turtlespeed 220 #2051 June 17, 2020 20 hours ago, BIGUN said: That would explain a lot. My father's favorite vice was Nutella. He called me shithead. Pronounced Shi-Thead? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SethInMI 174 #2052 June 26, 2020 Q. do you know what the best thing about being from Switzerland is? A. i'm not sure, but i know the flag is a big plus Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
turtlespeed 220 #2053 June 26, 2020 I ran across this one - and it made me remember the second one - 1) What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick! 2) What is Brown and Sticky? - A stick! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
fog52 58 #2054 July 16, 2020 >When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee." I said, "Well then, why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon. I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." I said again, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!" 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
fog52 58 #2055 July 17, 2020 > ONLY AT WAL-MART > > If it isn't the lawyers trying to put Doctor's out > of business, it's > > Wal-Mart!! > > > > One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe > says to Mike behind > him, > > "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a > doctor." > > > > "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of > money," Mike replies. > > There's a diagnostic computer down at Walmart. > Just give it a urine > > sample and the computer will tell you what's > wrong and what to do > about > > it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a > lot cheaper than a > > doctor." > > > > So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and > takes it to > Wal-Mart. > > He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights > up and asks for the > > urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot > and waits. Ten > seconds > > later, the computer ejects a printout: > > > > "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm > water and avoid heavy > > activity. It will improve in two weeks." Thank > you for shopping at > > Walmart. > > > > That evening while thinking how amazing this new > technology was, Joe > > began wondering if the computer could be fooled. > He mixed some tap > > water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples > from his wife and > > daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe > hurries back to > > Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits > ten dollars, pours > in > > his concoction, and awaits the results. > > > > The computer prints the following: > > > > 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water > softener.(Aisle 9) > > 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with > anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle > 7) > > 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into > rehab. > > 4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't > yours. Get a lawyer. > (Kiosk > > #2) > > 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your > elbow will never get > > better. > > > > Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
fog52 58 #2056 July 17, 2020 Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out.... Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!" Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse." Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it." So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yellsback, Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! " Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!" Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!" Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix." So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, >"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!" Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!" Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!" To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
fog52 58 #2057 July 21, 2020 There was a man who really took care of his body. He > lifted > > >> weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he > looked > > >> into the mirror admiring his body and noticed that he > was > > >> suntanned all over, with the exception of his penis. So > he > > >> decided to do something about that. He went to the > beach, > > >> completely undressed himself, and buried himself in the > sand, > > >> except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the > sand. > > >> > > >> A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along > the > > >> beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon > seeing the > > >> thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane > began to > > >> move the penis around with the cane. Remarking to the > other > > >> little old lady, she said, "There really is no justice > in the > > >> world." > > >> > > >> The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by > that?" > > >> > > >> The first little old lady replied, "Look at that-when I > was 20, > > >> I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. > When I was > > >> 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When > I was 60, > > >> I prayed for it. And when I got to be 70, I forgot > about it. Now > > >> that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild, and > I'm too > > >> old to squat." 2 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
riggerrob 643 #2058 July 23, 2020 My ex-wife asked why I tried to drive my car over her. I replied that I doubted if I had enough gas to drive around! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
fog52 58 #2059 July 24, 2020 A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot." "Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird." "Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it ! because of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion." The guy looks at the $20000 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that." "Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!" The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him ! over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman." "What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie." "WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?" "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot. "NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?" "Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie! , got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...." Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?" "Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
fog52 58 #2060 July 27, 2020 PEACH FARMER > > The old farmer was having a pretty bad year. All of his crops > had been lost. > > Fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well. The only > way he was going to make it financially was to cut out the > middleman and sell the peaches directly to the consumer. So > he loaded his pickup with peaches and headed to town. > > Just on the outskirts of town he came to a house. So he took > a basket of peaches and went up and knocked on the door. > > A gorgeous blond in a sheer robe answered the door. In a sexy > voice she said, "Hi, Honey, what can I do for you?" > > Quite shaken, the old farmer muttered, "I have these here really > nice peaches for sale". > > The blond, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit. > So she opened the top of her robe showing her breasts. She > said, "Are those peaches full and firm like these?" > > Very shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really > good peaches." > > So she opened the rest of her robe, showing she had on no > panties. She teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious > like this?" > > The old farmer mumbled, and then broke down crying, and said, > "Oh yes, they're wonderful peaches." > > She said, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?" > > The old farmer whimpered "Lady, the cut worms ruined my > tomato crop and the weevils ate all my cotton and now I think > you're gonna screw me out of my peaches." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
turtlespeed 220 #2061 July 28, 2020 What's the word of the day? LEGS!! Spread the word! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
oldwomanc6 52 #2062 August 2, 2020 One day a lady walks into a very high-class jewelry shop. She browses around for a bit before she spots a gorgeous diamond bracelet, which she goes over to inspect. As she bends over to look at it more closely, she accidentally breaks wind. She’s very embarrassed and looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident, praying that a sales person doesn’t appear right now. But when she turns around, her worst nightmare is realized as she sees a salesman standing right behind her. The salesman stays as cool as a cucumber and shows complete professionalism as he greets the lady by saying, “Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?” The lady, a little more confident now that she’s gotten away with her little accident, asks, “How much is this lovely bracelet?” The salesman replies, “Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you’re going to crap yourself when I tell you the price.” 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
fog52 58 #2063 August 3, 2020 FEMALE PRAYER > Before I lay me down to sleep, > I pray for a man, who's not a creep, > One who's handsome, smart and strong > One who loves to listen long, > One who thinks before he speaks, > One who'll call, not wait for weeks. > I pray he's gainfully employed, > When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. > Pulls out my chair and opens my door, > Massages my back and begs to do more. > Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, > Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?" > I pray that this man will love me to no end, > And always be my very best friend. > > Amen. > > > MALE PRAYER > > > I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs > who owns a liquor store and a bass boat. > This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh!t > > Amen. 2 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bigfalls 111 #2064 August 3, 2020 3 hours ago, fog52 said: FEMALE PRAYER > Before I lay me down to sleep, > I pray for a man, who's not a creep, > One who's handsome, smart and strong > One who loves to listen long, > One who thinks before he speaks, > One who'll call, not wait for weeks. > I pray he's gainfully employed, > When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. > Pulls out my chair and opens my door, > Massages my back and begs to do more. > Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, > Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?" > I pray that this man will love me to no end, > And always be my very best friend. > > Amen. > > > MALE PRAYER > > > I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs > who owns a liquor store and a bass boat. > This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh!t > > Amen. Car Prayer Now I lay me down to sleep with my jeep parked down the street and if it rolls before I wake please dear god put on the brake 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Baksteen 84 #2065 August 3, 2020 Q: How many monks does it take to change a light bulb? A: Nun. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
turtlespeed 220 #2066 August 3, 2020 Easy way to save money this Xmas - Tell your kids that Santa didn't make it through the Pandemic. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Divalent 135 #2067 October 5, 2020 Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my… umm… member into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh - she got fired too." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
oldwomanc6 52 #2068 October 5, 2020 lol Didn't see that coming. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SethInMI 174 #2069 October 5, 2020 15 hours ago, oldwomanc6 said: Didn't see that coming. did you see either of them coming? (probably not if they got found...) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SethInMI 174 #2070 October 7, 2020 i ate a clock yesterday. it was very time consuming. 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SethInMI 174 #2072 October 21, 2020 Carpenter ants are just like other ants except that rainy days and Mondays always get them down. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
irishrigger 32 #2073 October 22, 2020 A good Catholic Joke The Pope and Trump are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd. the Pope leans towards trump and says " do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with Joy? This Joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they will forever speak of this day and Rejoice!!! Trump replied "i seriously doubt that! with one little wave of your hand?.... show me!" so the Pope backhanded him in the face and knocked him of the stage! and the crown Roared and cheered wildly and there was happiness through the land 2 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
wolfriverjoe 1,523 #2075 October 24, 2020 On a slightly more serious note, my little dog (still my avatar, despite being dead since 2012) used to sniff around forever when we were out for walks. I taught him to understand the command 'pee on it and let's go'. He would obey it. 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites