxCHh0?li=BBnb7Kz

So if you plan on a cake for your graduating senior with the Latin phrase on it, order it IN PERSON.

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[jonstark 8]

To celebrate our Twin Otter’s return to service after getting a new paint scheme we wanted a sheet cake with a picture of the airplane on it. Publix refused to use the picture until we could prove that we OWNED the plane.

[Bob_Church 7]

ryoder

"Welcome to Frontier Airlines. Would you like to sit in the peeing section, or the non-peeing section?"

http://www.foxnews.com/travel/2018/05/21/frontier-airlines-passenger-arrested-after-peeing-on-seat-in-front-him-during-flight.html

We may not have flying cars yet but we've sure got Greyhound busses in the sky.

[BillyVance 34]

Bob_Church

***"Welcome to Frontier Airlines. Would you like to sit in the peeing section, or the non-peeing section?"

http://www.foxnews.com/travel/2018/05/21/frontier-airlines-passenger-arrested-after-peeing-on-seat-in-front-him-during-flight.html

We may not have flying cars yet but we've sure got Greyhound busses in the sky.

Some are almost as bad as cattle cars in the sky. I don't fly as much anymore. Only if I need to.

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[ryoder 1,590]

Remember when you were a kid, and the local bully would steal your lunch?

http://livingwilderness.blogspot.com/2018/05/battle-in-sky-bald-eagle-and-fox.html

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[ryoder 1,590]

TV reporter goes above and beyond the call of duty.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PN2IMpwbZWc

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[ryoder 1,590]

The Royal Wedding explained by two little English girls: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VfoWzeCAkq4

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[Bob_Church 7]

Carol? Is that you? Boy, you'd think after 30 years the bad dreams would stop but.... sorry, I digress.

I'm sure most people here can relate but on a much, well a little bit, smaller scale

They went on one date, he tried to get away but 17 months and 65000 texts later with no response and blocking her out of where ever possible she broke into his house for a bath. Then went to his place of work and said she was his wife.

https://www.cnn.com/2018/05/11/us/woman-text-message-arrest-trnd/

[ryoder 1,590]

Bob_Church

Carol? Is that you? Boy, you'd think after 30 years the bad dreams would stop but.... sorry, I digress.

I'm sure most people here can relate but on a much, well a little bit, smaller scale

They went on one date, he tried to get away but 17 months and 65000 texts later with no response and blocking her out of where ever possible she broke into his house for a bath. Then went to his place of work and said she was his wife.

https://www.cnn.com/2018/05/11/us/woman-text-message-arrest-trnd/

Only thing missing is all the phone calls: "Play Misty for me"

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[ryoder 1,590]

Passengers stranded after busy train ‘takes a wrong turn’ and gets lost in UK
http://www.news.com.au/travel/travel-updates/passengers-stranded-after-busy-train-takes-a-wrong-turn-and-gets-lost-in-uk/news-story/8b257ddcaf7a3fa8f44628ef2cdccbfa

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[Bob_Church 7]

Juggalo's Gone Berserk?

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/cops-little-caesars-worker-shoots-kills-man-in-clown-mask-who-attacked-him/

[wolfriverjoe 1,523]

Nah. Just a dude in a clown mask.

You want Juggalos gone berserk?

Try this one. Cut her arm, drank a shot of her blood. Used a machete (took two tries) to sever her pinky finger. Put it in the freezer for 'later'.

Somewhat local to me.

"There are NO situations which do not call for a French Maid outfit." Lucky McSwervy

"~ya don't GET old by being weak & stupid!" - Airtwardo

[ryoder 1,590]

Our local famous Juggalo murdered his 13yo GF, then had sex with the corpse.
He is currently serving 48 years.
This all happened 2 miles from my home.

http://www.dailycamera.com/ci_14963549

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[Bob_Church 7]

ryoder

Our local famous Juggalo murdered his 13yo GF, then had sex with the corpse.
He is currently serving 48 years.
This all happened 2 miles from my home.

http://www.dailycamera.com/ci_14963549

But that's not even in Florida?

[BartsDaddy 7]

Glad I don't know any juggalos.

Handguns are only used to fight your way to a good rifle

[ryoder 1,590]

Man has 6-inch shower head removed from his rectum
https://nypost.com/2018/05/29/man-has-six-inch-shower-head-removed-from-his-rectum/

“History is often ambiguous and incomplete due to a high level of embarrassment and social stigma attached to the condition. The same was seen in our case. Though the patient reported accidental insertion of the shower head and denied voluntary insertion, there is a high suspicion of voluntary insertion for auto-erotic purpose.”

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[DJL 235]

ryoder

Man has 6-inch shower head removed from his rectum
https://nypost.com/2018/05/29/man-has-six-inch-shower-head-removed-from-his-rectum/

“History is often ambiguous and incomplete due to a high level of embarrassment and social stigma attached to the condition. The same was seen in our case. Though the patient reported accidental insertion of the shower head and denied voluntary insertion, there is a high suspicion of voluntary insertion for auto-erotic purpose.”

I'm not into shit like that but if I were and something got stuck up my ass I would use the opportunity to go into the ER and complain that I was having trouble pooping and didn't know why. Also, I'll leave the entire cord attached trailing behind me. Hey, may as well just go with it.

"I encourage all awesome dangerous behavior." - Jeffro Fincher

[billvon 2,990]

"It was a one in a million shot, doc!"

[Bob_Church 7]

DJL

***Man has 6-inch shower head removed from his rectum
https://nypost.com/2018/05/29/man-has-six-inch-shower-head-removed-from-his-rectum/

“History is often ambiguous and incomplete due to a high level of embarrassment and social stigma attached to the condition. The same was seen in our case. Though the patient reported accidental insertion of the shower head and denied voluntary insertion, there is a high suspicion of voluntary insertion for auto-erotic purpose.”

I'm not into shit like that but if I were and something got stuck up my ass I would use the opportunity to go into the ER and complain that I was having trouble pooping and didn't know why. Also, I'll leave the entire cord attached trailing behind me. Hey, may as well just go with it.

The old stick pilots used to say that if you had structural failure and knew you were going to die just drop your pants, sit on the stick and let them figure it out.

[wolfriverjoe 1,523]

Along the same lines:

If you've pulled all the handles, done all you can, and there's nothing else left to do, yank one shoe off, unzip your jumpsuit and shove the shoe down inside.

It won't change the outcome, but the M. E. will go nuts trying to figure out how it happened.

"There are NO situations which do not call for a French Maid outfit." Lucky McSwervy

"~ya don't GET old by being weak & stupid!" - Airtwardo

[ryoder 1,590]

Yesterday, journalist (and Putin critic), Arkady Babchenko was gunned down in Ukraine.
But today (as John Astin would say on "Night Court"), he is feeling much better now!

https://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-44307611

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.