JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[format 1]

In a full, quiet bar, comes in a man, sits alone and every couple of minutes says outloud: "Aww motherfucker"
After an hour or so, one guy asked him: "What's up bro?"

The guy says: "I'm blond, my wife is even blonder... we've just gotta a black baby"

Everybody outloud: "AWW MOTHERFUCKER!"

[JerryBaumchen 1,362]

Hi folks,

At the end of the tax year, the IRS sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. "What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CEO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company, and every once in a while they send us a free roll."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went in his obnoxious way, "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CEO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CEO. "Well, what do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CEO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year they send us a complete pr**k."



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,362]

Hi folks,

Apparently, a true story.

A French policeman stops the Englishman's car and asks if he has been drinking.

With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malt scotches thereafter.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcohol-test (breath test) the Englishman and verifies that he is indeed totally sloshed. He asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French Law, he is going to be arrested.

The Englishman answers with a bit of humour, "No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you realize that this is a British car and that my wife is driving . . . . . on the other side?"



Jerry Baumchen

[BillyVance 34]

DUMB ASS Frenchies...

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[fog52 58]

> After 35 years of marriage, a
> husband
> and wife came for counseling.
>
>
>
> When asked what the problem
> was, the
> wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had
> ever had in the years
> they had been married.
> On
> and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
> loneliness, feeling
> unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet
> needs she had
> endured.
>
>
>
> Finally, after allowing this
> for a
> sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked
> around the desk and
> after asking the wife to stand,
> he embraced and kissed her
> long and
> passionately as her husband watched – with a raised
> eyebrow.
>
> The woman shut up and quietly
> sat down as though
> in a daze.
>
>
>
> The therapist turned to the
> husband
> and said:
> "This is what your wife
> needs at
> least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
>
>
>
> "Well, I can drop her off
> here on
> Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

Magna res est vocis et silentii temperamentum

[fog52 58]

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for a consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.



The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: "1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."



The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: How do I stop the medicine from working?"



"Your partner must say 1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."



He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.



His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked: "What was the1-2-3 for?"



And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

Magna res est vocis et silentii temperamentum

[BillyVance 34]

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[akarunway 1]

fog52

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for a consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.



The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: "1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."



The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: How do I stop the medicine from working?"



"Your partner must say 1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."



He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.



His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked: "What was the1-2-3 for?"



And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

And then she said "where is it at?"

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

[oldwomanc6 52]

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands. "At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. "Yes it is," bartender answers. "Do you have huge golden doors?" "Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?" "Most certainly do." "What about golden urinals?" There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!

lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

[fog52 58]

Magna res est vocis et silentii temperamentum

[fog52 58]

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in
Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of
him; the other one is holding the Star of David.
Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into
the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people
giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross
while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.

Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says,
"My poor fellow, don't you understand?

This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People
aren't going to give you money if you sit there
with a Star of David in front of you, especially when
you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross.
In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite."

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled,
and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said,
"Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

Magna res est vocis et silentii temperamentum

[JerryBaumchen 1,362]

Hi folks,

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always hunted and Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, “Nope, ain't Stanley .”

The mortician thought this was rather strange, so he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, “Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, “No, it ain't Stanley .”

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”

Gomer said, “Well, Stanley had two a**-holes.”

“What! He had two a**-holes?” asked the mortician.

“Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, 'There's Stanley with them two a**-holes.'”



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,362]

Hi folks,

The other day I went over to a nearby pharmacy. When I got there, I went straight to the back of the store to where the Pharmacists’ Counter is located. I took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter. The pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me.

I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?"

Being I'm a senior citizen...I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me. He picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around. Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it out on the floor and began coughing.

When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye asked, “Now, does that taste sweet to you?"

The pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, "NO!!!"

So I said, "That's a real relief! My doctor told me to get a pharmacist to test my urine for sugar!"

Well, I can never go back to that pharmacy, but I really don't care though; because, they aren’t very friendly there anyway!!!



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,362]

Hi folks,

A BLONDE JOKE THAT YOU'VE MAYBE NEVER HEARD BEFORE.

She desperately wanted a pair of beautiful alligator shoes.

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, ’Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead 'gators, all lying belly up.

The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the 'gator. Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration ......

"Rats, this one's barefoot too."



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,362]

Hi folks,

I got a new stick deodorant the other day.

The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.

I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells just lovely.



Jerry Baumchen

[muff528 3]

You probably have no clue how lame and corny your jokes are. ...keep 'em coming!

[JerryBaumchen 1,362]

Hi muff,

Quote

how lame and corny your jokes are

Oh, I do know. And if someone told them to me, I would roll my eyes and try to just move slowly away.

Hey, something's better than nothing. Or is it the other way around?

Jerry Baumchen

[EnricoPalazzo 1]

Hey Jerry,
I for one really like them, so please keep 'em coming Muff, I have yet to see one of yours. If you think Jerry's are lame, I'm really curious...

[muff528 3]

I've got a couple in there somewhere. You'll have to read all 30 pages to find them.

What is the definition of the word "specimen"?

....an Italian astronaut.

[wolfriverjoe 1,523]

JerryBaumchen

Hi muff,

Quote

how lame and corny your jokes are

Oh, I do know. And if someone told them to me, I would roll my eyes and try to just move slowly away.

Hey, something's better than nothing. Or is it the other way around?

Jerry Baumchen

Hi Jerry,

They are pretty lame. I usually groan a bit at each one.

But they also make me smile.
I enjoy them.

Please keep them coming.

The barefoot alligator one was pretty good.

"There are NO situations which do not call for a French Maid outfit." Lucky McSwervy

"~ya don't GET old by being weak & stupid!" - Airtwardo

[wmw999 2,444]

Me too. I read them to my husband, and he rolls his eyes

Wendy P.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[BillyVance 34]

My little girl has been coming up with some corny jokes too... Damned if I can remember what the last one was...

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[JerryBaumchen 1,362]

Hi Wendy,

Quote

and he rolls his eyes

OK, see how he reacts to this one:

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies,' he responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.

"Yup, two males & three females," he responded.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"

He said, "Two were on a beer can and three were on the phone."



Jerry Baumchen

[format 1]

Now you're talking jokes!

edit: Hi Jerry

What goes around, comes later.

[JerryBaumchen 1,362]

Hi folks,

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his Colt pistol and yelled, "I have a .45 Colt with an eight shot clip and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."

A voice from the back of the room called out, "You don't have enough ammo!"



Jerry Baumchen