How do you handle a cheating parent?

[npgraphicdesign 3]

Never thought I would be dealing with this, but I caught my step-father cheating. He doesn't know it yet, & without getting into how the proof came into my possession, it's 100% spelled out that he's cheating. Asking another woman for sex and telling her you're in love with her is cheating in my book!

My thought was to ask him to meet me for a drink this weekend, outside of the house, so we're in a public place, and pretty much ask him "Who is such and such and what's your relationship with her?" and let him do the talking. Then I would give him a day or two to show me some sort of proof that he has called it off, that it's over, and that he would swear never to cheat again. Not sure what other kind of 'proof' I can ask from him to show me that it's over, but that's the plan so far.

My mom already has enough stress in her life from him; she's also having a tough time with her mom (my grandma) who's 87 and in not so fantastic health. I an very close with mom & want to keep her out of it, if I can help it. But if he denies cheating, and refuses to break it off, should I ignore it? Should I go to her? Should I talk to the other woman and tell HER to break it off?

Suggestions would be appreciated...

[LisaH 0]

I caught my step-dad cheating in their bed.
Even though he threatened to kill me, I told my mom.

She is now out of an abusive relationship and I've been trying to make life happy for her.
Say something!!!!

Be yourself!
MooOOooOoo

[galvar2439 0]

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Never thought I would be dealing with this, but I caught my step-father cheating. He doesn't know it yet, & without getting into how the proof came into my possession, it's 100% spelled out that he's cheating. Asking another woman for sex and telling her you're in love with her is cheating in my book!

My thought was to ask him to meet me for a drink this weekend, outside of the house, so we're in a public place, and pretty much ask him "Who is such and such and what's your relationship with her?" and let him do the talking. Then I would give him a day or two to show me some sort of proof that he has called it off, that it's over, and that he would swear never to cheat again. Not sure what other kind of 'proof' I can ask from him to show me that it's over, but that's the plan so far.

My mom already has enough stress in her life from him; she's also having a tough time with her mom (my grandma) who's 87 and in not so fantastic health. I an very close with mom & want to keep her out of it, if I can help it. But if he denies cheating, and refuses to break it off, should I ignore it? Should I go to her? Should I talk to the other woman and tell HER to break it off?

Suggestions would be appreciated...

Dont be silly, you have to tell her

So i just broke up with this woman who wasn't even my girlfriend!

Hellfish #782, POPS #10664

[npgraphicdesign 3]

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I caught my step-dad cheating in their bed.
Even though he threatened to kill me, I told my mom.

She is now out of an abusive relationship and I've been trying to make life happy for her.
Say something!!!!

To her or to him? I really want to keep her out of it, AS LONG as I can get some sort of proof he WILL stop what he's doing. If I have to, I'll go to the other woman first to tell her to stop, before I go to my mom.

[AggieDave 6]

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as I can get some sort of proof he WILL stop what he's doing

Are you serious or just living in a delusional dream world?

Think about what you're saying and what you've learned in your life about people.

--"When I die, may I be surrounded by scattered chrome and burning gasoline."

[LisaH 0]

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I caught my step-dad cheating in their bed.
Even though he threatened to kill me, I told my mom.

She is now out of an abusive relationship and I've been trying to make life happy for her.
Say something!!!!

To her or to him? I really want to keep her out of it, AS LONG as I can get some sort of proof he WILL stop what he's doing. If I have to, I'll go to the other woman first to tell her to stop, before I go to my mom.

I told him I was going to tell her. And I did.

Not telling your mom isn't sparing her. She needs to know the truth.

Cheating is a form of abuse. He knows you have proof. You don't need pictures.

Edited to add: Saying something to the 'other woman' won't do any good. She doesn't care.

Be yourself!
MooOOooOoo

[Jewels 0]

Even if you can protect your mother by protecting her from the knowledge of THIS affair, you can't be your stepfather's chaperone and monitor. If he's having an affair, there's a bigger problem than just the affair. She should have the chance to address it.

TPM Sister #102

[lawrocket 3]

In these days telling your mother may be the equivalent of saving her life. Be there to help her and support her with anything she decides.

My wife is hotter than your wife.

[LadiDadi 0]

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I really want to keep her out of it

Guess what?

She's already in it. Whether she knows it or not.

If you don't tell her and she finds out about it on her own (or some other way) and finds out that you knew about it...

That is a FAR bigger betrayal than that of a cheating spouse. You are her child. Protecting her means that you tell her the truth so she can make sure that this guy no longer plays her for a fool.

He's cheating on her; that's lying to her. If you choose to withold this from her then you are lying to her as well.

If you can't laugh at yourself, I'll be happy to do it for you.
****************************
Be like the cupcake and suck it up.

[Conundrum 1]

Tell him if he doesn't tell her, you will. What a bastard.

[LisaH 0]

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Even if you can protect your mother by protecting her from the knowledge of THIS affair, you can't be your stepfather's chaperone and monitor. If he's having an affair, there's a bigger problem than just the affair. She should have the chance to address it.

He's dead now so she's safe from all harm.

Be yourself!
MooOOooOoo

[skymama 37]

If you suspect that he's actually had sex with another woman, your mom needs to know so she can be tested for STD's.

I would tell him that he has 48 hours to confess or else you're going to do it yourself. That way, you have a chance of not upsetting your mother yourself. Either way, it's going to be difficult, good luck to you.

She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man,
because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon

[Baksteen 84]

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To her or to him? I really want to keep her out of it, AS LONG as I can get some sort of proof he WILL stop what he's doing. If I have to, I'll go to the other woman first to tell her to stop, before I go to my mom.

Once a cheat, always a cheat.
What about the next affair you'll not know about?
Talking to the other woman as well may work, as he might be lying to her too, but do tell your mother first.

"That formation-stuff in freefall is just fun and games but with an open parachute it's starting to sound like, you know, an extreme sport."
~mom

[Andy9o8 2]

I agree with everyone's advice above.
But first: I suggest you make copies of your proof and give them to a friend/relative, or put them in a location where nobody else can find them (away from your residence), with instructions to your friend/relative on how to retrieve them. When you make it known (to either stepfather or mom) what you know, make it clear that you have copies that will see the light of day if it comes to that. At the very least, it will protect the evidence. If need be, it may help to protect both your mom and you.

[npgraphicdesign 3]

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I agree with everyone's advice above.
But first: I suggest you make copies of your proof and give them to a friend/relative, or put them in a location where nobody else can find them (away from your residence), with instructions to your friend/relative on how to retrieve them. When you make it known (to either stepfather or mom) what you know, make it clear that you have copies that will see the light of day if it comes to that. At the very least, it will protect the evidence. If need be, it may help to protect both your mom and you.

You're saying that I shouldn't just talk to him, but also tell him that either he tells her or i will, within a certain time? There are other complications here, and due to those very complications I really want to keep her out of this. THe proof that I have doesn't directly state that they've had physical contact, but it does clearly show him asking for it and telling her he's in love with her. To me that's cheating, even if there was no physical contact.

[mrwrong 0]

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I agree with everyone's advice above.
But first: I suggest you make copies of your proof and give them to a friend/relative, or put them in a location where nobody else can find them (away from your residence), with instructions to your friend/relative on how to retrieve them. When you make it known (to either stepfather or mom) what you know, make it clear that you have copies that will see the light of day if it comes to that. At the very least, it will protect the evidence. If need be, it may help to protect both your mom and you.

You're saying that I shouldn't just talk to him, but also tell him that either he tells her or i will, within a certain time? There are other complications here, and due to those very complications I really want to keep her out of this. THe proof that I have doesn't directly state that they've had physical contact, but it does clearly show him asking for it and telling her he's in love with her. To me that's cheating, even if there was no physical contact.

I don't even think you should give him any time. Just tell him that you've got proof of what he is doing and if he doesn't confess to your mother right away you will tell her and present the proof.

He is a prick for having an affair and he doesn't deserve any better than this!!!

“The sum of intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.” - George Bernard Shaw
He who dies with the most toys, wins.....
dudeist skydiver # 19515
Buy quality and cry once!

[Andy9o8 2]

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I agree with everyone's advice above.
But first: I suggest you make copies of your proof and give them to a friend/relative, or put them in a location where nobody else can find them (away from your residence), with instructions to your friend/relative on how to retrieve them. When you make it known (to either stepfather or mom) what you know, make it clear that you have copies that will see the light of day if it comes to that. At the very least, it will protect the evidence. If need be, it may help to protect both your mom and you.

You're saying that I shouldn't just talk to him, but also tell him that either he tells her or i will, within a certain time? There are other complications here, and due to those very complications I really want to keep her out of this. THe proof that I have doesn't directly state that they've had physical contact, but it does clearly show him asking for it and telling her he's in love with her. To me that's cheating, even if there was no physical contact.

Not exactly. What I'm saying simply is that before you tell either him or Mom, first protect the evidence, Mom and you in the manner I suggested.

[davelepka 4]

That sucks.

You're a female, right? I'd say when you meet him for a drink, bring a male friend along just to keep him 'honest'.

Confront the guy, and give him a chance to explain as this may be a misunderstanding on your part. However, keep in mind that if this is a misunderstanding, he'll immediately have an iron clad explanation as to what's really going on.

If he doesn't, or parts of his story don't add up, that your suspicions are most likely correct.

Give him a day or two to come clean to your mom, or you're going to have to do it. She deserves to know what sort of guy she's with, and the possibility of catching an STD.

I know it sucks to have to tell her, but you can't trust this guy to clean up his act. After all, this is the same guy who's cheating on your mom while she's pre-occupied taking care of her sick, aging mother. What a dick.

I could understand, if say, this guy was killed and you later found out he cheated on your mom. That's a contained situation, and if your mom had cherished memories of the man, there's no reason to tarnish that. In this case, however, she deserves to be aware of the situation, and from the standpoint of preserving her health, she needs to know.

It's just one of those shitty situations. There's nothing good about it, and no easy way to handle it.

[peregrinerose 0]

People are stronger and more resilient than we sometimes credit them for.... your mom deserves to know, for you to hide this from your mom makes you an accomplice to the cheating behavior. Tell her the truth, show her the evidence, it's her marriage... not yours.... she should be given the right to deal with it as SHE sees fit, not what you think is appropriate (providing proof of no more cheating).

Do or do not, there is no try -Yoda

[tigra 0]

She has a right to know. He SHOULD be the one to tell her, but if he won't, then you should. She'll thank you for it eventually.

[AliMac 0]

My situation was a little different... my mom told me that she had filed the papers for divorce and that my dad would be served the following evening.. she asked me not to say anything to him. I felt terrible, I was there when the papers came and a few hours later confessed to him that I knew they were coming and that was why i had stayed home with him that night. He wasn't mad but I felt like i had betrayed him by not saying anything to him about it before hand.

your mom has the right to know whats going on... give him a chance to tell her whats going on and if he doesn't you should. Its been almost a year for me and I still feel terrible...

[Lastchance 0]

Just what could he say or do that would prove to you that he wouldn't continue? I think you're being naive here. I think I would tell him he has the chance to tell your mom and if he doesn't, you will. I know you want to protect your mothers feelings but if he says he'll stop and then doesn't it will be worse down the road and you will feel worse because you could have stopped it earlier on. JMO. Hope it works out for the best.

I may be getting old but I got to see all the cool bands.

[Jewels 0]

I know that not everyone would feel the same way I do, but even if I was going through a tough time, I would rather know what was going on if my (hypothetical) husband was cheating on me. It would be worse for me to discover later that I was the only one in the dark about what was happening, and as people have already pointed out, there are several practical reasons why she should know about this as well.

TPM Sister #102

[Darius11 12]

Tell your mother what you know. That’s not really a choice it is your responsibility. What happens after that is up to her trying to get in a middle of a relationship is never a good idea. Maybe they have an agreement that you don’t know about. All you can do is tell your mom the truth. It will not be easy but doing the right thing never is. By not telling her you might save her some hearth ache but you will also prevent her from learning from her experience.

Good luck.

I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not." - Kurt Cobain

[Bolas 5]

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My situation was a little different... my mom told me that she had filed the papers for divorce and that my dad would be served the following evening.. she asked me not to say anything to him.

Did you find out or did she just tell you? If she just told you that really sucks your mom used you like that.

To the OP: Trying to "protect" someone is the quickest way to pave that road to hell...

Stupidity if left untreated is self-correcting
If ya can't be good, look good, if that fails, make 'em laugh.