Should I tell parole offficer?

[shortyj 0]

I'll make this a quick run down bc otherwise you'd all be sitting here awhile. My sister who is 28, has three kids ages 7yrs., 5yrs., and 3 months by three different guys. Has been in jail for over 3 yrs for numerous amount of stuff mainly drugs. Anyway she just got out in feb had a baby and my mom and dad said she could stay with them until she got back on her feet. There was the one rule she had to stay clean or she would be asked to leave. I think that's very fair. Well she is seeing this guy and he made her take a drug test and she failed. The boyfriend is a good guy and told her u have to tell your mom. So she tells my mom she used heroin. I am very sad I want her to get better, she has parole officer visit and is supposed to take a drug test, now I wouldn't pit it past her to find clean urine and I don't know how people even get away with that but they do. So if she fails it's back to jail for another 3 and 1/2 yrs. So should I call an tell the parole officer? I thought drug testing was random but maybe not. I don't want her to go back to jail, but her attitude hasn't changed since the first time she was in there. What are your thoughts?

Playtime is essential.

[popsjumper 2]

Personally, I wouldn't say a word to the P.O.

Two things:
1. Her problem, not yours
2. There are many other ways to handle drug problems, Jail is NOT one of them.

If you want to intervene (and that in itself is not a bad thing) investigate those other ways and help her get involved in them.

My reality and yours are quite different.
I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
Falcon5232, SCS8170, SCSA353, POPS9398, DS239

[shortyj 0]

I totally agree with jail not helping I'm sure we all seen that. People get out and go right back in it's sad. I just don't know what to do for her :(. Other then pray. Also I figure and I told my dad this bc he was wondering if he should call I told him well if she's used, she'll use again and she'll get caught.

Playtime is essential.

[normiss 800]

So you're saying that jail won't work...so why send her back?
Family betrayal would be one hell of a hit too wouldn't it?

I say rehab - should be part of her legal case as well.

Repeatedly sending her to jail will accomplish nothing IMO.

Best of luck, that's a tough one.

[rehmwa 2]

Quote

So you're saying that jail won't work...so why send her back?
Family betrayal would be one hell of a hit too wouldn't it?

I say rehab - should be part of her legal case as well.

Repeatedly sending her to jail will accomplish nothing IMO.

Best of luck, that's a tough one.

I'd make the decision solely based on the 7 your old, 5 year old, and 3 month old's best interests.

mom has already set her true priorities - can't just 'writer her off' if any way possible but the priority has to be on those kids

tough call - seems best if shortyj and the grandma sit down together and make the decision as the only real family those kids might have

...
Driving is a one dimensional activity - a monkey can do it - being proud of your driving abilities is like being proud of being able to put on pants

[normiss 800]

I would never want to be "the one in the family who sent daughter/sister/mom/aunt/etc to prison".

There is NO help in that system for addiction.

The family can step up and take over the care of the kids without doing that.

[rehmwa 2]

Quote

I would never want to be "the one in the family who sent daughter/sister/mom/aunt/etc to prison".

There is NO help in that system for addiction.

The family can step up and take over the care of the kids without doing that.

agreed - and if they can take care of the kids AND mom, that would be best.

Hopefully it doesn't become a choice between the well being of the kids vs your concerns about mom. My position would be apparent in that scenario.

Good luck to shortyj - no easy answers from the random strangers here




the other thing we don't know - what kind of person is the parole officer - are they a 'stand up' person that's really trying to look out for the mom? or are they that stereotype? That would play into it.

...
Driving is a one dimensional activity - a monkey can do it - being proud of your driving abilities is like being proud of being able to put on pants

[davjohns 1]

Wow. I see your issue. Do you remain quiet and become part of the lie.

I think there are lots of facts surrounding this that would take all day. Obviously she has issues with guys and probably shouldn't be dating. But you say the new guy is good. At least he's against the drugs.

What is in the best interests of the children? I would presume family has or had custody while sis was in prison. I think someone should have custody of all three permanently. It is unlikely your sister is ever going to turn away from drugs. If prison didn't count as hitting bottom, she may never make it there before she kills herself.

Very sorry to say that. I've just seen that some people need more than hitting bottom to quit.

Being very frank and a bit brutal...I think someone needs to take charge of the kids and sis needs to cut off until she makes a committment to take charge of her life. Sounds like she hasn't.

I think that means the PO should know. At the same time, it is unlikely a single positive test will send her back to prison. Most POs work hard to keep you out of prison because the prisons are so full. I've defended guys with multiple felonies (non-violent) who have never gone to prison. You have to be ready to take the fall-out. Probably best if the family makes the decision together rather than one person alone. And you will all need to accept that sis is likely to take off and try to disown the family if the family doesn't protect her from the consequences of her actions. She'll come back when she's ready to get help.

Hurts to even type this. Will be much worse if your family tries to do it. In the end, do what is best for those kids. They didn't make any choices like your sister did.

I know it just wouldnt be right to kill all the stupid people that we meet..

But do you think it would be appropriate to just remove all of the warning labels and let nature take its course.

[popsjumper 2]

Quote

I think that means the PO should know.

Quote

Probably best if the family makes the decision together rather than one person alone.

Quote

Will be much worse if your family tries to do it.

Contradictions there. Leave the P.O. out of it....period.

Shorty:
Google "drug intervention" for starters. Do some research instead of sitting there wondering what to do. Do it NOW. The longer you wait, the more potential for even more adverse affects on the kids.

My reality and yours are quite different.
I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
Falcon5232, SCS8170, SCSA353, POPS9398, DS239

[janz 0]

Even if you are not religious I would seek the advice of someone in the clergy after I've asked around to see who has a good reputation. I don't go to church but do know the Catholic priest in town and despite all the problems the church has had I think most of that has been taken care of. I would trust the guy in my town before the parole officer but discretely ask friends which clergy has empathy in your town and let your conscience guide you. If they are decent and know their job a good one should have experience with a situation like yours.

[davjohns 1]

I think I'm being mis-interpreted. I was trying to say the PO should be informed. It should be a family decision to do so. The fallout from sis will be rough. I see no contradition. I'm just recognizing that doing the right thing is often difficult.

I know it just wouldnt be right to kill all the stupid people that we meet..

But do you think it would be appropriate to just remove all of the warning labels and let nature take its course.

[d_squared431 0]

It is tough to be put in a position like this. I made the hardest call of my life to social services on my dad and his wife. Long story short I have now had my brother from age 3.5 and he is now 11. Each state is different with foster parents ( relatives taking in children). In some states relatives do not receive subsidy to care for the kids. Which is a large financial hardship on them. Not only is it committing to take the child, you have weekly, month visits, etc.

I have no tolerance for parents who do this. They are a burden on everyone who loves them and then the tax payers who have to pay for them in state funded rehabs/ jail/prisons.

Think about the kids, what is best for them. To have a mother who is strung out popping in and out of their lives or having her committed to a program?

I don't think I would call the PO, I think I would tell her she needs to. It is better for her to own up to her mistakes and ask for help. You need to talk her into that. If the PO finds out any other way I'm sure the punishment will worse than if she told them.

TPM Sister#130ONTIG#1
I love vodka.I love vodka cause it rhymes with Tuaca~LisaH
You having a clean thought is like billyvance having a clean post.iluvtofly

[Andy9o8 2]

Quote

I think I'm being mis-interpreted. I was trying to say the PO should be informed. It should be a family decision to do so. The fallout from sis will be rough. I see no contradition. I'm just recognizing that doing the right thing is often difficult.

I feel pretty much the same way you do, for the reasons you've already stated. An additional reason to turn her in is both basic and stark: if she's relapsed, over the short run being locked up might save her life. I know this from first hand experience with a number of people in virtually identical situations as this one.

So yes, hard as it may be on so many levels, I'm leaning toward turning her in. If it were my sister, I'd rather have her in jail, alive and hating me, than dead.

[CSpenceFLY 1]

How the hell did she go to jail for 3 yrs and have a baby the month she got out?

[Andy9o8 2]

Quote

How the hell did she go to jail for 3 yrs and have a baby the month she got out?

Perhaps the OP meant her sis has been chronically in & out of jail for the past 3 yrs....?

[shortyj 0]

Well guys she did tell the po that her test was going to cone back dirty. They told her if it did she would do 1 1/2 yrs I guess that's better then 3 1/2 and if it comes back clean, parents are thinking about letting her stay with them only if she goes and get help.

Playtime is essential.

[cocheese 0]

prison sex?

[shortyj 0]

Work release

Playtime is essential.

[airtwardo 7]

Being very frank and a bit brutal...I think someone needs to take charge of the kids and sis needs to cut off until she makes a commitment to take charge of her life. Sounds like she hasn't.

Quote

It's not a perfect world, and unfortunately that's probably the best solution available in practical terms.

There is nothing more important in this situation than the welfare of the kids. Their mother doesn't seem to be able to prioritize that in thought or action.

Certainly rehab, intervention, religious counseling would all be options...but in the real world there are time & money constraints.

Someone needs to get her away from those kids and quickly, she's shown that the addiction is bigger than her love and responsibility to them.

You don't have to dislike her or even blame her for the disease, but the kids shouldn't suffer in any way, shape or form because it.


~and I'd have to agree with the poster who suggested maybe 'she' should approach the P.O. with a ' I've relapsed and I need help ' story, recognizing there IS a problem is often the 1st step.

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

• Quote

[Amazon 7]

I think my biggest problem with those who abuse drugs to the exclusion of all other people in their lives is the havoc they bring down on all those around them.

I thought I could help my favorite cousin when she asked me if I could give her youngest child a place to live and return to the Northwest where they lived for a few years in the early 80's.

I came to find out she was clueless to her sons ability to injest any and all substances that would alter his oh so horrible reality of being him.
He stole our prescription meds.. he destroyed things thru his not giving a damn about anything... many many things dissappeared from our house never to be found again... but the final straw was a friend who let us know that he was dating her heroin addict roomate who was on methadone ( well the replacement they use nowadays that I can't remember the name of now) most likely so he could share those "nice high's" he loved so much more than anything else in life.

I do not want to have anything to do with that culture and the police prediliction for preying on those abusers for monetary gain. I would be very very wary of how much your sister could adversely affect not only her children.. but your parents as well. Personally I would just not be into 2 am wakeup calls from the local police as they break down the front door and their affect on my life while they try to get to my not so loving cousin. I tried to help a family member but I found the cost was just more than I was willing to pay.

[popsjumper 2]

OK.
Still, keep the P.O. out of it. That will only cause more anguish for the family...not to mention her AND the kids.

As soon as you get the state/goobermint involved, you will lose all control of events and it's almost assured that you will like neither the process nor the outcome.

The family can handle this without the gogobermint involvement.

Period.

Talking to the clergy could be a good suggestion for starters.

My reality and yours are quite different.
I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
Falcon5232, SCS8170, SCSA353, POPS9398, DS239

[popsjumper 2]

Quote

I don't think I would call the PO,

Agreed

Quote

I think I would tell her she needs to.

Again, if you are talking about the her telling the P.O., it's a mistake.

Quote

It is better for her to own up to her mistakes and ask for help. You need to talk her into that.

Quote

Agreed...IF she will, fine. If she won't then there are many other means of intervention for the family other than state involvement. Period.

Quote

If the PO finds out any other way I'm sure the punishment will worse than if she told them.

That could very well be true...IF she does nothing, or IF the family does nothing to alleviate the situation.

OTOH, should she be taking part in a voluntary, real rehabilitation process, whether on her own accord or at the instigation of the family, it would be a plus in the eyes of the goobermint.

BUT, either way there are no guarantees of a favorable outcome if the state gets involved.

It's just simply amazing to me that anyone would even remotely suggest getting the state involved in one's personal problems....for any reason.

I'm sure the kids are going to enjoy living in a foster home away from family. They'll just love it.

My reality and yours are quite different.
I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
Falcon5232, SCS8170, SCSA353, POPS9398, DS239

• Quote

Share this post

---

Link to post

Share on other sites

[popsjumper 2]

Quote

being locked up might save her life.

Quote

All too true...if that's all you are trying to accomplish, but OTOH, it just may not.

Quote

If it were my sister, I'd rather have her in jail, alive and hating me, than dead.

Yes, it's a tough call.

However, you guys are jumping the gun here.

The situation as presented leaves room that there is still hope for recovery.

Would you want to throw that chance away without pursuing it?

If you think the situation is beyond all hope and the the girl is on the brink of disaster with no hope, then maybe jail would be the answer....for her. I don't see it but OK, as you will.

BUT only as a last resort!

You guys know as well as I do that recovering abusers rarely make good on the first attempt. Hell, even after many attempts. Are you so sure that she has reached the point of no return and that only jail will make everything better?

Do you not think that there are no drugs in jail? Do you not think that getting dead in jail is a possibility, too? Are you playing the odds with her life? Are you so confident that the P.O. is going to the glorious, righteous thing by her?

Throw in the kids in see if the odds change any.

If it were my sister, I'd try everything in my power to get help for her without getting the state involved.
That would be a last ditch, no hope at all, no other option thing and I would have an extremely hard time coming to that decision.

My reality and yours are quite different.
I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
Falcon5232, SCS8170, SCSA353, POPS9398, DS239

• Quote

Share this post

---

Link to post

Share on other sites

[popsjumper 2]

Yep, then on the other hand the family could just have her thrown in jail and take core of the kids themselves until she's out. Maybe the state would rehabilitate her to the point of giving up drugs. Maybe that would be easier on the kids and all else involved.

Well, what the heck? It IS a possibility.

My reality and yours are quite different.
I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
Falcon5232, SCS8170, SCSA353, POPS9398, DS239

[normiss 800]

If only the prison system was clean as well....ha.

Yea....no drugs there at all.