JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[headoverheels 333]

A local barber was arrested for drug peddling in my town. I was shocked because I had been his customer for years and never knew he was a barber.

 

Edited March 12, 2019 by headoverheels

[fog52 58]

TODAY'S SHORT READING FROM THE BIBLE

From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."

Then he made the earth round and He laughed and laughed 

[fog52 58]

If two people with the clap have sex, is that considered a round of applause?

[JerryBaumchen 1,364]

Hi folks,

The correct spelling is SCHOOL not SCHOOL.  Some people put the second O before the first O which is incorrect.

Jerry Baumchen

[fog52 58]

Sarcasm for the Day...

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

 

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

 

3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably angry.

 

4. Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

 

5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone?  That's common sense leaving your body.

 

6. I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

 

7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

 

8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim".  I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

 

9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers.  If you find one, what's your plan?

 

10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

[fog52 58]

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."
"I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone.

[fog52 58]

A redneck couple, both bona fide rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband 'fixed'.
The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision. Why after nine children would they choose to do this?
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

[JerryBaumchen 1,364]

On 12/20/2008 at 8:45 AM, BIGUN said:

 

Hi folks,

A guy walk's up to the barkeep and say's, "Barkeep get everybody a drink on me and don't forget yourself!"

They all say, "Salute" and drink their drinks.

When the barkeep tells him the bill, the guy say's, "I seem to have forgotten my wallet!"

Whereupon the bar tender grabs him by the collar and out the door he goes!

Two day's later he comes back in and puts a fifty on the bar and say's "Get all these fine people a drink on me but leave yourself out, you get mean when you drink!"

Jerry Baumchen

[SethInMI 174]

[JerryBaumchen 1,364]

Hi folks,

So there you are, having a dinner party.....

Your parents are there.

Your in-laws are there.

Your boss and his wife are there.

The minister and his wife are there.

You're all settling down for a nice relaxing evening dinner,

Then, in walks the dog.......

Jerry Baumchen

Edited March 26, 2019 by JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,364]

Hi folks,

Jill goes to her Gynecologist complaining of pain during intercourse.

"Every time I do it doggy style, it hurts terribly!" she exclaims.

The doctor queries, "Why don't you use the missionary position?"

"I would...but I can't stand the dog's breath in my face."

Jerry Baumchen

[fog52 58]

SENIOR TRYING TO SET PASSWORD

 

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
USER: cabbage

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER: 1 boiled cabbage

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER: 50damnboiledcabbages

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
USER: 50DAMNboiledcabbages

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character
consecutively.
USER: 50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER: ReallyPissedOff50DamnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

[fog52 58]

When you're over seventy

 

I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business.  
This fat ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my ass and said, 
"You're kind of cute you gotta a phone number?" 
I said, "Yea you gotta pen?"  
She said "Yea", I got a pen".  
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you". 
Cost me 6 stitches

When you are over seventy . . .who givesa ***

[fog52 58]

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try." 
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said,  "Yesterday." 


 

[fog52 58]

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

 The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from

 the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

 

 "Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball.

 I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried

 officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance."

 

 "They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of

 polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as

 they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last

 point: "No Jews please."

 

 Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied:

 "Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest

 possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four

 of my best and most prized officers."

 

 "One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an

 additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship

 design."

 

 "The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a

 graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago , with a BS in

 Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. In

 Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University

    and he is also an astronaut candidate."

 

 "The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both

 computer systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting

 notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech."

 

 "Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our

 ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of

 Georgia and a medical degree is from the University of North

 Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in

 Trauma Surgery at Bethesda ."

 

 Upon receiving this letter, Melinda's mother was quite excited and

 looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be

 escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer, and the other

 women in her social circle would be insanely jealous.

 

 At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap

 at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very

 handsome, smiling Black officers.

 

 Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered,

 "There must be some mistake."

 

 "No, Madam," said the first officer.

 

 "Captain Goldstein never makes mistakes."

 

[BillyVance 34]

An oldie, but worth the repost.

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone, don't take that bad day out on someone you know.

Instead, take it out on someone unfriendly who you don't know!

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Patrick Hannifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits incorrectly.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.

When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!" and hung up.

Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up.

He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!"

It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year, the phone company introduced caller ID.

This was a real disappointment for me; I would have to stop calling the jackass.

Then, one day, I had an idea.

I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello."

I made up a name. "Hi, this is Mike Smith with the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?"

He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"

The reason I took the time to tell you this story is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it -- just dial my good ol' friend, the jackass, at 555-1111.

[Keep reading! It gets better.]

An old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking place. I didn't think she was ever going to leave.

Finally, she got the car in reverse and she began to move ... very slowly backing out of the slot.

I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out.

Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.

All of a sudden this black Camaro comes flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.

I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!"

The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me.

I thought to myself, "This guy's a jackass!" There sure are a lot of jackasses in this world.

Then I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number then hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 555-1111 and yelling, "You're a jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.)

I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.

After a couple rings, someone answered the phone and said, "Hello."

I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."

I said, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes."

"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up, I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer.

For a while, things seemed to be going better for me.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two jackasses to call.

Then, after several weeks of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.

I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution.

First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1.

A man answered nicely saying, "Hello."

I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up.

The jackass said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No."

He said, "What's your name, Pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

He said "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2.

He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, Jackass!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your butt."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, Jackass!" And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my brother-in-law as soon as he got home.

I made another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

After that, I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.

Glorious! Watching two Jackasses throwing punches and kicking one another in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter, and channel 13 news cameras!!!

It was one of the greatest experiences of my life!
 

[fog52 58]

> Subject: Signs
> 
> 
> *SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER READs:*
> We will heel you
> We will save your sole
> We will even dye for you.
> 
> *A SIGN ON A BLINDS AND CURTAIN TRUCK:*
> “Blind man driving.”
> 
> *Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:*
> "Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”
> 
> *In a Podiatrist's office:*
> "Time wounds all heels.”
> 
> *On a Septic Tank Truck*:
> Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
> 
> *At an Optometrist's Office*:
> "If you don't see what you're looking for,
> You've come to the right place.”
> 
> *On a Plumber's truck*:
> "We repair what your husband fixed.”
> 
> *On another Plumber's truck*:
> "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
> 
> *At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee *:
> "Invite us to your next blowout.”
> 
> *On an Electrician's truck*:
> "Let us remove your shorts.”
> 
> *In a Non-smoking Area:*
> "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take
> appropriate action.”
> 
> *On a Maternity Room door*:
> "Push. Push. Push.”
> 
> *At a Car Dealership*:
> "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”
> 
> *Outside a Muffler Shop:*
> "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”
> 
> *In a Veterinarian's waiting room*:
> "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
> 
> *At the Electric Company:*
> "We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However,
> if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.”
> 
> *In a Restaurant window:*
> "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”
> 
> *In the front yard of a Funeral Home*:
> "Drive carefully. We'll wait.”
> 
> *At a Propane Filling Station:*
> "Thank Heaven for little grills.”
> 
> *In a Chicago Radiator Shop:*
> "Best place in town to take a leak.”
> 
> *And the best one for last...;*
> Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
> “Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises”

[PhreeZone 20]

Just a final reminder that this thread is not to be used to post political, racial or anything dealing with pedophilia jokes at all. All such posts will be removed and we will ban the posters.

[SethInMI 174]

Stephan Patis loves these pun building, smh making Sunday comic strips. This one was mint.

[mr.paul 13]

While creating the bee, God tells the angel
"... and put a needle in its butt."
"What?"
"Put a needle in its butt. And make its puke taste delicious."
"Ummm... can we sleep on this and start over tomorrow?"
"Nope. Make it able to fly 20 miles per hour, too."
"You realize that's much faster than your humans can run?"
"Yes. Oh, paint stripes on it...."

Edited April 2, 2019 by mr.paul

[fog52 58]

 A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly
around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. 
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced
our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had
something white at its rear end.  I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure  enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's
monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake." 
" What did you do?" asks the doctor. 
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife,  "'Hey, this looks like yours!" I 
don't remember much after that." 

[ryoder 1,590]

Twardo shared this on FB this morning: 

https://www.facebook.com/MillwrightandMechanical/videos/2276891895707736/

 

Edited April 4, 2019 by ryoder

[fog52 58]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. 

"What are you doing?" She asked. 
"Hunting Flies" He responded. 
"Oh? Killing any?" She asked. 

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. 

Intrigued, she asked "How can you tell them apart?" 

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone." 

[fog52 58]

Booooo.........

 

 
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about
who was better on the computer. They had been going
at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing
all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 

"THAT'S IT! I have had
enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for
two hours, and from those results, I will judge who
does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and
typed away.

They moused.
They faxed.
They E-mailed.
They E-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports.
They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was
faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning
suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain
poured, and, of course, the power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every
curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just
sighed. Finally the electricity came back on, and
each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming: "It's
gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power
went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of
his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he
screamed.. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he
has all of his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said, "JESUS SAVES." 

[BIGUN 1,317]

17 hours ago, fog52 said:

God just shrugged and said, "JESUS SAVES." 

I thought you were going to say something about,"Stores it in the cloud."