oldwomanc6 52 #1001 March 4, 2016 lisa WSCR 594 FB 1023 CBDB 9 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ryoder 1,590 #1002 March 4, 2016 I first saw that pinned to the wall of the shop at a local auto dealership when I was 20 years old. But the version I saw was a lot less flattering."There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,362 #1003 March 7, 2016 Hi folks, For our friends east of the pond. Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be a Millionaire' and toward the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds. "You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million pounds, you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?" "Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!" "Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? a) Sparrow b) Thrush, c) Magpie, d) Cuckoo?" "I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin ." Mick called up his mate Paddy, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. "Bloody hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple - it's a cuckoo." "Are you sure?" "I’m bloody sure." Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as me answer." "Is that your final answer?" asked Chris. "Dat it is". There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!" The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink. "Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?" "Because, he lives in a friggin’ clock!" Jerry Baumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BillyVance 34 #1004 March 8, 2016 (GROAN) "Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
format 1 #1005 March 8, 2016 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rfDBHuJaVn4 "Hi, dad.. I don't realy need your help, I just wanted to let you know that I won a million dollars". Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
fog52 58 #1006 March 9, 2016 A Positive Attitude Late in the night, a bull rider finally regained consciousness. He was in the hospital, in terrible pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his mouth, needles and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a nurse hovering over him. He realized that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation. The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable, "You may not feel anything from the waist down." Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your boobs, then?" AND THAT, MY FRIEND, IS A POSITIVE ATTITUDEMagna res est vocis et silentii temperamentum Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BillyVance 34 #1007 March 9, 2016 IMO damn worth the repost.... For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!! Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It would always cheer me up. Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!" The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863. [Keep reading, it gets better.] The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking pace. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there sure are a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park. A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?" "Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front." I said, "What's your name?" "My name is Don Hansen." "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home in the evenings." "Listen Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes," "Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution: First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up. The jackass said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah." He said, "Stop calling me." I said, "No." He said, "What's your name, Pal?" I said, "Don Hansen." He said "Where do you live?" "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front." "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers." "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up. Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello." I said, "Hello, Jackass!" He said, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" "I'll kick your ass." "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!" And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious! Watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life! "Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BillyVance 34 #1008 March 15, 2016 Et tu, Brutus?"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
oldwomanc6 52 #1009 March 16, 2016 Pretty sure that had Caesar been stabbed only once, it would not have in the back. lisa WSCR 594 FB 1023 CBDB 9 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
irishrigger 32 #1010 March 22, 2016 The Wedding "Daddy, I am coming home to get married soon, so get out your check book" "I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. As you know, I am in Australia, and he lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, He proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of relationship through Viber. My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding." Lots of love and thanks, Your favorite daughter, Lilly. "My Dear Lilly, Like, Wow! Really? Cool ! Whatever....., I suggest you two get married on Twitter, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through Paypal and when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay" Lots of love Dad Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BillyVance 34 #1011 March 24, 2016 Throwback Thursday - Airtwardo's childhood pursuits... "Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,362 #1012 March 28, 2016 Hi folks, Keeping the Rabbi.............. During Saturday morning service the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular. Abe, who owns several car dealerships in Venice and Sarasota, stands up and proclaims, "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!" The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds. Saul, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!" More sighs and loud applause. Estelle, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex." There is total silence. The rabbi, blushing, asks her, "Estelle, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?" Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side. His wife replies, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help and he said, 'Screw him.'" Jerry Baumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jumpwally 0 #1013 March 28, 2016 Speaking of Twardo,,,he hasn't been around much....smile, be nice, enjoy life FB # - 1083 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ryoder 1,590 #1014 March 28, 2016 jumpwallySpeaking of Twardo,,,he hasn't been around much.... He seems to be on FB more than Dizzy lately."There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BillyVance 34 #1015 March 28, 2016 jumpwallySpeaking of Twardo,,,he hasn't been around much.... Yeah, I mentioned as much a few months ago and somebody on FB told him and he came on here briefly. He's been busy flipping a house or something."Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ryoder 1,590 #1016 March 28, 2016 BillyVance***Speaking of Twardo,,,he hasn't been around much.... Yeah, I mentioned as much a few months ago and somebody on FB told him and he came on here briefly. He's been busy flipping a house or something. What I was told: He spent the winter remodeling his CO house, and now he is starting on remodeling his TX house."There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JohnnyMarko 1 #1017 March 28, 2016 ryoder******Speaking of Twardo,,,he hasn't been around much.... Yeah, I mentioned as much a few months ago and somebody on FB told him and he came on here briefly. He's been busy flipping a house or something. What I was told: He spent the winter remodeling his CO house, and now he is starting on remodeling his TX house. As someone who recently purchased a house in Denver that was flipped, Jesus Christ what a market to be a remodeled home seller. Forget where Jim's CO house was though. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ryoder 1,590 #1018 March 28, 2016 JohnnyMarko*** What I was told: He spent the winter remodeling his CO house, and now he is starting on remodeling his TX house. As someone who recently purchased a house in Denver that was flipped, Jesus Christ what a market to be a remodeled home seller. Forget where Jim's CO house was though. In Aurora, near the East side of Cherry Creek State Park."There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JohnnyMarko 1 #1019 March 28, 2016 ryoder****** What I was told: He spent the winter remodeling his CO house, and now he is starting on remodeling his TX house. As someone who recently purchased a house in Denver that was flipped, Jesus Christ what a market to be a remodeled home seller. Forget where Jim's CO house was though. In Aurora, near the East side of Cherry Creek State Park. Gross. We're past inspection and on to appraisal. It should all continue to go well, so we'll be moving to Park Hill right on 23rd....man I'm derailing this thread. I just hardly get on dizzy anymore so it's fun to catch up. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BIGUN 1,307 #1020 March 28, 2016 Hi Jerry... getting back on track here. A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ryoder 1,590 #1021 March 29, 2016 "There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Di0 2 #1022 March 29, 2016 formathttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rfDBHuJaVn4 "Hi, dad.. I don't realy need your help, I just wanted to let you know that I won a million dollars". Shit, I actually knew that. Like I knew those other 2 or 3 million dollar questions I've happened to see (true, I didn't know many of the knes before but funnily I always happened to know the 1M one, maybe because I love anecdotes). That said, that was a hell of a show off, he'd be a good skydiver. LoLI'm standing on the edge With a vision in my head My body screams release me My dreams they must be fed... You're in flight. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RopeaDope 0 #1023 March 31, 2016 What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve? (Christopher Walkin) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,362 #1024 April 1, 2016 Hi folks, Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, joined the Marine Corps. On his first day in basic training, the Marine Corps issued him a comb. That afternoon, the Marine Corps barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Marine Corps issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon, the Marine Corps dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Marine Corps issued him a jock strap. The Marine Corps has been looking for Herman for 51 years. Jerry Baumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,362 #1025 April 3, 2016 Hi folks, After my recent prostate exam, which was one of the most thorough examinations I've ever had, the doctor left and the nurse came in. As she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear....She said...."Who Was That guy?" Jerry Baumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
