JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[fog52 58]

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her
Vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and
the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses
carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls
in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my
operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and
that the first rose was from him:

"I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and
empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."

And what about the third rose ?" she asked.

That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for
his new ears."

[fog52 58]

The Kindness of Strangers...

 

[turtlespeed 221]

29 minutes ago, fog52 said:

The Kindness of Strangers...

IMG_5602.mov 4.32 MB · 0 downloads  

Here is the youtube version

 

Edited March 25, 2020 by turtlespeed

[BIGUN 1,317]

Mankind is wiped out by a pandemic and 80,000 years from now; aliens show up and the only evidence they find of human life is Speaker's Corner.

Edited March 26, 2020 by BIGUN

[Bigfalls 111]

17 minutes ago, BIGUN said:

Mankind is wiped out by a pandemic and 80,000 years from now; aliens show up and the only evidence they find of human life is Speaker's Corner.

And Keith Richards.

[Bigfalls 111]

Went to the grocery store and they were all out of toilet paper.

I also had to go to the hardware store, they were all out of 6 foot tape measures.

[headoverheels 333]

48 minutes ago, Bigfalls said:

Went to the grocery store and they were all out of toilet paper.

I also had to go to the hardware store, they were all out of 6 foot tape measures.

People don't need a 6 ft tape measure.  They just need to visualize a dead person laying on the ground.

[fog52 58]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a  broken fence at the White House. 

  

A Yankee, a Mexican, and a Texan. 

They go together with a White House  official to examine the fence. 

The Yankee contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a  pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." 

The Mexican contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." 

The Texan contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." 

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys!  How did you come up with such a high figure!?!?" 

The Texan contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the Mexican to fix the fence." 

"Done!" replies the government official. 

[fog52 58]

A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls. 

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife
poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year!"

They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said, "This bull mated 120 times last
year!" The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, "This bull mated 365 times last year!!"
The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this
one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow."

The husband is expected to recover 

[fog52 58]

[fog52 58]

A wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another
woman. With super-human strength borne of fury, she dragged him
down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the back yard
and put his penis in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the
handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband was terrified, and
screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her
husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm going to set the shed on fire.
You do whatever you have to".

[mr.paul 13]

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.

They planned to stay in the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon twenty years earlier.
Because of hectic travel plans it was difficult to coordinate their travel arrangements. So the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on the Thursday, with his wife due to fly down the following day. When the husband checked into the hotel he discovered a computer in his suite, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing the error , sent the email.

Meanwhile somewhere in Chicago, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting to find messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. Her son, rushing into the room, found her on the floor and saw the computer screen, which read:

"To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've arrived
I know you're surprised to hear from me so quickly. I just arrived and have been checked in. They have computers here now so of course I wanted to contact you right away! Everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow and I can't wait to greet you! I hope your journey is as easy as mine was.

By the way, prepare yourself. It's really hot down here!"

[billeisele 130]

Guy meets hot chick in the bar, invites her to his place and she says yes. In further conversation he learns she's married.

Guy: Why are you cheating?

Her: Because he stutters and lies.

Guy: Why is that a problem?

She: Well, I'm a pharmacist. He came in to buy condoms and said he needed XXXXL. I proposed on the spot. On our wedding night I learned about the stuttering and lying. He should  have asked for MMMM. 

[fog52 58]

> Comprehending Engineers - Take One
> Two engineering students were walking across campus when one
> said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer
> replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business
> when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the
> ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."  The
> second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes
> probably wouldn't have fit."
>
> Comprehending Engineers - Take Two
> To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is
> half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
>
> Comprehending Engineers - Take Three
> A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
> particularly
> slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must
> have been waiting for 15 minutes!".   The doctor chimed in, "I don't know,
> but I've
> never seen such ineptitude!"   The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the
> greenskeeper.
> Let's have a word with him." "Hey George. Say, what's with that group ahead
> of
> us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes,
> that's a
> group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our  clubhouse
> from a fire
> last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was
> silent
> for a moment.  The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special
>
> prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to
> contact
> my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
> The
> engineer said,  "Why can't these guys play at night?"
>
> Comprehending Engineers - Take Four
> What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
> Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.
>
> Comprehending Engineers - Take Five
> "Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers
> believe
> that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."
 

[dudeman17 340]

A distraught woman goes into a local hypnotherapist's office. Sobbing, she explains, "I've been faithful to my husband for nearly twenty years, but yesterday I had an affair. The guilt is eating me up. I just want to forget that it ever happened."

The hypnotherapist shook his head and sighed, "Not again..."

[fog52 58]

Engineering In Hell  

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." 
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. 

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" 

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great.   We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." 

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." 

Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." 

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." 

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?" 

[SethInMI 174]

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out the front of his pants

The bartender looks at him and asks, "Hey, you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of the front of your pants?"

Pirate looks at him and says, "Arggh it's driving me nuts"

[mr.paul 13]

While stuck at home I had time to read two books – James Cameron’s “Titanic” and Bill Clinton’s “My Life.” There seems to be a lot of similarities between the two books:

Titanic: Cost - $29.99
Clinton: Cost - $29.99

Titanic: Took over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Also took over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bull**** artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: We’re not gonna go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Bill doesn't remember anything.

Titanic: Rose almost goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica does... Yeah, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing.

[wolfriverjoe 1,523]

Day 26 of 'Shelter in Place':

My wife called in from the other room:

"Honey? Are you in any pain?"

 

I replied:
"No, what kind of pain do you mean?"

She said:
"Like needles going into your chest. Like someone is using a voodoo doll on you."

Me:
"No, nothing like that at all"

 

Her:
"How about now?"

[mr.paul 13]

My friend keeps saying, "Cheer up, it could be worse. You could be stuck in a deep hole full of water."

I know he means well.

[fog52 58]

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. 

 

 There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?" 

 

 He says, "OK, Get in the car with it."

 

 The wife says, "Where shall I put it to get it warm?" 

  He says, "Put it between your legs. It's nice and warm there." 

 

"But what about the smell?" said the wife. 

 "Just hold its little nose."

 

 The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene. 

[mr.paul 13]

We all know Albert Einstein was a genius...

but his brother Frank was a monster!

[fog52 58]

A bit of news maybe you already knew about:

"What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the
world at the moment, it is
worth reflecting on the death of a very important
person which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry La
Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died
peacefully at age 93.  The most traumatic part for his
family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in... and then the trouble
started."

[wolfriverjoe 1,523]

I had to look it up. Of course.

He died at 83, not 93.

In 1996, not last week.

But the part about the difficulties of getting him in the box was apparently true.

 

[fog52 58]

Joe leased an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes
   wearing a robe. Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.  As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
   nothing else on. Poor Joe broke out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.  After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my
   apartment, I hear someone coming."  He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.  "Now," she
   purred at him, "what would you say is my best feature?"  Flustered and embarrassed, Joe finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"  Astounded and a little hurt she
   asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural!  I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin -- no blemishes anywhere!
   How can you feel the best part of my body is my ears?"  Clearing his throat, Joe stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."