JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[Divalent 139]

I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.

Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.

[Divalent 139]

A kid: "Mom, was I adopted?"

Mom: "Yes, but it didn’t work out, so they made us take you back"

[Divalent 139]

Doctor: "Mr Smith, I’ve got your results, and we need to talk about them. But before we start, you should know ..."

Mr Smith: "Doc, can you get to the point? I don’t have all day."

Doctor: "Oh, so apparently someone already told you!"

 

[Divalent 139]

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are a buck and a half,

Deer nuts are under a buck.

[BIGUN 1,365]

I stand for women's rights; especially the right to remain silent.

[use with caution]

[wmw999 2,507]

I was going to say you should be proud of what you started with this thread. Now I guess I should be quiet, huh 

Wendy P. 

[Divalent 139]

The only survivor of a shipwreck washes up on a deserted island, stranded alone for over ten years surviving, on coconuts and fish.

One day he’s sitting on the beach thinking about life back home when a woman in a wetsuit and scuba gear stands up in the ocean and starts walking out of the surf, fins in hands. The man shakes his head and blinks his eyes trying to figure out if he’s dreaming. When he refocuses it’s like a scene from a movie: the woman has taken off her mask and is shaking out long hair, water droplets glinting in the afternoon sunlight. He can tell she’s stunning.

He sits there as she walks across the sand dropping her scuba gear as she goes. She stops standing in front him, drops her dive bag, and says, "been here long mister?" He can only nod his head while he looks for his voice.

She laughs and asks, "you smoke?" He nods again and she unzips the dive bag and pulls out a couple of cigars and a lighter. She pops them in her mouth and lights them both before handing one over to him. They smoke together in silence while he drinks in her beauty.

A few minutes later she asks, "you drink?" He nods again, still mute, and she reaches into her dive bag and removes a bottle of 20 year old scotch and two glasses. She pours a couple fingers of scotch in each and hands one to him before replacing the bottle of scotch and setting the dive bag aside. She sways seductively while humming as they drink the scotch together.

When both glasses are empty she smiles and takes his glass, setting both aside on the ground. Standing up she starts unzipping the front of her wetsuit and asks suggestively, "Do you want to play around?"

The man stands up breathing heavily, eyes following the slowly descending zipper. He stutters, eyes wide as he finally finds his long unused voice and says, "You mean to tell me you’ve got golf clubs too?"

[Divalent 139]

I couldn't afford an Ancestry DNA kit. So I announced that I had won the lottery.

I soon found out who all my relatives are.