JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[obelixtim 150]

A guy goes into a bar in London, and approaches two enormously large ladies, and says: "Excuse me, are you two ladies from Scotland?"

"Wales, Wales", they screeched.

"Oh, I'm sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

Then everything went black....

  

[Divalent 139]

A man and his trainer are preparing for a Championship Wrestling Match. The trainer tells the man, "You're lean, you're strong, and you're skilled. If you give him all you've got, you can win this. But beware; whatever you do, don't let him get you in the twisted pretzel hold. No one has ever gotten out of the twisted pretzel hold."

The competition begins, and wouldn't you know it: just ten seconds into the match and the man is locked up in a twisted pretzel hold. The trainer, livid, turns and slowly heads for the locker room. When the bell rings about 10 seconds later, the trainer glances over his shoulder, and to his surprise, the referee is holding his fighter's hand in the air.

Shocked, the trainer runs back into the ring and says, " What happened? He had you in the twisted pretzel hold, no one has ever gotten out of the twisted pretzel hold."

The man replies, "Well, he had me all twisted up in that hold. I thought I was done for. I couldn't move my legs, I couldn't move my arms. I couldn't move my body at all. But just as I was about to give up all hope, I looked up and saw a big pair of balls in my face. I opened my mouth and bit as hard as I could. Two seconds later I had him pinned.

And let me tell you, you cannot not believe how much strength you have within you until you bite yourself in the nuts."

[Divalent 139]

I took your mother to the cinema last night and apparently the sex was too graphic.

Everyone asked us to stop.

[Divalent 139]

"Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church.

But it's a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

 

[wolfriverjoe 1,523]

 

11 hours ago, Divalent said:

"Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church.

But it's a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

 

Just for the record, you are a REALLY sick puppy (not just the above joke, but most of the recent ones).

That's a compliment, not a PA.

[SethInMI 174]

5 hours ago, wolfriverjoe said:

Just for the record

Just for the record, the baby one I couldn't do.  The odd thing is 20 years ago I would have at least got a snort out of it, but didn't work this time. I was like, hmm, why not? It's not like I was disgusted or horrified, just didn't laugh.

[obelixtim 150]

Superman and Batman are at the pub, and are taking bets against each other, pool, darts, cards, horse racing, chugging beer etc etc etc....and finally, they run out of things to bet on, and are about even on win/loss ratio.

To break the deadlock, Superman says: "I bet you a beer I can fly around the world in less than a minute".

Batman: "You're on".

So they go into the carpark, and Batman gives him the countdown: " Ready, set, Go!!!"

And in the blink of an eye, Superman is gone. 

Batman waits with his batwatch...."10 seconds....20..... 30..... 40...... 50........60....". No Superman.

At 1 minute 10 seconds, Superman, arrives. 

Batman: " I win, you owe me a beer, but what kept you?"

Superman: "Well,I was doing fine, way ahead of schedule, and, passing over Hawaii, I see with my telescopic vision, lying on the beach, sunbathing, Wonder woman, completely naked with her legs apart. 

 I've always fancied Wonder Woman, so ahead of schedule, I thought I'd swoop down and give her a quickie"

 "Jeez Superman, I bet she was surprised".

 "Yeah she was, but not half as surprised as the Invisible Man..."  

Edited September 18, 2024 by obelixtim

[Divalent 139]

A 60 year old man goes for his annual checkup. After receiving a clean bill of health, he asks the doc if he's going to live to be 100.

Doc asks him a few questions:

"Do you smoke cigars?" "Nope" replies the man.

"Do you drink?" "Nope" Replies the man a second time.

"Do you use psychedelic drugs and eat rich foods?" "Nope" says the man.

"Do you skydive or engage in other adrenaline sports?" "Nope" say the man.

"Do you drive fast cars and have sex with loose women?" "Nope and nope" says the man.

Doc replies "Then why the fuck do you want to live to be 100?"
 

[Divalent 139]

The day after his wife vanished in a kayaking accident, a man from Anchorage, opened his door to find two serious-looking Alaska State Troopers standing before him.

"Mr. Wilkens, we regret to inform you that we have news regarding your wife," one trooper began.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens blurted out, anxiously.

The troopers exchanged glances. One spoke, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some fantastic news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Bracing himself, a pale Mr. Wilkens responded, "Give me the bad news."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry, sir, but we recovered your wife's body in Kachemak Bay this morning."

"Oh no!" gasped Wilkens.

After a moment, he gathered himself and asked, "So, what's the good news?"

The trooper explained, "Well, when we brought her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and six large Dungeness crabs attached to her. We're confident you’re entitled to a share of the catch."

Stunned, Wilkens asked, "If that's the good news, then what's the fantastic news?"

The trooper replied, "We're pulling her up again tomorrow."

 

[Divalent 139]

An old couple are sitting in church when the old woman turns to her husband and whispers "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?"

The Husband says "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
 

[SethInMI 174]

classic Pearls before Swine.

[Divalent 139]

A 60 year old multi-millionaire got married to a 20 year old model.

When his friends asked him how he did it, he said: "I lied about my age."

They then asked: "Ah, so you said you were 40?"

He answered: "No I said I was 90."

 

[Divalent 139]

I'm absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class last night.

I've never run so far in all my life!

 

[johnhking1 97]

A prostitute went to the hospital for an appendectomy.  The doctor made a mistake and sewed up the wrong hole.

Now she does a little business on the side.

[Divalent 139]

I was arguing with my wife, and she bragged that women are better at multitasking.

I asked her to sit down and shut up, but she couldn’t do either!

[Divalent 139]

I was sitting on the sofa last night watching TV, when my wife from the bedroom yelled, "Do you ever get pains on the chest like someone's got a voodoo doll and they're stabbing it?"

I replied, "No."

Then she asked, "How about now?

[Divalent 139]

The fact that there is a Stairway to Heaven and a Highway to Hell...

... tells you all you need to know about the anticipated traffic volume.

[Divalent 139]

My wife told me that she wants to donate some of her clothes to the hungry.

I said whoever can fit her clothes definitely isn’t hungry.

Anyway, they say the swelling will go down in a couple of days.

[Divalent 139]

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerk called 911 when she saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. 
She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. 

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
 

[JerryBaumchen 1,421]

Old couple had been married for 65 years and he was on his death bed.

He tells the wife the combination to a safe that he had always told her to never look in.

 Inside the safe was $40,000 and three eggs.  This of course puzzled her.

 She asked him what the three eggs & the $40,000 meant.

He said, ‘Every time I was unfaithful to you I put an egg in the safe.’

 She was not happy but said, 'I guess that’s not too bad for 35 years.'

 He continued, 'Every time I got a dozen eggs I sold them.  That’s where the $40,000 came from.’

Jerry Baumchen

[normiss 841]

Husband comes home and finds his wife packing her suitcase.

Where are you going? he asks.

I'm going to Vegas! I found out I can make $500 a night doing what I do for you for free!

Husband starts packing his suitcase too.

Where are you going? wife asks.

I'm going to Vegas, I want to see how the hell you can live on $500 a year.

[JerryBaumchen 1,421]

5 hours ago, normiss said:

Husband comes home and finds his wife packing her suitcase.

Where are you going? he asks.

I'm going to Vegas! I found out I can make $500 a night doing what I do for you for free!

Husband starts packing his suitcase too.

Where are you going? wife asks.

I'm going to Vegas, I want to see how the hell you can live on $500 a year.

Hi Mark,

Hope things are getting better in your part of the world.

Us 'older folks' are like wagon wheels:  We've been thru it more than once and sometimes it wasn't so nice.

Jerry Baumchen

[Divalent 139]

A lot of European family names were adopted from professions or actions that an ancestor was known for.

Like Smith (works with metal, such as blacksmiths) or Fletcher (an arrow maker) or Thatcher (one who thatched roofs).

The Dickinson’s must have an awkward family history.

[Divalent 139]

A husband and wife get into a huge argument.

They are calling each other names, swearing, and throwing things at each.

Finally the wife grabs a suitcase and throws a bunch of the husband's clothes into it and says, "that's it, I've had enough of you! Take this suitcase and GET THE HELL OUT!"

As he's leaving, she hisses at him, "I want you to be miserable for every minute of the rest of your life!"

The husband pauses, looks back at his wife with a confused look on his face and says "so you want me to stay now?"
 

[Divalent 139]

Father: "Son, your mother and I have some news for you. You are adopted."

Son: "I knew it! So who are my real parents?"

Father: "We are. Your new parents are coming by in 30 minutes to pick you up, so get packing"