Choose your poison?

[shah269 0]

I would appreciate little to no Shah bashing on this thread thank you.

There is a time and a place for humor and joviality but this one....not so much thank you and I would appreciate it. And I'm very sorry for the length of this post, very difficult to do it in under 100 words.

Choose your poison? That’s what I'm facing.
To sum things up
5 years ago I made the second biggest mistake of my life.
I looked past some major economic and social indicators and bought a condo that my now X wife loved. It was close to her job, she could ride her bicycle on nice spring and summer days to work, and was very close to the community collage she was attending in the evenings.
The only perks for me were that it was close to my job but more importantly my x wife would be happy and when I was married all I really cared about and focused on was her happiness.

As so often as things go 3 years after we moved in and did a good bit of renovations there was the divorce and a massive economic downturn. And in my moment of shock when my X wife said "You can have the condo" I said "yes".....not smart but I was in shock....the request for divorce really did come from left field.

So now I'm "stuck" in a condo I bought for someone who cheated on me in a location where I am very much a round peg in a square hole. The condo complex is filled with old dying ladies...they kick the bucket about one per quarter....and young married couples with screaming kids and about half an hour too far away from NYC to make NYC a viable hang out. Furthermore, per my knowledge I'm the only single person under the age of 50 in a complex of 250 units.

All the above has really over the past two years has caused me to be very down and testy....I'm sure you have seen some of the very angry visceral posts. And honestly, that's not who I am. And I've spoken to professionals regarding the issue and the term that keeps coming up over and over again is "Situational Depression" caused by waking up in the physical manifestation of my pain....kind of like waking up and pulling out emotional stitches every morning.

So here is where I sit, I'm presented with a no win situation...choose my poison? I could take a mild anti depressant so as to "dull" my perception of reality....for a very very very long time (expected recovery is 5-10 years) OR.....take nothing and just live with it?

I'm really having a hard time with this one guys! I don't mean to put people who do take antidepressants down...I know that there are instances that these drugs do save lives and really do improve things but....I can't help it but feel that.....by taking a pill to be numb to my environment I would becoming a drug addict?

Yet again I have to admit living in the physical manifestation of my emotional loss every day....not being able due to financial reasons to "walk away" (can't rent it out I would lose too much money and from what I'm told I make too much money for a foreclosure or a short sale).

I honestly don't know thus why I'm asking perfect strangers for advice.
What would you do? Wake up every morning and feel trapped or take a chemical so as to dull the situation? And I can't live from skydive to skydive to bump my serotonin levels.....though it may be cheaper than the copay for Prozac.

Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay.

The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools!

[CSpenceFLY 1]

First, if you'd done something about this when you first started bitching about it you'd almost be out of the woods by now.

I would never take any kind of medication like that but I'm a stronger better person than you are. {sarcasm}

If you can't figure out a way to beat this by other means and a professional has suggested some meds, take the fucking pill, it will be better for all of us.

[shah269 0]

The moment I said "yes" to my x wife in accepting the condo there was nothing I could do until the banks had charged me a nice sumo f $4k to remove her name from the outstanding lean.

I know I hired a legal representative. My hands were effectively tied behind my back for those two years. In which time the property lost another $50k worth (15%) its value.

Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay.

The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools!

[DiverMike 5]

From the sidelines, it looks like you are stuck in a groove and need a 'bump'. Antidepressants can do that. Try them for a little while (a month or so) , then get off them as soon as you can. That may be enough of a bump to get you rethinking your life. You really are better off then 98% of the people on this planet. You might realize this intellectually, but emotionally you appear to be playing the victim.

For the same reason I jump off a perfectly good diving board.

[shah269 0]

TRUST ME I know.
I was born in Iran in 77, i was there for the war, when we came to the US we had all of $500 in 1985....yeah I know trust me I know....I just want to be free to start my life over again. And due to finance / bad luck.....I can't and the thought of being a drug addict.....

Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay.

The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools!

[mrubin 0]

Sometimes you just have to make a change in your life. Get out of the condo. You'll lose some money, but you might be better off in the long run. It's only money, you can always earn more. The question you have to ask yourself is how much do you value your mental/emotion well being?

"I fly because it releases my mind from the tyranny of petty things." - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

[skydiver30960 0]

What is the primary cause of your emotional stress: the financial pressure of being upside down on a property; the lifestyle crunch put on by living in a place that you consider "not your style" and too far away from the city; or that the condo is a daily reminder of "what used to be?"

Just trying to nail down details.

Elvisio "I know how you feel, really" Rodriguez

[davelepka 4]

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I was born in Iran in 77, i was there for the war, when we came to the US we had all of $500 in 1985

So you were 8, and probably had little to do with the household finances. If your father is still alive, ask him how he turned $500 into a life in the US, and follow his plan. You have $500, right?

I hate to sound like a line from the Shawshank Redemption, but you have to make a choice, start living or start dying. You're alwfully focused on the financial aspect of this deal, but if staying there is ruining your life, is it really worth it?

It's pretty simple, you have to make the choice between financial health or emotional health (for right now). I don't know what you do for a living, but you seem to be some sort of educated professional of some sort, and make a decent wage. Downsize your 'lifestyle' for a 5 years, and dig your way out of the mess.

Sell the condo at a loss, and pay that down while living in a less expensive situation. Rent it out to offset the losses, even if you have to 'fire sale' the rent to get and hold a tennant, if it helps you pay down the loan while the economy recovers or your emotional health recovers, then so be it.

The long and short of it is that you're probably going to lose money on this deal. What's killing you is trying to figure out some way to not lose money, but you have to let that go. Figure out a way to minimize your loses, rip off the proverbial band-aid, and get on with your life.

[BIGUN 1,409]

I assume you've checked out the effect of the HARP 2.0 re-fi loans on condos?
Might get your payments down low enough to rent.

EDIT: There was a time when people argued about who got the house during a divorce. Now, they argue about who takes the house.

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[shah269 0]

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What is the primary cause of your emotional stress: the financial pressure of being upside down on a property; the lifestyle crunch put on by living in a place that you consider "not your style" and too far away from the city; or that the condo is a daily reminder of "what used to be?"

I can live with the place being under. I can live within my means. What is getting me is
the lifestyle crunch put on by living in a place that you consider "not your style" and too far away from the city AND that the condo is a daily reminder of "what used to be?"

God darn it i don't want to be a drug addict....living with a shit eating drug induced grin on my face....

Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay.

The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools!

[oldwomanc6 60]

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Sometimes you just have to make a change in your life. Get out of the condo. You'll lose some money, but you might be better off in the long run. It's only money, you can always earn more. The question you have to ask yourself is how much do you value your mental/emotion well being?

I agree! There are more choices than take a drug or not.

This condo is sucking the life right out of you, Shah. It has frozen you in time, money and emotion. Take a loss, go and do what you really want to. You will be better off even with the debt you incur (which BTW you already have incurred whether you stay or go). You will, then be free to choose where you can start a new life. A place that doesn't have ghosts. A job that you look forward to doing every day. Surroundings that will put you in proximity of people your own age and interests. Heck, you might even be able to put yourself in a place where your financial options will allow you to get ahead of it in a more timely manner than if you stay long enough to turn the loss around, which may be never.

Whatever you decide to do, make a plan, set goals for what you want your life to be, the direction you want to take. Write them down. I'm not a doctor, but I do know that depression very often is a result of having no goals. When you stop moving, you're bound to get stuck in the mud, and the longer you stay still, the deeper you sink, the water becomes stagnant, starts to smell rotten, and it becomes more and more difficult to pull yourself out. By making a plan, you can set things in motion again.

lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

[CSpenceFLY 1]

Same thread different quarter.

No disrespect toward you Dave, but if you do a search you can find 10 threads just like this. After every single bit of advice he will explain why he can't do this and can't do that. The best he can do is get some good meds and ride the storm out. When he gets the fucking condo paid off he will move and see he is still an unhappy person.

I'll stop there because going on would appear to be a PA but in reality it's just the truth.

[CSpenceFLY 1]

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God darn it i don't want to be a drug addict....living with a shit eating drug induced grin on my face....

Do you ever stop and listen to yourself? You're coming across(again) as a real fucking asshole. People who take meds for depression are not drug addicts.

I've yet to figure out if you're a troll or if you really are as fucked up stupid as you come across. In any case STFU till you can figure out a way to be less offensive.

[skydiver30960 0]

Quote

Quote

What is the primary cause of your emotional stress: the financial pressure of being upside down on a property; the lifestyle crunch put on by living in a place that you consider "not your style" and too far away from the city; or that the condo is a daily reminder of "what used to be?"

I can live with the place being under. I can live within my means. What is getting me is
the lifestyle crunch put on by living in a place that you consider "not your style" and too far away from the city AND that the condo is a daily reminder of "what used to be?"

God darn it i don't want to be a drug addict....living with a shit eating drug induced grin on my face....

If that's true then get out, take the financial hit. Although your bank account will be sadder you'll be much happier. The wife and I just closed on a new house and are hoping to very soon get the hell out of an apartment that has nothing but bad memories for us, so I know exactly what you feel.

And to echo others here, your blanket statements about antidepressants are rather prickish. I agree with you that there are people who look for a pill to fix their problems and end up on multiple medications with their personalities and lives shot because of it. But the truth of the matter is they're the exception to the rule. If you are getting professional help with your emotional issues and they're suggesting you try medications, then do so. Remember to give it SEVERAL weeks: these medications aren't "on again, off again" meds like Advil. The meds need time to build to therapeutic levels in your body, and then changes are usually (relatively) slow to manifest, but can be worth it when they do.

Elvisio "empathy, even if you are a troll" Rodriguez

[Amazon 7]

Quote

The moment I said "yes" to my x wife in accepting the condo there was nothing I could do until the banks had charged me a nice sumo f $4k to remove her name from the outstanding lean.

I know I hired a legal representative. My hands were effectively tied behind my back for those two years. In which time the property lost another $50k worth (15%) its value.

Suck it up Cupcake.... you nade decisions you will have to live with.

Rent out the condo to some dying old lady over 50 and move to the city if that is what you want to do... then you can find the Snookie of your dreams

[Ron 10]

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And due to finance / bad luck.....I can't and the thought of being a drug addict.....

Taking a drug that is needed is not an "addict". Dumest reason ever.....

I am a diabetic and I went through EXACTLY the same feelings.... Ya know what? Suck it up and take the damn pills.

They might work and be the bump you need to unfuck your life. They might not work and then the worst thing is they didn't work.

2nd thing..... Your life does not suck as bad as you think it sucks. I have had three friends die this year to heart disease (two under 40, one 56). THEIR families are sucking right now. I have another friend who was working with me to get her out of debt, she just totaled her car. Even with that setback she considers herself lucky.

Your attitude in life is YOUR responsibility. The story of the two twins at the beach comes to mind:

Two twins are at the beach playing in the water. A big waves comes in and tosses both of them around. One twin starts crying and runs out of the surf, the other laughs and runs back in.

Two nearly identical people, identical situation. One is happy and having fun, the other is crying.
Which twin are you now, and which twin would you rather be?

3rd.... Depression is a real issue. It is not weak to get help. It is a medical condition and should be treated medically. BUT, you can also build up your mental strength to help fight it.

Years ago I felt depressed. I asked myself one simple question. "What thing that I can control will make me happy?" Notice, 'that I can control'... you can't control others actions or feelings so "I want a girlfriend" does not work.

Also, objects do not really work.... Focus on experiences.

So ask yourself what experience would make you happy and as soon as you give yourself that answer make a positive step in that direction that SECOND.

Want to learn how to cook? Sign up for an extension class.

Want to learn how to fly? Go take a discovery flight.

Want to learn to SCUBA dive? What the hell is stopping you?

Want to get out of debt? DO it.

Once you go through a few of these you will find that you are a hell of a lot more competent than you feel. And your confidence will increase.

Stop being a rider in your life and take it for a drive instead.... You may not go exactly where you wanted, but I bet you will enjoy the ride.

So, what EXPERIENCE do you want?

"No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms." -- Thomas Jefferson, Thomas Jefferson Papers, 334

[DiverMike 5]

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And due to finance / bad luck.....

Spoken like a true victim.

Quote

take the fucking pill, it will be better for all of us.

+1

For the same reason I jump off a perfectly good diving board.

[Danl 0]

I recommend you read Anatomy of an Epidemic: Magic Bullets, Psychiatric Drugs, and the Astonishing Rise of Mental Illness in America by Robert Whitaker.

[shah269 0]

No disrespect to anyone who is taking medication due to their illness. For me after talking to a professional it was rather straight forward regarding situational depression and dealing with it.

1) Get out of the situation....for some this is a new job or find a way out of the situation.

2) Here take these pills twice a day and you will be more numb to the situation.

Well for me as I'm reading it, but I will have to verify it since all these banking rules and regulations appear to have caveats, the situation will not be going away any time soon. And per the recent appraisal the number of years is about 7.

And to answer, sorry can't rent out, financially unviable. If you would like to argue viability please contact my accountant for further information.

However I will have to have another sit down talk with my lawyer regarding the "walk away option" but living in NJ which is a very pro big business state that may also not be an option.

Thus the "situation" is a fixed quantity.

Or the hand full of pills.....and live the chemically enhanced unattached life.

But for those that put up helpful advice I greatly appreciate it, for those that ranted and insulted......may you have a good day.

I think I'll have another talk with my accountant and lawyer on the issue....maybe a combination of bankruptcy and foreclosure....anything is better than waking up every day in a mistake I made for another person.


Live and learn I guess...live and learn........and in this case pay a pound of flesh while learning to live.

Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay.

The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools!

[shah269 0]

Quote

I assume you've checked out the effect of the HARP 2.0 re-fi loans on condos?
Might get your payments down low enough to rent.

EDIT: There was a time when people argued about who got the house during a divorce. Now, they argue about who takes the house.

BIGUN
Sorry didn't see this but yes, I'm well over the 125% and well over the 130%

Adn yes you are correct, the X wife who worked at one of the local banks knew the numbers and was smart enough to hit hard and hit fast and give me the debt.

I sadly was in total shock and could not think and said yes. I regret that moment for the past 2 years.
I thought I was smarter than that......

And after I speak to my lawyer and accounant later this week that my choices are not limited to

Being trapped or taking pills to be happy yet trapped.

Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay.

The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools!

[billvon 3,070]

>2) Here take these pills twice a day and you will be more numb to the situation.

If that was really his advice - find a better psychiatrist. There are good ones out there who know how to use antidepressants in ways other than to make you "numb to the situation." They really are pretty good at treating people in depressions.

But if the situation really does bug you that much - leave it. Put your condo on the market and sell it for whatever you can get for it. Buy an old van and live in it or get a trailer on a DZ (or even in a trailer park near a place you like.)

When I first met Amy I bought a van and we lived in it for three months, driving across the country. When I got back the price of apartments made me outraged so I lived in it for another six months. Showered at work, spent the weekends at the DZ. It's quite doable.

[shah269 0]

I'm very sorry I live in the North and have a good job here thus living in a van is not an option.
I may hate the place but I will not go from the frying pan into the fire. Thus a short sale could be in excess of $100k.

If it came to that I'll just take the pills, numb myself to the situation that is causing the problem, and live a chemically comfortable life.

God that just sounds so sick! Chemically comfortable.....
But then again waking up every morning and getting more and more angry until I leave for the office and doing everything I can not to be back in the place till the last minute.....I don't think that's healthy either.

Honestly I'm sorry I brought this up, it's a no win situation....depending on what the lawyer and accountant will tell me over the next few days.....and I'm sorry I burdened any one by the thought.

Ok off to a meeting....again for those who weren't outright rude, thanks! I greatly appreciate your thoughts.

Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay.

The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools!

[loch1957 0]

Shah i don't know you well but your certainly making a mountain from a mole hill. If that condo is such an emotional drag on you, walk the hell off. Might not be able buy house anytime soon but they wont chase you down with dogs and shoot you either. As for medication, its not the end of the world and its rarely permanent.

Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.”

[DiverMike 5]

I'm not sure you understand how much you are being a victim. If you can't consider your problems to be opportunities, you will always be a victim. I would hazard a guess that the majority of the people on DZ.COM who are at least 50 have suffered a setback similiar in scope to yours. I know I have.

Don't worry - nothing lasts forever. You will probably be dead in 50 years.

By the way - my bet is still active if you want to take it. I bet 10 Lift Tickets you will be remarried and buying another house within 7 years.

For the same reason I jump off a perfectly good diving board.

[shah269 0]

loch1957
I approached my lawyer last year on the issue of "Walking away"
Per his interpretation of the regulations since the loan on the condo consumes only 48% of my income the banks may and will come after me in a short sale and can garner my wages. $100k is a good bit of money to lose. And per the regulations I recall that I would have to pay that back in 10 years? And I know I'm no different from a good 45% of the home owners in the country who also have lost vast sums of money and I'm sure a good number of them also have negative emotional attachments due to divorce or other. So there may be no easy financial solution and if there is it may involves as others have said...living in a van outside of my office? And I'm not willing or able to do that. But I'm going to boubble check with my lawyer just to be sure.

But thank you for the suggestions. I fear I may have to choose between the lesser of two poisons. A poison which I bring on myself via anger and frustration or one I may willingly ingest to be numb to my imprisonment for there is otherwise nothing wrong with me.

Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay.

The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools!