Morning Wood / Morning Pee Dilemma ("horny" .... there, now you have to read)

[PhillyKev 0]

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I heard you can sit down. Does that work? When I picture it in my mind (ew), it sure as hell doesn't seem to.

Not unless you want to piss on the ceiling.

[kelel01 1]

Literally laughing my ass off. Oh, wait, I mean figuratively. Anyway, just checking.

[Granimal 0]

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I heard you can sit down. Does that work? When I picture it in my mind (ew), it sure as hell doesn't seem to.

Sitting would involve bending it down, which although possible, it feels better to remedy the problem in other ways.

[flyingferret 0]

Then you end up half sitting, half bent over like a mexican chihuahua in heat trying to get the angle to work. And then, worst of all you might touch the bowl water.

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All the flaming and trolls of wreck dot with a pretty GUI.

[Granimal 0]

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And then, worst of all you might touch the bowl water.

OMG! I hate that. It requires a thorough washing after that.

[kelel01 1]

LMFAO! That was hysterical! But I think we need to change the subject . . . there is entirely too much talk of penises in this thread.

[flyingferret 0]

Yeah, personally I am paranoid about porcelain contact as well...ickk

--
All the flaming and trolls of wreck dot with a pretty GUI.

[flyingferret 0]

Well I tried to help, by suggesting a passionate wakeup call to the other person in bed....

--
All the flaming and trolls of wreck dot with a pretty GUI.

[kingbunky 3]

the original 'guy peeing' explanation, i know, it's probably likely a repost, so sue me. found it at jokecenter.

(the male author was responding to a woman who accidentally
walked into the men's restroom):

Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's
washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him.
Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever
hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom,
start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so
I'll make sure I hit something.

You see, something you ladies should understand by now is
that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go
into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used,
take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still
manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his
left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya
those little buggers can't be trusted.

After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no
longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am
required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this
is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the
toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked
toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot
to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.

Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about,
but because you and I have become such good friends and you
think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you
because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be
understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood".

Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous
desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds
with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that
thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell,
if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the
wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women
insist on putting on the toilet.

And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat
covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So
that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat
and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that
perfect aim.

Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the
guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get
the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You
jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat
stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that
compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning
that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack
off your
weenie.

So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's
just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning
situation to my wife. I told her . . . look, it won't bend.
She said, "sit down like I told you to do
all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the
toilet with "morning wood".

Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat,
and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath
towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you
are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the
toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from
the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top
of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it
runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching
fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of
the toilet.

I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this
morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman
position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal
of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but
it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl
during the first morning pee.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally
to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and
bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just
get beyond our control.

It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.

Now, if it was Father Nature,... there wouldn't have been a
problem!!!

"Hang on a sec, the young'uns are throwin' beer cans at a golf cart."
MB4252 TDS699
killing threads since 2001

[SpeedRacer 1]

if women really cared, they could um, help us out with our morning um, situation.

Some women do care actually. If they wake up next to a huge raging H.O., some women just feel strongly compelled to, well, DO something about it!

Speed Racer
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[kelel01 1]

Don't mistake it for charity.

[flyingferret 0]

LMFAO!!!

It is only funny cause it is SO true...
I thought I was the only one that noticed those damn fluffy covers dont compress.

--
All the flaming and trolls of wreck dot with a pretty GUI.

[Jeth 0]

LMFAO!!!!!! OMG, I am literally in tears!!! I had to bury my head in my arms so as to not disturb my co-workers with my gut-wrenching laughter! Priceless!!

"At 13,000 feet nothing else matters."
PFRX!!!!!
Team Funnel #174, Sunshine kisspass #109
My Jump Site

[Snowwhite 0]

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Then you end up half sitting, half bent over like a mexican chihuahua in heat trying to get the angle to work. And then, worst of all you might touch the bowl water.

Oh what I would give for a man who could do THAT

skydiveTaylorville.org
freefallbeth@yahoo.com

[flyingferret 0]

/me wonder whether she references the position or the distance to the water

--
All the flaming and trolls of wreck dot with a pretty GUI.

[Snowwhite 0]

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LMFAO!!!

It is only funny cause it is SO true...
I thought I was the only one that noticed those damn fluffy covers dont compress.

I'll never forget the first time that the seat came down on Streaker. He's in the DARK bathroom, squeezing the thing with both hands as hard as he can, trying to stop the stream, and he's yellling "Beth! Beth! Open it up!" I can't see what he's talking about and by the time I turned on the lights, the fuzzy cover was completely soaked. This explains why we have NEVER had one since, and WON'T!

skydiveTaylorville.org
freefallbeth@yahoo.com

[Snowwhite 0]

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/me wonder whether she references the position or the distance to the water

distance dear, distance. Just don't tell Streaker I said that,,,,,,

skydiveTaylorville.org
freefallbeth@yahoo.com

[flyingferret 0]

Well, I guess I just keep my toilet nice and full. You know those low flo efficient ones suck, and are always getting terd tankers run aground.

--
All the flaming and trolls of wreck dot with a pretty GUI.

[Kennedy 0]

Poor Streaker.

My God, what am I saying?

Poor Snowwhite!!!!

witty subliminal message
Guard your honor, let your reputation fall where it will, and outlast the bastards.
1*

[Snowwhite 0]

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Poor Streaker.

My God, what am I saying?

Poor Snowwhite!!!!

He's a trumpet player. I married him for his lips and TONGUE....

skydiveTaylorville.org
freefallbeth@yahoo.com

[Kennedy 0]

ok, false alarm folks, Snowwhite has got things under control.

witty subliminal message
Guard your honor, let your reputation fall where it will, and outlast the bastards.
1*

[livendive 8]

Outside is my first option, but rarely available, so I usually end up doing the superman. As for all you women wanting to make use of it, you're only getting half the equation. You did notice the question referenced an urgent need to pee...do you really want to make use of the wood given that circumstance? Now remove that part, and I'm all over it. There is no better way to wake up than with morning wood, no need to pee, and someone to share it with.

Blues,
Dave

"I AM A PROFESSIONAL EXTREME ATHLETE!"
(drink Mountain Dew)

[only_at_120 0]

Bingo, that is why women get pissed off when someone leaves the toilet lid up. Not only do you hit the porcelian in the middle of the night, but water too!!! GRRRRRRRRRR

[mardigrasbob 0]

I laughed so hard I pissed myself!

Personally I like the 'artillery method' stand back gauge your distance, angle, pressure, and trajectory.
Problem is: I am usually asleep and it takes a gallon or two before I get it right. The cool part is walking up look ma no hands to the bowl as the pressure drops.


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[PhillyKev 0]

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Bingo, that is why women get pissed off when someone leaves the toilet lid up. Not only do you hit the porcelian in the middle of the night, but water too!!! GRRRRRRRRRR

Something I've wondered....is it that hard to check if the seat is up and put it down? I don't seem to have a problem remembering to lift the seat before I pee. Why do women not put the seat down first...and why blame men for that? You're the ones sticking your ass in the water. Seems to me you've got the most to gain by checking where the seat is.