A Guide to Understanding Hand Tools

[BillyVance 34]

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The tool most often used by all women.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to Transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a ChicagoPneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines,refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing workclothes, but only while in use.

And of course the old....

GODDAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "GODDAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, - the next tool that you will need.

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[MikeForsythe 0]

You are a little LATE

Time and pressure will always show you who a person really is!

[shermanator 4]

Quote

You are a little LATE

but .. but .. but... that doesn't count becuase, umm, becuase you don't have your jump numbers posted!

CLICK HERE! new blog posted 9/21/08
CSA #720

[MikeForsythe 0]

Quote

but .. but .. but... that doesn't count becuase, umm, becuase you don't have your jump numbers posted!

Don't even bring that weak stuff to the play ground. Come back when you have been in the sport longer than my dog.

Time and pressure will always show you who a person really is!

[popsjumper 2]

Quote

Don't even bring that weak stuff to the play ground. Come back when you have been in the sport longer than my dog.

OK...I'll bite...how many jumps does your dog have nowadays?
(pun intended)


My favorite tool is the All-purpose Power Tool - the so-called hammer.
Use it for:
1. Loosening anything
2. Breaking anything
3. Bending anything
4. Creating big jobs out of little ones
5. Making mince-meat out of thumbs
6. Excellent "dammit" tosser
7. Giving finish work that pock-marked look
8. Making things fit when they don't to start with
9. Cracking Brazil nuts
10. A thought-provoking item - What the hell is a "peen" anyway?

My reality and yours are quite different.
I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
Falcon5232, SCS8170, SCSA353, POPS9398, DS239

[billeisele 130]

Quote

Quote

but .. but .. but... that doesn't count becuase, umm, becuase you don't have your jump numbers posted!

Don't even bring that weak stuff to the play ground. Come back when you have been in the sport longer than my dog.

that's pretty good

Viagra - For When the Moment is Right - how long you been saving it up

Give one city to the thugs so they can all live together. I vote for Chicago where they have strict gun laws.

[kschilk 0]

An auto mechs glossary of terms......

1. Bronx Body Filler - duct tape
2. Polish Creeper - piece of cardboard
3. Carolina Chrome - silver paint
4. Redneck Ratchet Wrench Set - channel-lock pliers
5. Milwaukee Metric Wrench Set - crescent (adjustable) wrench
6. Trucker's Torque Wrench - hammer & chisel
7. Seattle Socket Set - pipe wrench
8. Speed Bolts - rivets
9. Hot Wrench - oxy/acetylene torch
10. Bankruptcy Starter Kit - toolbox
11. Test Leads - warning of an upcoming drug test
12. Backwoods Buzz & Brake (Cleaner) - starting fluid
13. Spark Plug Cleaner - starting fluid
14. Auto Parts Store - a place to find novelties, toys, trinkets and just about anything, other than that, which the name implies.
15. Throttle Body Cleaner - starting fluid
16. Tennessee Torx Wrench - allen wrench & a hammer
17. Air Wrench - what the one in my hand becomes, shortly after I bust a knuckle.
18. Expense Account - where you keep what was formerly pense.
19. Overhead - airplanes, sometimes
20. Customer - any tradition that is observed more frequently than others, is more "customer".
21. Mechanic - pretty much any damn fool, with enough money in his hand to buy a wrench....just ask 'em!
22. Engine Degreaser - starting fluid
23. Scales - will usually get ya' busted
24. Shelf - any ledge or relatively flat surface
25. Injector Cleaner - starting fluid
26. Pittsburgh Petrol - water
27. Starting Fluid - ?
28. Lighter Fluid - to make stuff not so heavy
29. Dry Gas - my ass! cold too!
30. Detroit Diabetic Test Kit - utility knife
31. Heat-Shrink Tube - can't figure how it works, since it's the cold that makes my tube shrink!
32. Maul - where the wife goes, to spend my hard-earned money.

"T'was ever thus."

[kschilk 0]

Quote

Quote

Don't even bring that weak stuff to the play ground. Come back when you have been in the sport longer than my dog.

OK...I'll bite...how many jumps does your dog have nowadays?
(pun intended)


My favorite tool is the All-purpose Power Tool - the so-called hammer.
Use it for:
1. Loosening anything
2. Breaking anything
3. Bending anything
4. Creating big jobs out of little ones
5. Making mince-meat out of thumbs
6. Excellent "dammit" tosser
7. Giving finish work that pock-marked look
8. Making things fit when they don't to start with
9. Cracking Brazil nuts
10. A thought-provoking item - What the hell is a "peen" anyway?

Every part, is the right part.....it's just a matter of makin' it fit!

"T'was ever thus."

[chileman 0]

If your only tool is a hammer, then every problem becomes a nail.

[dumstuntzz 0]

actually the best tool advice i could think of would be..be smarter than the tools

[skytash 0]

[replyPLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The tool most often used by all women.

[Snowwhite 0]

[
5. Making mince-meat out of thumbs

Streaker used a pry bar and a hammer to make the last part of his thumb into six seperate pieces.....

10. A thought-provoking item - What the hell is a "peen" anyway?

[Misternatural 0]

Belt sanders are excellent for racing across floors on rainy days...a carpenters favorite pastime.
*tip* make sure you have a longer chord -and sliding glass doors make poor backstops.

Beware of the collateralizing and monetization of your desires.
D S #3.1415

[Snowwhite 0]

Quote

Belt sanders are excellent for racing across floors on rainy days...a carpenters favorite pastime.
*tip* make sure you have a longer chord -and sliding glass doors make poor backstops.

As do the mirrors you are waiting to install!

skydiveTaylorville.org
freefallbeth@yahoo.com

[Misternatural 0]

>>As do the mirrors you are waiting to install!

Wait, weren't mirrors what got Snow White into trouble in the first place?
or was that Sleeping Beauty?-I don't remember, My childhood was so long ago which is why I stay away from mirrors.

Beware of the collateralizing and monetization of your desires.
D S #3.1415

[Snowwhite 0]

Quote

>>As do the mirrors you are waiting to install!

Wait, weren't mirrors what got Snow White into trouble in the first place?
or was that Sleeping Beauty?-I don't remember, My childhood was so long ago which is why I stay away from mirrors.

It's the dwarves that get me into trouble. You know, Drinky, Feely, Sleazy, and all those other guys. They are just too cute to resist.

skydiveTaylorville.org
freefallbeth@yahoo.com

[MikeJD 0]

My local DIY store is selling a new set of power tools.

Now, it doesn't actually say Power Tools for Women, but there's a picture of a woman on the box. And the tools are slightly down-scaled. And - no kidding - they are all trimmed in pink.

Edited to add a picture of the drill.

[wmw999 2,446]

I saw these at the local Ace Hardware on Sunday, along with matching screwdrivers and tape measures.

Wendy W.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[popsjumper 2]

Nice!

Hippie Hardware!
Add a rubber band around the handles and Bingo! You got a roach clip!

My reality and yours are quite different.
I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
Falcon5232, SCS8170, SCSA353, POPS9398, DS239

[mr2mk1g 10]

I fixed it for you:


SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. can also be used as hammer

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The tool most often used by all women. can also be used as hammer

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. can also be used as hammer

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. can also be used as hammer

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to Transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. can also be used as hammer

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of. can also be used as hammer

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. can also be used as hammer

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.can also be used as hammer

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work. can also be used as hammer

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. can also be used as hammer

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle. can also be used as hammer

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool. can also be used as hammer

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws. can also be used as hammer

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a ChicagoPneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts. can also be used as hammer

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. can also be used as hammer

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. can also be used as hammer

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines,refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing workclothes, but only while in use. can also be used as hammer

And of course the old....

GODDAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "GODDAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, - the next tool that you will need.

[NtheSeaOrSky 0]

Quote

I saw these at the local Ace Hardware on Sunday, along with matching screwdrivers and tape measures.

Wendy W.

OOOOH!! Look at the pretty grabby thingys!!!

yeah I'm a girl

...and for the record, my duct tape is purple

Life is not fair and there are no guarantees...

[Nightingale 0]

Quote

My local DIY store is selling a new set of power tools.

Now, it doesn't actually say Power Tools for Women, but there's a picture of a woman on the box. And the tools are slightly down-scaled. And - no kidding - they are all trimmed in pink.

Edited to add a picture of the drill.

I would consider buying those... because it would keep my dad and brother from walking off with MY tools!

[Misternatural 0]

>>It's the dwarves that get me into trouble. You know, Drinky, Feely, Sleazy, and all those other guys.

Well I see by your circular saw skills you could use one named "Handy"

OH SNAP....we need a snare drum here.

Beware of the collateralizing and monetization of your desires.
D S #3.1415

[MikeJD 0]

Quote

I saw these at the local Ace Hardware on Sunday, along with matching screwdrivers and tape measures.

Wendy W.

Aaarggh! My eyes!

Yep, those are about as far from being man-tools as it's possible to get.

[MikeJD 0]

[reply

...and for the record, my duct tape is purple

Then these will appeal to you.