JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[SethInMI 174]

[Faicon9493 141]

A woman was mad at her husband because he was late coming home again. She decided to leave a note on the dresser in the bedroom that said, "I've had enough. I'm leaving your ass. Don't bother coming after me." When she heard his car pull in the driveway, she hid under the bed to see his reaction. She heard him go to the kitchen first, then, he came in the bedroom. She saw him pick up the note and read it. After a few minutes she sees him write something on the note. Then, he picked up his phone and called someone. He said, "Hey baby, she's finally gone. It's about time. Put on the cute dress I like and I'll be right over. I love you so much."  He grabbed his keys and left. She came out from under the bed very hurt and filled with rage. She walked over to the dresser and picked up the note to see what he wrote. The note said, "I can see your feet. We're out of bread and I'm going to the store. I'll be back in ten minutes."

[Divalent 139]

I was playing chess with my friend, and he said, 'Let's make this more interesting.'

So we stopped playing chess.

[Divalent 139]

Looking down the stairs at a football game, a fan spots an open seat on the 50-yard line. He asks the man sitting next to it if the seat is taken.      

"No," he replies. "I used to take my wife to all the games, 30+ years of seasons tickets, but she passed away, so her seat is now empty."

"Why don’t you invite a friend?"

"I can’t. They’re all at the funeral."

[Bigfalls 111]

A wife asks her husband, "If I died would you get remarried"

The husband says, "Well I guess possibly"

The wife asks, "Would you let her drive my new car"

The husband responds, "It is new and nice and would hate to let it go to waste"

The wife asks, "Would you let her cook in my new kitchen"

The husband replies, "We just remodeled it and would be a shame not to use it"

The wife asks, " Would you let her use my new golf clubs"

The husband replies, " Absolutely not, she's left handed"

[SethInMI 174]

fb throws weird shit at me all the time. normally it is mildly annoying, but occasionally it comes up with some good stuff though. I thought this was dark but quite funny.

 

[Faicon9493 141]

An engineer died and found himself standing before Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. After looking through the Great Book, Saint Peter said, "I don't see your name. You can't enter." The engineer said, "I lived a good life. It must be a mistake. Please look again." After checking a second time, Saint Peter said, " Your name's not here. You have to go to the other place. A month later, God called Satan and asked, "How's everything going down there?" Satan said, "Everything's great! That engineer you sent down here a month ago is fantastic! The smoke is gone, we have escalators all over the place, and in two weeks, we're going to have air conditioning!" God said, "You weren't supposed to be getting an engineer. It has to be a mistake! Send him back right now!" Satan said, "No way!" God said, "If you don't send him back right now, I'll sue you!" Satan then said, "And where do you think you'll find a lawyer?"

[JerryBaumchen 1,421]

Hi folks,

I just noticed a change here.  If one does a LIKE, then they cannot open the QUOTE thingy to reply.

Jerry Baumchen

ETA:  Oops, in the wrong thread.

 

 

Edited December 9, 2023 by JerryBaumchen

[Faicon9493 141]

One day, Donald Trump suddenly died. After dying, Donald found himself standing at the gates of Hell. Satan walks up to him and says, "Hello Donald Trump! Welcome to Hell! I have watched you for your entire life and looked forward to having you here for a long time! Unfortunately, there's a little complication right now. it's so crowded down here, I can't really accommodate you unless you take someone else's place. To make up for the inconvenience, I will give you three options to choose from."

Satan takes Donald Trump to a door. Donald opens it and looks inside. He sees Richard Nixon standing on a diving board. Nixon dives into a swimming pool, gets out, gets back on the diving board, and dives in again. Donald Trump says, "If I pick that, I have to do that for eternity?" Satan said, "Yes." Trump said, "I don't think so." Satan takes Donald to another door. He looks inside and sees George Bush sitting on the floor with a hammer and he's breaking rocks. As soon as he breaks a rock, another rock instantly appears. Donald says, "If I pick that, that's what I have to do for eternity?" Satan says, "Yes." Donald says, "No, that's not what I want."

Satan takes Donald Trump to the third door. Donald opens the door and looks inside. He sees Bill Clinton lying face up on a bed and he's naked. His arms and legs are tied down so he can't move. Monica Lewinsky is also in the room and she's doing what Monica Lewinsky became famous for doing. Donald grins from ear to ear and screams, "That's what I want! That's what I want!" Satan looks at Donald and says, "Are you sure?" Donald says, "YES! YES!" Satan says, "Ok, Donald. Your choice is granted." Then, Satan turns around and says, "Hey Monica! You're free to go!"

[Divalent 139]

A man is on his deathbed. He has three friends who come and visit him, being a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer. He tells them, “I know you can’t take it with you. But I want to try. I’m giving you each $10,000 cash. When you come up to my coffin to pay your respects I want you to take the $10,000 and shove it in the coffin with me.“

The man passes and the three men pay their respects. Afterwards, they are all talking. The doctor says “I know it’s medically impossible, but I have to admit I put $9000 in the coffin and kept $1000 for myself.”

The engineer then chimes in. “I did all the calculations and realize it’s impossible also. But I have to admit I put $5000 in and left $5000 for myself.”

The lawyer looks at them both with disgust. “I’m disappointed in both of you. This was his last wish and neither of you held up your end. I wrote him a check for the entire amount.“

[Divalent 139]

A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

[Divalent 139]

A lady at a retirement home sees a fellow retiree sitting outside all by his lonesome. She joins him and asks, "May I sit next to you?" He replies, "Only if you hold my dick."

The woman is shocked and appalled but then thinks about how lonely she is, and slowly comes to term with the act and decides to acquiesce. She sits next to him, holds his penis, and puts a blanket on their laps to hide the deed.

She enjoys this arrangement and its goes on for a week. On the weekend, her daughter comes and takes her away for a day or so on a recreational excursion.

When the woman returns back she sees another woman sitting next to the man with the blanket on their laps. Knowing what they are doing she yells, "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!? WHAT DOES SHE HAVE THAT I DON'T HAVE?!?"

The man smiles and replies, "Parkinson's"
 

[Divalent 139]

Q: How do you get 200 Canadians out of a pool?

A: Say "Please get out of the pool."
 

[Divalent 139]

A woman and her husband are in the emergency room and the woman is giving birth.

As soon as the baby comes out the doctor grabs it and starts flailing it around beating it on the table and walls.

10 seconds later, as couple is freaking out, he stops and says "Haha, Just kidding. It was already dead."
 

[obelixtim 150]

A guy comes round after been under anesthetic for a major operation and sees the surgeon sitting beside his bed.

Surgeon: "Ah you've finally woken up, I have good news and bad news, which would you like to hear first?"

Patient: "Whats the bad news?"

S: " There was a mix up, and we made a mistake, and, unfortunately amputated the wrong leg"

P: "Well, whats the good news?"

S: "Your other leg is going to get better".

[obelixtim 150]

Another good news bad news one.

Ancient Roman galley with the slaves hard at work on the oars.

The Whip Man makes an announcement: " I have good news and bad news, what do you want first?"

Slaves: "The good news".

 

WM: "Today, for the first time, you will be getting lunch, a whole crust of bread".

 

S: "Whats the bad news?"

 

WM: "After lunch, the Captain wants to go water skiing".

 

[Divalent 139]

A baby seal walks into a club ...

[Faicon9493 141]

A man living in California is unemployed so he goes down to the local Job Center. He sees an ad for a Gynecologist's Assistant. He asks the clerk for details about the job. The clerk pulls the file and says, "The job entails getting the women ready for the gynecological consult. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down, and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the examination. There's an annual salary of $75,000 but you're going to have to go to Chicago."

The man said, "Oh. That's where the job is?" The clerk said, "No. That's where the end of the line is right now."

[obelixtim 150]

A long term unemployed guy walks into the employment office, as he's required to do, to look for a job. 

The Clerk: "OK, I have a vacancy for a truck driver".

UG: "I can't do that, I get scared by the traffic".

TC: Well, there's a job with a construction firm available".

UG: "Can't do that, I have a bad back".

TC: "How about a job in retail". 

UG: "I don't get on with people, can't do that".

TC: "How about a job involving sex and travel?" 

UG: " That sounds good, I'd like to do that".

TC: "OK, Fuck off".

[Divalent 139]

I met a much older woman in a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+ year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?

"What's that?" I asked.

"It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said.

As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, "No, I haven't."

We drank a bit more, staring at each other, and then she said with a wink, "well tonight's your lucky night".

We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mom...you still awake?"
 

[lippy 918]

On 8/24/2024 at 2:12 PM, Divalent said:

A woman and her husband are in the emergency room and the woman is giving birth.

As soon as the baby comes out the doctor grabs it and starts flailing it around beating it on the table and walls.

10 seconds later, as couple is freaking out, he stops and says "Haha, Just kidding. It was already dead."
 

Thank You! My spit-take on reading that cemented both of my long-term theories:

- It's a damn good thing I never had kids.

- I am, in fact, going straight to hell.

[Divalent 139]

My grandfather said my generation relies too much on technology.

So I unplugged his life support machine.

[normiss 841]

Asian couple going at it in the middle of the night.

Husband says "I wanna sixty nine!

Wife says "Why you want a beef and brocorri NOW?"

[Divalent 139]

Putin arrives in Mongolia and goes through customs

Customs: Name?

Putin: Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin

Customs: Occupation?

Putin: Not right now, maybe later.

[obelixtim 150]

When I die, I'd like to go like Granddad, peacefully in my sleep.

 

Unlike his passengers, screaming in the back seat....