JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[Chiquita 14]

A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!"

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."

The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am, replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."

[fog52 58]

Wish I could think so quickly. . . .

 A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their Seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and Asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer Complaints.

[irishrigger 32]

DEAR NEIGHBOUR: Hi, Max. This is Richard, next door. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. When you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently. I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you. Regards Richard Max

feeling enraged and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, and shoots Richard dead. He returned home, shoots his wife, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Max then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard.

SECOND TEXT MESSAGE: Hi, Max. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out and noticed that the darned Spell-Checker had changed "wi-fi" to "wife." Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.

[SethInMI 174]

Why did the chicken cross the road? (Middlebrow edition)

Plato:
 For the greater good.
Aristotle:
 It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
Karl Marx:
 It was a historical inevitability.
Machiavelli:
 So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has
 the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for
 whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian
 virtue?  In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.
Hippocrates:
 Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.
Jacques Derrida:
 Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of
 the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid
 as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is
 DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!
Thomas de Torquemada:
 Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary:
 Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
Douglas Adams:
 Forty-two.
Nietzsche:
 Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across
 you.
B.F. Skinner:
 Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from
 birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to
 cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free
 will.
Carl Jung:
 The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that
 individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and
 therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Jean-Paul Sartre:
 In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it
 necessary to cross the road.
Ludwig Wittgenstein:
 The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and
 "road," and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization
 of this potential occurrence.
Albert Einstein:
 Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken
 depends upon your frame of reference.
Buddha:
 If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
Salvador Dali:
 The Fish.
Darwin:
 It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Emily Dickinson:
 Because it could not stop for death.
Epicurus:
 For fun.
Ralph Waldo Emerson:
 It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Johann Friedrich von Goethe:
 The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Ernest Hemingway:
 To die. In the rain.
Werner Heisenberg:
 We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was
 moving very fast.
David Hume:
 Out of custom and habit.
Pyrrho the Skeptic:
 What road?
The Sphinx:
 You tell me.
Henry David Thoreau:
 To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.
Mark Twain:
 The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Dr. Seuss:
 Did the chicken cross the road?
 Did he cross it with a toad?
 Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
 but why it crossed, I've not been told!
Captain James T. Kirk:
 To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Freud:
 The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
 reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
Grandpa:
 In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told
 us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

[mr.paul 13]

One fine morning a family of moles was looking out their burrow. Daddy mole took a deep breath and said "I smell pancake syrup." Mama mole took a deep breath and said "I smell honey." Baby mole tried to poke his head out but couldn't because the bigger moles were in the way and said "All is can smell is molasses."

[SethInMI 174]

Three guys are on a boat with four cigarettes, but have nothing to light them with.  They threw one cigarette overboard and the boat became a cigarette lighter.

[fog52 58]

A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls. 

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife
poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year!"

They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said, "This bull mated 120 times last
year!" The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, "This bull mated 365 times last year!!"
The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this
one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow."

The husband is expected to recover 

[fog52 58]

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?

Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears,

but every once in awhile, you get lucky,

and get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

[fog52 58]

 A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
                                something
 exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to
 present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front
of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.
 Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.  "It's a period," said
                             the little boy.
   "Well, I can see that," she said,  "but what is so exciting about a
                                period?"
 "Damned if I know," said the little boy,  "but this morning my sister was
 missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next
                           door shot himself."

[fog52 58]

Today is my daughters 18th birthday.......
> > > > > >I'm so glad that this is my last ...-damn
> > child
> > > > > >support payment. Month after month, year
> > after
> > > > > >year, those ...-damn payments!
> > > > > >So I called my baby girl to come over to my
> > > > > >house, and when she got there, I said to her,
> > > > > >"Baby girl, I want you to take this last
> > check
> > > > > >over to your mother's house and tell her that
> > > > > >this is the last damn check she's ever going
> > to
> > > > > >get from me, and I want you to tell me the
> > > > > >expression on her face." So my baby girl took
> > the
> > > > > >check over to her. I was so anxious to hear
> > what
> > > > > >the witch had to say and what she looked
> > like. As
> > > > > >my baby girl walked though the door, I said,
> > "Now
> > > > > >what did she have to say?"
> > > > > >"She told me to tell you that you ain't my
> > > > > >daddy..."

[fog52 58]

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another 
>man on 
> 
>   > her nightstand by the bed. 
>   > He begins to worry. 
>   > "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. 
>   > "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. 
>   > "Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. 
>   > "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear. 
>   > "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be 
>reassured. 
>   > "No, no, no!!!" she answers. 
>   > "Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands. 
>   > "That's me before the surgery."

[fog52 58]

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas .. Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. 

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. 

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. 
He promptly called the local police station...... 

The conversation went like this: 
'Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?' 
'And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?' 

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, 'Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!' 

There was dead silence on the line for a long 
moment........................................... 

Father O'Malley then replied: 'Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.'

[fog52 58]

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome
things that money can buy."
Tom Clancy

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
--Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand."
--Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday
night."
--Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
--Lynn Lavner

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the
taxidermist."
--Matt Barry

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
--George Burns

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other  eight are
unimportant."
--George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole
relationships."
--Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading."
--Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
-Jack Nicholson

" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but
he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's 
genitals through his wallet."
--Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome,
but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
--Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say
that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
--Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem?"
--Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know
what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
--Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like
and just give her a house."
--Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough blood to run one at a time."
-Robin Williams

[fog52 58]

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party.
He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg
so he writes to a costume company to  explain his problem.
A few days later, he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
cover your bald head and, with your  wooden leg, you will be just right
as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his
wooden leg and so he writes a letter of  complaint. A week goes by and
he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden
leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the  part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his
wooden leg to emphasizing his bald  head so again he writes the company
another nasty letter of  complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and
a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag  of crushed nuts. Pour
the molasses over your bald head, pat on  crushed nuts, stick your wooden
leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

[SethInMI 174]

it takes me 5 minutes to walk from my house to the bar

it takes me 25 minutes to walk from the bar to my house

the difference is staggering

[fog52 58]

You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:

9.  You have to have another kid chew the candy for you. 

8.  You ask for high fiber candy only.

7.  When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your 
     Balance and fall over. 

6.  People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask," 
     And you're not wearing a mask.

5.  When the door opens you yell, "Trick      or ." 

And can't remember the rest.

4.  By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3.  You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece. 

2.  You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating...
*
*
* 
1.  You keep having to go home to pee.

[mr.paul 13]

If you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock.
That's humerus.

[fog52 58]

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting
for 
her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight 
machines that tell your fortune. So, she thought to herself "I'll give it a 
try just to see what it tells me." 

She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card
that 
said, "You're a nun you weigh 128 lb. and you are going to Chicago, 
Illinois." 

She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells 
everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. She went back to the 
machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun, you

weigh 128 lb., you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a

fiddle." 

The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a
musical 
instrument a day in my life," 

She sat down again. From no where, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle 
case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing

beautiful music.  Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, "This
is 
incredible. I've got to try it again," 

Back to the machine. She put her nickel in and another card came out. It 
said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you're going  to Chicago, Illinois 
and you're going to break wind. Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong; 
"I've never broken  wind in public a day in my life!

"Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind.  Stunned, she sat 
back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself,  "This is truly 
unbelievable! I've got to try it again." 

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It 
said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you have fiddled and farted around 
and missed your flight to Chicago.

[riggerrob 643]

I invented a new auto-homing golf ball. As long as you can putt the ball to within 4 inches of the hole, it will automatically drop in.

Note to self: don't carry it in your back pocket!

[SethInMI 174]

Q: What do you call a hippie's wife?
A: Mississippi

[BIGUN 1,374]

On 12/5/2019 at 9:53 AM, SethInMI said:

sippi

A guy is walking past an insane asylum when he hears the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" Curious, he finds a hole in the wall and looks in. Immediately he's poked in the eye, then everyone inside starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!" 

_______________________________

Three men wait at the gates of heaven on Christmas Eve. They're told they have to present a Christmas gift to get in. The first man checks his pockets and finds pine needles from his family's tree. He's allowed in. The second hands over a bow and some ribbon. He's allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of panties. "How do those represent Christmas?" St. Peter asks him. "Oh," the man replies, "they're Carol's."

_______________________________

A man thinks he is a dog, so he goes to see a psychiatrist. "It's terrible," says the man. "I walk around on all fours, I keep barking in the middle of the night, and I can't go past a lamppost anymore." "Okay," says the psychiatrist. "Get on the couch." The man replies, "I'm not allowed on the couch."

_______________________________

What did the elephant say to the naked guy? "Fine, but can it pick up peanuts?"

_______________________________

A woman asked her grandmother how her grandfather had died. "He had a heart attack while we were making love one Sunday morning," Granny said. Horrified, the granddaughter told her that two people that old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh, no," said Granny. "Many years ago we realized that ringing church bells provided the perfect rhythm: in on the ding and out on the dong." She paused, wiped away a tear, and continued, "But then the ice-cream truck came along."

_______________________________

"Two drivers climb out of their cars after colliding at an intersection. One pulls a flask from his pocket and says, "Here, have a nip of whiskey to calm your nerves." "Thanks," says the other driver, taking a swig. "Here, you have one, too." "Nah, I'd rather not — the police will be here soon."

_______________________________

 

[turtlespeed 226]

How many animals can you get into a pair of pantyhose?

 

2 Calves

1 Beaver

A bunch of Hares

One Camel Toe

and a fish that no one can find.

 

<Runs away>

 

 

[SethInMI 174]

favorite jokes of my nephews heard over xmas:

Q. What does a sea monster eat?
A. fish and ships

Q. why was the dragon not a good boss?
A. he kept firing people

 

 

[riggerrob 643]

This morning, as I put on my shirt, a button fell off.

When I picked up my brief-case, the handle fell off.

When I tried to turn the door handle, it fell off.

Now I am afraid to pee!

[normiss 840]

My husband has recently discovered that he's a coffee snob.

Husband: I think I'd like a grinder.

12yo: Download it from the app store

Me:

Husband:

12yo: