JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[turtlespeed 220]

[mr.paul 13]

What do you get if you cross an Agnostic, insomniac and a Dyslexic ?

Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

[turtlespeed 220]

I laughed a little to hard at this for my own good.

[raftman 12]

A man walks into the library and asks for a book on how to commit suicide.  The librarian said " Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

[SethInMI 174]

I didn't think orthopedic shoes would help my posture. I stand corrected.

[turtlespeed 220]

How did the cannibal win the cooking contest?

A lot of blood, sweat, and tears

[raftman 12]

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

 

They taste funny!

[Divalent 136]

Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his brother in the forest?

[turtlespeed 220]

What did the cannibal get when he came home late for dinner?

 

 

The cold shoulder.

[Erroll 80]

On 4/18/2020 at 3:25 PM, mr.paul said:

but his brother Frank was a monster!

but his brother Frank made a monster?

[irishrigger 32]

GOLFERS ARE WONDERFUL PEOPLE....

1. A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!

"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.

"I'm dying here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

[irishrigger 32]

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"

The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.
The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down."

[turtlespeed 220]

Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer

One turns to the other and asks, "\*does this taste funny to you?\*"

The other responds, "\*no.\*"

[turtlespeed 220]

Two cannibals sat by a fire the 1st one says

"I'm going to become a vegan".

The other one says "me too"

The 1st one says " you do realise we have totally fucked up this joke now it won't be funny "

The other one says "yeh well that's vegans for you"

[Bigfalls 111]

A priest wakes up at 5:00 am on a Sunday to write his sermon for the days church services.  It is the first beautiful day after a week of rain.  The priest loves to play golf but hasn't had a chance due to the weather and just cant resist the sunshine.  He decides to recycle one of his sermons from last year and go play a round of golf.  He figures it is so early, he can play a quick round and no one will know.  Off he goes.  He gets to the 7 th hole and it is a long par 5.  God looks down an sees the priest and says to St Peter "what is that priest doing playing golf on a Sunday before church, I want you to punish him".  The priest tees up and hits the ball and it is a hole in one.  God looks down and says to St Peter, "I thought I told you to punish him".  St Peter replies, " I did, who is he going to tell".

[turtlespeed 220]

What do you call a virgin lying on a waterbed?

A cherry float.

[SethInMI 174]

told to me by my niece:

Q. why did the cabbage win the race?

A. because it was a-head.

Q. why were the horses living so close together?

A. because they were neigh-bors

Edited April 28, 2020 by SethInMI

[fog52 58]

> Little Firefighter
>
>
> Gotta love this little one
> A fire fighter is working outside the station when he notices a
> little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides, a
> garden hose coiled in the middle, and wearing a fire fighter's helmet.
>
> The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.
> "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with
> admiration.
>
> "Thanks," the girl says.
>
> When the fire fighter takes a closer look, he notices the girl has
> tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
>
> "Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you
> how to run your rig, but, if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
> Collar, I think you could go faster."
>
> The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but
> then I wouldn't have a siren."

[fog52 58]

Deep Thoughts of a Retired Man

 

(and an age-old questioned answered)

 

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.  The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

 

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."

 

She then said, "That's what you did yesterday!"

 

I replied, "I WASN'T DONE, SO I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF FINISHING RIGHT NOW."

 

The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"  At that point, I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

 

Finally, I pondered an age-old question:  "Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?"  Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?

 

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.  Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion.  A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

 

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

                                                      

I rest my case.  Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.

[Guest]

THE CIVIL SERVANT'S DOG
-----------------------
Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was
an engineer who said his dog could draw. His dog's name was "T-Square",
and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a
triangle, which he did with no sweat.
The accountant said he thought his dog, "Balance", could do better.
He told him to fetch a dozen cookies and divide them into piles of
three, which he did with no problem.
The chemist said that was a very good stunt, but that his dog,
"Apothecary", could do better yet. He told his dog to get a quart of
milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. Apothecary did this
without a hitch.
All three men agreed their dogs were equally smart. They turned to
the Civil Servant and asked him what his dog could do. The Civil Servant
called his dog, whose name was "Coffee break", and said, "Show the
fellows what you can do, old buddy." Coffee Break then strolled over and
ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other
three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so. He then filed
a grievance for unsafe conditions, applied for Workers' Compensation,
and left for home on sick leave.

[fog52 58]

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello".

"Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Stevens at the Medical
Testing Laboratory.When your doctor sent your
husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for
Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for
AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?"
questioned Mrs. Ward.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

[mr.paul 13]

I was having a quiet beer at the pub the other day and a man walked in with a pet newt on his shoulder. I asked, 'What's his name?' 'Tiny', the man replied. 'Why do you call him Tiny?" I asked. He looked at me like I was a complete moron and said, "Because he's my newt".

[Guest]

11 hours ago, mr.paul said:

I was having a quiet beer at the pub the other day and a man walked in with a pet newt on his shoulder. I asked, 'What's his name?' 'Tiny', the man replied. 'Why do you call him Tiny?" I asked. He looked at me like I was a complete moron and said, "Because he's my newt".

Argh. That was painful. Mike Muscat couldn't have done it better (worse).

[fog52 58]

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
 
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"
 
"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities."
 
"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.
 
"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer."
 
"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
 
"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here In the first place."

[fog52 58]

>A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
>covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
> >
> >Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The
> >heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At
> >that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
> >
> >When confronted, he said: "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
>funeral
>
> >-- I'm a gynecologist."
>
> >At that point, the proctologist fainted.