DivaSkyChick 0 #1 September 3, 2003 As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the survival guide for taking a dump at the office. CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants. FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be minimized with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a same-sex pooper entering your bathroom. TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire. UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees. --- www.facebook.com/mandyhamptonfitch Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
wlie 0 #2 September 3, 2003 Speaking of work place pooping, take some peanut butter and spread on TP. Then drop it near a stall and observe how long it stays thereMy other ride is the relative wind. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bmcd308 0 #3 September 3, 2003 That is great. Pooping away from home is one of my big hangups - it comes from going on a 5-day caving trip in high school. ---------------------------------- www.jumpelvis.com Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
prepheckt 0 #4 September 3, 2003 Quotecaving trip in high school. This sounds like one of those....So there I was stories....."Dancing Argentine Tango is like doing calculus with your feet." -9 toes Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
GiaKrembs 0 #5 September 3, 2003 g Raddest ho this side of Jersey #1 - rest in peace brother Beth lost her cherry and I missed it .... you want access to it, but you don't want to break it. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
r2hubert 0 #6 September 3, 2003 I'm laughing so hard right now.... -- Renaud SMA #9 "Mind is like parachute. It only functions when it's open." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jessefs 0 #7 September 3, 2003 What's wrong with you people, pooping at work is great!! Almost as good a time waster as dz.com, just bring along your Parachutist and you can waste a good 30-45 minutes in the crapper! <* Spread the Love! *> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Yoshi 0 #8 September 3, 2003 then of course you have your ice berg poops that stick out of the water when you are done, the beast poops that after you flush leave claw marks as if it was tring to hold on and not go down, and one of my favorites the lasso haggus....the kind of poop that you want to find a string, tie it on to the poop, and jsut walk away. -yoshi_________________________________________ this space for rent. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
DivaSkyChick 0 #9 September 3, 2003 HAH! --- www.facebook.com/mandyhamptonfitch Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RichM 0 #10 September 3, 2003 And the very rare broom handle - so stiff and long it just won't go round the bend no matter how often you flush. Rich M Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jessefs 0 #11 September 3, 2003 What about the GHOST poop? You think you have a record breaker but upon peering into the bowl for a visual confirmation, you find no trace of anything that has left your body, not even a brown streak on the side...how depressing <* Spread the Love! *> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Yoshi 0 #12 September 3, 2003 and then there is the projectile poop when you've got a great big whopping fart behind the poop and you swear afterwards that when you stand up the porcelin is going to be cracked.... those are always great. speaking of the ghost poop though, usually at work they have that john wayne toilet paper (its rough, tough and doesnt take crap off of anyone) so those are nice.. -yoshi_________________________________________ this space for rent. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RichM 0 #13 September 3, 2003 Haha Or the Jet Ranger, forced out at 100mph by a fart - always creates a Watermelon Rich M Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jessefs 0 #14 September 3, 2003 One thats never nice would have to be the SUMO poop where you just have to wonder how in the HELL it ever got out....and women say men will never know what it feels like to give birth..HA! <* Spread the Love! *> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Yoshi 0 #15 September 3, 2003 yeah I know the feeling when youre in a business meeting, having contractions, crowning, and you still have 30 min left before you can get out of there.. -yoshi_________________________________________ this space for rent. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jessefs 0 #16 September 3, 2003 Where was it that I hear the term "prairie doggin"? That cracked me up! <* Spread the Love! *> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
misskriss 0 #17 September 3, 2003 OMG>........ Thanks for the laugh... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites kai2k1 0 #18 September 3, 2003 ROFLMAO!!! this is the funniest thing ive heard in a week!!! EXCELLENT!! There's no truer sense of flying than sky diving," Scott Cowan Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites emartin 0 #19 September 4, 2003 read this list on another website and laughed and laughed. everybody poops. the website also had a forum somewhat like ours just full of scatological weirdos that were all sexual or uncomfortably fixated about their poop...i had to stop reading after the second post...it creeped me out. all that aside...i have no problems posted about poop here, for some reason. my friends and i have ways of describing work poops that include: -the turtlehead in a blender: when you have turtlehead, sit down to take care of it and it starts out okay, but then ends in a horrible episode of diarrhea. -b.o.d. poop: broken off poop. when you have poop just sticking out your butt and have to wipe something like 2,347 times to get yourself all clean. (wipe until it's white, right, bruce?) (the rest from other sources..) CLEAN POOP: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper. SECOND WAVE POOP: This happens when you're done pooping, have pulled your underwear up to your knees and you realize you have to poopie some more. POP-A-VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOP: The kind where you strain so hard you practically have a stroke. LINCOLN LOG POOP: This kind of poopie is so huge, you are afraid to flush without breaking it up with your pencil. GASSEY POOP: It is so noisy that everyone within earshot is giggling. DRINKER POOP: The kind of poopie you have after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks at the bottom of the toilet bowl. CORN POOP: (self explanatory) GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOP POOP: The kind where you want to poopie but all you could do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times. SPINAL TAP POOP: This kind hurts so bad coming out, you swear it is leaving sideways. WET CHEEKS POOP (aka POWER DUMP): The kind that comes out so fast, your behind is splashed with toilet water. LIQUID POOP: The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out and splashes all over the toilet bowl and you. UPPER CLASS POOP: The kind of poopie that does not smell. SUPRISE POOP: You are not even at the toilet because you are positive you will only fart, but...(oops!) a poopie. DANGLING POOP: This poopie refuses to drop even though you know you are done pooping. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose. ATOMIC POOP: The kind that burns on the way out and it still burns hours after you poopie. then there's the euphemisms for pooping like: -brown dog barking at the back door -dropping the kids off at the pool anyone know any others? (so glad i could get all this out here and not have to join the weirdos at the poop forum .) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites jmpnkramer 0 #20 September 4, 2003 Quotethen there's the euphemisms for pooping like: -brown dog barking at the back door -dropping the kids off at the pool anyone know any others? The one used in the Airborne Community, "JUMPER in the DOOR!!" Laters, KRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMER!!!!!The REAL KRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMER! "HESITATION CAUSES DEATH!!!" "Be Slow to Fall into Friendship; but when Thou Art in, Continue Firm & Constant." - SOCRATES Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites MochaSkyChick 0 #21 September 4, 2003 ROTFL! PMS #62 Zarza R[red Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites falxori 0 #22 September 4, 2003 QuoteWATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUG watermelons can be avoided by a good, thick layer of TP that will soften the impact... O "Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Layton 0 #23 September 6, 2003 ok foks ive read this and laughed my butt off but i have to say a few things about this. i am a federal employee and i am a janitor. there are some things that need to be said so im gonna say em.first. womens bathrooms are worse than mens bathrooms.its a given that men pee where they look.i cant understand how women can pee all over the stool and down the wall too. i know when to keep my mouth shut because i clean all the cranky hanky hampers. there is always some kind soul that brings some kind of spray in and sets it down for peple to use. dont spray this stuff because all you do is leave a sent of shitty smelling flowers for the next person. you took a dump so own up to it and go on.and then there is the person who when they see that i am about to clean a bathroom always say hey let me take a shit first before you clean that. wouldnt you rather take a shit in a clean bathroom?and with all the pubic hairs i have to clean up.WAX !!!!!!!!everybody WAX !!!! and toilet paper is not kleenex. ask for kleenex. dont roll half a roll out just to blow snot into it.well thats all i can think of right now. blues.***if you are going to be stupid you better be tough Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites racer42 0 #24 September 6, 2003 I never would have thought I could learn so much in one posting. Isn't the internet a technological marvel!L.A.S.T. #24 Co-Founder Biscuit Brothers Freefly Team Electric Toaster #3 Co-Founder Team Non Sequitor Co-Founder Team Happy Sock Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites monkey1031 0 #25 September 6, 2003 Dropzone.com..... You learn more here by accident than anywhere else by intent. smd7 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Prev 1 2 Next Page 1 of 2 Join the conversation You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account. Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible. Reply to this topic... × Pasted as rich text. Paste as plain text instead Only 75 emoji are allowed. × Your link has been automatically embedded. Display as a link instead × Your previous content has been restored. Clear editor × You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL. Insert image from URL × Desktop Tablet Phone Submit Reply 0
kai2k1 0 #18 September 3, 2003 ROFLMAO!!! this is the funniest thing ive heard in a week!!! EXCELLENT!! There's no truer sense of flying than sky diving," Scott Cowan Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
emartin 0 #19 September 4, 2003 read this list on another website and laughed and laughed. everybody poops. the website also had a forum somewhat like ours just full of scatological weirdos that were all sexual or uncomfortably fixated about their poop...i had to stop reading after the second post...it creeped me out. all that aside...i have no problems posted about poop here, for some reason. my friends and i have ways of describing work poops that include: -the turtlehead in a blender: when you have turtlehead, sit down to take care of it and it starts out okay, but then ends in a horrible episode of diarrhea. -b.o.d. poop: broken off poop. when you have poop just sticking out your butt and have to wipe something like 2,347 times to get yourself all clean. (wipe until it's white, right, bruce?) (the rest from other sources..) CLEAN POOP: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper. SECOND WAVE POOP: This happens when you're done pooping, have pulled your underwear up to your knees and you realize you have to poopie some more. POP-A-VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOP: The kind where you strain so hard you practically have a stroke. LINCOLN LOG POOP: This kind of poopie is so huge, you are afraid to flush without breaking it up with your pencil. GASSEY POOP: It is so noisy that everyone within earshot is giggling. DRINKER POOP: The kind of poopie you have after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks at the bottom of the toilet bowl. CORN POOP: (self explanatory) GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOP POOP: The kind where you want to poopie but all you could do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times. SPINAL TAP POOP: This kind hurts so bad coming out, you swear it is leaving sideways. WET CHEEKS POOP (aka POWER DUMP): The kind that comes out so fast, your behind is splashed with toilet water. LIQUID POOP: The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out and splashes all over the toilet bowl and you. UPPER CLASS POOP: The kind of poopie that does not smell. SUPRISE POOP: You are not even at the toilet because you are positive you will only fart, but...(oops!) a poopie. DANGLING POOP: This poopie refuses to drop even though you know you are done pooping. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose. ATOMIC POOP: The kind that burns on the way out and it still burns hours after you poopie. then there's the euphemisms for pooping like: -brown dog barking at the back door -dropping the kids off at the pool anyone know any others? (so glad i could get all this out here and not have to join the weirdos at the poop forum .) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jmpnkramer 0 #20 September 4, 2003 Quotethen there's the euphemisms for pooping like: -brown dog barking at the back door -dropping the kids off at the pool anyone know any others? The one used in the Airborne Community, "JUMPER in the DOOR!!" Laters, KRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMER!!!!!The REAL KRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMER! "HESITATION CAUSES DEATH!!!" "Be Slow to Fall into Friendship; but when Thou Art in, Continue Firm & Constant." - SOCRATES Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
MochaSkyChick 0 #21 September 4, 2003 ROTFL! PMS #62 Zarza R[red Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
falxori 0 #22 September 4, 2003 QuoteWATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUG watermelons can be avoided by a good, thick layer of TP that will soften the impact... O "Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Layton 0 #23 September 6, 2003 ok foks ive read this and laughed my butt off but i have to say a few things about this. i am a federal employee and i am a janitor. there are some things that need to be said so im gonna say em.first. womens bathrooms are worse than mens bathrooms.its a given that men pee where they look.i cant understand how women can pee all over the stool and down the wall too. i know when to keep my mouth shut because i clean all the cranky hanky hampers. there is always some kind soul that brings some kind of spray in and sets it down for peple to use. dont spray this stuff because all you do is leave a sent of shitty smelling flowers for the next person. you took a dump so own up to it and go on.and then there is the person who when they see that i am about to clean a bathroom always say hey let me take a shit first before you clean that. wouldnt you rather take a shit in a clean bathroom?and with all the pubic hairs i have to clean up.WAX !!!!!!!!everybody WAX !!!! and toilet paper is not kleenex. ask for kleenex. dont roll half a roll out just to blow snot into it.well thats all i can think of right now. blues.***if you are going to be stupid you better be tough Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
racer42 0 #24 September 6, 2003 I never would have thought I could learn so much in one posting. Isn't the internet a technological marvel!L.A.S.T. #24 Co-Founder Biscuit Brothers Freefly Team Electric Toaster #3 Co-Founder Team Non Sequitor Co-Founder Team Happy Sock Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
monkey1031 0 #25 September 6, 2003 Dropzone.com..... You learn more here by accident than anywhere else by intent. smd7 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
