JerryBaumchen 1,426 #1 June 10, 2014 Hi Andy, These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you ****ting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral.. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. JerryBaumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyMcSwervy 0 #3 June 10, 2014 I loveeeee trials. When I'd sit on the bench next to the judge I'd always have this big binder of NJ Rules of Court and Directives that I could open and hide my face when I'd try to keep anyone from seeing me laugh. These were good. Always be kinder than you feel. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Andy9o8 2 #4 June 10, 2014 Ha haaa!!!! Those are great. Here's one from my own life: One time I was engaged by a firm as a trial consultant, to take over and try an international law case they had started against defendants in Iran. Our side had been required to get all of our (voluminous) legal filings translated into Farsi and then serve them on the Iranian defendants. This had already been "done" before I came on board. It appears that to save money on translation costs (it gets really expensive) the boneheaded managing partner of the firm got a "friend" of his to do it at a "discount". Problem is, her native language was Arabic, not Farsi; they're completely different languages that happen to use the same alphabet (you know, like, say, Italian and Norwegian do...). So as I was prepping the case, my Iranian expert witness looked at our copies of all the "translated" documents we'd already created (at considerable expense) and pointed out the problem to me. I then went to Mr. Partner. Me: Uh, your interpreter translated all these documents into Arabic, not Farsi. It's the wrong language. Partner: What difference does it make? It's the same alphabet, they can read them just fine. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
