Need some advice from the guys

[Radiance 0]

Oh boy, here I go. I hope this isn't the useless noise Sangiro is asking us to refrain from. And I really hope I don't get completely skewered. But I find myself a little confused about the workings of the male mind, and I'd like to hear some of the guys' viewpoints for clarification.

So.....

I have been dating someone exclusively for around 6 months. Neither of us wants to pursue marriage, or living together. We see each other 2-3 times a week, sometimes just a quick lunch during the week, and generally more time together on the weekend.

I am very happy with the amount of time we spend together. I am happy with the relationship, in general.

Now here comes the "but".....I feel like I love him. Not in the "oh, I want more of your time and attention, maybe we can make plans for the future" sense, but just that, as a person, I love him and respect him and value him. He, on the other hand, says he would be "freaked out" if I told him I loved him. Even though I've explained that I love him, but I am not looking to change our relationship in any way. He tells me he "cares deeply" for me, and often will say, "one of the things I love about you is...."

Here's my confusion. I don't want "more", but shouldn't he be able to know by now whether or not I'm someone he loves? Or does he have a completely different sense of what saying, "I love you" might entail?
It was his idea to be exclusive, and I'm wondering, am I doing myself a disservice? Should I be keeping all of my options open because maybe there is someone out there who would "love" me?

I'm sounding crazy here, I know. I want to be loved, but I want to remain very independent. I don't want marriage,or even to have to see someone every day. What I have is a pretty perfect fit right now, so am I silly to be getting hung up on the fact that he doesn't love me?

Guys, what the hell goes on inside those heads of yours? Or do I just need to SIUCC and get over semantics?

We should not let our fears hold us back from pursuing our hopes.
-- John Fitzgerald Kennedy.

[turtlespeed 220]

WHY, WHY, WHY do women always try to over-complicate the simpicity that is the male emotional mind?

It sounds like you are wanting validation to what you say you feel - he really only wants a sammich and sex and some conversation during the non boring commercials.

You are asking for a complex analogy to a common and VERY simple addition problem.

Key: Make him a sammich, "Take Care of him", and don't get all emotional.

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What I have is a pretty perfect fit right now, so am I silly to be getting hung up on the fact that he doesn't love me?

Yes. Besides . . . Who says he doesn't?

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

[Radiance 0]

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WHY, WHY, WHY do women always try to over-complicate the simpicity that is the male emotional mind?

I know, huh!!!! That's why I'm asking you guys for your input.

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he really only wants a sammich and sex and some conversation during the non boring commercials.

Which works for me just fine. Actually, he makes the sammiches, I don't cook. Maybe that's my problem, huh?
.

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What I have is a pretty perfect fit right now, so am I silly to be getting hung up on the fact that he doesn't love me?

Yes. Besides . . . Who says he doesn't?

Well, he says he doesn't. I'm simply taking his word for it. Maybe the answer is he should lie, say "I love you", and change nothing else. I'd be happy then.

We women are just so freaking dumb about these things. Or should I say maybe I am...I shouldn't generalize.

We should not let our fears hold us back from pursuing our hopes.
-- John Fitzgerald Kennedy.

[Lindercles 0]

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Should I be keeping all of my options open because maybe there is someone out there who would "love" me?

You probably should, since that appears to be what he's doing. We've all done it at some point. You come across someone who's smart enough that they don't bore you, independent enough that they don't annoy the crap out of you, and willing to give it up when you want it. And yet, for whatever reason, you just don't really care that much about them. So you hang around them for a while, getting your sammiches and your blowjobs when you want them, and ignoring them when you're not in the mood, all the while keeping the whole thing on a light note so you don't feel obligated and you don't have to worry about feeling guilty for dumping them when someone you do care about comes along. Seems simple enough to me.

[Darius11 12]

IMHO.

I Love you is just words. Why give so much power to 3 words where actions mean so much more.
In a guys mind or at lets mine, I really don’t care much about any of that just care what the person shows.

Would you ruin a happy relationship just because a cretin word is not spoken? I wouldn’t.

What changes if he does say I love you? I have been in many relationships where that has been said and the person saying it (including my self when younger) has no clue what it means.

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Should I be keeping all of my options open because maybe there is someone out there who would "love" me?

If you are thinking about your options just because he has not said the words “ I love you” I have a feeling you might not know what love is your self. (Sorry if that sounds harsh)

But when you love someone you don’t have options, you love that one person and you wouldn't consider giving that person up over something so trivial as saying I love you.

What matters are actions

That was .02 as a guy

I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not." - Kurt Cobain

[ROK 0]

How old are you and he?

I was thirty-four before I married, and before I ever said the "L" word. I probably didn't even know what love was until about 5 years ago!

The difference between myself and women was that I liked being in comfortable relationships, but got up tight when I felt the push for more.

Be secure without the reassurance. Don't push at all and he'll probably start looking to you to be reassured!

It won't take you long to figure out if you're wasting your time.

[chaoskitty 0]

Sorry.. I'm a girl. (But a very atypical girl, ask any of the guys ).

You're saying that you want everything to stay the same except you want to be loved. So really, you're asking for change. You can't deny that the "I love you" phase is taking a step.
If he's not saying it, he doesn't feel it. You want to say it, so you obviously feel it. Or you think you do.
So you're just not on the same page.

The good news is that eventually something *will* change. But what...?

[Radiance 0]

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Should I be keeping all of my options open because maybe there is someone out there who would "love" me?

If you are thinking about your options just because he has not said the words “ I love you” I have a feeling you might not know what love is your self. (Sorry if that sounds harsh)

No I'm not offended, you may very well be right. I begin to wonder if I ever really have been "in love" or am even capable of it.

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But when you love someone you don’t have options, you love that one person and you wouldn't consider giving that person up over something so trivial as saying I love you.

Well, maybe HE'S more in tune with his emotions than I am with mine. Seems like I'm getting hung up on three little words that, you're right, wouldn't change anything.

We should not let our fears hold us back from pursuing our hopes.
-- John Fitzgerald Kennedy.

[JustChuteMeNow 0]

While I am no Dr Phil I will try and help. We are simple creatures who can leave a hotel bed unmade. None of our coworkers can make us cry and we have one mood at a time. I know that the above examples really don't come close to answering your question so I will try and give some common translation for men speak. Of course I will include the phrase I love you.

I'm going fishing. Really means: I'm going drinking and I going to do it standing by a stream.

Uh-huh, Sure, honey, or Yes dear. Really means: Absolutely nothing. It is a conditioned response similar to Pavlov's dog drooling.

I'm hungry = I'm hungry

I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.

Nice dress = Nice body

You look tense; let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you.

What's wrong = What meaningless self-inflicted emotional crises are you going through now?

Do you want to go to the movies = I would eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I call you sometime = I would eventually like to have sex with you.

May I have this dance = I would eventually like to have sex with you.


And now I feel you might be able to understand the following translation better.

I love you = I want to have sex now. Outside of marriage it really means very little except the stated obvious translation. Another common expression with a similar meaning is :

I love you, too = OK, I said it.....we'd better have sex now. Please notice that in both cases it really does not mean I love you.

Hopefully this tutorial helped.

Think of how stupid the average person is and realize that statistically half of them are stupider than that.

[simplyputsi 0]

Are you sure he's not married???

Hey you wanted a guys input?

Skymama's #2 stalker -

[Radiance 0]

He's 45, I'm not that far behind.

So, when you did fall in love with someone, how long had you dated before you came to the realization?

We should not let our fears hold us back from pursuing our hopes.
-- John Fitzgerald Kennedy.

[Gato 0]

This is actually pretty simple - you have offered him the "perfect arrangement", in that you have not yet tried to tie him down, and you don't demand much of his time, and offer him sex without any apparent emotional attachment.

The fact is that women are far more in touch with themselves emotionally than men are (probably not news to you.) The word "love" has so many meanings for so many different people, but for some of us the word is synonymous with the word "commitment."

Would I be correct in assuming you're both in your early 20s?

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be loved. He wants to be loved as well, but since there is no pressure on him to express that specific emotion to you, he may not do it for a while. Or ever. I don't mean to sound negative, but you asked.

You say you don't want to be married yet, or even have to see someone every day. I would ask you, if you could see him every day, would you? Ask yourself, if you think you love him, why do you love him.

It's still very early in your relationship, and if you think about it, you do have a pretty good arrangement. It wiil change, like all things do. If he becomes your best friend, and you become his, you have at least a fighting chance of making it, should you get married. My personal philosophy for choosing the right person is that it must be someone you'd want to hang out with, even if you weren't having sex.

I wish you the best.

Gato

T.I.N.S.

[Jewels 0]

Question for clarification: Does he just not actively say he loves you, or has he actually said that he DOESN'T love you? I think there's a world of difference between those two positions and I can't tell from your comments which it is.

TPM Sister #102

[Gato 0]

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If he's not saying it, he doesn't feel it.

With all due respect, this is an incorrect assumption, and in saying so, you have revealed that you may not understand the male mind.

T.I.N.S.

[ZigZagMarquis 9]

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WHY, WHY, WHY do women always try to over-complicate the simpicity that is the male emotional mind?

It sounds like you are wanting validation to what you say you feel - he really only wants a sammich and sex and some conversation during the non boring commercials.

You are asking for a complex analogy to a common and VERY simple addition problem.

Key: Make him a sammich, "Take Care of him", and don't get all emotional.

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What I have is a pretty perfect fit right now, so am I silly to be getting hung up on the fact that he doesn't love me?

Yes. Besides . . . Who says he doesn't?

Damn! Turtle got that one pretty spot on!!



pssst... Turtle... do you think we could get her to make us a sammich too?



Anyway, to the OP, remember, guys are pretty simple... Hungry... Horny... or Sleepy... pretty much coveres it when it comes to us... no complex decoder ring or super computer analysis needed.

[ROK 0]

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He's 45, I'm not that far behind.

So, when you did fall in love with someone, how long had you dated before you came to the realization?

Let me preface my answer with the fact that I was raised by a man, and then spent several years as a very hard and cold soldier.

It was about 5 years AFTER I was married that I figured out what love was. It took me a while to differentiate between "really care about", and "love".

I'm probably a bad example

BTW- It was with my wife that I figured out what love was.

[Radiance 0]

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This is actually pretty simple - you have offered him the "perfect arrangement", in that you have not yet tried to tie him down, and you don't demand much of his time, and offer him sex without any apparent emotional attachment.

The fact is that women are far more in touch with themselves emotionally than men are (probably not news to you.) The word "love" has so many meanings for so many different people, but for some of us the word is synonymous with the word "commitment."

Would I be correct in assuming you're both in your early 20s?

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be loved. He wants to be loved as well, but since there is no pressure on him to express that specific emotion to you, he may not do it for a while. Or ever. I don't mean to sound negative, but you asked.

You say you don't want to be married yet, or even have to see someone every day. I would ask you, if you could see him every day, would you? Ask yourself, if you think you love him, why do you love him.

It's still very early in your relationship, and if you think about it, you do have a pretty good arrangement. It wiil change, like all things do. If he becomes your best friend, and you become his, you have at least a fighting chance of making it, should you get married. My personal philosophy for choosing the right person is that it must be someone you'd want to hang out with, even if you weren't having sex.

I wish you the best.

Gato

We've both been around the block a few times

I NEVER want to get married. Been there, done that, wasn't particularly good at it, don't want a do-over. EVER.

You're right, we both have the perfect arrangement, in that we are compatible emotionally, intellectually, sexually, and are on the same page as to both liking our together time as well as our apart time. I don't feel the need to call him several times a day, nor vice versa.

I do have it pretty good. That's why I can't figure out why I'm getting hung up on the L thing.

Perhaps Im just envious of those who "have it all"- I have a couple of girlfriends who's SO's are obviously so in love with them. That would be nice.

And my question is, am I cheating myself out of finding that, or am I foolish to give up the great thing I already have?

Hell, I'd date him just cause he's so good in bed, even if I didn't feel the way I do about him. Now THAT'S a guy's view point for sure!

We should not let our fears hold us back from pursuing our hopes.
-- John Fitzgerald Kennedy.

[Radiance 0]

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Question for clarification: Does he just not actively say he loves you, or has he actually said that he DOESN'T love you? I think there's a world of difference between those two positions and I can't tell from your comments which it is.

When I asked him if he'd freak out if I told him I loved him, he said, "well, yes, kind of." I've told him a couple of times, "Well, I don't care if you're freaked out, I do love you." He'll hug me and say, "I'm ok with that."

I know the solution. Jump more often. That ALWAYS works.

We should not let our fears hold us back from pursuing our hopes.
-- John Fitzgerald Kennedy.

[sharimcm 0]

Here's a chick story for you... I dated a guy 'exclusively' for 2.5 years. Not once did he tell me he loved me. Why did I stay? The sex was awesome. Why did I leave? I wanted more than just sex after a while. Why did I tell you the story? It doesn't matter what we think... You'll do what you want no matter what we say. Most people already have their minds made up on an answer when they finally ask the question.

Sorry if it sounds harsh, but I'm a cold-hearted, cynical, bitter bitch...

"I had a dude tip his black cowboy hat to me after I provided him with a condom outside my hotel room at 3-something in the morning." -myself

[Radiance 0]

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Damn! Turtle got that one pretty spot on!!



pssst... Turtle... do you think we could get her to make us a sammich too?

What do you mean, "too"? I don't make him sammiches.

He makes me sammiches. Then I reward him with crazy sex.

It's a win/win for me.

We should not let our fears hold us back from pursuing our hopes.
-- John Fitzgerald Kennedy.

[Broke 0]

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Here's a chick story for you... I dated a guy 'exclusively' for 2.5 years. Not once did he tell me he loved me. Why did I stay? The sex was awesome. Why did I leave? I wanted more than just sex after a while. Why did I tell you the story? It doesn't matter what we think... You'll do what you want no matter what we say. Most people already have their minds made up on an answer when they finally ask the question.

Sorry if it sounds harsh, but I'm a cold-hearted, cynical, bitter bitch...

Oh come one Shari I doubt you taste bitter at all

Divot your source for all things Hillbilly.
Anvil Brother 84
SCR 14192

[Radiance 0]

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Sorry if it sounds harsh, but I'm a cold-hearted, cynical, bitter bitch...

I know from your posts that that's not true.

As for having my mind made up, I truly don't. I'm not unhappy in the situation. And it is more than just sex.

I was/am just curious though, to understand the guys' take on the whole situation.

Doesn't mean I'll run out and do anything about it, but I already know what my girlfriends would say. I wanted boy advice from a boy.

However, I do appreciate very much what you women have to say as well. Please feel free to comment.
The only reason I didn't post this in the women's forum is that it gets really scary in there!!

We should not let our fears hold us back from pursuing our hopes.
-- John Fitzgerald Kennedy.

[Gawain 0]

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Guys, what the hell goes on inside those heads of yours?

Absolutely nothing.



Really.



Find a video about a humorous bit about the man and woman's brains...a comparative analysis by Mark Gungar, "A Tale of Two Brains". That explains it....

So I try and I scream and I beg and I sigh
Just to prove I'm alive, and it's alright
'Cause tonight there's a way I'll make light of my treacherous life
Make light!

[mamajumps 0]

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He makes me sammiches. Then I reward him with crazy sex.

It's a win/win for me.

Im so jealous!

[Radiance 0]

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Guys, what the hell goes on inside those heads of yours?

Absolutely nothing.



Really.

My favorite reply so far!

We should not let our fears hold us back from pursuing our hopes.
-- John Fitzgerald Kennedy.