Would you ever consider having children with a friend?

[quade 4]

Nataly

***I recognize, however, Nataly's point that many (as Nataly says) want the child to be 'theirs' from the beginning. I don't see anything wrong with that at all.

I believe it goes much deeper than that for some people... I think some women have dreamt of experiencing the richness of pregnancy and the bond you must feel and the experience of creating and bringing life into this world... It's a very powerful instinct/drive and for some adoption would take away a huge part of the experience they crave. I'm not saying adoption can't be extremely rewarding - perhaps in some cases *more* rewarding - than having a child of your own... But the desire to procreate is strong for many, many, many reasons, and I don't find it very hard to imagine why some women want it even if their situation is not ideal.

For me, a loving environment trumps so many things when it comes to raising a child... Heck, nobody's perfect, and if only perfect people in ideal circumstances had kids, the human race would become extinct very quickly!

I know I'm going to get hammered by the ladies on this, but I feel as if I have to say it anyway.

That part is instinct and I can understand that from a biological point of view. That said, I also think having a kid just because you "want" one sounds incredibly crass. I realize it's a common reason, but to me it would make a hell of a lot more sense is if a person want to have a child so they could give that child a great life rather than just fulfilling the biological imperative and wants of the parent.

"...experiencing the richness of pregnancy and the bond you must feel and the experience of creating and bringing life into this world..." makes it sound like an incredibly selfish act.

quade -
The World's Most Boring Skydiver

[ryoder 1,590]

Andy9o8

Considering how many people wind up having children with arch-enemies, I'd say having one with a friend is a pretty good idea.

There is another option: The casual acquaintance:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/02/03/trent-arsenault-donorsexual-sperm-donor-video_n_1251595.html

(I worked with the guy for 10 years before I learned about his "hobby".)

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[oldwomanc6 54]

quade

"...experiencing the richness of pregnancy and the bond you must feel and the experience of creating and bringing life into this world..." makes it sound like an incredibly selfish act.

No hammering here. I agree that if the only reason you want a kid is to fulfill some selfish agenda, you are probably doing the child a great disservice (I can think of a few examples right off), but I think we are seeing that sentence differently.

I read it as: "Some women imagine and want to experience the wonderful sensations that inevitably go with the physical and emotional changes and bonding during pregnancy."

not "You must experience pregnancy in order to parent properly."

If the latter were true, it would rule out ~50% of the population as parental candidates.

I also think that a lot of people would NOT bond with a non-genetic child, but usually those people don't seek out the adoption route, so we don't hear that sentiment voiced very often.

lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

[LuckyMcSwervy 0]

Quote

I know I'm going to get hammered by the ladies on this, but I feel as if I have to say it anyway.

That part is instinct and I can understand that from a biological point of view. That said, I also think having a kid just because you "want" one sounds incredibly crass. I realize it's a common reason, but to me it would make a hell of a lot more sense is if a person want to have a child so they could give that child a great life rather than just fulfilling the biological imperative and wants of the parent.

"...experiencing the richness of pregnancy and the bond you must feel and the experience of creating and bringing life into this world..." makes it sound like an incredibly selfish act.

Certainly not going to get hammered by me. I assumed that wanting a child and experiencing the pregnancy process went hand in hand with wanting to give a child an amazing life, helping them grew into a good person and strengthening the bonds of a happy, loving family. Now that I think about it, I may have been wrong when I hear about women who have children for the government welfare money.

Also, there are people who become foster parents just for the money, too. Sad.

Always be kinder than you feel.

[Andy9o8 2]

Quote

I worried about ... huge boobs

you say that like it's a bad thing.

[LuckyMcSwervy 0]

Andy9o8

Quote

I worried about ... huge boobs

you say that like it's a bad thing.

It's definitely a good thing but from what I've heard about when they deflate worried me TTYTT.

Always be kinder than you feel.

[Nataly 38]

quade

"...experiencing the richness of pregnancy and the bond you must feel and the experience of creating and bringing life into this world..." makes it sound like an incredibly selfish act.

Well, having a child "simply because you want one" does sound selfish/crass, but if you bring a child into a loving environment, isn't that the most important thing?? I dunno... Personally, I can think of lots of bad situations for a child to grow up in, but a child who is loved and wanted??? Doesn't sound so bad to me...

"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

[Southern_Man 0]

LuckyMcSwervy

. Now that I think about it, I may have been wrong when I hear about women who have children for the government welfare money.

I always wonder how much of a reality this really is. I have spent my life working with disabled (and very poor) people and have never actually heard this sentiment expressed. Even the people I work with have been pretty able to figure out that this is coming out an overall net negative financially. That isn't to say they don't use government benefits, only that I've never heard them to express it as a motivation to have children.

"What if there were no hypothetical questions?"

[oldwomanc6 54]

Southern_Man

***. Now that I think about it, I may have been wrong when I hear about women who have children for the government welfare money.

I always wonder how much of a reality this really is. I have spent my life working with disabled (and very poor) people and have never actually heard this sentiment expressed. Even the people I work with have been pretty able to figure out that this is coming out an overall net negative financially. That isn't to say they don't use government benefits, only that I've never heard them to express it as a motivation to have children.
Generous benefits certainly aren't a deterrent, either.

lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

[quade 4]

oldwomanc6

Generous benefits certainly aren't a deterrent, either.

What country are you talking about when you say "generous benefits"?

quade -
The World's Most Boring Skydiver

[Southern_Man 0]

oldwomanc6

******. Now that I think about it, I may have been wrong when I hear about women who have children for the government welfare money.

I always wonder how much of a reality this really is. I have spent my life working with disabled (and very poor) people and have never actually heard this sentiment expressed. Even the people I work with have been pretty able to figure out that this is coming out an overall net negative financially. That isn't to say they don't use government benefits, only that I've never heard them to express it as a motivation to have children.
Generous benefits certainly aren't a deterrent, either.

No, which is why I mentioned that they certainly do take the benefits. I don't think they are very generous and neither to the people receiving them. They do not outweigh the extra costs involved in having a child. The primary motivator seems to be that they want to have children or that they want to have sex and aren't all that concerned about the consequences.

Anyway, this is venturing into SC territory, so I'll just say that I would not consider children with a friend. Of course I've already had 3 and am done with that portion of my life, so it is a very easy call for me.

"What if there were no hypothetical questions?"

[TriGirl 319]

Damn, Nikita -- some interesting replies, though I haven't really seen any appropriate to your situation (except the warnings about entering into such an agreement with "friends"). I also can't imagine it's very easy for a single man to adopt in America, even these days.

I suppose you could do the sperm donor route, but I don't think you'd get visitation in that situation. I'm not even sure you'd be made aware if your donation resulted in children (or how many).

And I'm with Grue. Never wanted kids. I even lost a few boyfriends along the way who were totally turned off by my not wanting to have kids (guys who wanted families). Yours is an interesting situation. The aforementioned guys just moved on to other prospects, although they went the marriage route. Usually followed by the divorce route, but whatever. At least you're honest about what aspects of a family life you want to have, and aren't thinking about just getting married to whomever you find just so you can have kids. Good luck!

T

See the upside, and always wear your parachute! -- Christopher Titus

Shut Up & Jump!

[promise5 17]

Just jumping in here. My immediate and extended family has adopted. In a few of the situations each couple had to fight the system NOT to get subsidies. Their mind set was that if the children were born into the family the state wouldn't give them money so why would they want money just because the kids were adopted into the family. We all have kinda strong opinions on the money involved in adoption either private or through the foster care system.

No matter how slowly you say oranges it never sounds like gullible.
Believe me I tried.

[LuckyMcSwervy 0]

Southern_Man

***. Now that I think about it, I may have been wrong when I hear about women who have children for the government welfare money.

I always wonder how much of a reality this really is. I have spent my life working with disabled (and very poor) people and have never actually heard this sentiment expressed. Even the people I work with have been pretty able to figure out that this is coming out an overall net negative financially. That isn't to say they don't use government benefits, only that I've never heard them to express it as a motivation to have children.

I've had it said to my face when I work in a court office. Someone was filling out an application for a public defender and claiming they were indigent. I remember this woman being about 18 years old and already having 3 children and she was ready to pop with her 4th at the time. She pulled up in front of the municipal court in a late model Mercedes and parked right in front of my window as these idiots always seemed to do. She lived in the city's disgusting public housing with a bunch of other people in the apartment. I don't remember what the monthly dollar amount guidelines were at the time (this was about 1992) but this ignoramus said to me that she was having the baby and didn't abort because she "heard" there was a cap on welfare up with regards to how many kids you could get covered and the extra $300 (or whatever the amount was at the time) would help PAY HER FUCKING FINES she had all over the county (shoplifting, assault, etc.). I denied her the public defender based on the information she provided, the car she pulled up in was registered to her (had to be an $80K car at the time), how many people lived in the house vs. her stated monthly expenses. Guess what? My judge changed my decision because he said she was black and would start crying racism to our mayor, and the judge was up for reappointment. Whatever.

Also, there were many older women who would take in foster kids for the monthly benefits. These woman I saw were always dressed to the nines with hair/nails/makeup/clothing/handbags/shoes always perfect. The kids were all nappy and smelly. This one bitch had the nerve to say in open court she takes the kids in for the money. She was there on a truancy case because one of the kids never went to school and she didn't really give a flying eff. I personally called my DYFS contact on a couple of them more than once. What happens? Not a damn thing.

I was so happy when I left dealing with the public at the court house and went to statewide administration, away from the general public's sideshows.

BTW - Idiot #1 has 2 kids were always in jail and 1 was recently gunned down in Atlantic City over drug gang bullshit. Shocking.

Always be kinder than you feel.

[LuckyMcSwervy 0]

promise5

Just jumping in here. My immediate and extended family has adopted. In a few of the situations each couple had to fight the system NOT to get subsidies. Their mind set was that if the children were born into the family the state wouldn't give them money so why would they want money just because the kids were adopted into the family. We all have kinda strong opinions on the money involved in adoption either private or through the foster care system.

I agree with that mindset.

Always be kinder than you feel.

[oldwomanc6 54]

format

***+1

-1
One day, kid will find out it's on it's own, sooner the better (well not really so, but in a way yes)

Quote

What does your family think of this idea?

The Internet forum may be more objective source

I know/feel your pain.

lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

[amstalder 0]

npgraphicdesign

Say you were happy living the single life (or should I say the non-married life), but you were getting up there in age, and you knew you wanted children...would you consider having children with a good friend of the opposite sex? And, how would you go around approaching such an arrangement?

Just curious...

NO.

1) I agree with Lucky's first post.
2) As a parent, I can't imagine doing this with a friend. Alone, maybe (probably not, but maybe), but a non committed friendly relationship, no way. Like others have said, parenting is hard work. I couldn't handle baby mama/daddy drama on top of that.

If you do go into this with a friend, make sure that you cover ALL the bases. Who will have primary custody, what will the day-to-day look like, daycare options, what happens if someone wants to move away, vacations, parenting style and philosophies, spanking, vaccination, circumcision, family medical history, religion, sex education, even the freaking carseat can be a big deal. I know couples who have divorced over an inability to see eye-to-eye on parenting topics, and I knew people who won't compromise on some issues. Some of it you can figure out as you go along, but be prepared to have heated discussions without the make-up sex, if you go that way.

[LuckyMcSwervy 0]

amstalder

***Say you were happy living the single life (or should I say the non-married life), but you were getting up there in age, and you knew you wanted children...would you consider having children with a good friend of the opposite sex? And, how would you go around approaching such an arrangement?

Just curious...

NO.

1) I agree with Lucky's first post.
2) As a parent, I can't imagine doing this with a friend. Alone, maybe (probably not, but maybe), but a non committed friendly relationship, no way. Like others have said, parenting is hard work. I couldn't handle baby mama/daddy drama on top of that.

If you do go into this with a friend, make sure that you cover ALL the bases. Who will have primary custody, what will the day-to-day look like, daycare options, what happens if someone wants to move away, vacations, parenting style and philosophies, spanking, vaccination, circumcision, family medical history, religion, sex education, even the freaking carseat can be a big deal. I know couples who have divorced over an inability to see eye-to-eye on parenting topics, and I knew people who won't compromise on some issues. Some of it you can figure out as you go along, but be prepared to have heated discussions without the make-up sex, if you go that way.

Plus, TAXES. Who gets the deduction??

Always be kinder than you feel.

[DrDom 0]

davjohns

Have all the children without parents been adopted by loving homes? I missed that.

Well, someone beat me to this

If you want kids and aren't married... consider adopting.

If you're willing to have kids with "A friend".... maybe you and your friend should explore options of making a family TOGETHER?

Call me old fashioned, but I think kids should have every opportunity to have a functional family arrangement ideally with 2 parents when possible. It takes a village to raise a child as it is.

But what do I know, my wife and I do not want kids.

You are not the contents of your wallet.

[format 1]

DrDom

Call me old fashioned, but I think kids should have every opportunity to have a functional family arrangement ideally with 2 parents when possible. It takes a village to raise a child as it is.

I can not but to remember that I am an offspring of 2 (two) cells.
There wasn't any promises as I recall

What goes around, comes later.

[turtlespeed 221]

format

***Call me old fashioned, but I think kids should have every opportunity to have a functional family arrangement ideally with 2 parents when possible. It takes a village to raise a child as it is.

I can not but to remember that I am an offspring of 2 (two) cells.
There wasn't any promises as I recall

Well at least you weren't vaccumed out.

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

[LuckyMcSwervy 0]

turtlespeed

******Call me old fashioned, but I think kids should have every opportunity to have a functional family arrangement ideally with 2 parents when possible. It takes a village to raise a child as it is.

I can not but to remember that I am an offspring of 2 (two) cells.
There wasn't any promises as I recall

Well at least you weren't vaccumed out.

OH. MY. GOD.

Always be kinder than you feel.

[format 1]

I promise you zero parents, adoptive included

What goes around, comes later.