8 years later, what do you say?

[ChasingBlueSky 0]

I've never been big on people coming here for what sometimes seems to be the obvious bit of advice. Maybe I just need to type this all out to get my thoughts in order. But I'm at a point here in my life that has me as a complete loss. Maybe I need the kick in the ass from an outside point of view. My friends are too close to me and have witnessed too much over the years.....so they know what happened and they just are going to support my choice either way.

I'm 34 and haven't seen my parents in 8 years. They were good providers, but were not good parents. I can't say that I can remember many happy memories, and have often found myself envious of those that had a happy childhood. One of the reasons I've choose not to have kids is out of fear that I would somehow end up like them and screw up someone's life. Years of issues came to a head when my sister found her Husband. My brother and other sister were happy for her and supported her.....but she was 'disowned' because they didn't agree with her choice.....an action spurred by their racism. This also put a wedge between the kids as my older brother sided with them as well. In turn, the 4 of us were disowned as well.

That brings us to today. We were told last night that Dad has Stage 4 cancer and the end is very soon. His stats are terrible, he has stopped eating, his BP was 70/40, and this 6'1" man is now at 125lbs. They caught the cancer too late and have no idea where it started.....they have ceased treatment as of this morning. None of this is really a surprise to me. He has smoked three packs a day since the age of 12 and he is 67 now. That doesn't include the daily drowning in booze.

I am sitting here staring at the car keys and can't find the courage to go to the hospital. What do you say in a situation like that after all that history....after they allowed their kids to leave their lives like that. Bitter and angry are two words that keep coming to mind. But I think I am more disappointed in myself as a person for not having the ability to do this. My brothers and sisters have....why can't I? My sister called in tears just a bit ago as she is having a hard time as well. I guess Mom sent an email to her saying she hopes I get to see him.

_________________________________________
you can burn the land and boil the sea, but you can't take the sky from me....
I WILL fly again.....

[peregrinerose 0]

There's nothing wrong with being bitter and angry. Sounds like you have plenty of reason to be. But you are also getting a chance to say goodbye to a parent that at the very least was a good provider (your words).

It's been 8 years....people change.

Do or do not, there is no try -Yoda

[normiss 803]

Regretting not saying goodbye is very tough to live with, I know this because I didn't get the chance. You have that chance. Don't regret it the rest of your life.
My dad sucked as a father too...but I still wish I had seen him one last time before he left.

[mnealtx 0]

My situation is a bit different than yours, in regards to family relations, but I will say this:

I wasn't able to say goodbye to either of my parents when they passed, and there's not a day that goes by that I don't regret it.

Go to him. You don't have to pretend that you love him, but at least you can be there to ease his passing and to give yourself closure.

Mike
I love you, Shannon and Jim.
POPS 9708 , SCR 14706

[BillyVance 34]

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There's nothing wrong with being bitter and angry. Sounds like you have plenty of reason to be. But you are also getting a chance to say goodbye to a parent that at the very least was a good provider (your words).

It's been 8 years....people change.

Yes, and sometimes closure can make a big difference. Go see your dad, tell him why you felt you couldn't see him for 8 years, then tell him you forgive him, if you can find it in your heart to do so. You will at least feel better having told him how you feel. I can't tell you what his reaction would be, but at least you would give yourself the opportunity to move on....

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[skymama 37]

Sometimes, you don't have to say anything other than hold someone's hand. Just go, maybe the words will come to you once you get there. Remember, he's only human too...maybe he did the best he could given whatever emotional baggage he was carrying around.

She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man,
because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon

[Jewels 0]

I lost my dad in 1994 and we did not have a good relationship. I used to pray that I would even WANT a good relationship with him because I wasn't interested in making the effort but still knew somewhere inside of me that it was important. In spite of that, I was there as he died and I'm glad, for both of us. You may not be able to repair the injuries of a lifetime (or even 8 years) in the short time he has left, but my suggestion would be to make the effort just to see him. I seriously doubt that you'll regret making the effort, but you very well might regret missing your last chance with him later.

TPM Sister #102

[jtval 0]

I personally would rather go to he hospital and discover that my dad is still the gigantic douche bag that he has always been then regret that I let my angst stop.(edit ) me


Angst is so 8th grade.
No offense, but it is.

You're an adult now. You have the freedom to tell anyone to fuck off, including your parents. Make your decision and be prepared to live with it....happily.


I can understand that "but they are my parents
They should have done this or that."

While that is true I find that if you worry in the past you won't be able to look to the future.
(I know its a dumb cliche, but I'm serious.)


Live your life. forgive them for being dumbass and be happy you were smart enough to go your own way.

At a minimum they taught you how to think for yourself, right?

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[SkyDekker 1,465]

Go Bo.

You'll regret it for the rest of your life if you don't. There is no need to settle anyting, just a need to say goodbye.

[monkycndo 0]

My dad wasn't a good provider, financially of emotionally. He got married for the 3rd time and just kind of left our lives, until he needed money. When that well ran dry, he just disappeared. We found out his last wife had taken him for what little he did have. Eventually we got the call that he had died suddenly(stroke). Two of my siblings and I went back to take care of his affairs and bury him. It was really strange to try and piece together the last years of your father's life from what we found in the little trailer he was living in.

If I knew he was very ill, I would hope I would have gone to see him, no matter how bad the blood was between us. I'll never now. There were a lot of things I would have said to him. I've said them since. I learned that the baggage I had been carrying all those years was holding me back. I would say it is a good time for both of you to leave that baggage behind.

Good luck.

[wildcard451 0]

Bo,

Take that ride. It may be sweet or it may be fucking awful. It may be both.

Do you want to regret not going later on down the road?

[ChasingBlueSky 0]

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Live your life. forgive them for being dumbass and be happy you were smart enough to go your own way.

At a minimum they taught you how to think for yourself, right?

Ironically enough, they never taught me how to forgive....and that's why I am mad at myself....the hesitation to go to the hospital means I'm more like them than I wanted.

In my heart I don't know what I want to happen when I get there.

_________________________________________
you can burn the land and boil the sea, but you can't take the sky from me....
I WILL fly again.....

[Rick 67]

Go Bo you don't want to end up with more regrets..
No need to re-hash the past or try to make amends just be there

You can't be drunk all day if you don't start early!

[jtval 0]

Your dad will do one of 2 things IF you go.


1- Your dad will tell you everything about how much he regrets your relationship. (between he and you)

2- He will be a gigantic dbag.

The result of which will pretty much make you break the fuck down into a slobbering idiot, but that's a good thing.

You will get closure from it. It isn't gonna be easy but I think it will be easier than NOT going to see him.


The good thing is that you have a captive audience with him and you can tell him everything YOU Regret if you'd like.


Not to be this cheesey but I'm going to quote Braveheart.


"the Bruce" told his dad.

"My Hate...Will die...with you..."
If THAT is that way you can lose the "hate" than do it.

There is no reason to carry that shit for ever.

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My Videos

[CSpenceFLY 1]

Looks like I have a bit of a different take on this. You should not go out of a since of obligation. You should go only if you think it will do you some good. You have had no obligation to this person since the day you were "disowned".I personally would ask myself if this was some friend that I had the same history with would I go see them after all of this. The only other reason would be if you intent to try to mend things with your mother or the rest of the family. This might be a stepping stone for that. Good luck with all of this.

[JohnRich 4]

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I am sitting here staring at the car keys and can't find the courage to go to the hospital... My sister called in tears just a bit ago as she is having a hard time as well.

Go pick up your sister, and get your asses over there to see him!

[gonzalesna 0]

I don't know where you stand on a religious level, but if you believe in Christianity, I know that we're told to trade cruelty with kindness. Allow God to decide his fate and just give him as much love as you can despite his choice to disown you.

If you have another religious background, I can't comment. If you have no religious preference, I still say go see him. It will ease your conscience knowing you did everything you could to mend a broken relationship.

Years ago, my grandfather on my dad's side disowned my little sister for much less... at the age of 12, my little sister was on summer vacation from school and in California at the time visiting. (We were living in Wisconsin at the time.) She didn't call them and let them know she was in town, even though it was an annual occurance. For this, she was cast aside by my grandfather and my grandmother followed suit, as she tends to follow a "yes, dear" kind of attitude. about 2 and a half years ago, I decided to break off contact from my grandfather. I figured I didn't want anything to do with a person that would disown a 12 year old girl for not making a phone call, his own granddaughter at that. 6 months later, I regretted my decision and attempted to regain a healthy relationship. It's been 2 years and I've yet to achieve that. We're in contact, but it just doesn't seem the same. He knows my sentiment about the issue, but he still refuses to call my sister. This is a man who didn't talk to his own daughter for many years and disowned his own mother. My father refuses to have any form of contact with him. I see the pain in my grandfather's eyes, not being able to communicate with his son.

To make a long story endless, go see him and regain a relationship with your mother. Don't let it be a one time visit. Let the old quarrels that existed die and start a new relationship with your mother. Keep it going even after your father passes. You may disagree with their decisions, but what benefit and comfort do you get out of refusing to see your father before he dies? Go see them both and revive a dwindling relationship.

Some people refrain from beating a dead horse. Personally, I find a myriad of entertainment value when beating it until it becomes a horse-smoothie.

[Lastchance 0]

If I were in your shoes, I would like to think that I would go say goodbye. If you don't, you may regret it for the rest of your life. If you do go say goodbye, I do not believe that you would regret that decision. Good luck and I hope you make the right decision for yourself.

I may be getting old but I got to see all the cool bands.

[waltappel 1]

I went 12 years or so without talking to my parents. They're not bad people--quite the opposite. It was more a case of me being a stubborn dickhead. Getting back in touch was painless.

Whatever your motivation for not talking with them, just get over it and go seem him. It's almost certainly not going to be the big deal you are making it out to be. If in your mind, your father is a real asshole, your image is going to change. You'll see him as a frail old man who has little life left in him. Seeing that will help you let go of any fear, anger, bitterness or any other negative feelings you have toward him.

No telling whether it will do him any good. There's a big chance it will do you plenty of good, though.

So quit whining and do it.

Even if you decide not to, make a decision and stick with it rather than screwing around until he dies and letting that make the decision for you. Just remember, though, that your decision will be final. Be prepared to accept the consequences.

Walt

[CSpenceFLY 1]

Sounds like your grandfather has many issues with everyone. Disowned a daughter, grand daughter and a mother.I would not waste time on someone like this.Why would you worry about a relationship with a person like this. Life is too short.

[Rainbo 0]

Hey Bo,
A lot of what has been said already is good stuff. In the end remember that it is never about the other people, it is about you. What I hear is that you have a need to find closure on this part of your life. Your dad's life will soon be over, but you have many years left in yours, do not miss the chance to put these issues to rest for yourself,not anybody else. The outcome may be emotionally satisfying or equally gut wrentching, but there will be closure afterwards, and this you owe to yourself. Call me if you need to, you know I am around if you need to talk.

Rainbo
TheSpeedTriple - Speed is everything
"Blessed are those who can give without remembering, and take without forgetting."

[Phillbo 11]

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Looks like I have a bit of a different take on this. You should not go out of a since of obligation. You should go only if you think it will do you some good. You have had no obligation to this person since the day you were "disowned".I personally would ask myself if this was some friend that I had the same history with would I go see them after all of this. The only other reason would be if you intent to try to mend things with your mother or the rest of the family. This might be a stepping stone for that. Good luck with all of this.

My opinion as well... IF you go , go for , not for him.

[wmw999 2,453]

I'll agree, you're much more likely to regret not going than going. Just go. Let your dad know you're doing well (no matter what, parents want to know their kids are doing well). Let him talk to you if he can, tell him about your life if it seems like the right thing. But go.

If he's a dick, well, you're still unlikely to regret having gone, because it doesn't sound like he's one to deliberately inflict pain. He's just stubborn and racist. So you can keep your boundaries, go, and it might just help him to die in peace.

People wait for stuff like that so they can die.

Wendy W.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[sharimcm 0]

I would go for closure. As someone else said, go for you, not for him.

A short story came to my mind when I read this... And, I know the situations are different, but... A co-worker of mine was murdered by her husband, then he turned the gun on himself only days after Mother's Day. Their son decided to go to his mother's funeral, but not his father's. He went to the spreading of his mother's ashes, and did not go when they buried his father. Years later I saw him at his wedding. The thing he said to me is regarding his dad at the time was, "I wish I would have said goodbye to my father. He took everything I had, but I never got to say goodbye. I was angry, but now I don't have closure..."

I wish you luck in whatever you decide. But, be prepared with the consequences that may result either way. With you there, he may be able to die in peace knowing how he made you feel.

Personally, I would regret not being able to say goodbye to my parents, sister, friends, etc. no matter what our relationship was at the time of their death.

"I had a dude tip his black cowboy hat to me after I provided him with a condom outside my hotel room at 3-something in the morning." -myself

[gonzalesna 0]

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Sounds like your grandfather has many issues with everyone. Disowned a daughter, grand daughter and a mother.I would not waste time on someone like this.Why would you worry about a relationship with a person like this. Life is too short.

I rarely speak of religion on dz.com since it seems that many groan when they hear it come out. I hope I don't end up sending this thing to SC, but here's my deal.

The bible states to love one another. If you break down the 10 commandments, they can be summed up into these words: "Love God and love one another." There are things you don't do to those you love. We are told to show love towards everyone regardless of the actions they've taken against us or others. We're told not to judge or condemn. I'm following those instructions.

Also, if either myself or my grandfather were to die, I'd want to leave the world knowing I did my best to maintain a relationship with him. If he died and I spent years trying to make him feel bad for doing that to my sister, I'd feel terrible because that would be the last thing I ever did to him- cause him pain. I don't want to go out like that. So I maintain what I can.

The way you made your comment makes it seem like someone who disowns one person is better than someone who disowns many. I will agree that my grandfather has issues with others, but it's because of how he is. He's the most hardheaded individual I've ever met. He also, however, stands by his decisions. That's something one must respect, regardless of the reason for it. The reason he disowned his mother was because she thought his first wife was the one for him. His second wife is from the Netherlands and she called her "a fucking foreigner." He didn't forgive her for the comment and since disowned her. He is back in contact with his daughter, and he technically hasn't "disowned" my sister. He refuses to speak to her though. He wants her to call and apologize. My grandfather has rarely been the one to pick up the telephone. Someone has to call him. It's the way it's always been and there's no way to change his mind. I still visit with him and try to maintain a healthy relationship, although I will say that I've had opportunities to go see him and instead I've gone to visit my grandparents on my mother's side.

Once again, I want to go out of the world knowing I did what I could to keep a healthy relationship between as many people as I could; my grandfather included.

Now that I've beaten that dead horse, it should be nice and tender... so who's gonna work the grill? Hurry up, I'm hungry.

Some people refrain from beating a dead horse. Personally, I find a myriad of entertainment value when beating it until it becomes a horse-smoothie.