Squeak 17 #51 April 20, 2012 Quote >The big moron falls off, but the little moron keeps his footing. Why ? He was a little mor on the log Ba dum dum Mr Bigger and Mrs Bigger have a baby. Of the three, who is bigger? the baby is a little biggerYou are not now, nor will you ever be, good enough to not die in this sport (Sparky) My Life ROCKS! How's yours doing? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
blkhwk91b 0 #52 April 20, 2012 So, a seal walks into a club.............."Better to have a short life that is full of what you like doing, than a long life spent in a miserable way." - Alan Watts Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
format 1 #53 April 20, 2012 A mom is walking her 'slow' child. And she's annoyed with his questions: - momma, momma, is that a cow? (mom, not even looking): Yees, son, thaat's a cow. - where momma?What goes around, comes later. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lawrocket 3 #54 April 20, 2012 I spent a night with a feminist once. What an asshole. Nice boobs, too. What's 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole? My necktie. A nurse walked in and said, "Doctor. What are you doing?" The doc says, "Noting in the chart." Nurse said, "With a thermometer?" The doctor shakes his head, "Some asshole has my pen." Why does a dog lick his butt? Because it knows in a minute it'll be licking your face. What did the boy fly say to the girl fly? Is this stool taken? What happened to the fly on the toilet seat? It got pissed off. My wife is hotter than your wife. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
npgraphicdesign 3 #55 April 21, 2012 What's a one-eyed person's least favorite place to eat? Popeyes. Where does a one-legged waiter work? IHOP. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
nigel99 504 #56 April 22, 2012 Quote What does Satan do with all those hand baskets? How many skydivers does it take to change a light bulb? 3 One to do the work One to hold the beer One to call 911. You forgot at least 1 to videoExperienced jumper - someone who has made mistakes more often than I have and lived. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,373 #57 April 22, 2012 Hi np, Quote Where does a one-legged waiteress work? IHOP. What's her name: Eileen JerryBaumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
npgraphicdesign 3 #58 April 22, 2012 Quote Hi np, Quote Where does a one-legged waiteress work? IHOP. What's her name: Eileen JerryBaumchen Q. How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree? A. Wave to him. Q. How do you get that one-armed man back up the tree? A. Threaten to cut off his other arm. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
feuergnom 28 #59 April 23, 2012 What is the difference between a cop and a prostitute? none. both are walking the streets and both their parents are ashamed of them... An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'She even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.' The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'The universal aptitude for ineptitude makes any human accomplishment an incredible miracle dudeist skydiver # 666 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
format 1 #60 April 23, 2012 Almost everybody's giving up on trying to pass a good joke on Americans. Not you :)What goes around, comes later. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
feuergnom 28 #61 April 24, 2012 Quote Almost everybody's giving up on trying to pass a good joke on Americans. Not you :) hope dies last? The universal aptitude for ineptitude makes any human accomplishment an incredible miracle dudeist skydiver # 666 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Nealeod 0 #62 April 24, 2012 It is the 1800's and a man picks his new mail ordered bride up from the international pier. This man is clearly wealthy as he owns one of the nicest horse and carriages around. He escorts his newly arrived wife onto to the carriage and off they return to his quarters. The man is obviously impatient and whips the horse more than normal. Immediately, the horse veers slightly to the right and leads the carriage into a small pothole knocking the wife to the floorboards of the carriage. The man stops the carriage and gets down to within inches of the horses face and whispers something into the horse ear. Afterwards, in a normal voice the man says to the horse, "That’s 1". The wife asked the man what he had said to the horse and he pretended that it wasn't worth repeating. A few minutes later, the horse let out a little fart, enough to disturb the wife. The man gets off the horse, whispers something into the horses ear again and in a normal voice says "that’s 2". He gets back on the carriage and now she is very concerned and is almost desperate in wonder what the man could have said to this horse. Finally, the horse kicks up a little mud onto the wife and the man stops the carriage, gets next to the horse and shoots him in the head killing the horse instantly. The wife is completely freaked out and says "why did you shoot the horse, how are we supposed to get home now?????". The man looks at her and says "That’s 1". Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
MikeJD 0 #63 April 24, 2012 QuoteQ: Why don't blind people skydive? A: It scares the shit out of their dogs! Q: How do blind skydivers know when to flare? A: The leash goes slack. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
chuck_skywalker 0 #64 April 24, 2012 One from an old buddy of mine that used to work as a phone customer service rep for a large company. Sitting in a cubicle all day can get pretty boring, so he came up with this one to deal with people who were a little pissed. After customer would start cussing him out for a bit he would say: "What has a 2 inch dick and hangs down?" "uh, I dont know." "a fruit bat. Now, what has a 10 inch dick and hangs up?" "huh?!? "Me!!" Followed by a dial tone. I thought it was pretty funny. And it cost him his job one day after saying it to the president of the largest account in the company. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Fearjoburg 0 #65 April 25, 2012 Girl sms's her boyfriend: " My love... If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are smiling send me your smile. If you are crying send me your tears. I love you."....... The guy replies: "I am taking a dump. What should I send ?" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
feuergnom 28 #66 April 25, 2012 I don't know if this one works in the english translation, but i'll give it a try: a blind and a deaf guy are sitting in the bar, having a beer. deaf guy says: I'm so sick of all the disabled jokes being told. blind guy: I see it the same way edit to add this one: The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.... although, they do make me look a bit gay.The universal aptitude for ineptitude makes any human accomplishment an incredible miracle dudeist skydiver # 666 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
wmw999 2,460 #67 April 10, 2013 A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read: HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, NOT RUN AROUND ON ME AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED ! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you ? Just look at you...you have no legs." The old man smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you !" She snorted. "You don't have any arms either !" Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you !" She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed ???" The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I ? Wendy P.There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
PlanetLander 0 #68 April 10, 2013 Good one!Too many sharks in the gene pool Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
rifleman 70 #70 April 10, 2013 A COWBOY TOMBSTONE Here is the headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah… I wonder if he died knowing that he had won the ‘Coolest Headstone’ contest? … Here are his five rules for a happy life as he indicated on his headstone:FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE: 1. It’s important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job. 2. It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh. 3. It’s important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn’t lie to you .4. It’s important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you 5. It’s very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.Atheism is a Non-Prophet Organisation Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
popsjumper 2 #71 April 10, 2013 The problem is...this is no joke..but it's funny as hell http://msnvideo.msn.com/?channelindex=2&from=en-us_msnhpvidmod#/video/137798ac-b2f6-42b0-a9d2-23fc7eaf1a87 My reality and yours are quite different. I think we're all Bozos on this bus. Falcon5232, SCS8170, SCSA353, POPS9398, DS239 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ryoder 1,590 #72 April 10, 2013 Quote The problem is...this is no joke..but it's funny as hell http://msnvideo.msn.com/?channelindex=2&from=en-us_msnhpvidmod#/video/137798ac-b2f6-42b0-a9d2-23fc7eaf1a87 Sheesh! I nearly got motion sickness before it reached the funny part."There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
MikeJD 0 #73 April 10, 2013 Quote … I wonder if he died knowing that he had won the ‘Coolest Headstone’ contest? From reading all that, I'd have to assume he's also a contender for 'Biggest Headstone' or 'Headstone with the Smallest Writing'! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
popsjumper 2 #74 April 10, 2013 Quote Quote The problem is...this is no joke..but it's funny as hell http://msnvideo.msn.com/?channelindex=2&from=en-us_msnhpvidmod#/video/137798ac-b2f6-42b0-a9d2-23fc7eaf1a87 Sheesh! I nearly got motion sickness before it reached the funny part. Better than handcam! Oh, ...wait....My reality and yours are quite different. I think we're all Bozos on this bus. Falcon5232, SCS8170, SCSA353, POPS9398, DS239 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jono 0 #75 April 10, 2013 Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking. Lady 1: What's that? Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Lady 1: Where did you get it? Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day ... Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers. Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
