JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[oldwomanc6 58]

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?

See post #120

lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

[SCS292 1]

Grandma and Grandpa were rocking on the front porch of the old homestead looking out a the pasture where the bull was servicing one cow after another. Grandma says "don't you wish you could still go at it like that?" Grandpa says "probably still could if I got to change cows every time."

[muff528 3]

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Kraft mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise and eagerly awaited its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

[BIGUN 1,344]

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If YouTube, Twitter & Facebook were to merge... would it be called YouTwitFace?

Copycat!

Sorry Billy... I go tit in an email and thought I was sharing the already shared.

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[popsjumper 2]

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Sorry Billy... I go tit in an email and thought I was sharing the already shared.

It would be good if you didn't share your tits.

My reality and yours are quite different.
I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
Falcon5232, SCS8170, SCSA353, POPS9398, DS239

[ryoder 1,590]

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Sorry Billy... I go tit in an email and thought I was sharing the already shared.

It would be good if you didn't share your tits.

I thought he meant he received mail containing tits.
That doesn't happen often enough for me.

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[popsjumper 2]

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I thought he meant he received mail containing tits.
That doesn't happen often enough for me.

You're just not logging on to the right porn sites.

My reality and yours are quite different.
I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
Falcon5232, SCS8170, SCSA353, POPS9398, DS239

[BIGUN 1,344]

Male Sensitivity

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together, it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both." The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand. "Yes?" said the instructor. "I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk."

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[funjumper101 15]

Here are a few -


Recently I have come to a conclusion about women. A man will never be able to fully satisfy a woman. As far as I know, no man on Earth has a penis made of chocolate that ejaculates money. Just my thought for the day.

****************************************************************************************
What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.."

He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, 'Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?'

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy..........

**************************************************************************************

Perfect girls getaway


Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip -
shopping, casinos, massages, facials..

Two days before the group is to leave, Mary's husband puts his foot
down and tells her she isn't going. Mary's friends are very upset that
she can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in
the bar drinking a glass of wine.

"Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into
letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night............. Yesterday evening I
was sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his
hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who'?" I pulled his hands off to
find all he was wearing was his birthday suit. He took my hand and
lead me to our bedroom. The room was scented with perfume, had two
dozen candles and rose petals all over............ On the bed, he had
handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the bed, so I
did. And then he said, "Now, you can do whatever you want.."

"So here I am."

[Deyan 36]

ken911

This is based on an actual radio conversation between a U.S. Navy
aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities
off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. (The radio
conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on
10/10/95 authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.)
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to
avoid collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the
North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES
NORTH--I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH--OR
COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ca0eO9Pjf8A

"My belief is that once the doctor whacks you on the butt, all guarantees are off" Jerry Baumchen

[BIGUN 1,344]

Two little boys are going to the hospital the next day for operations. Theirs will be first on the schedule. The older boy leans over and asks, "What are you having done?" The second boy says, "I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid. The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second boy then asks, "What are you going in for?" The first boy says, "Circumcision." "Whoa!" the smaller boy replies. "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[oldwomanc6 58]

lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

[popsjumper 2]

Justin Bleeberboober won a Billboard award.

My reality and yours are quite different.
I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
Falcon5232, SCS8170, SCSA353, POPS9398, DS239

[mistercwood 287]

popsjumper

Justin Bleeberboober won a Billboard award.

That's tragedy, not comedy...

You are playing chicken with a planet - you can't dodge and planets don't blink. Act accordingly.

[airtwardo 7]

During a history lesson , the fourth grade teacher was talking to the class about Custer's' battle at the Little Bighorn River.

She told about how Custer was surrounded and overwhelmed by the Indians and all were massacred. The assignment for the class was to put down on paper, either by words or pictures, what they imagined Custer may have thought or said about the situation.

After going through all the papers, she pull one out and called little Ralphie up before the class to explain his drawing. He had drawn the River and showed a big fish jumping up out of the water. It had a halo over it's head and on the banks of the river, all the Indians were having sex.

Quite puzzled the teacher told Ralphie to tell the class what his picture said. What was Custer thinking?

Yeah, He says, "Custer was probably thinking, holy Mackerel, look at all those fucking Indians!"

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[wmw999 2,482]

Quote

Yeah, He says, "Custer was probably thinking, holy Mackerel, look at all those fucking Indians!"

When I was a kid, it was a cow, and it was cotton pickin' Indians I guess times have changed

Wendy P.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[airtwardo 7]

wmw999

Quote

Yeah, He says, "Custer was probably thinking, holy Mackerel, look at all those fucking Indians!"

When I was a kid, it was a cow, and it was cotton pickin' Indians I guess times have changed

Wendy P.

Different massacre...

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[BIGUN 1,344]

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking Encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that She needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that His employer was going through a process of corporate Downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued By the bank which was worth over $2 million, And informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the Results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[rcs 1]

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus"

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in
the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You
have to take care of that problem."

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart
of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but,
your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few
more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

[BIGUN 1,344]

No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.

The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes a suggestion. "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man, and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help, and the wife is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi. "Okay," he says to the husband, "Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife, and you wave the towel over them."

Once again they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!"

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[turtlespeed 221]

BIGUN

A few skydivers decided to go to a boogie.

Now, nobody wanted to sleep in the same tent with Turtlespeed - he’s got a well known reputation for snoring and since it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time - so they voted to take turns.

Billy Vance is the first skydiver to bunk with Turtlespeed comes to manifest the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot, looking like he didn't get any sleep. They said, “Man, what happened to you?” He said, “Turtlespeed snores so loudly, I just sat up all night, couldn’t get any sleep - and I'm fookin deaf!”

The following night it was CSpenceFly's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all messed up, eyes blood-shot, etc. The people at manifest said, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!” He said, “Man, that Turtlespeed! Shakes the roof he’s so loud. He kept me up all night.”

The third night was AggieDave's turn. Now, AggieDave is built like a big burly ex-football player. Said he wasn’t gonna put up with any snoring… “We’ll see!” said the other skydivers. The next morning, AggieDave came to manifest bright eyed and bushy tailed. “Good morning, wonderful day outside isn’t it?” he said.

They couldn’t believe it! They said, “Man, what happened?” AggieDave said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went over and tucked Turtlespeed into his sleeping bag, then kissed him good night. Didn't snore a bit. He just sat up all night.

Holy crap! I forgot about this one.



And that was a VERY long night.

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

[melch 1]

Joke of the day: my bank account

[turtlespeed 221]

melch

Joke of the day: my bank account

. . . and a mirror.

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

[feuergnom 29]

An elephant asks a camel: " why are your boobies on your back ?"
"Well" says the camel, "I think it is a strange question from somebody who's willy is on his face"

The universal aptitude for ineptitude makes any human accomplishment an incredible miracle

dudeist skydiver # 666

[feuergnom 29]

a young mother enters a greyhound bus with her baby on the arm. bus driver says: Jeeezuz f****** christ - that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"
very upset she finds her place and tells the story to her neighbor. he says: you better go back to the driver. he definitly owes you an apology. Meanwhile I'll hold your monkey"


conversation in the morning after a one-night-stand
she: what are you doing for a living?
him: I am an anesthetist
she: thought so, didn't feel anything last night



A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa, Florida. "The
material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your
stomach lining."
"Chinese food is loaded with MSG," he continued. "High fat diets can be
disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the
germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most
dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell
me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years
after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row
raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."



edit 4 2nd & 3rd joke

The universal aptitude for ineptitude makes any human accomplishment an incredible miracle

dudeist skydiver # 666