jumpergirl 0 #1 March 2, 2006 Quote ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS "Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife." This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary. Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... -WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,... right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best..... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-GUN.... that hurt like heck!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles... I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
waltappel 1 #2 March 2, 2006 Damn that's funny!!!! Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jumpergirl 0 #3 March 2, 2006 You know, I thought about you when I read it Walt! I got that at work... and had to really control myself so my boss wouldn't catch me online! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Broke 0 #4 March 2, 2006 Well at leat he tried it on his thigh, and not on his nuts.Divot your source for all things Hillbilly. Anvil Brother 84 SCR 14192 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jumpergirl 0 #5 March 2, 2006 Apparently that didn't matter much. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
wingnut 0 #6 March 2, 2006 check out what loudiamondhas to say about tasers..... www.dropzone.com/cgi-bin/forum/gforum.cgi?post=721132#721132 ______________________________________ "i have no reader's digest version" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
waltappel 1 #7 March 2, 2006 Quote You know, I thought about you when I read it Walt! I got that at work... and had to really control myself so my boss wouldn't catch me online! I read that and thought of myself. It sounds *exactly* like something I would do! I'm glad I read it so I know not to! I think the most recent time I did something that dumbass was when I swallowed a tablespoon of Dave's Gourmet Insanity Sauce. That was a truly bad idea. Really, really bad. My adomen felt like that poor fucker in the movie Alien who had the alien incubate inside him and eat its way out. So I decided to puke it up. Bad idea. Not only did it burn all over again coming up, but while I was puking in the commode, a bunch of thrown-up hot sauce flavored water splashed in one of my eyes so my eye felt like it was on fire. All in all, not a fun evening. Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jlkskycam 0 #8 March 2, 2006 Quote Quote You know, I thought about you when I read it Walt! I got that at work... and had to really control myself so my boss wouldn't catch me online! I read that and thought of myself. It sounds *exactly* like something I would do! I'm glad I read it so I know not to! I think the most recent time I did something that dumbass was when I swallowed a tablespoon of Dave's Gourmet Insanity Sauce. That was a truly bad idea. Really, really bad. My adomen felt like that poor fucker in the movie Alien who had the alien incubate inside him and eat its way out. So I decided to puke it up. Bad idea. Not only did it burn all over again coming up, but while I was puking in the commode, a bunch of thrown-up hot sauce flavored water splashed in one of my eyes so my eye felt like it was on fire. All in all, not a fun evening. Walt I once decided I wanted to have some sour-kraut with the bratwurst I was cooking. So, I went to the store, bought a jar, cooked about half of it up and ate it - yum! Three or four days later I pull the jar of kraut out of the fridge which still had about a cups worth left. I heat it up and eat it - yum! About a half hour later...stomach churning...bowls clenching...PAIN...stomach making awful noises...pressure building...I gotta get to the can...run - RUN!!! Barely get the jeans down and sit down in time before the explosion which was imminent...and, as expected, it wasn't pretty. I will NEVER do that again. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
waltappel 1 #9 March 2, 2006 Quote I once decided I wanted to have some sour-kraut with the bratwurst I was cooking. So, I went to the store, bought a jar, cooked about half of it up and ate it - yum! Three or four days later I pull the jar of kraut out of the fridge which still had about a cups worth left. I heat it up and eat it - yum! About a half hour later...stomach churning...bowls clenching...PAIN...stomach making awful noises...pressure building...I gotta get to the can...run - RUN!!! Barely get the jeans down and sit down in time before the explosion which was imminent...and, as expected, it wasn't pretty. I will NEVER do that again. Did you get pics of that magnificent moment or the aftermath? Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BillyVance 34 #10 April 22, 2014 Something made me think of this thread and decided it needed to be revived. Still one of the funniest posts I've ever read. "Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
zoobrothertom 5 #11 April 22, 2014 Worth the revival! ____________________________________ I'm back in the USA!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
