JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[oldwomanc6 60]

lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

[JerryBaumchen 1,426]

Hi folks,

PSYCHOLOGY Vs. LAW:

A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied in a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"

The guy then responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? . . . THAT'S TOO MUCH!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The guy whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people."



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,426]

Hi folks

At Friday night services, Morris goes to his friend Irving and says, “I need a favor. I’m sleeping with the Rabbi’s wife. Can you hold him in synagogue for an hour after services for me?”

Irving is not very fond of the idea, but being Morris’ lifelong friend, he reluctantly agrees.

After services, he strikes up a conversation with the Rabbi, asking him all sorts of stupid questions – just to keep him occupied.

After some time the wise Rabbi becomes suspicious and asks, “Irving what are you really up to?”

Irving, filled with deep feelings of guilt and remorse confesses to the Rabbi, “I’m sorry, Rabbi. My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied.”

The Rabbi smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Irving’s shoulder and says, “You’d probably better hurry home, Irving. My wife died two years ago!!!”



Jerry Baumchen

[irishrigger 32]

Classic.

[Icemann 0]

A man fell out of an airplane.
Oh that's bad!
No, that's good; he had a parachute.
Oh that's good!
No that's bad; his parachute wouldn't open.
Oh, that's bad!
No, that's good; he was heading for a hay stack.
Oh, that's good!
No, that's bad; the haystack had a pitchfork in it.
Oh, that's bad!
No, that's good; he missed the picthfork.
Oh, that's good!
No, that's bad; he missed the haystack.

[muff528 3]

Archie!? ...Izzat you!???

[BillyVance 34]

Yep, bunch of these motherfuckers around...

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[JerryBaumchen 1,426]

Hi folks,

Engineer Pete is walking along the Pacific shore in California when all of a sudden there is this loud thunder clap followed by a booming voice.

"Mr. Pete, this is God talking. You have been an upstanding Christian your entire life and devoted many hours of volunteer service to all sorts of mankind. I've decided to grant you one wish as a reward for your good life."

Pete thinks for a few minutes then says, "God, help me build a bridge to Hawaii so we can travel more easily back and forth."

"Pete, I could do that but the project would use tremendous amounts of concrete, steel, and other materials that would be better spent to build homes for needy people all over the country. Please, think of a different wish."

"Well OK, God. I tell you what. Help me to understand women. That would make my wife much happier than she is now, and would make me a better volunteer leader for all those humanitarian projects I'm involved in and are supported by so many women. Yes, that is what I want!"

"Do you want that bridge to be 2 lanes or 4?"



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,426]

Hi folks,

The American Medical Association has weighed in on the federal health care package:

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.

The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pi$$ed off at the whole idea.

Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to those 'folks' in Washington.



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,426]

Hi folks,

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs & toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment."

My eyes lit up as I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day."

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterward, she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but still a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg-timer is broken."



Jerry Baumchen

[wmw999 2,521]

  Quote

The egg-timer is broken

Wendy P.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[Icemann 0]

I saved this on my tablet haven't had a good laugh for a long time.

[JerryBaumchen 1,426]

Hi folks,

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client.

"Saul, I have some good news, and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day. Give me the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she just invested $5,000 in two prints that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day.
Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,426]

Hi folks,

I hate all this terrorist business.

I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself... 'I'm going to take that.'

*****************************

I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, an ear of corn and a jumbo sausage.

A poor homeless man sat there and told me, 'I've not eaten for two days.'

I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,426]

Hi folks,

A Jewish bookie was at the races playing the ponies and losing his shirt.

He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot - won the race.

Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track.

Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.

The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race. He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.

He bet big on it, and it won.

As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning.

The bookie was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's next blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1.

This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.

The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he had on the old nag. He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and couldn't even finish the race.

In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was standing.

Confronting him, he exclaimed, "Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance. Now, thanks to you I've lost all my money!"

The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "You aren't Catholic are you my son?"

"No, I'm Jewish."

"That's the problem", said the Priest, "you couldn't tell the difference between a blessing and last rites."



Jerry Baumchen

[irishrigger 32]

An ATC Controller contacts a B777 that is flying over the States and asked the Pilot to turn 20 Deg to the right to a new course of 290 due to noise pollution
the Captain of the Plane was a bit baffled by this and replies, Sir we are 38000 feet and that is taking us a bit of course and we are behind schedule already and i do not believe that there will be a problem with noise pollution up here!
the ATC controller replies, Captain have you ever heard the noise when 2 B777 collides in Mid air at 38000 feet?

[irishrigger 32]

A Pilot has just landed at an airport with his B777 when he sees a small tiny self build plane waiting at the edge of the runway for take off and passes a comment over the Air to ATC what a cute little plane it is but should it really be at a Big Airport like this?.
The Pilot of that Small cute Plane is a Female and immediately replies, another landing like that i will have enough Spare Parts to built another Small cute plane!!

[JerryBaumchen 1,426]

Hi folks,

These are definitely not politically corrrect.

1. I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.

2. The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name's Kathy.

3. Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

4. My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

5. The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

6. A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

7. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

8. My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,426]

Hi folks,

Sex is like a weather forecast for snow: You never know how many inches you're going to get & you don't know how long it will last.



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,426]

Hi folks,

Just for you irish rigger:

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

The poor man had no idea what to say!



Jerry Baumchen

[irishrigger 32]

HAHAHA Brilliant Jerry,

[irishrigger 32]

One For you Jerry.

Friends are like Knickers,
some snap under pressure
some get a little twisted
some you can see right through them
some are cheap
some are your favourites
but the best ones cover your arse when you need them!!

[evilivan 0]

A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the

... counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for £44."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor."Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says. As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.

At first she is really embarrassed but then realises there is no way the salesman will know it was her who vented to the atmosphere.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That will be £58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for £44. How did you get to £58.50?"

He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are £44, but the Duck Caller is £11 and the Fish Bait is £3.50."

"If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation."
David Brent

[SethInMI 174]

are you molesting that pony?
no, i'm just feeling a little horse.

It's flare not flair, brakes not breaks, bridle not bridal, "could NOT care less" not "could care less".

[JerryBaumchen 1,426]

Hi folks,

An oldie but some of you may not have heard it:

THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY

After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Kentucky) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The Kentuckian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

"1"
"2"
"3"
“4"
"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Parts of Georgia, Missouri, West Virginia, and all of Washington DC.



Jerry Baumchen