JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[Niki1 1]

wolfriverjoe

***Hi Keith,

Quote

"Who's on first."

Still the greatest stand-up comedy bit of all time.
May it never be surpassed,
Jerry Baumchen

And it actually happened a year or so four years ago.


But what was the guys name on second?

Most of the things worth doing in the world had been declared impossilbe before they were done.
Louis D Brandeis

Where are we going and why are we in this basket?

[JerryBaumchen 1,357]

Hi folks,

Husband dies, reaches the Pearly Gates. Finds two signs. First sign reads “For men who dominated their wives.” Second sign reads “For men who were dominated BY their wives.”

Second sign has a very long line of husbands.

The new arrival gets in the line for husbands who dominated their wives. Looks around, he is the sole husband in that line.

St Peter’s assistant inquires, “Why are you in the line for husbands who dominated their wives?”

His response: “Because my wife told me to.”



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,357]

Hi folks,

Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.

A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen.

His wife asks, “What’s wrong, Bill?”

“Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”

His wife gasps, “My God, Bill, what happened?”

“I got fired.”

“No, Bill — I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”

“Oh, um, she got fired, too.”



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,357]

Hi folks,

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.

After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly had left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turnaround in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grumpy old man.

He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.

The more he chided her, the more agitated he became.

He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.

As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, “While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.”



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,357]

Hi folks,

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-yr old son in the apartment was to send him outside with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all of the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put the plan into operation:

'There's a car being towed in the parking lot,' he shouted.

'An ambulance just drove by.'

'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he shouted.

'Matts riding a new bike.'

'Looks like the Sanders are moving.'

'Jason is on his skateboard.'

After a few moments, he shouted, 'The Coopers are having sex.'

Startled, his mother & dad sat up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they're having sex?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.'



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,357]

Hi folks,

8 Words With 2 Meanings....Depending what sex you are..

1. THINGY (thing-ee)
Female... Any part under a car's hood.
Male....... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel)
Female... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male....... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni- kay-shon)
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male...... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment)
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male....... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter- tayn-ment)
Female... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male....... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens)
Female... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male..... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv)
Female... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male...... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl)
Female... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male...... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.



Jerry Baumchen

[BillyVance 34]

A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor.
The doctor said, "when you feel like you're getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day, the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and went home.
That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position.
The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went.
The man answered, "not good. When I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit three inches off my dick and
the neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[irishrigger 32]

An old snake goes to see his doctor.

He says, “Doctor, I need something for my eyes. I can’t see well these days”. The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks, and tells the doctor he’s very depressed.

The doctor says, “What’s the problem? Didn’t the glasses help you?”

“The glasses are fine doc. I just discovered I’ve been living with a water hose the past 2 years!”

[irishrigger 32]

Just as mom walks though the door, little Johnny comes running over. He says, “Mommy, Mommy! I was playing in daddy’s closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took off each others’ clothes and laid down on the bed.”

The mother interrupts him, “Stop right there! Wait ’till daddy comes home!”

When the father finally returns from work, mother promptly goes up to him and says, “I’m leaving you.”

The father, bewildered, slowly asks, “Why? What did I do?”

The mother turns to Johnny and says, “Tell daddy exactly what you told me today!”

“I was playing in daddy’s closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took each other’s clothes off and laid down on the bed…just like what you and Uncle Joe did last summer!”

[BillyVance 34]

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[BillyVance 34]

Happy Easter!

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[gowlerk 2,190]

BillyVance

Happy Easter!

Nice one Billy.

[ryoder 1,590]

There has been an accident.

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[JerryBaumchen 1,357]

Hi folks,

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. The man did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday school' bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car."



Jerry Baumchen

[Soule76 0]

Little Billy was looking sad so his dad asked him what was wrong.
Little Billy said, "Daddy, why do people hang horses?"
"Nobody hangs horses Billy" his father said. "Who told you that people hang horses?"
"I heard mommy on the phone with her friend and she said her new boss is hung like a horse"

...

A friend of mine is a little person. He came to me distraught the other day. He had just joined a nudist colony but they kicked him out after only 2 days.

Apparently he just kept getting in people's hair.

...

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

A man can unscrew the lightbulb.

...

What do you get when you mix LSD and Birth Control?

A nice trip without the kids.

[JerryBaumchen 1,357]

Hi folks,

Sign in a shoe repair store: We will heel you. We will save your sole. We will even dye for you.

Sign on a blinds & curtains truck: Blind man driving.

On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels.

At an Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.

On a Plumber's truck: We repair what your husband fixed.

On another Plumber's truck: Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.

On an Electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts.

In a Non-smoking Area: If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.

On a Maternity Room door: Push! Push! Push!

At a Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.

Outside a Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

At the Electric Company: We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.

In a Restaurant window: Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: Drive carefully. We'll wait.

At a Propane Filling Station: Thank Heaven for little grills.

In a Chicago Radiator Shop: Best place in town to take a leak.

And the best one for last, sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises.



Jerry Baumchen

[Bob_Church 7]

My wife saw this sign on the wall in a Catholic nursery in Wisconsin.
"We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed"

[OWB 8]

Actual sign I saw in front of a general contractors office:

SWIMMING POOLS FILLED.
SEPTIC TANKS PUMPED.
NOT THE SAME TRUCK.

Don't worry about nuthin' cause nothin's gonna be okay.

[Bob_Church 7]

Oh, and someone painted 'Private Dumpster' on, well, a dumpster and someone else followed up with 'Reporting for Duty.' I know, it's an old one, I first saw it a long time ago, but it's still a good one.

[wolfriverjoe 1,523]

JerryBaumchen

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: Drive carefully. We'll wait.

That sign is actually on the back of the Batesville Casket company trucks.

https://www.google.com/search?biw=1600&bih=769&tbm=isch&sa=1&ei=XnPSWsr5LZC25gKx_pSIDw&q=batesville+casket+semi+truck&oq=batesville+casket+semi+truck&gs_l=psy-ab.3...2678.7167.0.7539.11.11.0.0.0.0.126.1199.2j9.11.0....0...1c.1.64.psy-ab..0.3.351...0j0i13k1j0i8i13i30k1j0i8i30k1j0i24k1.0.8PdGwaCykWg#imgrc=_

"There are NO situations which do not call for a French Maid outfit." Lucky McSwervy

"~ya don't GET old by being weak & stupid!" - Airtwardo

[DanG 1]

There used to be a condom store in DC. The sign on the front door said:

No Shoes
No Shirt
You got here just in time!

- Dan G

[JerryBaumchen 1,357]

Hi folks,

From my motorcycle forum:

An inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about this for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and ommented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."

God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of the woman?"

God said, "Yes."

"Well," said Arthur, " Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention too:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft, and wobble too much;

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;

5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "Hold on."

God went to His Celestial super-computer, typed in some key words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, " But according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."



Jerry Baumchen

[BillyVance 34]

From a meme seen on Twitter recently:

If my jokes offend you:

1. I'm sorry

2. It won't happen again

3. 1 & 2 are lies

4. You're a pussy

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[BillyVance 34]

Gilbert Gottfried FTW!

Also... Happy Pineapple Up The Ass Day.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42oucm_lj50

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[Divalent 132]

A woman got married and had 13 children.

Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children.

Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."