BlindBrick 0 #51 May 23, 2005 A ham sandwich walks into a skin head bar. The bartender takes one look and says "I'm sorry, we don't serve food here." And one of my favorite Stephen Wright questions: "If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?" -Blind"If you end up in an alligator's jaws, naked, you probably did something to deserve it." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
MochaSkyChick 0 #52 May 23, 2005 Q: How can you tell if a redneck is married? A: There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck. PMS #62 Zarza R[red Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Balls 0 #53 May 23, 2005 2 muffins are in the oven. One says to the other "Man, it's hot in here." The other one yells, "HOLY CRAP, A TALKING MUFFIN."---------------------------------------- ....so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
PsychoBob 0 #54 May 23, 2005 Q. What does an Alabama girl yell while having sex? A. Ease up Dad! You're crushing my cigarettes! Q. What is Black and white and can't turn around in a hallway? A. A Nun with a javelin stuck through her head."I'm not a gynecologist but I will take a look at it" RB #1295, Smokey Sister #1, HellFish #658, Dirty Sanchez #194, Muff Brothers #3834, POPS #9614, Orfun Foster-Parent?" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dixieskydiver 0 #55 May 23, 2005 q: Have you heard about the new pirate movie? a: It´s rated ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! Dixie HISPA #56 Facil Rodriguez "Scientific research has shown that 60% of the time, it works every time." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Travman 6 #56 May 23, 2005 Three guys walk into a bar... you would've thought one of them would have seen it. How many French soldiers does it take to defend Paris? No one knows, its never been tried before. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
popsjumper 2 #57 May 24, 2005 Little kid sitting on the curb with a jug of high-powered gasoline at his feet...Priest walks by and sees the kid and worries that the kid is gonna blow himself up so he says to the Kid... "Kid, Give me that jug of high-powered gasoline before you blow yourself up. "Kid says, "No" Priest thinks for a minute and says, "Kid, I'll tell you what. I'll give you this bottle of Holy Water if you give me that jug of high-powered gasoline." Kid looks up at him and says, "What does Holy Water do?" Priest says, "Well, just the other day I rubbed some Holy Water on a woman's stomach and she passed a baby!" Kid says, "That ain't nothin'. I put some high-powered gasoline an a cat's tail and he passed two motorcycles!"My reality and yours are quite different. I think we're all Bozos on this bus. Falcon5232, SCS8170, SCSA353, POPS9398, DS239 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
aerohaga 0 #58 May 24, 2005 Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door... "Nice boobs," says the man, "Where do you want the blinds?"For my part, I know nothing with any certainty, But the sight of the stars makes me dream. -Vincent Van Gogh Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JakGramley 2 #59 May 24, 2005 A six foot grasshopper walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender walks up and says to him "Hey, do you know we have a drink named after you?" To which the grasshopper responds, "You serve a drink called an Elmer?" Jack Gramley Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Duckwater 0 #60 May 24, 2005 How can you tell when a girl is having an orgasm? Who cares? -- Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Duckwater 0 #61 May 24, 2005 What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? DAM! -- Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Flygurl 0 #62 May 24, 2005 3 Moles want to know if it's spring. Papa mole pokes his head out of the hole and says, it's spring, I smell the sap in the trees. So Mama mole pokes her head out beside Papa mole and says, I smell all the flowers. Baby mole tries and tries to get his head out of the hole with mama and papa but can't. He cries out, All I smell is moleasses!________________________________________ "One out of every four American's are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
wartload 0 #63 May 24, 2005 What do you say to a woman who has two black eyes? Nothing ... you've already told her twice! (Disclaimer ... this is only funny because it is SO WRONG!) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Peej 0 #64 May 24, 2005 QuoteA baby polar bear asks his mom, "Are you sure I'm a polar bear?" Moma polar bear says, "Of course you are. Go ask your dad. He'll tell you the same thing." Baby polar bear asks his dad, "Are you sure I'm a polar bear?" Daddy polar bear says, "Of course you are." Baby polar bear says, "Are you SURE? Are you sure I don't have any brown bear or koala bear or some other kind of bear in me?" Daddy polar bear says, "Yes, I'm sure. I'm a polar bear. Your moma is a polar bear. Your grandparents were all polar bears. Why are you asking this?" Baby polar bear says: "Cause I'm freezin' my ass off!!!!" That is still one of my favourite jokes! Advertisio Rodriguez / Sky Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Peej 0 #65 May 24, 2005 QuoteQuote Two Goldfish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says: you drive, i'll man the guns. I'm not sure why this one still has me giggling... It's all about the visual... Glad you liked it Advertisio Rodriguez / Sky Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Thunderbow 1 #66 May 24, 2005 Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?">>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Lord, let me be the person my dog thinks I am. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Islandcool 0 #67 May 24, 2005 A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have some joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river. At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side. He then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?!" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in! The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY!" The Monkey looks down and says "FUUUUUCK, DUDE....... how much water did you drink?" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Hipwrddude 0 #68 May 24, 2005 Name two things you shouldn't do in bed? Point and laugh. How can you tell if elephant has been in your refrigerator? By the tiny footprints on the butter. What caused the Leper to crash his car? He left his foot on the pedal. What do you call 4 Lepers in a hot tub? Soup. A rogue character sidles up to the bar and orders a shot and a beer. As the bartender collects his money the rogue blurts out, "I bet you $20 I can bite my eye." "Bullshit," the bartender says laughing. "Well, pony up." The bartender shrugs, slaps a $20 down, points to him and says, "You're on." The rogue character smiles, removes his glass eye, bites it, puts the eye back in his head and smiles. Pissed, the bartender walks away. An hour later he summons the bartender over. "Double or nothing says I can bite my other eye." Incredulous, the bartender slaps another $20 on the bar and says, "Go for it." Rogue removes his false teeth, bites his other eye and smiles. The bartender storms away. At closing time, he summons the bartender. "Barkeep, Double or nothing says I can spin on this stool while pissing and get every drop in this mug." "Impossible!" says the bartender who slaps two $20 on the bar, folds his arms across his chest and says, "Put up and shut up." Rogue whips it out, kicks the stool footrest with one leg and, with legs up spinning on the stool like a breakdancer, pisses on the bartender's face with every passing, missing the mug every time. Laughing, the bartender grabs his money off the bar. Rogue breaks out in laughter and the bartender says, "What's so funny, you lost?" On his way Rogue says, "Yup, but I bet the guys in the back $200 bucks I could piss in your face and you'd laugh about it." You're always the starter in your own life! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BillyVance 34 #69 May 24, 2005 Quote "Yup, but I bet the guys in the back $200 bucks I could piss in your face and you'd laugh about it." "Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
adamsr 0 #70 May 24, 2005 What's E.T. short for? well he's got little legs ain't he! 2 fish in a stream and it starts raining, one fish says to the other, 'we'd better go under that bridge or we're gonna get wet' and now for the sickest joke ever.... how do you make your nan's toes curl? shag her with her tights on! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Twoply 0 #71 May 24, 2005 Q) What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe? A) Roberto. LOL! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Twoply 0 #72 May 24, 2005 2 muffins are in the oven. One says to the other "Man, it's hot in here." The other one yells, "HOLY CRAP, A TALKING MUFFIN." LOL! These are great! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dixieskydiver 0 #73 May 24, 2005 Is it extra negative points if you repost something within the same thread? Ivan? Dixie HISPA #56 Facil Rodriguez "Scientific research has shown that 60% of the time, it works every time." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Twoply 0 #74 May 24, 2005 A guy is walking down the street and comes accross a tall picket fence that says "Insane Asylum." He hears people chanting "Thirteen, thirteen..!" He gets curious and looks through a knot hole and a finger shoots out and pokes him in the eye, and then he hears "Fourteen, fourteen!" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tink1717 2 #75 May 25, 2005 What did one lesbian vampire say to the other? 'See you next month." Remember, you said cheesy!!!!Skydivers don't knock on Death's door. They ring the bell and runaway... It really pisses him off. -The World Famous Tink. (I never heard of you either!!) AA #2069 ASA#33 POPS#8808 Swooo 1717 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
