Would you ever consider having children with a friend?

[LuckyMcSwervy 0]

format

***+1

-1
One day, kid will find out it's on it's own, sooner the better (well not really so, but in a way yes)

Quote

What does your family think of this idea?

The Internet forum may be more objective source

True, but he doesn't have to live with us or ask us to babysit.

Always be kinder than you feel.

[LuckyMcSwervy 0]

oldwomanc6

***Why not have them on your own?

Beyond the obvious biological impossibility,


KIDS ARE HARD, AND A LOT OF WORK! Even with a loving, committed relationship, it's difficult. Having done it (mine are raised and on their own), I can't even imagine doing it by my self on purpose.

I just can't fathom how woman or men do it on their own. That takes some strength and guts that I certainly don't have and I do admire those who pull it off and some make it look easy.

Always be kinder than you feel.

[format 1]

LuckyMcSwervy

True, but he doesn't have to live with us or ask us to babysit.

Spoken like a true prodigy. Word, man

What goes around, comes later.

[Di0 2]

No, absolutely not.
But then again, I also hate children.
However, to answer:

npgraphicdesign

And, how would you go around approaching such an arrangement?

http://topvodkabrands.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/Russian-Vodka.jpg
I think would be my answer.

I'm standing on the edge
With a vision in my head
My body screams release me
My dreams they must be fed... You're in flight.

[oldwomanc6 54]

Di0

No, absolutely not.
But then again, I also hate children.
However, to answer:
***And, how would you go around approaching such an arrangement?

http://topvodkabrands.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/Russian-Vodka.jpg
I think would be my answer.

THAT seems to be the way NOT to get in to a parenting arrangement.

It does seem to be a very popular way to go about it, though.

lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

[Arvoitus 1]

Heatmiser

***That's what a sperm donor is for. I just know people if both sexes that have had children in their own. One through a sperm donor the other through a surrogate.

Not to be a downer but consider all the negatives instead if the positives.
It could be a way to ruin a great friendship.

An oldie, but it seems to relate....
http://www.northwestohio.com/news/story.aspx?id=695228#.Uo1a7sSsiSo


http://lesswrong.com/lw/4xs/why_would_a_certain_hoax_story_be_reported_for_so/

Thats kinda of like that tit staring study that keeps popping up, not real.

Your rights end where my feelings begin.

[davjohns 1]

Have all the children without parents been adopted by loving homes? I missed that.

I know it just wouldnt be right to kill all the stupid people that we meet..

But do you think it would be appropriate to just remove all of the warning labels and let nature take its course.

[LuckyMcSwervy 0]

davjohns

Have all the children without parents been adopted by loving homes? I missed that.

Good point!!

Always be kinder than you feel.

[airtwardo 7]

quade

As a guy "friend" sperm donor, I see this as nothing but trouble. I don't care what kind of legal contract you'd sign ahead of time, you'd probably still end up financially responsible if the woman decided to take it to court.

As a committed relationship; sure. As a "friend" no fucking way.

Not disagreeing with you at all...but even above that, the somewhat foreseeable complications of having children in a non-committed relationship should give one second & third thoughts.

What IF one parent wants to / needs to move away from the other, what if one gets into a committed relationship in which that husband/wife wants stronger boundaries that originally agreed upon...on & on.

I actually faced that scenario in my early 30's...an old GF & longtime great friend 'popped the question' so to speak.

No financial obligations unless I wanted to assist (she's rich wouldn't need my $) - no 'visitation' unless I wanted it, no name on the birth certificate unless I wanted it...the whole 'up to you deal'.

What she wanted from me was the genes, an anonymous sperm donor can still be a shot in the dark so to speak...she knows me, my health, my intellect level or lack of said, family background.

On a purely logical level it kind of made sense but from an emotional point of view, there are landmines everywhere...

I asked her once why she didn't just fuck me & not say anything if that's what she really wanted...she said that wouldn't be honest or fair - gotta give 'er credit for being straight with me at least.

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[BIGUN 1,326]

davjohns

Have all the children without parents been adopted by loving homes? I missed that.

+1

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[Andy9o8 2]

quade

As a guy "friend" sperm donor, I see this as nothing but trouble. I don't care what kind of legal contract you'd sign ahead of time, you'd probably still end up financially responsible if the woman decided to take it to court.

Not just probably, but almost definitely. The general rule is that parents cannot waive or contract-away legal rights held by their children. Child support is the entitlement of the child, period.

[promise5 17]

Don't want to offend.
But, I don't think it fair to tell someone that wants children to adopt. Just like I don't think it's fair to tell someone that doesn't want children to have them. Adoption isn't for everyone and I respect those that admit it's not for them.

No matter how slowly you say oranges it never sounds like gullible.
Believe me I tried.

[davjohns 1]

I'm not dumping on anyone who wants to create a child. It just seems that if you are at the point of looking for a sperm donor, you've given up the idea of creating a child with your life-long companion. If you want a child, there are children that want a parent. Seems pretty straight forward to me.

I know it just wouldnt be right to kill all the stupid people that we meet..

But do you think it would be appropriate to just remove all of the warning labels and let nature take its course.

[Darius11 12]

Yes i would i think it makes more ssnese then the way most people do it.

However i would be 100% honest with the friend as to my intentions, and you have to make sure he is truly ok with it as well.

What happens if one of the friends decides to get married later? Or has to move? A lot of possibilities have to be covered.

I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not." - Kurt Cobain

[Andy9o8 2]

You raise a valid point. But fwiw, it's not at all easy, or cheap for a single woman to adopt a child. Otoh, adopting as a single parent does remove the factor of the second parent remaining in the mix.
But also: are you holding potential willing single parents to a higher standards than married couples? I've known many women who've deeply desired to bear a child of her own. Should a single have more moral pressure to adopt than a married couple? Couldn't your logic apply equally to every married couple who wants to start a family?

[Darius11 12]

davjohns

Have all the children without parents been adopted by loving homes? I missed that.

I know that’s the kind, PC and nice thing to say, but in reality if I am going to put all that effort in to having and raising a kid it will be for my own genes not someone else. I know it’s cold and as usual I am the ass hole here but it’s the truth.

I am not having a kid for an act of charity.

I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not." - Kurt Cobain

[airtwardo 7]

Darius11

***Have all the children without parents been adopted by loving homes? I missed that.

I know that’s the kind, PC and nice thing to say, but in reality if I am going to put all that effort in to having and raising a kid it will be for my own genes not someone else. I know it’s cold and as usual I am the ass hole here but it’s the truth.

I am not having a kid for an act of charity.


That's not an asshole statement, it's a very real & valid stance...I understand it 100% and that's coming from someone who's adopted 3 of 'someone elses' kids.

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[Darius11 12]

Thank you for understanding, i appreciate you saying that.

I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not." - Kurt Cobain

[ryoder 1,590]

Well, here is one way to go about it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HjJhbnz8YX0&t=3m10s

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[Nataly 38]

I don't want to have kids, but I can believe that some people reeeeeealy want to experience every aspect of motherhood, including pregnancy. Of course we would all like our circumstances to be ideal before we bring a child into the world, but for a lot of people this is not realistic. And for someone who really wants to become a parent, what compromises are "reasonable?" Not give birth yourself? Wait until you are more financially secure? (Might never happen.) Wait until you find "Mr. Right?" (Also might never happen.) So I can sort-of understand the thinking behind having a kid with a friend...

"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

[davjohns 1]

Andy - You are correct. I think anyone who wants to have a child should consider an adoption as first option. I think we should eliminate barriers to single parents vice couples. Let's face it, couples aren't all that stable in today's world anyhow.

Darius - You are not an ass. Many people have a strong drive to perpetuate their genes over someone else's. For some reason, I don't have that particular trait. So, this plan makes more sense to me than it might to others. I recognize, however, Nataly's point that many (as Nataly says) want the child to be 'theirs' from the beginning. I don't see anything wrong with that at all.

Still...if you are down to the sperm donor option...adoption might make things easier. It should at least be explored.

I know it just wouldnt be right to kill all the stupid people that we meet..

But do you think it would be appropriate to just remove all of the warning labels and let nature take its course.

[Nataly 38]

davjohns

I recognize, however, Nataly's point that many (as Nataly says) want the child to be 'theirs' from the beginning. I don't see anything wrong with that at all.

I believe it goes much deeper than that for some people... I think some women have dreamt of experiencing the richness of pregnancy and the bond you must feel and the experience of creating and bringing life into this world... It's a very powerful instinct/drive and for some adoption would take away a huge part of the experience they crave. I'm not saying adoption can't be extremely rewarding - perhaps in some cases *more* rewarding - than having a child of your own... But the desire to procreate is strong for many, many, many reasons, and I don't find it very hard to imagine why some women want it even if their situation is not ideal.

For me, a loving environment trumps so many things when it comes to raising a child... Heck, nobody's perfect, and if only perfect people in ideal circumstances had kids, the human race would become extinct very quickly!

"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

[davjohns 1]

Sorry. I didn't mean to gloss over your point.

I know it just wouldnt be right to kill all the stupid people that we meet..

But do you think it would be appropriate to just remove all of the warning labels and let nature take its course.

[PixieUK 0]

npgraphicdesign

Say you were happy living the single life (or should I say the non-married life), but you were getting up there in age, and you knew you wanted children...would you consider having children with a good friend of the opposite sex? And, how would you go around approaching such an arrangement?

Just curious...

Me personally, no, I wouldn't consider it. Single motherhood is not a lifestyle choice I would make intentionally. Having said that, I do know several women who have had children without a long term partner in their life as a deliberate choice. Mostly via sperm donors, but 2 via friends. I don't know the gory details (as in whether they actually had sex or whether there was a 'turkey baster' style arrangement, lol)

In both the 'friendship' cases, they are still friends several years down the line. Family and friends have either accepted the situation or been firmly told to STFU. Neither of the children seems in the least traumatised or maladjusted, in fact, they are two of the best mannered, considerate, mature young people I know.

As for the adoption route, I don't know what the process is like elsewhere in the world, but in the UK, it's a horrific intrusion into your privacy as an individual/couple. Not just your personality, but your personal history, your finances, your relationships, your family life - all is scrutinised and judged by strangers to determine if you are 'suitable' to be a parent and even after all that, you are encouraged to maintain contact with the birth mother where possible i.e. with some scroat who has been judged unsuitable to keep and bring up her own child. Fuck that - sex with a friend to have a child would have been a much preferable alternative.

I considered adoption and ditched the process fairly early on. I do have friends who have gone through the whole process and a couple of friends who are in the middle of the process now and I made the right choice for me. There is no way I would ever encourage someone to 'just adopt' rather than try to have a child of their own - the two situations are light years apart and require an entirely different mindset.

A mind once stretched by a new idea never regains its original dimensions - Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr

[LuckyMcSwervy 0]

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I believe it goes much deeper than that for some people... I think some women have dreamt of experiencing the richness of pregnancy and the bond you must feel and the experience of creating and bringing life into this world... It's a very powerful instinct/drive and for some adoption would take away a huge part of the experience they crave

That's me. I'm fascinated by the creation of life between a husband/wife and dreamed of what my children would've looked like (my nose or ears - hoped not!, my xH's eyes, would they look more like a grandparent/aunt/uncle, etc.). Also, I worried about getting fat, huge boobs, would I bounce back fast, etc. Sadly, it never happened but I think in a traditional family setting (married couple) I would've been an awesome Mom.

Always be kinder than you feel.