JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[JerryBaumchen 1,362]

Hi folks,

This one is for you, irishrigger:

IRISH WEDDING:

At the Irish wedding reception the D.J. yelled...

"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was overwhelmed by the attention.



Jerry Baumchen

[BIGUN 1,307]

Haaa!! I'm going to use that one.

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[irishrigger 32]

Thanks Jerry, Love it!

[BillyVance 34]

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[irishrigger 32]

TWO Ladies talking in Heaven,

Hi Wanda!
Hi Sylvia, how did you die?
I froze to death says Wanda!
that is terrible way to go says Sylvia
It wasn't so bad actually Wanda,After i quit shaking i started to feel warm and sleepy and died Peacefully. what about you Sylvia?
I died of a massive heart attack, i suspected my husband was cheating on me so i came home early to catch him, but he was all by himself in the den watching TV.
So what happened?
I still had a feeling that he was with a woman so i frantically searched the house up and down from the basement to the attic. i checked everywhere under the beds, the closest and every room but i found no one. i was rushing around so much i got exhausted and died of a heart attack

Too bad you did not check the freezer, then the 2 of us would still be alive!!!

[irishrigger 32]

A mother is cleaning up her 12 year old sons bedroom, when she finds when she finds lots of Bondage gear and fetish magazines. she is absolutely shocked she runs to her husband and explains what she has found and wonders how to deal with it.

the dad says, I am not sure but whatever you do Do not F..king Spank him!

[irishrigger 32]

A man goes to see a doctor as he is very worried about his wife's temper.

The doctor asks, “What’s the problem?”

The man says, “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my wife seems to lose her temper for no reason. It scares me.”

The doctor says, “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your wife is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until she either leaves the room or calms down.”

Two weeks later, the man comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The man says, “Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my wife started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and she calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?”

The doctor says, “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick.”

[irishrigger 32]

[irishrigger 32]

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work in the USAF not aware that her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.
The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "£250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "I'll tell."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "£750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "£1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church where the father alerts the Padre and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again!"

[irishrigger 32]

Ron Burbury, 89 years of age, was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and
the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Ron replied, "That would be my wife”.

[irishrigger 32]

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican and because they are THE seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope.
Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting....
"Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin!!..

[ryoder 1,590]

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[irishrigger 32]

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation..
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response

Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,

V. Gina

[irishrigger 32]

He Said To Me!


He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?


He said to me . ... ...... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart



He said to me.. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!



He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don't have time



He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . I don't know; it has never happened.



He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.



He said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said . . A widow.



He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[BIGUN 1,307]

Pavlov is sitting at a bar, when all of the sudden the phone rings… "He gasps, “Oh shit, I forgot to feed the dogs.”

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?... Ask them to pronounce “union.”

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies, “No, I’m traveling light.”

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[irishrigger 32]

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”

The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”

The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”

The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”
O
The first kid says, “A circumcision.”

And the second kid says, “Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born… Couldn’t walk for a year.”

[oldwomanc6 52]

lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

[BillyVance 34]

Worst pick-up line ever.

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[ryoder 1,590]

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[oldwomanc6 52]

lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

[ryoder 1,590]

This is an actual news story, but it certainly qualifies as a joke: http://www.fox4news.com/trending/164364754-story

We need to put this ankle GPS tracker on a guy with a prosthetic leg;
Which leg should we use?

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[BillyVance 34]

ryoder

This is an actual news story, but it certainly qualifies as a joke: http://www.fox4news.com/trending/164364754-story

We need to put this ankle GPS tracker on a guy with a prosthetic leg;
Which leg should we use?

You think maybe if he'd built a model railroad track running all through his house in a long loop and set to on/off timers, and placed the prosthetic leg on a modified model train, maybe the GPS tracking device would have showed the movement, instead of being stationary for 72 hours?

Even that said, how the fuck do you not notice the prosthetic when putting the monitor on?

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[turtlespeed 220]

BillyVance

***This is an actual news story, but it certainly qualifies as a joke: http://www.fox4news.com/trending/164364754-story

We need to put this ankle GPS tracker on a guy with a prosthetic leg;
Which leg should we use?

You think maybe if he'd built a model railroad track running all through his house in a long loop and set to on/off timers, and placed the prosthetic leg on a modified model train, maybe the GPS tracking device would have showed the movement, instead of being stationary for 72 hours?

Even that said, how the fuck do you not notice the prosthetic when putting the monitor on?



Just duct tape it to the roomba.

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

[BillyVance 34]

turtlespeed

******This is an actual news story, but it certainly qualifies as a joke: http://www.fox4news.com/trending/164364754-story

We need to put this ankle GPS tracker on a guy with a prosthetic leg;
Which leg should we use?

You think maybe if he'd built a model railroad track running all through his house in a long loop and set to on/off timers, and placed the prosthetic leg on a modified model train, maybe the GPS tracking device would have showed the movement, instead of being stationary for 72 hours?

Even that said, how the fuck do you not notice the prosthetic when putting the monitor on?



Just duct tape it to the roomba.

Well that simplifies it. Much better.

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[councilman24 37]

turtlespeed

******This is an actual news story, but it certainly qualifies as a joke: http://www.fox4news.com/trending/164364754-story

We need to put this ankle GPS tracker on a guy with a prosthetic leg;
Which leg should we use?

You think maybe if he'd built a model railroad track running all through his house in a long loop and set to on/off timers, and placed the prosthetic leg on a modified model train, maybe the GPS tracking device would have showed the movement, instead of being stationary for 72 hours?

Even that said, how the fuck do you not notice the prosthetic when putting the monitor on?




Just duct tape it to the roomba.

The question is whar else have you duct taped to the rumba for that to come to mind? The cat? The chamberpot? The pony keg?.

I'm old for my age.
Terry Urban
D-8631
FAA DPRE