when you screw up

[cam 0]

not a regular poster here, but I hope it's ok to ask this question, seems to fit a skydiving forum.

what do you do when you screw up, and need to get your confidence back again? I don't mean read your affirmations/tell yourself how great you are kind of thing, I mean how do you get to feel like you *deserve* (at least a bit) your confidence: ie, that you won't screw up again?

to put this in context, I had a road accident a few days ago. my fault. I hit a motorcyclist. thanks to all the fates, he is not seriously injured and was discharged from hospital after an hour or so. but I can't stop chewing over the event, and all the things leading up to it. bit like an incident report: I can see a long line of events leading up to the accident, starting with taking a detour to a wind tunnel (which turned out to be closed), making several wrong turns in a city I'm unfamiliar with, in a country I don't live in, being annoyed at being behind schedule and and and.. but bottom line is that I screwed up majorly, made a stupid driving decision, and am damn lucky not to have killed anyone.

it's really shaken me up in ways that go well beyond the expense and hassle that it involves. I've always felt like a reasonably competent person. I skydive, I climb, I have a kid - I can't afford to make such stupid mistakes. what to do to get my brain back? yoga? meditation? any thoughts from people who have been through something similar would be *much* appreciated.

[kbordson 8]

Do exactly what you have done. Recognize your errors and learn from them.

You might even want to apologize for your mistakes. But that might be depending on whether you listen to your lawyer or your conscious.

Most important thing - don't let this limit what you might become. And learn to forgive yourself.


Karen

[Lindsey 0]

I have a lot of experience with this, and I'm NOT very good with moving on sometimes, so you may take this with a grain of salt. The things that help me are 1) learning from my mistakes, 2) not making the same mistakes repeatedly, 3) and time. And you've GOTTA eventually let yourself off the hook.

Glad everybody is okay from your accident. :)

linz

--
A conservative is just a liberal who's been mugged. A liberal is just a conservative who's been to jail

[cocheese 0]

How does the motorcyclist ever get back on a motorcycle?

[cam 0]

many thanks dr Bordson and Lindsey. yes, learning from my mistakes is what I really want to do, but wondering how exactly. it's not like I did something I didn't already know was stupid. I guess I have to work through how I ended up making the wrong decisions.. and yes, I will be apologising to the man I hit.

cochese, yeah well, that's another issue. but I'm guessing that wasn't your point. yes, I am feeling absolutely lousy about the motorcyclist (and was one myself at one time). but I don't think guilt alone is particularly useful in figuring out what went wrong and how not to do it again.

anyways, it's bedtime over here, so won't be able to thank any other responders for a while.

[wmw999 2,439]

One thing you can do is to sign up for a defensive driving course. You don't have to have had a ticket to take it.

But sign up for one that's designed for people who actually want to learn (e.g. through local community college or driving school), rather than one of the comedy classes designed for people who just want to get out of a ticket.

Another thing you could do would be to take a motorcyclist's basic riding class; it's a weekend class, you drive their bikes, and it might help your awareness level in general.

Doing something actively to help prevent a past mistake can help you to move on. And knowledge and practice are always good. Good luck either way - no one is immune to messing up.

Wendy W.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[Zep 0]

Quote

How does the motorcyclist ever get back on a motorcycle?

We pick ourselves up, Shake ourselves down, an get back on the bike.
Accidents happen it's the name of the game,
Now the original OP will I hope, Think once, think twice, think bike.


Your reply really doesn't become you

Gone fishing

[Nightingale 0]

Sign up for a driving course and learn how to avoid that situation in the future.

[Squeak 17]

Linz Kbord & Wendy have all good idea, also remember that it is a very recent event, dont be overly hard on yourself for feeling bad and lacking confidence, when you have not really given you mind and body enough time to deal with it.
It takes everybody a different length of time to process traumatic events in their lives, a "few day" is not very long at all.
Give yourselve a break and let time do its work

You are not now, nor will you ever be, good enough to not die in this sport (Sparky)
My Life ROCKS!
How's yours doing?

[Squeak 17]

Quote

Quote

How does the motorcyclist ever get back on a motorcycle?

Your reply really doesn't become you

I think Cheesie was referring to the rider in terms of dealing with similar events, as in
A rider deals by getting back on the bike.

You are not now, nor will you ever be, good enough to not die in this sport (Sparky)
My Life ROCKS!
How's yours doing?

[CSpenceFLY 1]

I don't think this is a driving issue,it is a human nature issue. I don't think having has an accident, all of the sudden you are a crappy driver and need lessons.

If you will think about it, it is probably more a concentration/frustration issue. Things not going right,a couple of wrong turns,behind schedule,in a hurry and boom. I think is more a matter of recognizing when we are getting into this frame of mind and learning to take a deep breath and concentrate on what we are doing.

[lippy 918]

I realise it's a lot easier for me to say this then for you to do it, but don't stress too much. You made a mistake just like everybody else does. Luckily it didn't turn out worse.

It's definitely a wake up call and I'm sure you'll be a more aware driver after this, but if I was in your shoes I hope I'd be able to avoid kicking myself too much.

I got nuthin

[StreetScooby 5]

Let it pass.

We are all engines of karma

[Zep 0]

[ImGunnaJump 0]

Quote

how do you get to feel like you *deserve* (at least a bit) your confidence: ie, that you won't screw up again?

... but I can't stop chewing over the event, and all the things leading up to it. bit like an incident report: I can see a long line of events leading up to the accident, starting with taking a detour to a wind tunnel (which turned out to be closed), making several wrong turns in a city I'm unfamiliar with, in a country I don't live in, being annoyed at being behind schedule and and and.. but bottom line is that I screwed up majorly, made a stupid driving decision, and am damn lucky not to have killed anyone.

it's really shaken me up in ways that go well beyond the expense and hassle that it involves. I've always felt like a reasonably competent person. I skydive, I climb, I have a kid - I can't afford to make such stupid mistakes. what to do to get my brain back? ***

Like you said, you're still really shaken up. It will take some time for that to wear off.

I had an accident in November along the lines of what your talking about - running late, was in construction traffic that was stop-n-go, looked away for a second and slammed right into the back of someone. The person I hit was totally fine and her car repaired promptly by my ins. co., so all turned out well considering. But it took a good week before I wasn't nervous starting a car. Another 3-4 weeks before I could calm down entirely (after the court date for the ticket).

When you're really shaken by just the physicality of the accident (in my case the *bang* of the cars. I can still hear it and feel it; your case maybe seeing the cyclist fall(?), combined with the knowledge in your soul it was totally your fault for being late, being lost and frustrated, etc., your psyche takes a hit for it.

And well it should, if you have a conscience, and clearly you do.

You are a person who obviosly knows right from wrong, can learn from their mistakes, and will do better in the future...and knowing this about yourself, makes you competent to get behind the wheel of a car again.

Like Spence said, we have to take a deeeeeep breath when we're in aggravating situations in the future so it doesn't lead to something far worse...and we will, and that makes us competent to drive.

We've learned from our mistakes, have a desire and a plan to not repeat them...that is how you know you deserve your confidence.

Beating yourself up only serves a purpose until it teaches you something - once you've learned and made amends, it's pointless.

"...I've learned that while the "needs" in life are important (food, water, shelter), it's the "wants" in life (ice cream, chocolate, sex) that make it worth the effort." Kbordson

[cam 0]

thank you indeed to all who replied. it is all very helpful. as I was turning things over last night I decided I need to do more to recognize feelings of exasperation/pressure when in any kind of potentially-lethal activity (driving, skydiving), as I think they were key in leading me to this. a defensive driving course probably wouldn't hurt either, but I don't think they offer them here. m'cycle licence I already have
again, thanks all