BSBD

[pop 0]

Several years ago and over a span of one year I had 5 close friends die. Some chose to take their lives, others found the ground to be a limitation. While this is happening you feel little emotion and yet nostalgic. You find yourself attempting to give meaning to the family of their late son, and yet while you are talking you don’t think there is any.

I spent the last year understanding what impact their lives had on mine. I had a dream last night and I saw my friends. Dreams to me are simply a way for your mind to resolve unresolved thoughts. When I woke up this morning I thought about all of them, and how much I missed them, but I didn’t miss them the same way I missed them before. What I realized was that I am finished mourning them.

Today I have removed their pictures from my personal websites, and deleted them as friends (myspace). I didn’t do this because I want to forget them, but because I have accepted their fate. And where I couldn’t find meaning before, I think I found it now. People come and go in your life all the time. Generally those people that move on do so because a mutually beneficialmeaningful relationship simply isn’t established, and by relationship I am referring to anything from friends, to family, to business. The ones that are mutually beneficial have to be nurtured to keep them around for a long period of time. The meaning that these 5 individuals brought to my life is simply an appreciation for true friendships (and those are very rare).

7 ounce wonders, music and dogs that are not into beer

[airtwardo 7]

Healing is often a slow process, I'm glad you're dealing with the losses in as healthy a way as possible.

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[CSpenceFLY 1]

I know where you are coming from Bro. In the last 2 1/2 years I have lost 12-14 people including my father,grandfather, and several fairly close friends. The shear numbers along with the Dublin accident took a pretty bad toll on me. I have caught myself several times just sitting here with watery eyes that seem to come out of the blue.It is difficult to get through the process when another is gone before you have gotten over the last.

The first of this year I told myself it was time to let go. I finally cleaned out my cell phone and made an attitude change. I'm hopeing 2008 will bring a drought to the death that has surrounded me.

Hang in there it has to get better.

[Sebazz1 2]

I hear you Mike, I think we shared a lot of those friendships. The memories eb and flow for me, some days it's nothing and some days it really grips you. I never really addressed how I was affected myself but I think it was considerably more than I gave credit. I am still I think recovering subconciously from loosing fellow jumpers I knew and saw often and some of them were really good friends. I might never really let go entirely.

I will say this though, had it not been for Paul Cousins passing I would have never met Sarah. We are officially 2 months away from our wedding date today and I thank him every day for introducing me to her. I wish he didn't have to sacrifice his life though.

Hardly a day goes by that I don't remember Paul, Brad Caughran, Johnny Love, Timmy D., Sam Thistle, Shannon, Tom, Cliff and JP...

Blue Skies Black Death We signed up for it when we decided to enjoy ourselves playing chicken with the earth... I remember not believing my intructors when I first started jumping and they say "it's not a matter of if only a matter of when."

Wish they were wrong... That's why you have to hang on tight to the friends you have now and never take a day for granted.

Take care man..

-Seb

[ACMESkydiver 0]

I was thinking along those very same lines yesterday...when do you just let them go?

My circle is different from yours or Spence's or seb's or anyone elses...but I think we share a commonality in having a hard time knowing how or when to move on.

I wrote about most of the people I lost. Whether it was a eulogy, or a poem that helped me to understand them, or my own pain. I think that helped.

I was about to start deleting the writings yesterday. They don't remind me of the happy times. They remind me of the pain.

Still, I don't know if I can.

Very thought provoking pop -I hope you are at peace.

~Jaye
Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action.

[DangerRoo 0]

wow thank you for sharing and I am glad you have found some peace.

I have lost a lot too over the last few years, many friends, both my parents and a brother, a co-worker and her sister. its been tough very tough at times.
I too found peace as you, and the deep love and appreciation not only for those special people then, but those I have now and the gift of life and what can be done in it.

(I.C.D#2 VP)
"<3 ..Looks like breasts coming out of an ice cream cone. Mmmm."~John Mitchell
"I'm good with my purple penis straw" ~sky mama

[Amazon 7]

I could not bring myself down to Byron this year for the boogie....I felt I would be spending time doing more crying than having fun partying.

Between Byron and Snohomish in the last few years we are WELL over 20 dead freinds.. and that really sucks.

I still have JP and Shannons phone numbers on my phone.. .. I guess I am just not ready to erase them yet

[JohnRich 4]

Quote

I still have JP and Shannons phone numbers on my phone.. .. I guess I am just not ready to erase them yet

I too, have trouble removing the names of deceased loved ones from my address books. I just can't do it. I've accepted their fate and moved on, but it would be like deleting their memory, and I can't do that. So I leave 'em in there, and every time I see their name, it makes me smile thinking about the good times I had with them.

[Muenkel 0]

Mike,

Your post makes so much sense. I had a co-worker with whom I worked with for over 5 years. We were very close. She died of cancer a year and a half ago. It literally took me about a year before I felt comfortable deleting messages from her from my email and deleting her phone number from my directory.

Now, my best friend who died just a few months ago; it's going to take a lot longer. It's too fresh and our friendship lasted 38 years. While I am not letting the grief consume me, I still have those punch in the gut moments. I have to be patient with myself on this one.

_________________________________________
Chris

[ACMESkydiver 0]

I still have about 2300 PM's from the past 4 years.

Why?

It's the only way I can talk to some of those friends any more. I guess it's more crazy than anything else, but sometimes, I would respond to a message from one of them. Nobody knows, nobody will see it...and somehow it makes me feel better I think. I had something I really needed to talk to JP about last night...I almost sent him a message then I thought 'This is crazy'.

So I didn't.

I wouldn't have talked to him about it while he was alive anyway. It wasn't something I wanted to hear him answer. Just lamenting, I guess...

Same as I did for quite a bit when Josh died. I'd send him messages that I never would have when he was still alive. I guess it's kind of liberating to know that the person you are conversing with won't have to bear the burden of that particular conversation.

I guess that's whay I'm afraid to delete any. Those are the only moments I have left of conversation when someone's gone.

I guess this is contrary to 'letting go'...but does anyone know how to save PM's on your hard drive rather than here on DZ.com? I'm sure everyone would prolly appreciate it if I would free up some storage space.

I've just been afraid to. I wonder what our last words were, and I always look to see if I was enriching their lives or taking away. I look to see if I resolved the last conflict, if there was one. I check to make sure that I did what I could to leave a positive moment in their minds instead of a negative one.

I try.

I was mulling all of this over just yesterday.

~Jaye
Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action.

[pop 0]

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I hear you Mike, I think we shared a lot of those friendships. The memories eb and flow for me, some days it's nothing and some days it really grips you. I never really addressed how I was affected myself but I think it was considerably more than I gave credit. I am still I think recovering subconciously from loosing fellow jumpers I knew and saw often and some of them were really good friends. I might never really let go entirely.

I will say this though, had it not been for Paul Cousins passing I would have never met Sarah. We are officially 2 months away from our wedding date today and I thank him every day for introducing me to her. I wish he didn't have to sacrifice his life though.

Hardly a day goes by that I don't remember Paul, Brad Caughran, Johnny Love, Timmy D., Sam Thistle, Shannon, Tom, Cliff and JP...

Blue Skies Black Death We signed up for it when we decided to enjoy ourselves playing chicken with the earth... I remember not believing my intructors when I first started jumping and they say "it's not a matter of if only a matter of when."

Wish they were wrong... That's why you have to hang on tight to the friends you have now and never take a day for granted.

Take care man..

-Seb

Yeah Seb, you and I do share certain people in common from our past that I am refering too. It's not easy, especially when you have the time to form a close bond. And if it wasn't for Paul Cousins I would have never had the Vancouver epxerience. All things eventually have a reason. I am really stoked for you and Sarah. She is good people.

7 ounce wonders, music and dogs that are not into beer

[pop 0]

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both my parents and a brother

That has to be the toughest of them all...I know one day it will be for me.

7 ounce wonders, music and dogs that are not into beer