klingeme 1 #51 September 19, 2008 Ever hear about the one time a baby seal walked into a club....... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BillyVance 34 #52 September 19, 2008 Quote Every hear about the one time a baby seal walked into a club....... the seal said "ow!"? "Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dixiegypsy 0 #53 September 19, 2008 a pick-up line: "I love you enough to share my breath with you." I laughed. I still laugh when I think of it! "Love all. Trust few. Do wrong to none." -Shakespeare Gold Coast Skydivers Pink Mafia #176 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
normiss 798 #54 September 19, 2008 Asian chick with one leg shorter than the other? Irene Asian couple making love when the man says "I want a 69" The woman says "Why you want a beef and brocorri NOW?" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TKE_440 0 #55 September 19, 2008 If a transvestite goes missing, do they put his (her?) picture on a carton of Half & Half? *pick up lines* (They work all the time) You want to go halves in on a bastard? Let's flip a coin! Heads at my place, tail at yours! "You wanna fuck..." (Face of disgust) "...ing drink. You didn't let me finish!" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pirana 0 #56 September 19, 2008 1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. 3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still. 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption. 5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work. 6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. 12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.' 14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass.' 16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.' 17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it. 19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 21. A backward poet writes inverse. 22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. 23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects! Stop groaning. You asked for worst and corny." . . . the lust for power can be just as completely satisfied by suggesting people into loving their servitude as by flogging them and kicking them into obedience." -- Aldous Huxley Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bolas 5 #57 September 19, 2008 Whacky charges: Bill got arrested for giving his parrot beer: Contributing to the delinquency of a myna. Susan got arrested for doing calculus while drunk: Drinking and deriving. Three guys were arrested for indecent exposure: The first got off for lack of evidence. The second got off because the evidence wouldn't stand up in court. The third however was convicted and sentenced to drinking Windex... to prevent streaking. DUI - Charleston, South Carolina Style Only a person in Charleston could think of this. From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story: Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Charleston , SC. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.' 'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Redneck. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'Stupidity if left untreated is self-correcting If ya can't be good, look good, if that fails, make 'em laugh. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Brains 2 #58 September 19, 2008 What is orange and souds like a parrot? A Carrot! Never look down on someone, unless they are going down on you. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Shell666 0 #59 September 19, 2008 What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley ----- What's orange and fights crime? Steve McCarrot'Shell Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Conundrum 1 #60 September 19, 2008 A grasshopper sits down at a bar. The bartender comes over and says "Hey! We have a drink named after you!". The grasshopper says: "You have a drink named Steve?" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Conundrum 1 #61 September 19, 2008 A priest, an alcoholic, and a child molester walk into a bar. And that's just the first guy! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BillyVance 34 #62 September 19, 2008 Quote A priest, an alcoholic, and a child molester walk into a bar. And that's just the first guy! BA DUM BUM!! (groan) "Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
taylor.freefall 0 #63 September 19, 2008 How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry It! What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side. What are the three fastest means of communication? 1) Internet 2) Telephone 3) Telawoman How are fat girls and mopeds alike? They're both fun to ride until your friends find out. What should you give a woman who has everything? A man to show her how to work it. Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist? Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up? Because they don't have balls to scratch. Why did God create woman ? To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet. Why do women fake orgasms ? Because they think men care. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? Made her chain too long How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...' How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, he'll shut up once you let him in. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.. It's called a Wedding Cake. Why do men die before their wives? They want to. Women will never be equal to men... until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
happythoughts 0 #64 September 19, 2008 Quote Sung to the tune of Puff the Mighty Dragon: If anyone doesn't know the tune, just did out your Peter, Paul, and Mary CDs. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JT3P 0 #65 September 19, 2008 What do you say to woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you done told her twice! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyMcSwervy 0 #66 September 20, 2008 Quote What do you say to woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you done told her twice! Here's one just as un-politically correct: What's the first thing a woman should do when she leaves the battered woman's shelter? The dishes if she knows what's good for her!Always be kinder than you feel. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyMcSwervy 0 #67 September 20, 2008 Why do all brides smile on their wedding day? Because they know they've given their last blowjob! Always be kinder than you feel. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bolas 5 #68 September 20, 2008 Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. 'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league. When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?' 'I recognize her, she's the w aitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.' A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?' Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it . She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.' Bob's funeral will be on Friday. ******** A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?' He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.' ************** When asked by a stranger if i was a leg or breast man I answered that I had a particular fondness for hairy fannies. He then informed me that this wasn't an option when choosing a KFC bargain bucket. ************* Your application to join an online dating agency has been rejected. One of the questions was: 'What do you like most in a woman?' 'My Dick' is not an appropriate answer!Stupidity if left untreated is self-correcting If ya can't be good, look good, if that fails, make 'em laugh. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,354 #69 September 20, 2008 What do you call a [woman] waitress with one leg shorter than the other? Ilene! Where does she work? IHOP Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
npgraphicdesign 3 #70 September 20, 2008 Quote What do you call a [woman] waitress with one leg shorter than the other? Ilene! Where does she work? IHOP You just screwed up a great joke...The REAL joke... Q. If a girl with big breasts works at Hooters, where does a girl with one leg work? A. IHOP. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
flyhi 24 #71 September 20, 2008 Why do Junior Leaguers hate orgies? All those thank you notes.Shit happens. And it usually happens because of physics. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
akarunway 1 #72 September 21, 2008 QuoteWhat do you say to woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you done told her twice!Man. I got a bunch of NASTY PMs when I posted that joke awhile back. Good luck.I hold it true, whate'er befall; I feel it, when I sorrow most; 'Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
akarunway 1 #73 September 21, 2008 A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" "My wife's." "What happened to her?" The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men. "Can I borrow the dog?" "Get in line."I hold it true, whate'er befall; I feel it, when I sorrow most; 'Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
gonzalesna 0 #74 September 21, 2008 "Why don't you make like a tree and get the fuck out of here!"Some people refrain from beating a dead horse. Personally, I find a myriad of entertainment value when beating it until it becomes a horse-smoothie. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
freefal 0 #75 September 22, 2008 What’s black and blue and afraid of sex? The chick I've got in my trunk. "Ignorance is bliss" and "Patience is a virtue"... So if you're stupid and don't mind waiting around for a while, I guess you can have a pretty good life! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
