JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[Niki1 1]

She could have used an aspirin for birth control. She should have held it between her knees.


Bump

Most of the things worth doing in the world had been declared impossilbe before they were done.
Louis D Brandeis

Where are we going and why are we in this basket?

[JerryBaumchen 1,363]

Hi folks,

Me: I was doing an overnight at a hotel away from home. I took my computer down to the bar to do some data entries. I sat down at the bar and I asked the bartender, ‘What’s the wifi password?’

Bartender: 'You need to buy a drink first.'

Me: 'Okay, I’ll have a beer.'

Bartender: 'We have Molson’s Canadian on tap.'

Me: 'Sure. How much is that?'

Bartender: '$8.00.'

Me: 'Here you are. OK now, what’s the wifi password?'

Bartender: ' "youneedtobuyadrinkfirst" . . . no spaces and all lowercase.'



Jerry Baumchen

[BIGUN 1,314]

LMAO

I LIKE it.

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[BillyVance 34]

I didn't know where to put this so I'll just leave it here.

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[BIGUN 1,314]

Man: My Olympic colors of condoms came in today. I think I'll wear the Gold.
Woman: Why don't you wear the silver and cum fucking second for once.
-------------

M&M condoms; melts in the mouth and not in the hands.

--------------------------------

Italians have a hard time telling the difference between a condom packet and a ravioli.

------------------------------

Your dad puts a condom fail challenge on his facebook and there's a picture of you.

--------------------------------

Condom: "I feel so used and tossed aside."

-------------------------------

Donald, why didn't you use a condom with Stormy? "I'm HUGGGGE!

------------------------------

Four gay guys sitting in a hot tub. Condom floats to the top. One of the gay guys looks and around and hollers, "Ewwwww! Who farted?"

------------------------------

What did the penis say to the condom? "Cover me; I'm going in!"

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[BillyVance 34]

All right...

Which one of you fuckers did this?

Troll level - genius.

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[JerryBaumchen 1,363]

Hi folks,

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous woman on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Dave?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,363]

Hi folks,

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me. What should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?

The man said, "Yes." and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,363]

Hi folks,

John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn.

So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

‘I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?'

‘Yes, I do,' said Shawn

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes,' Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'

‘She just died and left me everything.'

Jerry Baumchen

[jcd11235 0]

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous woman on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Dave?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

"Do you think I really give a damn that you'll be giving all that up, asshole?"

Math tutoring available. Only $6! per hour! First lesson: Factorials!

[BillyVance 34]

jcd11235

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous woman on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Dave?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

"Do you think I really give a damn that you'll be giving all that up, asshole?"

Yep, that's reality.

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[zoobrothertom 5]

popsjumper

What does Satan do with all those hand baskets?

How many skydivers does it take to change a light bulb?
3
One to do the work
One to hold the beer
One to call 911.

Another version.

One to change it.
The second one to say, "I could've done that!"

____________________________________
I'm back in the USA!!

[Bob_Church 7]

zoobrothertom

***What does Satan do with all those hand baskets?

How many skydivers does it take to change a light bulb?
3
One to do the work
One to hold the beer
One to call 911.

Another version.

One to change it.
The second one to say, "I could've done that!"

And a third one to say "you're gonna get someone killed changing it that way."

[JerryBaumchen 1,363]

Hi folks,

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend, "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

"How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food, and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"

'"Two and a half carats."



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,363]

Hi folks,

Playing Golf With Your Spouse

A husband reluctantly agreed to play in the Couples' Alternate Shot Tournament at his club.

He teed off on the first hole, a par four, and blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle of the fairway. Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife, "Just hit it toward the green, anywhere around there will be fine."

The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods.

Undaunted, the husband said "That's OK, Sweetheart" and spent the full five minutes looking for the ball. He found it just in time but in a horrible position. He played the shot of his life to get the ball within two feet of the hole. He told his wife to knock the ball in.

His wife then proceeded to knock the ball off the green and into a bunker.

Still maintaining composure, the husband summoned all of his skill and holed the shot from the bunker.

He took the ball out of the hole and, while walking off the green, put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "Honey, that was a bogey five and that's OK, but I think we can do better on the next hole".

To which she replied, "Listen dufus, don't complain to me, only 2 of those 5 shots were mine.”



Jerry Baumchen

[oldwomanc6 52]

That joke was a gem!

lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

[d123 3]

What a degenerated world we live in .. ntss ntss. I can't hold this inside any longer.
The other day, I was at a supermarket and a 20 something lady, with a body worthy of Play-boy magazine tells me that she'll sleep with me if, hear this folks, I'll promote a new brand of dish washing soap to all my friends. I was perplex to see the lengths that big companies go to promote products! I've refused her right away. I got a strong moral compass and I can resist transient temptations. I am a strong man. As strong as the new Dawn Ultra Dishwashing Liquid, with a new formula for fat and spots removal, now with fresh lemon or vanilla flavor.

Lock, Dock and Two Smoking Barrelrolls!

[SethInMI 174]

one I heard vanessa bayer tell on a podcast:

It's moose hunting season. A moose hunter is walking in hilly terrain. He sees a hiker a long way off, and the hiker sees him and yells to him, "don't shoot me, I'm not a moose!"

The hiker goes over a hill. A while later he comes back into view, closer this time. Again he yells at the hunter. "don't shoot me, I'm not a moose!"

Again the hiker disappears into the woods. Some time later he rounds a bend and is right in front of the hunter. He loudly says: "don't shoot me, I'm not a moose!"

The hunter shoots him.

The fallen hiker looks up at the hunter and says, "why did you shoot me, I said I wasn't a moose."

The hunter replies, "oh, I thought you said you were a moose"

It's flare not flair, brakes not breaks, bridle not bridal, "could NOT care less" not "could care less".

[JerryBaumchen 1,363]

Hi folks,

OK, this one is sorta lame; but you weren't doing anything else.

One day an out of work mime was visiting the zoo trying to earn some money as a street performer. However, as soon as he started to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabbed him and dragged him into his office.

The zookeeper explained to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, had suddenly died. The keeper feared that attendance at the zoo would fall off. He offered the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they could get another one. The mime accepted.

The next morning, before the crowd arrived, the mime put on the gorilla suit and entered the cage. He discovered that it was a great job. He could sleep all he wanted, play and make fun of people, and he drew bigger crowds than he ever had as a mime.

However, eventually the crowds tired of him and he became bored just swinging on tires. He began to notice that the people were paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.

Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbed to the top of his cage, crawled across a partition, and dangled from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this made the lion furious, but the crowd loved it.

At the end of the day the zookeeper came and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla. Well, this went on for some time. The mime kept taunting the lion, the crowds grew larger, and his salary kept going up. Then one terrible day when he was dangling over the furious lion, he slipped and fell. The mime was terrified. The lion gathered itself and prepared to pounce. The mime was so scared that he began to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime started screaming and yelling, "Help! Help meee!!!", but the lion was quick and pounced. The mime soon found himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion. The lion slowly lowered his snarling mouth towards him and said: "Shut UP you idiot! Do you want to get us BOTH fired?"



Jerry Baumchen

[irishrigger 32]

I ran into the back of a car today

A Gorgeous , leggy Blond got out of the car mad as hell. she said "ram me up the arse why don't you??

And That your Honour, is where i believe the confusion began

[wolfriverjoe 1,523]

An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live."
"But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"
After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day."
Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?"
"No," replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."

"There are NO situations which do not call for a French Maid outfit." Lucky McSwervy

"~ya don't GET old by being weak & stupid!" - Airtwardo

[JerryBaumchen 1,363]

Hi folks,

If you or anyone you know are taking the Viagra pill, make sure it says, "Made in the USA"!

We do not want the Russians meddling in our erections !!!!!!!!



Jerry Baumchedn

[headoverheels 333]

JerryBaumchen

Hi folks,

If you or anyone you know are taking the Viagra pill, make sure it says, "Made in the USA"!

We do not want the Russians meddling in our erections !!!!!!!!



Jerry Baumchedn

Wouldn't that be the Chinese?

[JerryBaumchen 1,363]

Hi folks,

A group of women was at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands.

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love you, Sweetheart."

Next, the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.

Below are 11 hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love.

Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

1. Who the hell is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?

4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?

5. I don't understand what you mean.

6. What the hell did you do now?

7. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need.

8. Am I dreaming?

9. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

10. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

11. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,363]

Hi folks,

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?

Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest wife, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.”

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Larry’s wife."



Jerry Baumchen