davjohns 1 #1 January 30, 2013 I don't golf, but these made me smile. Thought I would share. Golfers Are Wonderful People A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband. The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying here and you're putting?" "Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you. "Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly. "No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through." ___________________________ A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What’s your secret?” Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered." ___________________________ A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?" The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?" The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray." The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards. The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down." ___________________________ Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?" "Yes" says the woman. "Did you hit him with that golf club?""Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face. "How many times did you hit him?" "I don't know -- put me down for a five." ___________________________ A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between 2 trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?" The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I? ___________________________ The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?" He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"I know it just wouldnt be right to kill all the stupid people that we meet.. But do you think it would be appropriate to just remove all of the warning labels and let nature take its course. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
skydiverbry 0 #2 January 30, 2013 Bry-------------------------------------------------- Growing old is mandatory.Growing up is optional!! D.S.#13(Dudeist Skdiver) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
masterrig 1 #3 January 30, 2013 Two words you'll hear on the golf course but not in the bedroom... 'Bite bitch!' Chuck Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
masterrig 1 #4 January 30, 2013 A young priest wakes-up to a beautiful Sunday morning. He can't resist, he has to hit the golfcourse. The young priest calls the Bishop and says he is sick and can't say mass that morning. The bishop tells the young priest that he's have Father Flannigan and to get well soon. The young priest loads-up his clubs and heads for the golfcourse. He arrives at the course and absolutely noone is there. On the first tee, he puts all he has into his swing... a hole in one! On the second, a hole in one! Same with the 3rd., 4th., on through the 17th.. At the 18th., St. Peter asks God; "Are you going to let him get away with 18 holes in one?" God whispers to Saint Peter; "Who's he going to tell?" Chuck Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
airdvr 210 #5 January 30, 2013 Man playing a round of golf catches up with a beautiful young thing on the 17th hole. "Want to play in together?" he asks. She agrees and the finish the round. He asks her to stop for a drink and she agrees. Dinner? Sure. After dinner he invites her back to his place. She goes with him and ends up giving him head on the sofa. Next day they meet again on the 17th. Drinks, dinner, home, head. This goes on all week. Finally on Friday while they're getting busy on the couch has asks her if she'll agree to have intercourse. She whispers in his ear, "I'm actually a man in drag." Now he's pissed off. She looks at him and says "I know I should have told you sooner, but I think you're over reacting." "Over reacting?" he shouts. "You've been playing the red tees all week!"Please don't dent the planet. Destinations by Roxanne Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
popsjumper 2 #6 January 30, 2013 If you are ever caught in a thunder and lightening storm, stay away from the trees and hold up a 1-iron. . . . Not even God can hit a 1-iron.My reality and yours are quite different. I think we're all Bozos on this bus. Falcon5232, SCS8170, SCSA353, POPS9398, DS239 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
monkycndo 0 #7 January 30, 2013 Isn't "golf" and "joke" redundant?50 donations so far. Give it a try. You know you want to spank it Jump an Infinity Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
skydiverbry 0 #8 January 30, 2013 Bry-------------------------------------------------- Growing old is mandatory.Growing up is optional!! D.S.#13(Dudeist Skdiver) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BillyVance 34 #9 January 30, 2013 An old one: What's the difference between a skydiver and a golfer? A skydiver goes "oh shit" WHACK A golfer goes WHACK "oh shit""Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
skydiverbry 0 #10 January 30, 2013 Bry And I never golfed but I know what it is to say "Oh shit" WHACK!!!Bry-------------------------------------------------- Growing old is mandatory.Growing up is optional!! D.S.#13(Dudeist Skdiver) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BillyVance 34 #11 January 30, 2013 Quote Bry And I never golfed but I know what it is to say "Oh shit" WHACK!!!Bry I've golfed and I've used much worse language than that. "Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
skydiverbry 0 #12 January 30, 2013 I never golfed per se but did "attempt" a driving range once I have a hell of a sliceBry-------------------------------------------------- Growing old is mandatory.Growing up is optional!! D.S.#13(Dudeist Skdiver) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Conundrum 1 #13 January 30, 2013 Quote Man playing a round of golf catches up with a beautiful young thing on the 17th hole. "Want to play in together?" he asks. She agrees and the finish the round. He asks her to stop for a drink and she agrees. Dinner? Sure. After dinner he invites her back to his place. She goes with him and ends up giving him head on the sofa. Next day they meet again on the 17th. Drinks, dinner, home, head. This goes on all week. Finally on Friday while they're getting busy on the couch has asks her if she'll agree to have intercourse. She whispers in his ear, "I'm actually a man in drag." Now he's pissed off. She looks at him and says "I know I should have told you sooner, but I think you're over reacting." "Over reacting?" he shouts. "You've been playing the red tees all week!" Hahahahahahahaha Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jimmytavino 16 #14 January 31, 2013 So the foursome is on the 16th tee and as the guy is teeing it up and about to swing....Suddenly on the road nearby, a funeral hearse drive past, followed by a short procession of cars.... The guy stops... lays down his driver, takes off his cap, holds it to his chest and bows his head.....His buddy says, "Geeze... that's awful considerate of you, to acknowledge someones passing like that." and the guy replies,,,"well of course,,, after all, for 45 years, she WAS ... a good WIFE" !!!!! " FORE" !!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
rifleman 70 #15 January 31, 2013 An executive goes on a business trip to Japan and while he's there he decides to visit a brothel. As he's making love to the woman she keeps shouting 'Sung Wa, Sung Wa!' which because of his ego he takes to mean 'fantastic'. The next day he's invited to play golf with his host and on the first green the host sinks a 24 foot putt. Anxious to show off his new found knowledge the visitor says "Sung Wa!" at which the host turns and looks at him and asks' "What do you mean - wrong hole!"Atheism is a Non-Prophet Organisation Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RMK 3 #16 January 31, 2013 ... taken from Top 10 List of Things that are Always True Number 4: All golfers like women"Pain is the best instructor, but no one wants to attend his classes" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BillyVance 34 #17 January 31, 2013 Quote So the foursome is on the 16th tee and as the guy is teeing it up and about to swing....Suddenly on the road nearby, a funeral hearse drive past, followed by a short procession of cars.... The guy stops... lays down his driver, takes off his cap, holds it to his chest and bows his head.....His buddy says, "Geeze... that's awful considerate of you, to acknowledge someones passing like that." and the guy replies,,,"well of course,,, after all, for 45 years, she WAS ... a good WIFE" !!!!! " FORE" !!! I've seen similar jokes like that with football in mind. This couple has had season tickets for years for their favorite football team. Many of the fans in the seats next to them are friends due to being season ticket holders too. One game the guy showed up but his wife's seat was empty. His friends asked him where she was. His reply "oh, she's at the funeral home". "Oh, I'm sorry, who died?" "She did". "Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
promise5 17 #18 January 31, 2013 Tried going to a driving course once, uumm yeah I'm not allowed a club in my hands anymore. No matter how slowly you say oranges it never sounds like gullible. Believe me I tried. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ryoder 1,590 #19 January 31, 2013 No discussion of golf is complete without...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pcnFbCCgTo4"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
npgraphicdesign 3 #20 January 31, 2013 Quote An old one: What's the difference between a skydiver and a golfer? A skydiver goes "oh shit" WHACK A golfer goes WHACK "oh shit" I have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mfrese 0 #21 January 31, 2013 Courtesy of Carl Hiaasen: Any time a lobbyist and a Congressman play golf, they should round out the foursome with two FBI agents. Doctor I ain't gonna die, Just write me an alibi! ---- Lemmy/Slash Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
theonlyski 8 #22 February 1, 2013 Quote Quote An old one: What's the difference between a skydiver and a golfer? A skydiver goes "oh shit" WHACK A golfer goes WHACK "oh shit" I have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard. How do you know a good 4 way team from a bad one? When they burn in: A bad one goes SPLAT, SPLAT, SPLAT, SPLAT, SPLAT(video guy) A good one goes SPLAT, SPLAT(video guy)"I may be a dirty pirate hooker...but I'm not about to go stand on the corner." iluvtofly DPH -7, TDS 578, Muff 5153, SCR 14890 I'm an asshole, and I approve this message Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
turtlespeed 226 #23 February 1, 2013 Quote Quote Quote An old one: What's the difference between a skydiver and a golfer? A skydiver goes "oh shit" WHACK A golfer goes WHACK "oh shit" I have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard. How do you know a good 4 way team from a bad one? When they burn in: A bad one goes SPLAT, SPLAT, SPLAT, SPLAT, SPLAT(video guy) A good one goes SPLAT, SPLAT(video guy) A GREAT one turns one last point after the bounce!I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
