JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[JerryBaumchen 1,364]

Hi folks,

Yes, this is a joke and not any comment:

You may have heard about the Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home, the house also featured a secret escape tunnel.

By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds is considered "mentally unstable".

In Michigan, he'd be called "The last white guy still living in Detroit."

In Wisconsin, he’d be called “ALMOST ready for deer season".

In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector."

In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector."

In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.

In Kansas, he'd be "A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend."

In Montana, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'go-to' guy."

In Alabama, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."

In Georgia, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."

In North Carolina, Virginia, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky and South Carolina he would be called "a deer hunting buddy."

And in Texas he'd just be "Bubba, who's a little short on ammo."



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,364]

Hi folks,

This one is just a graphic; but oh so true, see the attachment.

Jerry Baumchen

[headoverheels 333]

Can't ever say the right thing.

[JerryBaumchen 1,364]

Hi folks,

The other day I asked this drop dead gorgeous girl at my gym what her New Years resolution was.

She said "F*** You."

So I'm pretty excited about 2017!



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,364]

Hi folks,

Decided to go by the old house I grew up in to see what it looked like. Knocked on the door and asked the elderly couple if I could come in.

They said no and slammed the door in my face, parents sure can be cruel sometime.



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,364]

Hi folks,

As a kid growing up my folks always told me, 'Never open the basement door.'

One day it was ajar, so I pushed it opened; wow, I saw cars, people, trees..............



Jerry Baumchen

[riggerrob 643]

The baby is a Little Bigger.

[JerryBaumchen 1,364]

Hi folks,

If a man states an opinion and and there is no woman to hear it, is he still wrong?



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,364]

Hi folks,

Five undeniable facts:

1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it.

2. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we don't seem to realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

4. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

5. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

AND - - - - A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,364]

Hi folks,

This might help the non-scientific among us:

Scientific Conversion Factors:

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in theTwilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling
8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale
University Hospital = 1 IV League
27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,364]

Hi folks,

Yesterday was not a good day for me.

First, my ex-wife got hit by a bus; then I lost my job as a bus driver.



Jerry Baumchen

[muff528 3]

number 14 should be 4 megacycles

[oldwomanc6 52]

muff528

number 14 should be 4 megacycles

Good point!

THE CANDY WITH THE HOLE IN IT.

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red....................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange ..............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!

lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

[irishrigger 32]

A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."

The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :- "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!

The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir "...

[JerryBaumchen 1,364]

Hi folks,

A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Chucks house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’

Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’

Chuck said, ‘OK, then, just bring me the dead horse.’

The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’

The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle off a dead horse!’

Chuck said, ‘Sure I can, just watch me. I won’t tell any body he’s dead.’

A month Later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with that dead horse?’

Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495.’

The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’

Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.’

Chuck now works as a financial consultant.



Jerry Baumchen

[akarunway 1]

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."
"That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your
fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started"

Read more: http://oatcakefanzine.proboards.com/thread/28537/sick-jokes-read-easily-offended#ixzz4WBI4TUq4

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

[JerryBaumchen 1,364]

Hi folks,

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values..

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,364]

Hi folks,

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the Divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,364]

Hi folks,

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah, until I married her I didn't believe in H***.'



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,364]

Hi folks,

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm OK. But I didn't like the four letter words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,364]

Hi folks,

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,364]

Hi folks,

OK, this one is a groaner.

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective..

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,364]

Hi folks,

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'



Jerry Baumchen

[muff528 3]

Stolen from FB:

You can't fight destiny! ...Well, you can but you'll probably have to fight the bouncer and the rest of the strippers.

[JerryBaumchen 1,364]

Hi folks,

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said , 'About 2 hours.'

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.'

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, 'Your house!'



Jerry Baumchen