JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[JerryBaumchen 1,426]

Hi folks,

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'



Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'



Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'



A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,426]

Hi folks,

George, an elderly man, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?'

He said 'No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.'

Then the police dispatcher said 'All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.'

George said, 'Okay.'

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them.' and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George, 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'.

George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'.

JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,426]

Hi folks,

As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.

Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up, started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."

He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,426]

Hi folks,

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently," she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - "Is that one word or two?"



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,426]

Hi folks,

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Marion .... Marion"

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch, you'd be proud - lots of greens. Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit in Phoenix ".



JerryBaumchen

[JohnMitchell 16]

JerryBaumchen

'Where's my toast?'



JerryBaumchen

Vskydiver loved that one.

[JerryBaumchen 1,426]

Hi folks,

A little boy about 8 years old walked up to the security guard in a large department store and told him, "Sir, I was shopping with my Grandfather but I can't find him and now I'm lost."

"We'll find him son, what's he like?" The guard asks.

The boy replies, "Jack Daniels whiskey and blondes with big boobs!"



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,426]

Hi folks,

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Jersey guy are exploring the jungle and are captured by a fierce tribe.

The chief tells them, "The bad news is that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison."

The chief gives him some poison; the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please."

The chief gives him a pistol; the Brit points it at his head, says, "God save the Queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Jersey guy says, "Gimme a fork."

The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork.

The New Jersey guy takes the fork and jabs himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. Blood gushes from every hole.

The chief screams, "What are you doing?"

The Jersey guy looks at the chief and says, "Now, try building a canoe."



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,426]

Hi folks,

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.

However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,426]

Hi folks,

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'Why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

The old lady said.... "Well, not everybody pays."



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,426]

Hi folks,

An old man walks into the barbershop for shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,426]

Hi folks,

A 75 year old guy is at the doctor getting his annual check up.

When the doctor asks how he feels he answers: "I have never felt better. My girlfriend is 18 years old and she is expecting my child, not bad huh?"

The doctor paused for a moment and said: "Let me tell you a story: I know a hunter that never misses a hunting opportunity. But one day he mistakenly attached his umbrella to his backpack instead of his rifle. When he reached the forest he was suddenly confronted by a bear. He removed the umbrella from the backpack, aimed at the bear and fired. The bear dropped to the ground and was dead."

"Ha, ha, ha...that's impossible" laughed the old guy. "Another hunter must have fired the shot."

"My words exactly" said the doctor.



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,426]

Hi folks,

Two young men just finished setting up their shop in a busy mall in Miami and were standing outside admiring their work. The shelves were empty and ready for inventory.

One young fella says to his partner,"Let's just stand out here for a bit and wait for some old codger to come by and ask what we are selling"

Sure enough, an old gentleman stops and asks, "What are you two young fellers selling here?"

"We are selling a$$holes" said one of them sarcastically.

"Business must be good" replied the ol' fart, "You only have two left!"



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,426]

Hi folks,

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. And he could fix anything. Not like me - I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his wife..."



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,426]

Hi folks,

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door.

It is opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Playboy magazine tucked under his arm.

Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home ?"

Little boy: "What do you think?"



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,426]

Hi folks,

I LOVE YOU, SWEETHEART

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, some yesterday, some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."

The women were then told to exchange phones and to read aloud the text message responses.

Here are some of the replies:

1. Who is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?

3. I love you, too.

4. What now? Did you crash the car again?

5. I don't understand what you mean?

6. What did you do now?

7. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

8. I thought we agreed we would not drink during the day.

9. Your mother is coming to stay, isn't she??

JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,426]

Hi folks,

A man went to a female dentist with two broken teeth that he had knocked out in a bar fight.

The dentist said that she would need to pull them out and she got out the needle and started moving toward him.

"No way" the guy said, "I don't do needles."

The dentist then put the syringe away and reached for the nitrous.

The man shouted, "No laughing gas for me, I say crazy things and they're not appropriate."

The female dentist hands him two pills and water and says take these.

The guy looks at her and says, "What were they?"

The female dentist responds, "Viagara."

The guy says, "I didn't know viagara can prevent pain."

The dentist looks at him and says, "They don't, but at least it'll give you something to hang on to while I pull those two teeth."



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,426]

Hi folks,

His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when the butler approached and and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, my Lord?"

"Go ahead Carson," said his Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on."

"What word is that?" said his Lordship.

"Aplomb" my Lord.

"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self assurance or complete composure."

"Thank you my Lord, but I'm still a little confused."

"Then let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us."

"I remember the occasion very well ,my Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."

"Also", continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden? "

"I was present on that occasion, my Lord, ministering to their needs."

"While plucking the rose a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."

Carson replied, "I witnessed the incident my Lord and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

"That evening his pricked thumb was so sore, Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate even though it was extremely tender."

"Yes my Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."

"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate enquired of Will with a loud voice, "Darling does your prick still throb?"

"You, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee! Now, that is aplomb!"

JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,426]

Hi folks,

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.

However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.

His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between “COMPLETE” and "FINISHED". Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.

Here is his astute answer: "When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

His answer was received with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes.



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,426]

Hi folks,

Matti, a chicken farmer, stops by at the Paradise Bar in Ishpeming. He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.

The woman said, "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne."

"What a coincidence," said Matti, "It's a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"It's a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating," said the woman.

"What a coincidence," said Matti.

While they toasted, Matti asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"Well, my husband and I have been trying to have a child for years," the woman replied, "and today my doctor told me that I was pregnant."

"What a coincidence," said Matti. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years, all my hens have been infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."

"That's awesome," said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"

"I used a different rooster," said Matti.

"What a coincidence..!" she replied.



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,426]

Hi folks,

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one."

The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.

Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"

"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm Satan, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you, "the golfer replies, "I'm Father Sean O'Malley, the parish priest at St. Annes Church."



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,426]

Hi folks,

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the young woman stared back at the old woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her shaking hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. Her mind raced. A question forced its way out... she simply had to know.. She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, tried to steady her voice and asked,

"Will I be acquitted?"



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,426]

Hi folks,

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well, however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all.

Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon, from the nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over last week."



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,426]

Hi folks,

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, “Y’all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I was to give you $20,000 minus 14%, how much would you take off?”

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everthing but my earrings.”



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,426]

Hi folks,

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, “Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!”

Bubba replied, “Did y’all see who it was?”

The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number.”



JerryBaumchen