Radiance 0 #1 August 16, 2008 At a party last night, a group of us got into a "spirited" debate that made me start wondering. One side said that if you leave it up to a man, he'll never propose, and men only proprose because you've given, or they sense you're about to give, an ultimatum. Basically, they propose to shut you up. The other side said that was the way to drive a man AWAY. So, married people (current or past), spill it. How did the decision to get married transpire? Mutual agreement? Because of pressure? Afraid of losing the other one? It doesn't just have to be men, it can go both ways, I"m sure. Why did you propose or accept a proposal of marriage?We should not let our fears hold us back from pursuing our hopes. -- John Fitzgerald Kennedy. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyMcSwervy 0 #2 August 16, 2008 Quote One side said that if you leave it up to a man, he'll never propose, and men only proprose because you've given, or they sense you're about to give, an ultimatum. Basically, they propose to shut you up. Why did you propose or accept a proposal of marriage? I gave my ex-husband a passive aggressive ultimatum - I broke up with him and started to date someone else. I was in the 'baby fever - my cousins are all married mode', I was 32, and that's when I finally said enough of his stalling, I cutaway (haha). Then he showed up teary eyed on my doorstep one night asking me to take him back and he'll make it right. He asked me to give him a couple of months so he could get everything in order, research and buy a ring, etc. In hindsight, if he didn't propose in those almost 8 years, there was a reason for it. And I guess that's one of the reasons why we're now divorced.I think proposals should come naturally, with a lot of love and happiness, not an ultimatum or power struggle.Always be kinder than you feel. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
quade 4 #3 August 17, 2008 QuoteI think proposals should come naturally, with a lot of love and happiness, not an ultimatum or power struggle. Very wise observation. Mind games and manipulation should not be a part of any relationship, although I freely admit to being on both sides of the equation even today. I try not to be, but I realize I'm certainly not perfect. I think the older a person is and the more "experienced" they've become in the workings of the world, they figure out that a lot of stuff that was considered "proper" in their early 20s just doesn't apply in the long run. It's funny what lies about "happiness" we're willing to put up with, are willing to tell others and ourselves. Honestly, if at this point a person can just stand the sight of another person for a short amount of time and take some kind of happiness, no matter how small, away from it, then they should and leave it at that. Fairy-tale expectations are bound to disappoint because the other person is probably just trying to get by.quade - The World's Most Boring Skydiver Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kbordson 8 #4 August 17, 2008 My husband and I were dating for 8 years (high school, college and preparing to enter the military). I was going to be stationed in South Dakota. We were "just dating" then and I was told when I moved out there that as a single female - the odds were good (but the goods were odd). I told him that if I moved out there alone and single, that I was moving out there ALONE and SINGLE. We became engaged when he left South Dakota to drive back to Wisconsin. Probably a power play on both parts... but that was almost 15 yrs ago. Right or wrong... it's been a fun ride Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jdthomas 0 #5 August 17, 2008 I asked my wife to marry me because I love her and I wanted to make the commitment to her and us. We dated for 3 years and she had no expectations of me asking her to marry her any time soon when I had asked her. I asked her parents permission first and then her. it was a suprise to her but not her parents, they said they saw it coming at any time, ironiclly so did my mother... Joewww.greenboxphotography.com Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyMcSwervy 0 #6 August 17, 2008 Quote I asked her parents permission first and then her. it was a suprise to her but not her parents, they said they saw it coming at any time, ironiclly so did my mother... Joe Awwwww!!!! Always be kinder than you feel. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Radiance 0 #7 August 17, 2008 Were you afraid of losing her or was that the furthest things from your mind?We should not let our fears hold us back from pursuing our hopes. -- John Fitzgerald Kennedy. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jsaxton 0 #8 August 17, 2008 I had to chase my wife around the kitchen table for 2 years before she'd marry me. And yes, I did marry "up" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
airtwardo 7 #9 August 17, 2008 How did the decision to get married transpire? ~She knocked me up. Mutual agreement? ~Yup...both Smith AND Wesson agreed it was time! Because of pressure? ~Depends on just what you hold most sacred, i mean i really like my organs! And BTW... Yo Quade~wow! ~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ryoder 1,590 #10 August 17, 2008 Quote Mutual agreement? ~Yup...both Smith AND Wesson agreed it was time! S&W made flintlocks?"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
airtwardo 7 #11 August 17, 2008 Quote Quote Mutual agreement? ~Yup...both Smith AND Wesson agreed it was time! S&W made flintlocks? ..........Slingshots! ~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
gearless_chris 1 #12 August 17, 2008 We were talking about other peoples weddings and more importantly how did people decide on a day to get married. Most are on Saturdays, but I could never figure out how they picked the actual day. Was it just random pointing at the calendar or was there a method to their madness. So I asked my girlfriend, "When do you want to get married?" In my mind I assumed that all women had already planned out every detail of their wedding and she would have already had a date picked. I don't remember what she said, but I found out the next day that she thought I proposed, and she accepted, so I just went with it. Yep, I accidentally got married, and still made it to the 7 year mark before she gave up on me."If it wasn't easy stupid people couldn't do it", Duane. My momma said I could be anything I wanted when I grew up, so I became an a$$hole. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
k_marr08 0 #13 August 17, 2008 It was my idea. Quite honestly, I was doing all his paperwork and it was doable but difficult to manage his finances for him without BEING him. I was doing his taxes at the time, after dating him for a year, and found out that we would save a few thousand dollars next year if we were married this year. I knew that we were going to get married eventually anyway, so I told him I was all for the idea if he was. We talked about all the pros and cons for a few months before we came to the decision to do it (considering we're young and had only been dating for a year), and were married about a month and a half later. Been married since June, lol, and so far so good. So I guess we're a mutual agreement couple. I think it should be said that marriage is simply a title, a piece of paper, and it's SUPPOSED to be a proof of commitment to each other. BUT the commitment can exist and the relationship can be optimal without the title. Unfortunately, some people expect changes in a not-so-good relationship to happen because of marriage, so they will basically force someone into it who isn't ready. I believe that when a couple is truly in love, they have a very strong commitment to each other, AND they are compatible, both parties will eventually want to PROVE their commitment to each other and they realize that life will be easier when paperwork is combined. A suggestion or proposal will surface all by itself without pressure or an ultimatum. Just my 2 cents. "I believe the risks I take are justified by the sheer love of the life I lead" - Charles Lindbergh Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jenfly00 0 #14 August 17, 2008 QuoteI think it should be said that marriage is simply a title, a piece of paper, and it's SUPPOSED to be a proof of commitment to each other No, it's SUPPOSED to be a legal document to facilitate the orderly transfer of property to legitimate children ...historically speaking.----------------------- "O brave new world that has such people in it". Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
masterrig 1 #15 August 17, 2008 I don't see 'snookered' as one of the choices? My first wife and I were only dating when, she announced over dinner, to her parents, we were getting married. We had never even discussed it before that! It all went 'south' after that.Chuck Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kbordson 8 #16 August 17, 2008 Quote I don't see 'snookered' as one of the choices? My first wife and I were only dating when, she announced over dinner, to her parents, we were getting married. We had never even discussed it before that! It all went 'south' after that.Chuck WOW! I don't know what else to say. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
masterrig 1 #17 August 17, 2008 Quote Quote I don't see 'snookered' as one of the choices? My first wife and I were only dating when, she announced over dinner, to her parents, we were getting married. We had never even discussed it before that! It all went 'south' after that.Chuck WOW! I don't know what else to say. Could that come under... entrapment? I was young, it'll work... WRONG! The good part was... I knew how to cook!Chuck Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Radiance 0 #18 August 17, 2008 Quote I don't see 'snookered' as one of the choices? My first wife and I were only dating when, she announced over dinner, to her parents, we were getting married. We had never even discussed it before that! It all went 'south' after that.Chuck I think that would qualify as "pressured" into it. Sounds like she was counting on you not wanting to make waves. Do you think you would have ever proposed on your own?We should not let our fears hold us back from pursuing our hopes. -- John Fitzgerald Kennedy. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Radiance 0 #19 August 17, 2008 Well, consider how long you've been together, I wouldn't consider it wrong! When you told him what you told him, was it in the hopes that he would want to commit to you long term? Or just fair warning that you were going to consider yourself open for other opportunities?We should not let our fears hold us back from pursuing our hopes. -- John Fitzgerald Kennedy. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
masterrig 1 #20 August 17, 2008 No! When she made that announcement to her folks, I went into a deep shock! You're right, about my not wanting to make waves or start a food-fight. While my head was spinning, I vaguely recall something about a church and some day in May and I don't know what all. When I 'woke-up' it was too late.Chuck Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Andy9o8 2 #21 August 17, 2008 It was a mutual decision, but my wife took the initiative to start talking about it seriously sooner than I figure I would have. Something about wanting a "commitment". go figure. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lawrocket 3 #22 August 17, 2008 It was my decision to propose. She never forced me or anything like that. We were together for five months when I popped the question (November 22, 2003). The only pressure was that she knew it was coming. I was in Irvine all the prior week for a deposition for a week. She took the train down because my twin sister was throwing a birthday party for her husband that evening. I had told her I had a present for her, and she basically wore me into the ground asking about her present from the moment I picked her up at the train station. It made for a not-so-romantic setting. My wife is hotter than your wife. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
windcatcher 0 #23 August 17, 2008 Wow, if that's the only reason why men propose, there must not be such a thing as true love! Anyways, to answer your question: My then boyfriend and I had always talked about getting married, he would always ask me ( nothing fancy, no proposal, just "will you marry me", that sort of thing. We had talked about it many times and knew that was our future, so one day I just told him yes and we got married. Mother to the cutest little thing in the world... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mamajumps 0 #24 August 17, 2008 My marriage of 10 years will be over this Tuesday (YAY!), However, I never expected him to propose to me. To this day, I dont know why he did. He never loved me (said he did, but actions speak so much louder than words). On a same note, I don't know why I accepted. Maybe it was the elaborate fancy proposal that he did, convinced me of his feelings for the time...IDK. I never gave him any ultimatum, I am very independant, and while yes I was ready to settle down, I was willing to let it happen on its on time. I WILL never get married again, I think you can make the same committments to someone without the expensive piece of paper. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
skydveraz 0 #25 August 17, 2008 Marriage: It is a total waste of time, Money, and a headache. Been there, Done that!! I WILL NOT do that again! Enough said... Arizona only has two seasons, Hot and HOTTER! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
