8 years later, what do you say?

[wildblue 7]

Guess it depends on how much out of their lives you've become. My oldest sister had a d-bag of a father who had nothing to do with her for years. When he was dying, he actually tracked her down. She basically said to him "You've wanted nothing to do with me for years, and now that you're sad, dying, and alone you want me to feel some obligation to come comfort you? Doubt it. Goodbye."

So yeah, if you need to do it for you, then do it. If you've already closed that part of your life, then don't. Ignore the "it's the nice/right thing to do" crap and just decide if it's something you need to do or if it's a waste of time and will just reopen old wounds.

it's like incest - you're substituting convenience for quality

[Mayberry 0]

Quote

Remember, he's only human too...maybe he did the best he could given whatever emotional baggage he was carrying around.

Good point Andrea. Once I came to that realization about my dad it cleared up a lot of issues I had with him. My advice is break the cycle, take the high road and say your goodbyes to him while you can.

Don

Here's to friends!

[jkm2500 0]

The Living Years
Mike + The Mechanics


Every generation
Blames the one before
And all of their frustrations
Come beating on your door

I know that I'm a prisoner
To all my Father held so dear
I know that I'm a hostage
To all his hopes and fears
I just wish I could have told him in the living years

Crumpled bits of paper
Filled with imperfect thought
Stilted conversations
I'm afraid that's all we've got

You say you just don't see it
He says it's perfect sense
You just can't get agreement
In this present tense
We all talk a different language
Talking in defence

Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late when we die
To admit we don't see eye to eye

So we open up a quarrel
Between the present and the past
We only sacrifice the future
It's the bitterness that lasts

So Don't yield to the fortunes
You sometimes see as fate
It may have a new perspective
On a different day
And if you don't give up, and don't give in
You may just be O.K.

Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late when we die
To admit we don't see eye to eye

I wasn't there that morning
When my Father passed away
I didn't get to tell him
All the things I had to say

I think I caught his spirit
Later that same year
I'm sure I heard his echo
In my baby's new born tears
I just wish I could have told him in the living years

Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late when we die
To admit we don't see eye to eye

The primary purpose of the Armed Forces is to prepare for and to prevail in combat should the need arise.

[gonzalesna 0]

Awesome poem!!!!
I'm a sucker for good poems.










...that doesn't mean it'll get me to go out with you though

Some people refrain from beating a dead horse. Personally, I find a myriad of entertainment value when beating it until it becomes a horse-smoothie.

[jojo69 0]

Bo,
I do not know you or your family. I do think we have lived parallel lives. My Mom wanted nothing to do with me since I was a teenager. She was very close with my younger brother and sister but I was always a disappointment to her. I also never wanted to have children. She felt that I was selfish for not having them.

I got divorced from my first husband and she did not speak to me for 4 years "no one in our family has ever gotten a divorce".

She had cancer I arranged with my company to move up to Mass. to be closer to her and to help her. Her response was "don't bother moving up here if it is for me, I don't need you."

I still went and I still to this day am glad I did. I realized that I was not there "for her". I was there for me. I needed to resolve my pain and anger. She was unable to get over her problems but I was able to work through mine.

I hope that I am a better person for the effort. I still think of her from time to time and get angry but then I am able to laugh and say "I am okay with me".

Good luck with your struggle. I know that it is a struggle and I wish you well with your choice.

[tkhayes 348]

nobody EVER regretted doing good stuff.

Lots of people regret NOT doing good stuff.

Good stuff would be ANY contact and at least saying goodbye.

NOT good stuff would be leaving it alone and wishing you had not.

Quote

Gus once said to me - "When I am laying on my death bed, I want to be thinking about all the great times I had, all the people I met, all the places I saw and all the things I did. Not thinking about all the people I screwed over and all the trouble I caused."

I carry that with me every day and have for years - thanks for that great thought Gus.

TK Hayes
tk@tkhayes.com

[Squeak 17]

Quote

That brings us to today. We were told last night that Dad has Stage 4 cancer and the end is very soon. His stats are terrible, he has stopped eating, his BP was 70/40, and this 6'1" man is now at 125lbs. They caught the cancer too late and have no idea where it started.....they have ceased treatment as of this morning. None of this is really a surprise to me. He has smoked three packs a day since the age of 12 and he is 67 now. That doesn't include the daily drowning in booze.

I am sitting here staring at the car keys and can't find the courage to go to the hospital. What do you say in a situation like that after all that history....after they allowed their kids to leave their lives like that. Bitter and angry are two words that keep coming to mind. But I think I am more disappointed in myself as a person for not having the ability to do this. My brothers and sisters have....why can't I? My sister called in tears just a bit ago as she is having a hard time as well. I guess Mom sent an email to her saying she hopes I get to see him.

By simple vitrue of the that you are concerned about it now.
Yo will feel much worse if he dies and you didnt go see him.
you dont have to say anything other than goodbye.

You are not now, nor will you ever be, good enough to not die in this sport (Sparky)
My Life ROCKS!
How's yours doing?

[jojo69 0]

Well Bo, did you go? Are you still waiting for fate to decide for you? What is your answer? Yes or No?

[kbordson 8]

Good luck today. My thoughts are with you.

[ChasingBlueSky 0]

Yes I went...have a lot to think about. Thank you to everyone for their advice and stories

_________________________________________
you can burn the land and boil the sea, but you can't take the sky from me....
I WILL fly again.....

[tbrown 26]

Glad you did. Eventually, and for the rest of your life, you will be too.

May God give you peace and strength now, in your hour of need. And with all of our prayers for you - and your dad too.

Your humble servant.....Professor Gravity !

[jojo69 0]

I am so glad that you found the strenght in yourself to make this decision. My prayers are with you and your family. Many things that once seemed important will seem trivial in the face the lose of a loved one.

[RkyMtnHigh 0]

Quote

Yes I went...have a lot to think about. Thank you to everyone for their advice and stories

I'm glad you broke through the denial stage of grieving and that you are closer to the acceptance stage. Regardless of his lifestyle and "mistakes", he's still your father and if you don't spend quality time with him while you can, you will regret it once he's gone. I know this from personal experience. Don't stay away. Cherish every moment possible and sort it all out as you go.
If you ever need a friend to chat with...you know where to find me...

Hang in there...
Hugs...
Katee

_________________________________________

[JSBIRD 1]

Quote

Yes I went...have a lot to think about. Thank you to everyone for their advice and stories

Good for you.
In addition to anything you may have done to help yourself, you've also just helped make our world a little bit better place by breaking the negative chains that bound you.
Thanks!

359

"Now I've settled down,
in a quiet little town,
and forgot about everything"

[Jewels 0]

Congratulations! Making the hard choice is sometimes the biggest victory. I hope that in the long run, you'll be glad you did it. I suspect you will.

TPM Sister #102

[mnealtx 0]

Good for you! I'm sure it was hard for you, but you'll thank yourself in later years...

Mike
I love you, Shannon and Jim.
POPS 9708 , SCR 14706

[usedtajump 1]

Never had that great a relationship with my father either. The last time I saw him was this last Father's Day in a nursing home in pretty grave condition. Well, my brother and I buried him last Thursday and neither of us shed a tear for him. No closure or anything resolved, just happy that he's finally gone and everyone's out of there respective misery.
Regardless of what either of us thought about him as a father, we were glad we saw him one last time before he died.

The older I get the less I care who I piss off.

[jtval 0]

Quote

Yes I went...have a lot to think about. Thank you to everyone for their advice and stories

I think its good that you did it on your own terms.

My photos

My Videos

[skymedic 0]

Quote

It's been 8 years....people change.

In my experience this is just not true for the majority of cases.

Bo...I understand where you are at. I have had very minimal contact with my mother for years. I just do not want to be around a person that attacks me and makes me miserable. She has not changed...and simply never will even besides the fact that all three of her children do not speak to her regularly.

Marc
otherwise known as Mr.Fallinwoman....

[ChasingBlueSky 0]

Well, it's all over now, it happened only a few hours after I left the hospital earlier this morning. I'm exausted and headed back out to the hospital in just a few. My thoughts are everywhere but in the end I'm glad I went. Thank you everyone for their help on this.

I will say this: If you smoke, stop now. It's a violent, ugly and painful death. There isn't anything they can do to make you comfortable in the long run. Consider what you are doing to yourself and to your family. Then consider the cost it will leave upon your family at the end.

_________________________________________
you can burn the land and boil the sea, but you can't take the sky from me....
I WILL fly again.....

[kbordson 8]

I'm sorry for this pain and frustration that you're feeling. I hope that time will bring you some peace from your past and that the wounds will mend. Take care, my friend. {long hug}

[Amazon 7]

You really know down deep that you need to go to the hospital.. if not for yourself to get some closure... then at least to be there for your mom.

I went thru a similar situation with my stepfather. When I was growing up he always made it a point to make sure that I knew I could do no right. My 4 stepbrothers on the other hand.. could do no wrong no matter what kind of trouble or problems they caused. He was a mean, abusive man but he did love my mother and did right by her.

Fast forward 40 years... and i thought it totally appropriate when he got rectal cancer since he had always been such an asshole to me with some of the things he did to me. This was a form of justice in my mind. He did manage to pull thru on the rectal cancer after surgery and chemotherapy and a lot of pain. A year later though he was diagnosed with a brain tumor and went downhill fast. I did what I could for my mother to help her...since there was no help from ANY of the never could do anything wrong step-brothers. He noticed.... and I got a certain satisfaction that as he got worse he seemed to realize some of the mistakes he had made.

Go and help your mother get thru this perhaps your father will see that in spite of all he has done... that you did grow up to be a better person than what he thought of you.

[ChasingBlueSky 0]

Quote

You really know down deep that you need to go to the hospital

Sorry, I was really tired earlier when I posted....I wasn't clear now that I reread what I posted. I did and have been going to the hospital.

Dad passed away earlier this morning is what I meant by it's all over now.

_________________________________________
you can burn the land and boil the sea, but you can't take the sky from me....
I WILL fly again.....

[ACMESkydiver 0]

You're a good man, Bo. I'm glad you went, and I'm glad that it is now over.

I wish I could give you some big hugs, funnel-baby.

~Jaye
Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action.

[Jewels 0]

I'm so sorry. I'm glad you went and it sounds like you feel that the decision was the right one. It's emotionally and physically exhausting and I wish you a lot of peace and recovery in the days to come. It's "over" in the immediate sense, maybe, but this will still be with you for a long time.

TPM Sister #102