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shah269

Fear of ending up like a good friend *NOT for the ladies*

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After my divorce, I LOVED quiet time to myself.
No bitching.
No nagging.
I could build bikes and hot rods with no complaints.
When I left the house the only thing I heard was the door. Same when I came back. When ever that was.
I have always liked spending time with me. No crowd required. No woman required.
I've thankfully found better a much better person that I enjoy having in addition to my life. It's like a bonus.

You have to be happy with you first.

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I do my best to never have a quiet night...nothing worse than "quiet".



That's your first problem. You have to be good company for yourself before you can be good company for another person.
She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man,
because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon

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That's your first problem. You have to be good company for yourself before you can be good company for another person.


There is a joke in here about going "lefty" right?
:P

It's complicated why I don't' "enjoy" the quiet. Without discussing too much let's just say, "quiet" is not my "happy place".

And I think, that those better than I who I have seen fall....may have had the same defect.

But really that "have to love your self..." line...it's a load of crap. It really is. The way we view ourselves is via the mirror of others. Unless you are very anti social or have an ego the size of a small 747 that's the rule by which we live life.
Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay.

The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools!

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Unless you are very anti social or have an ego the size of a small 747 that's the rule by which we live life.

Nope. I'm neither, and I also enjoy quiet time, as does my husband. I'm exhausted after a big noisy party.

Nothing wrong with being someone who likes a lot of company, either. But find other ways to get that company -- go out drinking with the guys; set up a poker night; join a sports league (volleyball lets you meet hot women and go out drinking afterwards -- is this a great sport or what!).

If you want action, you have to go where the action is. Nothing will be perfect right off the bat, you have to make it a part of you.

Of course, then when you do find someone, she may want you to give that up for her :ph34r:

Wendy P.
There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

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>But really that "have to love your self..." line...it's a load of crap. It really
>is. The way we view ourselves is via the mirror of others.

That's the way most people start out. But you have to grow beyond that, and get to the point where your self worth is not dependent on the opinions of others.

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Nope. I'm neither, and I also enjoy quiet time, as does my husband. I'm exhausted after a big noisy party.



Me too - I love the balance of quiet time and social time that I have with my SO.

This thread reminds me of an IM conversation I had last night with a single male friend (who, btw, is a very cool guy that I would - and have - set up with a friend)

J: outta here.
J: Hot date
K: do tell
J: Not much to tell yet.
K: have fun :)
J: thanks.
K: i've just got a trip to costco. not nearly as exciting
J: You can always "pick something up" there. ;)
K: LOL
K: actually, i'll take costco over being back on the dating scene.
J: yeah, i can understand that.

Waking up this morning and reading this thread only confirms that sentiment. :D
"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." -P.J. O'Rourke

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Wendy,
Thanks, yeah I know what you mean about "going where the action is".
Let's be honest this sport or any other sport I currently participate in really set up for the single dude life.
Old ladies in Yoga, no ladies on motorcycles and well even less in the sky. And let's face it, in the end it's just a numbers game.

And my currently accommodations are in "old lady land" doesn't help out the numbers much further more I'm unable to sell due to the potential of a solid $40k loss...which sort of stinks.

So it takes significant levels of energy to push up and push out.
I use to think that "those guys" had no self respect for "settling" but maybe they just got tired. Ran out of steam. Sat down.

Wendy, I don't think you women really get "it" but....well I don't want to ever be "that guy" who one day has that look. That look that says "Maybe I should have stayed single one day longer, pushed myself a little harder, walked up to one more girl...maybe I would have gotten lucky and found someone who was compatible with me and not just someone who was there at the time." I've only seen one women display that look. And she's 50 and....well she woke up one day and realized....oh god and started hitting on me. That's why I had *NOT for the ladies* on the title. Women for the most part....well....your view of what you want is a bit deeper than mine. I only have 10 things I'm looking for in a partner.

But in men, it happens, I've seen it. Guys taller than me, better looking than me, who make more money and who have better education.....mind you not all of us, don't wish to get the "not me crowd" all up in arms, have sat down. And years later....develop that "look" in their eyes.
Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay.

The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools!

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>Let's be honest this sport or any other sport I currently participate in really
> set up for the single dude life.

Well, if you mean that a good variety of good looking, skinny, successful single women are not lined up for your perusal in those sports/activities, then that's true. If that's what you are looking for, go to a dating service and give them your specifications. You'll have a lot more success there. Give up on all the wasted time, get a second job to pay for the dating service and you'll be a lot happier.

On the other hand, if you like skydiving, yoga etc then do it for that reason.

>well I don't want to ever be "that guy" who one day has that look.

Then never commit to any woman and you won't risk that. Easy.

Of course, you could also end up being the guy who ends up 55 years old who has that look in his eyes. That look that says "Maybe I should have taken that chance, married that woman who I loved, started a family, but I didn't because I was afraid that she might not be perfect and I'd discover I could have done slightly better."

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And years later....develop that "look" in their eyes.



The thousand yard stare that comes from chronic insecurity...

Goes back to being comfortable with yourself, being thoughtlessly confident in your decisions and actions.



If you find yourself dwelling on the 'what ifs' of the past...you handicap the processor capacity regarding the 'what's next'.


In other words, when scraping the pegs through a hair-pin, the last think ya need to do is drive the mirrors!










~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

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It's complicated why I don't' "enjoy" the quiet. Without discussing too much let's just say, "quiet" is not my "happy place".



In that case, you don't need a girlfriend, you need a therapist. I don't mean that as a joke either.

If you have some problem being alone, or being happy by yourself, the answer is not snag a girlfriend to fill the void, the answer is to confront the problem. Why would you want to burden a woman with the task of providing your happiness or security? How about doing them the favor making yourself a stable, complete person who will only add to their life, and not burden them with your problems.

Beyond that, you have developed this criteria for a woman that is very hard for anyone to meet, so in essence you have made it hard for you to meet the woman you feel will secure your hapiness.

Not a joke, and not a suggestion that you have a mental problem, but seek some therapy. The others are right that you need to be happy with yourself, alone, before you can enter into a healthy relationship with any sort of future.

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billvon
I agree, any sport or hobby should be an end in itself and not a means to a given end. All of my hobbies bring me a great deal of joy.

You are also right, one can be that 50yo guy wondering what if I had settled. But better that then trapped? Being single at 50 gives you the option to not be single. Being "locked in", and owning assets and making good money and kids....eat a bullet. It will hurt less.

It's funny, god must really like the ladies. Multiple orgasms? We think so! Need to do very little work to get hit on while picking up a coffee? We think so! Able to harpoon the guy get all you want and in theory live a happy life.....we think so.

At least we can still pee standing up.
Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay.

The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools!

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It's funny, god must really like the ladies. Multiple orgasms? We think so! Need to do very little work to get hit on while picking up a coffee? We think so! Able to harpoon the guy get all you want and in theory live a happy life.....we think so.



You really hate women, don't you? :|
"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." -P.J. O'Rourke

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Of course, you could also end up being the guy who ends up 55 years old who has that look in his eyes. That look that says "Maybe I should have taken that chance, married that woman who I loved, started a family, but I didn't because I was afraid that she might not be perfect and I'd discover I could have done slightly better."




Had lunch a few weeks ago with a good friend my age, that is 'finally' getting re-married after 25 years of being single.

His answer to my 'what brought this on' question, was I thought both QUITE humorous and deep...

"I finally figured out Cindy Crawford if off the market!" :ph34r:










~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

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It's not a competition. Really. And try rec level co-ed volleyball. The numbers HAVE to be at least even -- it's part of the rules. Might be the same for soccer, too. But after a soccer game, you might be too tired to go out (and they take a lot longer). Volleyball is a good alternative. It might not be the first league, but I played for about 15 years and had fun at it.

I think you're more likely to get "that" look if you're trying to find someone to fill a hole in your life. If, instead, you actively make room for someone (big difference), then you're always working at it, and hopefully she will too.

Wendy P.
There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

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It's complicated why I don't' "enjoy" the quiet. Without discussing too much let's just say, "quiet" is not my "happy place".



In that case, you don't need a girlfriend, you need a therapist. I don't mean that as a joke either. .



gawd, I WISH I could find the quiet - I'd enjoy it immensely, but the voices just won't stop telling me to do things. Burn this, don't burn that - I wish they'd just make up my minds

...
Driving is a one dimensional activity - a monkey can do it - being proud of your driving abilities is like being proud of being able to put on pants

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It's funny, god must really like the ladies. Multiple orgasms? We think so! Need to do very little work to get hit on while picking up a coffee? We think so! Able to harpoon the guy get all you want and in theory live a happy life.....we think so.



You really hate women, don't you? :|

WHERE DID YOU GET THAT FROM?
If anything I'm envious!

Shucks! Must you always read the negative in all hat I say? I bet you would be pissed if I wrote something about the color of the sky!

Wow!

As for my "chriteria" it's written on my kitchen wall. No one who has seen it has ever accused me of being unreasonable. A few giggles sure, but that's due to the reruireent to not be allergic to the cats.
But nope, it's not a 50 page thousand point regurement. I'm actually kind of easy.

I think most of "this" has to do with where I am.
I need to unload my condo, new job....aka new life. Maybe that's why people sit. I'm looking at a solid $40k loss for the condo and well who wants to leave one secure job for one that isn't just to meet new people? Looking at all that....maybe it would be easier to just sit. [:/]
Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay.

The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools!

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You are also right, one can be that 50yo guy wondering what if I had settled. But better that then trapped? Being single at 50 gives you the option to not be single. Being "locked in", and owning assets and making good money and kids....eat a bullet. It will hurt less.



Anybody ever tell ya you're a 'glass half empty' kinda guy? :S

My life philosophy role model and long time 'faithful Indian friend' explained to me once long ago how he stays so upbeat, positive and happy... no matter what life throws at him~

"You're either the water or the rock" ...&... "Life's too short to waste time thinking" B|










~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

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It's funny, god must really like the ladies. Multiple orgasms? We think so! Need to do very little work to get hit on while picking up a coffee? We think so! Able to harpoon the guy get all you want and in theory live a happy life.....we think so.



You really hate women, don't you? :|

WHERE DID YOU GET THAT FROM?
If anything I'm envious!


My bad, actually based on what we know about you, it really does make perfect sense that you would envy those exact things. :)
"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." -P.J. O'Rourke

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You really hate women, don't you? :|


WHERE DID YOU GET THAT FROM?
If anything I'm envious!

My bad, actually based on what we know about you, it really does make perfect sense that you would envy those exact things. :)
Well yeah girl! I mean let's be honest. In the world we live in, girls aren't really going to be hitting on too many guys. Most if not all the "risk" is on us guys.
So you see what I'm saying? I have to "work" to walk up and hit that perfect line just right from the moment I say Hi to get a relationship going. And odds are 95% of the time I will get shot down.
But such is life. Yet it would be nice if were at least some what even right? Shared risk? Equality? All those other very nice words we say but seem to never think too hard about. So yeah, the creator did make life a little easier for you girls.

And yeah, sadly, over the past year I have been a glass half empty kind of dude....I shouldn't be.
I have great friends, an ok life but......I worry about loosing that energy that drive......and sitting down.

Target fixation?
Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay.

The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools!

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>In the world we live in, girls aren't really going to be hitting on too many guys.

In the world I live in, women do hit on guys they're interested in. Good looking women (and good looking guys) do have it a lot easier, but that's both a blessing and a curse.

>I have to "work" to walk up and hit that perfect line just right from the
>moment I say Hi . . .

Again, in my world, when someone walks up to me and hands me a perfect line - or when a guy walks up to a woman and hands her a perfect line - that's a negative overall. It makes women think that you're, well, handing them a line. It makes them think that you are more interested in scoring than in talking to them, that the hunt is more important than communication.

Try just talking to someone who interests you, and talk about what interests you about them. And if nothing interests you other than their boobs, then just look at their boobs and don't waste time talking to them.

>Yet it would be nice if were at least some what even right? Shared risk?
>Equality? All those other very nice words we say but seem to never think
>too hard about.

It sounds an awful lot like you are the one not thinking about them. Your view of the world seems to come more from TV than from talking with other people.

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In the world I live in, women do hit on guys they're interested in



Cool so it's me....well that's nice to know.
I'm Fugly and have no game and smell funny and an a horrible person....ok thanks! Good to know! High five!
Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay.

The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools!

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>Being single at 50 gives you the option to not be single. Being "locked in",
> and owning assets and making good money and kids....eat a bullet. It >will hurt less.

If you really think living with a woman who is not 100% of what you like will be a fate worse than death, and would really prefer the freedom to do whatever you want, then the solution is simple - never commit to any woman. Date a lot. Do what you're doing now.

But if you do decide to do that, stop complaining about it. Live your life the way you've chosen to, and accept the choices you've made. Those difficult-to-harpoon women you target tend not to like complainers.

>Multiple orgasms? We think so! Need to do very little work to get hit on
>while picking up a coffee? We think so!

I like not bleeding every month and being able to pee standing up. But everyone's different.

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