JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[turtlespeed 226]

11 hours ago, Divalent said:

I only have two requests for when I die:

1) I want my remains scattered around Disneyland, and

2) I don't want to be cremated.

It is interesting how different nations have their dogs make different sounds.

An American dog goes Woof, a Czech dog goes Haf, a Dutch dog goes Blaf and a Chinese dog goes Sizzle.

[Divalent 139]

I brought my girlfriend to the family Christmas dinner.

My wife and kids weren't terribly happy about it.

[turtlespeed 226]

On 12/25/2024 at 3:22 PM, Divalent said:

I brought my girlfriend to the family Christmas dinner.

My wife and kids weren't terribly happy about it.

Hmmm - I don't understand why.

 

[Divalent 139]

I asked my mom if I was adopted.

She said, "Of course not!   Why would we choose YOU?"

[turtlespeed 226]

On 12/28/2024 at 7:52 AM, Divalent said:

I asked my mom if I was adopted.

She said, "Of course not!   Why would we choose YOU?"

My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

[Divalent 139]

A handsome man in a suit approached a young woman at a bar and asked if he could buy her a drink.

“Don’t you have a girlfriend?" she asked. "Guys like you always have girlfriends.”

He looked downcast, "No, we broke up just over a month ago."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said. “OK then, I'll have a white wine please."

One glass of wine led to a second. A few drinks later after a kiss & a cuddle they headed off back to her place for some wild uninhibited sex.

While he was getting dressed, she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed. Can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"

“My wife found out,” he answered.

[Divalent 139]

The CEO of IKEA was just elected Prime Minister in Sweden...

He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.

[Divalent 139]

my neighbor with the big boobs is mowing the lawn naked again.

I wish his wife would do the same sometimes

[Divalent 139]

Studies have shown that women who gain seven or more pounds over the holidays have a longer life expectancy…

 

…than the men who point it out.

[Divalent 139]

A man died and went to Heaven. St Peter says to him “Before you meet with God, I should tell you ,we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a little old lady who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this lady or they would have to deal with me!”

“Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?”

“About three minutes ago,” came the reply.

[Divalent 139]

A deaf man and deaf woman were just married. On morning after their honeymoon, they were having a sign-language discussion about sex. Specifically, how to make their wishes known with the lights out.

The wife began by signing: "When you want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my breast once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze it twice."

The husband replied: "Great. So when you want to have sex, reach over and stroke my penis once. When you don't want to have sex, stroke it a hundred times."

[Divalent 139]

I thought that my wife would feel flattered when I told her that I’d only had sex with 3 women in my life.

Maybe I shouldn't have told her that she was the 2nd.

[Divalent 139]

What's better than someone putting roses on your piano?

Someone putting tulips on your organ.

[Divalent 139]

I’m never donating blood again; it’s all an endless series of questions whenever I do.

Like...

- Where did you get it from?

- Why are you carrying it in a bucket?

[Divalent 139]

If I had a nickel for every woman who found me unattractive...

 

 

... then women would find me attractive.

Edited January 25 by Divalent

[Divalent 139]

A man just married his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married, I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, and fishing. Maybe you should get rid of your guns and boat."

The man immediate got this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

”For a minute there you sounded like my ex-wife.”

"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before".

”I wasn't"

[Divalent 139]

A man enters a drug store.

Man: "Excuse me, do you have any Viagra for women?"

Pharmacist: "The jewelry store is across the street."

[Divalent 139]

I started taking these pills I bought online that are supposed to make you live forever.

So far, so good.

[Divalent 139]

A recent study showed that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are cheating.

Now I've just got to figure out if it's my girlfriend or my wife.

[Divalent 139]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me." she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right once I get to hospital." the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands between his legs. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered the most tender and artful massage for several long minutes until he exploded in his pants. She smiled shyly and asked, "How does that feel?". "Feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!"

[Divalent 139]

One day, after a decade of practicing medicine, a gynecologist decided he was bored with his job and wanted a change. He realized that he had spent many years working with his hands, and so he decided he would switch to a career that would also require the use of his hands. Not wanting the stress of being a medical professional, he decided to attend vocational school to learn to be an automotive mechanic.

He worked really hard and studied day and night. But when the results of his final exam came in, he was quite perplexed: he got a 150% on the test. The doctor figured this had to be a mistake so he called his instructor at the vocational school.

Doc: "there must be some mistake. It says I got a 150% on the final exam. Could you explain why my score was so high?"

Instructor: "well, for the first part of the test you disassembled the car's engine perfectly. That counts for 50 points on your test."

"You then reassembled the engine perfectly. That got you another 50 points."

"But the last 50 points are bonus points, because none of us instructors have ever seen anyone do all of that by working exclusively through the exhaust pipe."
 

[Divalent 139]

A very sad situation in my family: my grandfather is addicted to viagra.

No one is taking it harder than my grandma!
 

[Divalent 139]

Today I overheard my son talk back to my wife. She told him to do something and he told her, "No."

So I had to pull him aside to talk to him and said,

"Son, can you teach me how to do that?"

[Divalent 139]

A papa mole was leading his wife and their two baby moles through their tunnel beneath a grocery store. At one point, the papa mole stopped, sniffed, and said, “Oooh, we’re underneath the sugar now.”

A short stretch later he stopped, sniffed, and said, “Oooh, we’re underneath the honey now.”

A bit further and papa mole stopped yet again, sniffed, and said, “Oooh, we’re underneath the maple syrup now.”

After the moles got home, the two baby moles asked their mamma whether she was able to smell the sugar, honey, and maple syrup. She said, “Not as well as your papa, but yes. Couldn’t you two smell them?”

The baby moles looked at each other and one spoke up, “To be honest, all we could smell was molasses.”

[Divalent 139]

A doctor just finished up performing a physical on a patient.

Doctor: "Your biggest problem under your control is that you are obese"

The patient got defensive, and said to him:
"Look, my sister is obese. My brother is obese. My mother is obese. My father is obese. My kids are obese. My grandparents are all obese. Obesity runs in my family!"

 

Doctor, "It sounds like nobody runs in your family."