BIGUN 1,297 #1 January 25, 2012 WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS ? A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?' The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.' The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be darned, ' Then returned to his paper... The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong, how long have you had arthritis?' The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.' MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
gonzalesna 0 #2 January 25, 2012 Some people refrain from beating a dead horse. Personally, I find a myriad of entertainment value when beating it until it becomes a horse-smoothie. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
airtwardo 7 #3 January 25, 2012 ~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
rifleman 70 #4 January 25, 2012 I DIDN'T KNOW HE'D RETIRED It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a cheque for £50. At the second house they presented him with an 18-carat gold watch. The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When they went downstairs, the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage, Potato Scones, Black Pudding, Fried Dumpling & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee, he noticed a quid coin in the saucer. 'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but what's the quid for?' 'Well,' said the dumb blonde, 'Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what I should give you'. He said, 'F*ck him. Give him a quid.' She smiled shyly and said, 'The breakfast was my idea.Atheism is a Non-Prophet Organisation Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BIGUN 1,297 #5 January 25, 2012 OK. That was funny. Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Nataly 38 #6 January 25, 2012 A woman was in a coma for months and months... Having tried every medical treatment available to revive her, her husband was beginning to despair when his doctor offered an alternative option... "Sometimes, patients have responded well to oral sex." The man was surprised by this suggestion but as the doctor assured him it could do no harm, he agreed to give it a try. That evening, the nurses changed his wife to a single room and allowed the two some privacy... Things were quiet for about 10 minutes, then suddenly all her emergency equipment started beeping and going off... The nurses ran into the room asking what happened and the man replied: "I don't know!! Everything was going really well!! I guess she must have choked!!""There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse." - Chris Hadfield « Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. » - my boss Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dgm458 0 #7 January 26, 2012 Why do cowgirls walk Bow-legged? Cowboys eat with their hats on.-------------------------------------------------- Failure to prepare is preparing to fail Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,354 #8 January 26, 2012 Hi Bigun, The couple were having some sexual problems so they scheduled a visit to a sexual problem doctor. The doctor asked what the problem was and the woman said that every time that they had sex his balls kept slapping into her & it caused her to not be able to concentrate on the sex. The doctor tells the wife to take her clothes off and lay down on the exam table. The doctor takes his clothes off and, just as he begins to have sex with her, tells the husband to hold the doctors balls up. The woman enjoys it tremendously and ends up screaming to the tops of her lungs. They get dressed and the doctor tells them to go home and give something like this a try and to come back in a week to see if it worked. A week later they come back and the husband is in a cast from head to toe and the woman looked like a truck had hit her. The doctor asks what happened and the man says, "Well, we didn't have an exam table so we set up the ironing board. And then we didn't have anyone to hold my balls up so I got some wire & nailed it to the ceiling and wrapped it around my balls. All was going really great, she was yelling like crazy and then the ironing board collapsed." JerryBaumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BIGUN 1,297 #9 January 26, 2012 That's one of those jokes ill remember for every day life situations of choas. You know, when it seems like everything is going wrong and to add some levity to the situation can juzt say, "...and that's when the ironing board collapsed." Have a good morning!!!Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,354 #10 January 26, 2012 Hi Bigun, Research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex. The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face. The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen. The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time, your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom. The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'Screw you.' The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. This means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon, and Nun at night. (Very Popular) The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone. And last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security sex. You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself. JerryBaumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,354 #11 January 26, 2012 Hi Bigum, And one more: If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today! If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today. But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund, you would have received $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg. And, as a bonus... A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that, on average, Americans drink 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that the average American gets about 41 miles to the gallon! JerryBaumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
npgraphicdesign 3 #12 January 27, 2012 Hung Chow calls into work and says, “So solly, I no come work today, I leally sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.” The boss says, “You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.” Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. “I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon...You got nice house!!” Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
