JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[turtlespeed 220]

11 hours ago, Divalent said:

I only have two requests for when I die:

1) I want my remains scattered around Disneyland, and

2) I don't want to be cremated.

It is interesting how different nations have their dogs make different sounds.

An American dog goes Woof, a Czech dog goes Haf, a Dutch dog goes Blaf and a Chinese dog goes Sizzle.

[Divalent 135]

I brought my girlfriend to the family Christmas dinner.

My wife and kids weren't terribly happy about it.

[turtlespeed 220]

On 12/25/2024 at 3:22 PM, Divalent said:

I brought my girlfriend to the family Christmas dinner.

My wife and kids weren't terribly happy about it.

Hmmm - I don't understand why.

 

[Divalent 135]

I asked my mom if I was adopted.

She said, "Of course not!   Why would we choose YOU?"

[turtlespeed 220]

On 12/28/2024 at 7:52 AM, Divalent said:

I asked my mom if I was adopted.

She said, "Of course not!   Why would we choose YOU?"

My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

[Divalent 135]

A handsome man in a suit approached a young woman at a bar and asked if he could buy her a drink.

“Don’t you have a girlfriend?" she asked. "Guys like you always have girlfriends.”

He looked downcast, "No, we broke up just over a month ago."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said. “OK then, I'll have a white wine please."

One glass of wine led to a second. A few drinks later after a kiss & a cuddle they headed off back to her place for some wild uninhibited sex.

While he was getting dressed, she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed. Can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"

“My wife found out,” he answered.

[Divalent 135]

The CEO of IKEA was just elected Prime Minister in Sweden...

He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.

[Divalent 135]

my neighbor with the big boobs is mowing the lawn naked again.

I wish his wife would do the same sometimes

[Divalent 135]

Studies have shown that women who gain seven or more pounds over the holidays have a longer life expectancy…

 

…than the men who point it out.

[Divalent 135]

A man died and went to Heaven. St Peter says to him “Before you meet with God, I should tell you ,we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a little old lady who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this lady or they would have to deal with me!”

“Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?”

“About three minutes ago,” came the reply.

[Divalent 135]

A deaf man and deaf woman were just married. On morning after their honeymoon, they were having a sign-language discussion about sex. Specifically, how to make their wishes known with the lights out.

The wife began by signing: "When you want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my breast once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze it twice."

The husband replied: "Great. So when you want to have sex, reach over and stroke my penis once. When you don't want to have sex, stroke it a hundred times."

[Divalent 135]

I thought that my wife would feel flattered when I told her that I’d only had sex with 3 women in my life.

Maybe I shouldn't have told her that she was the 2nd.

[Divalent 135]

What's better than someone putting roses on your piano?

Someone putting tulips on your organ.

[Divalent 135]

I’m never donating blood again; it’s all an endless series of questions whenever I do.

Like...

- Where did you get it from?

- Why are you carrying it in a bucket?