JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[Divalent 131]

Office manager to his boss: "Can I have Thursday and Friday off next week so I can travel with my wife to visit my mother-in-law?"

Boss: "Certainly not!"

Office manager: "Thanks so much!  I knew you would be understanding."
 

[Divalent 131]

A friend told me that his girlfriend had left him.

Me: "Why?"

He: "She asked who I would choose for a threesome."

Me: "Let me guess: you chose one of her friends?"

He: "No, I chose two of of them."
 

[Divalent 131]

If you throw someone out of a pub in Ireland and they come right back in ...

then it's probably just Rick O'Shea

[Divalent 131]

When I was little, a strange old man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.

Now, after devoting my life to building a time machine of my own, I'm finally ready to go back to when he was little, and we'll see how he likes it!

[Divalent 131]

It takes guts to be an organ donor.

[lippy 918]

Man To Librarian: "Excuse me, I'm looking for the new book about living with a micro-penis"

Librarian: "I don't know if it's in yet"

Man: "Yeah, that's the one"

[Divalent 131]

My favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandmother.

That is, until my dad took her urn away from me.

[Divalent 131]

If I had a dollar for every time I didn't have sex, I could have sex all the time.

[Divalent 131]

Late at night the husband is browsing porn websites on his computer, thinking that his wife is sound asleep.

The wife wakes up to go to the bathroom, and then without saying a word (and without the husband noticing) stands behind his back observing.

All of a sudden, he hears her say: “Go back… another page. There! Those are the curtains I want for our bedroom.”

[Divalent 131]

A man’s walking home late on a dark night when he notices a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks for a quickie!” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell.

They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” said the man, “to tell the truth neither did I until you flashed that light on her face.”

[Divalent 131]

I arrived home and my wife was nowhere to be found, which was very unusual. Then I noticed a note on the fridge that said, "This isn’t working."

I’m not quite sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door, and it’s working fine!
 

[Divalent 131]

An old man is lying in a hospital bed. Feeling that these may be the last moments of his life, he says to his wife: "We have 7 children. The older 6 are all good looking, athletic, smart, symmetrical, outgoing, and responsible, but our seventh child is just about the complete opposite in all those ways. Tell me the truth, does he have a different father?"

Wife: "Yes..."

Husband: "Who's the father?"

Wife: "You are."

[Divalent 131]

A wealthy art dealer is having a drink by his pool when his lawyer calls him...

Lawyer: "I've got some bad news for you. Your wife has spent ten thousand dollars to purchase two pictures. She thinks she can get anywhere from ten to twenty million for the pair", says the lawyer.

"That's not bad news! That's wonderful! That kind of profit margin is unheard of!", exclaims the dealer. "How is that possibly bad news?"

The lawyer takes a deep breath and lets out a sigh. "Well, they are pictures of you with your mistress."

[Divalent 131]

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She replies, "I'm off to New York. I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

"Where are you going?" she asks.

"I'm coming with you. I want to see how you live on $800 a year."

[turtlespeed 219]

"What the hell are you supposed to be, then?" the host asks.

"I'm a turtle," the man replies.

"What a pile of shite!" the host replies. "How can you be a turtle when all you've got is that naked woman on your back?"

"Oh her?" the man smiles. "That's just Michelle!"

[Divalent 131]

An art dealer phones a painter and says: "I have good news and bad news."

Painter: "Okay, what's the good news?"

Art Dealer: "The good news is, a person came to the gallery today and asked about the value of your art. I showed him the current price on all your paintings. And when I mentioned that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them!"

Painter: "Wow! That is GREAT news! So what's the bad news?"

Art Dealer: "He was your doctor."

[johnhking1 96]

What do you call a cattail growing in Florida..........A Sandy Reid

What are frap hats made out of................Helmut Cloth

[turtlespeed 219]

18 hours ago, johnhking1 said:

What do you call a cattail growing in Florida..........A Sandy Reid

What are frap hats made out of................Helmut Cloth

Why don't monsters eat ghosts?

They taste like Sheet!

[Divalent 131]

Three dogs are in the waiting room at the vet's, talking about why they are there.

The first one, a chihuahua, says "I'm the world's greatest barker. I bark at everything. Non stop. You name it, I bark at it. My owner thinks if vet cuts my balls off I'll stop barking, so here I am."

The second one, a labrador, says "I'm the world's greatest digger. I can dig holes in anything. My backyard looks like the surface of the moon. But I went too far and dug a hole in the floor. My owner thinks if the vet cuts my balls off, I'll stop digging. So here I am."

The third one, a great dane, says "I'm the world's greatest humper. I hump everything. The couch. The chairs. Lamp posts. But this morning my owner bent down to pick something up and I couldn't resist, I jumped on and started humping her."

"Oh," said the chihuahua. "So she wants to have your balls cut off too?"

"No, I'm getting my nails clipped."

[turtlespeed 219]

Two guys on a subway:

One shows the other a picture of his wife, and says, "Isnt she Beautiful?!"

The other says, "If you think she's beautiful, you should see MY wife."

"Is she a Model?", the one asks?

"Oh, No." The other says, "She's an Optician!"

[johnhking1 96]

You go to a restaurant and order a bison burger.  What do you get after your meal.

A Buffalo Bill

[Divalent 131]

What do you call a dog with no hind legs with steel balls?

...

...

Sparky

[turtlespeed 219]

2 hours ago, Divalent said:

What do you call a dog with no hind legs with steel balls?

...

...

Sparky

What do you call a dog with no legs at all?

Who cares?  He won't come when you call him anyway!

[Divalent 131]

Cathy: "I've got a wicked sore throat."

Anna: "Whenever I have a sore throat, I give my husband a wonderful blow job and I'm cured straight away."

Cathy: "Really?"

Anna: "Try it and you'll see that I'm right." 

The next day they meet again. Anna: "So, did my advice work?"

Cathy: "It worked! And your husband couldn't believe it was your idea!"

[Divalent 131]

I only have two requests for when I die:

1) I want my remains scattered around Disneyland, and

2) I don't want to be cremated.