Grieving process

[goofyjumper 0]

Anyone been through this before? I have no idea if I am grieving properly.

There are days I feel OK, then there are days (like today) that I feel hopeless.

Fuck, this is hard!

Please someone shed some light!

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I love and Miss you so much Honey!
Orfun #3 ~ Darla

[eeneR 3]

There is no right way to grieve my friend. Each and everyone one of us will grieve differently. You have to work through this process your way. There will be ups and downs, strange turns and sudden onsets of calm. You will be happy, you will be sad, you will become angry and want to throw things. It is all part of the grieving process.

One thing I have found that helps me is to think about the good things, talk about the good things and ALWAYS let myself cry when I need to.

There are many people who would be willing to listen.

Loss is a difficult thing and each of us has to work though it in our own way. Remember however talking helps tremendously. My PM is always on, feel free.

She is not a "Dumb Blonde" - She is a "Light-Haired Detour Off The Information Superhighway."
eeneR
TF#72, FB#4130, Incauto

[lawrocket 3]

It is just that - a process. Youv'e been through something absolutely horrible and it breaks my heart.

A normal person, when faced with an abnormal event, will act abnormally. If everything was fine with you there would be some serious worries.

A couple things that can help you, that I have learned, is to not expect yourself to feel good or even all right. You mentioned "There are days I feel OK, then there are days (like today) that I feel hopeless." One would expect that for you MOST, if not all days, would feel hopeless.

The days you feel okay are nice, but you cannot expect those for the short term. Expecting those days only makes you feel worse on days like this when you are not okay.

I had a friend put it to me this way five years after he lost his daughter, "I will never get over it. Never. I've gotten better, and in a very real sense, I am back to normal. But I'm not. I can't return to normal. All I know is that I can finally accept that, and it's made things easier for me."

And with that, he made sense of what I was going through. I hope you can, too.

My wife is hotter than your wife.

[Fozz 0]

I'd say the best you can do is let it out and keep moving forward

No one can help you late at night when you're staring at the ceiling alone. Just remember the good times and know that your are not alone, a lot of people love YOU and Lee and that does not change in his absence.

HUGGS

JF

John Fosgate
"In the end, its always best to choose the hard right over the easy wrong." LouDiamond
MB 4310
www.N3Racing.com

[missg8tordivr 0]

Oh sweetie, I am sorry today is one of the hard days. Everyone deals with grieving differently, so there may be no 'right' way about it. Time does help the healing process.....unfortunately it is easier said than done. That was never one of my favorite answers, but time will help.

Know that your friends are there for you and we all love you! I will continue to keep you in my thoughts <<<<>>>>>>

***
F LORIDA!

[NWFlyer 2]

There's rules to this, young lady, and you must follow them. If not, there will be spankings, and you will be sent to your room without any supper.

Nah, like everyone else has said, it is what it is, and it will sometimes seem like one teeny step forward and a big slide back, and other days you'll make a bunch of steps up. Know this - every day, whether they're there with you physically or just mentally, you've always got a big group of friends and family surrounding you just a phone call, email, or IM away - whatever feels like the right way to reach out, hon.

"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." -P.J. O'Rourke

[upndownshop 0]

I will get with my mother, she had a small book that discusses the (i believe) 8 stages of it. Really helped her.

Know you are loved and we are all here for you.

Stay busy doing things, it made a big difference for me with my father.

For me what really helped too, was going thru all of his stuff, the skydiving slides from the 60's, the family photos, all his bags of SD shirts. The memories were soothing and continue to put a smile on my face. Just sharing what helped me.

After 7 years I still get a tear from time to time. Like now.

We love you

[kbordson 8]

It is hard. And there are times when all you will want to say is "FUCK!" There will be days like this one... and "time will heal all wounds" is a lie.

Life will continue and it will make you mad. HOW DARE the sun continue to rise! WHY are people still acting out the mundane events that really don't seem to matter....

But then... there will be days when you will see the sunlight just right or you feel a deep and wonderful peace. Those days will help.

Make it through this hard part, get help if you need it, cry to your friends, yell at the night, don't hold it too deeply. . . . it might be harder to deal with 3-5 years down the road.

[LisaH 0]

There is no "proper" grieving process. We all do it differently.

Time heals. It really, really does. You will never forget and the pain does not lessen. You will become stronger and the good memories will shower you. You will smile again. I promise.
Allow yourself to cry.

((HUGS))

Be yourself!
MooOOooOoo

[BillyVance 34]

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Nah, like everyone else has said, it is what it is, and it will sometimes seem like one teeny step forward and a big slide back, and other days you'll make a bunch of steps up. Know this - every day, whether they're there with you physically or just mentally, you've always got a big group of friends and family surrounding you just a phone call, email, or IM away - whatever feels like the right way to reach out, hon.

What she said. Everybody is going to grieve differently, but your true friends will always be there for you. I don't know what I would do if (God forbid) I lost my wife and/or my daughter, but I would certainly hope I'd have a support system as awesome as you've got. Hang in there and know we're just a click away!

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[goofyjumper 0]

Thanks guys,I feel better right now,but I just never know when I am going to cry again.

It makes me feel better that evryne is different because I know I cry at random, and it is hard to control. But I am keep saying to myself, he is wih you and he loves and misses everyone.

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I love and Miss you so much Honey!
Orfun #3 ~ Darla

[DangerRoo 0]

hang in there, and cry when you have or want to. what your feeling and doing is normal.
there are about 5 phases: Denial, anger, barganing, depression, and acceptance. they are all different for all of us. and come and go in random orders.
I have lost many close people and pets to me. If you ever need to talk I am here for you. and so is everyone here, you got lots of love.
**big hugs!!**

(I.C.D#2 VP)
""I'm good with my purple penis straw" ~sky mama

[cocheese 0]

I've been wondering how you are doing today more than i ever have. I was going to send a pm asking that, then i saw this thread. I don't have any good advice except know that we are all here for you. Anytime.

[chinagirl 0]

Think of the most crazy crude thing he might say to you and laugh about it! I hope you feel better...

~Built for Abuse
www.skydivethefarm.com

[Muenkel 0]

Hi Brandy,

My lifelong best friend since age 6 died suddenly on 11/24/07. The grief is so intense at times. There are definitely peaks and valleys. I've questioned the validity of the extent of my grief because Mike did not fall into the categories of spouse, child, parent or sibling. I've actually said to myself that I should be over this by now. Reality check! He was my best friend for 38 years! We never told eachother that we loved eachother because guys just don't do that, but I truly loved Mike deeply. I would have given up my life for him and I know he would have given up his for me. Part of me died that day which I'm sure you feel the same way. What does help is I try to stay in close touch with others who also loved him. As much as grief is an individual thing, it is also shared. I don't know if or when the pain will go away, but I do know that I have witnessed people who have lost their spouses, children, siblings, parents, best friends, etc. find some inner strength to go on with life. This grief is not unique to you and me. You and I will survive this and we will have days of happiness and joy. We will laugh again. We will always miss our loved ones, but we won't always be consumed in grief. You, like me are expecting too much too soon from yourself.

My dad was 20 when he suddenly lost his father. His father was hit by a car and killed suddenly. My dad is now 75. I asked him how he got over that death. His answer was that he never did. It has remained with him his entire life, but he has learned to cope and accept. He told me what everyone else here said, 'It takes time.'

Brandy, I know we don't know eachother well; but I would like to let you know that you can shoot me a pm anytime you want. Anything I can do for you, I will. I'll try my best.

Hang in there,
Chris

[yardhippie 0]

I read your post and read nothing further.

to your question:

Everyone is different. Do NOT EVER feel like you need to "live up to" some idea of how you should feel.

Some things you should consider though.
You cant fall too deep into the mess. Deal with your feelings and try (as best you can) to help yourself. I know that from my losses its been tough, but never to the extent of my SO. I cant even begin to imagine what you must be going through.

One thing you can count on, you have friends and we are here for you when you need us, but you might have to ask. I wish you the best. I know how hard it was for me, even last night talking to Squeak about his plans to hang with you guys. It tore at my heart. Im stuck in Phoenix for the next 2 months, but if I can help I will.

My sincere thoughts are with you.

Goddam dirty hippies piss me off! ~GFD
"What do I get for closing your rig?" ~ me
"Anything you want." ~ female skydiver
Mohoso Rodriguez #865

[Bolas 5]

We're all here for you. You have alot of our numbers.
The hardest thing to accept is that nothing you do now changes what happened. So laugh, reminisce, cry, scream, yell, punch things, whatever it takes.

Stupidity if left untreated is self-correcting
If ya can't be good, look good, if that fails, make 'em laugh.

[ladyskydiver 0]

Hugs, hon! The hardest thing to do is accept that you will experience every single emotion under the sun - and when you're not expecting it.

Although the following 2 stories are not in the same circumstances, maybe they'll help.

It's been 7 years since I lost my daughter through natural causes. I can talk about it...even smile about her...most days. And have days when I'm strong enough to be able to show people her picture. However, there are still days that I cry and mourn.

It's been 5 years since my mom lost dad - again through "natural" causes. I don't think mom will ever "get over" having lost dad. Does she have good days? Yes. Laugh? Smile? Go out with friends? Yes. Are there days when she has a hard time smiling and cries? Yes.

When you love someone, you learn to live without their presence but you never get over them. Each person will experience and go through the grief process in their own way. Accept that what you are going through is your own way.

Take your friends and family up on the "let's go for coffee" offers and if you need a hug, don't hesitate to ask for one.

Feel free to send a PM any time.

Life is short! Break the rules! Forgive quickly! Kiss slowly! Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably. And never regret anything that made you smile.

[goofyjumper 0]

Thanks, it is nice to know that I am not the only one going through something like this. I have decided to get counseling because it will be someone to cry to and talk to.

I am so glad I am a skydiver because you all have been so helpful and understanding. I love that I am part of this community.

-----------------
I love and Miss you so much Honey!
Orfun #3 ~ Darla

[BillyVance 34]

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We're all here for you. You have alot of our numbers.
The hardest thing to accept is that nothing you do now changes what happened. So laugh, reminisce, cry, scream, yell, punch things, whatever it takes.

Depends on what you punch. You don't need a broken hand or sprained wrist.

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[cosmobuddy 0]

One of the best pieces of advice that I received was to not focus on that horrible moment of the death of your loved one. Remember and celebrate all the years of love and joy that you shared with them. Their essence is in those memories and there for you always.

www.SkydiveLostPrairie.com

[ACMESkydiver 0]

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Thanks guys,I feel better right now,but I just never know when I am going to cry again.

It makes me feel better that evryne is different because I know I cry at random, and it is hard to control. But I am keep saying to myself, he is wih you and he loves and misses everyone.

I have done that in the past as well. Think you're doing awesome and then >WHA-BAM And you're sitting there in tears and thought you had gotten through that part of it...

I'm a religious person. If this sentence would send your thread to SC I hope the mods will remove it -but I can tell you that it helps me tremendously knowing that nothing is random and senseless -and that my loved one that is suddenly here no more is gone because they fulfilled their purpose and are being celebrated for it, though I won't know why until later, if ever.

That helps me, I don't know if you see things that way or not. Hope it helps a little.

Yikes...edited to remove my sig line. Sorry.

[ImGunnaJump 0]

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It is just that - a process. Youv'e been through something absolutely horrible and it breaks my heart.

Quote

I had a friend put it to me this way five years after he lost his daughter, "I will never get over it. Never. I've gotten better, and in a very real sense, I am back to normal. But I'm not. I can't return to normal. All I know is that I can finally accept that, and it's made things easier for me."

And with that, he made sense of what I was going through. I hope you can, too.

First, let me wish you all peace, strength, love, and comfort possible to come your way.

I've been away from the forums for a while, so it was with great shock and sadness that I came to realize what has happened to the guy I knew as Skinnyshrek on DZ.com.

I don't know you, and I didn't personally know your husband except from his postings here. He and I never exchanged PM's, not sure if we even responded to each other in a thread or not, so I feel awkward stepping in. But I also feel a certain connection with all skydivers, and wanted to extend my deepest sympathies. He was definitely a favorite around here, even to those of us who didn't know him personally. His threads and posts were highly entertaining, and apparently only surpassed by a big heart in why so many cared for him. I can't imagine how immense your grief must be now.

If I may, I did work with a grief support group for quite some time and saw it do a world of good for people as they tried to get to their "new normal". If you have one near you, I would highly recommend giving it a try when/if you feel up to it. Hopefully, there is one near you. I found out, when trying to help another skydiver here locate one, they're not available in all areas.

For your sake, I hope there is one. I will be more than happy to do the leg-work to find one in your area if you like. Feel free to PM me and let me know...I don't want to intrude where not wanted or needed. But it could be a great respite for you where you can feel safe in discussing your grief months, and even years, down the road. The people there will "get you" and your ups and downs. So, let me know if ever you feel like this is something you'd like to give a try, and I'll get right on trying to locate one near you so that will be one less thing you have to do now.

Finally, I think what Lawrocket wrote echoed what I was thinking when I read your thread. What you've been through is horrible and heartbreaking.

And grief is a process that unwinds in it's own time and in it's own way, unique to you and your situation. I lost my brother in August - which is not the same as loosing a mate, which has it's own unique ache - but I do know something of loss. And to keep it simple, what I do know is don't be hard on yourself, and take all your friends up on their offers of support.

You've been in my prayers (truly), and as I hit "post reply", I say another for comfort and strength to see you through today.

Wendee

"...I've learned that while the "needs" in life are important (food, water, shelter), it's the "wants" in life (ice cream, chocolate, sex) that make it worth the effort." Kbordson

[goofyjumper 0]

Thanks everyone for your posts. It is true that I am grieving in my own way but I do need to get counseling. The victim advocate have set me up with a counselor that I will see next week.

Hopfully they can begin to get me in the right track.

Like I said before, I am not sure if I am grieving properly or not.

But I appreciate all of your support that you all have given me.

-----------------
I love and Miss you so much Honey!
Orfun #3 ~ Darla

[NWFlyer 2]

I'm glad to hear that you're seeing a counselor, too. As much help as friends and family can be, it's nice to have someone whose job is to help you through this. That way, you know that there's no worrying about whether you're imposing on them or anything. And the counselor should have some experience and ideas in helping you understand how to best manage this.

"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." -P.J. O'Rourke