Need some good clean jokes!

[karenmeal 0]

Ok.. I could search the threads, or I could ask you all for some jokes.

My brother has an interview with SouthWest airlines on Wednesday and needs some good jokes that he can tell.

So anyone have some good, clean jokes that are devoid of sexual, racial, political or religious undertones?

(Is that even possible?)

-Karen

"Life is a temporary victory over the causes which induce death." - Sylvester Graham

[LisaM 0]

In class one day, the teacher asked the students to use "pasteurized" in a sentence.

Little Johny raised his haind.

"One day I was in the bathtub. After my bath, my momma asked me how deep the water was. I pointed to about my chin and sad 'It was about up to here' and she said 'Are you sure it wasn't pasteurized?'"

~ Lisa
~ Do you Rigminder?

[Thanatos340 1]

Why did the Chicken Cross the road?/





To prove to the Possum that it could be done!!


Yea, Really. That is all I got.

[Scoop 0]

I would personally avoid telling jokes in an interview unless its something that comes naturally out of the situation. Brining up a random joke will probably make him look like a dick

[LisaM 0]

Three tomatoes are walking down the road. Momma tomato, Daddy tomato and baby tomato. Baby tomato was lagging behind. Daddy tomato went back and stomped on baby tomato and said "katchup".

(Is that right.? It's from Pulp Fiction. Just seems so creul for daddy to squash baby.)

~ Lisa
~ Do you Rigminder?

[Lindercles 0]

What's the difference between inlaws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

[turtlespeed 220]

There once was a piece of string wandering around Downtown. He was very hot and thirsty. He came upon a bar and went in. He asked for a drink and the bartender said, 'read the sign buddy we don't serve strings.

'Oh come on just this once', the string asked again. The bartender said, No way!", so the string left in a big huff, slamming the door.

In his haste , he never noticed the bus that was heading for him and got run over, then flew off the tire into the gutter, it started raining and he was getting pretty frustrated.

Well, he dragged his himself out of the gutter, and ended up getting all twisted up by a stroller that was passsing, and stepped on yet again, by the little girl that was pushing it.

Finally, twisted and tied and filthy and beaten, the string limped back into the bar and made his way back to the stool, and said in a pleading voice, Bartender, Please, can I just get a beer?

The bartender looked at him suspiciously, and said,"Aren't you the same string that was in here just a few minutes ago?", this made the string more than a little angry, and at his wit's end, he crawled up to the Bartender, inches from his face, and said, through clenched teeth,























"NO, I'm a frayed KNOT!"

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

[Thanatos340 1]

So this Mushroom walks into a Bar..
"Hey Barkeep", The Mushroom says.. "A Round of Drinks for the house on me."
The Barkeep passs oput the Drinks and the Mushroom pays.
A while later, The mushroom does it again. "Hey Barkeep, Another round for everyone and fix yourself one too"

The barkeep looks at the shroom and says " You know, You are a Nice Guy"..

To which the Mushroom replies, "I am NOT a Nice Guy.......
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"I am a FUN-Guy!!"

[shropshire 0]

On a cold desert night, the Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into town and head to the nearest bar to warm up.
Inside, the Loan Ranger asks for 2 whiskeys.
The barman say, I'm not serving no Indian...
So the masked man suggest that Tonto goes out side and keeps warm with some exercise.
3 hours later the Loane Ranger is pissed out of his head and had forgotten his faithful mate, when the sherif come into the bar and says "Hey, who's left the injun running?"

(.)Y(.)
Chivalry is not dead; it only sleeps for want of work to do. - Jerome K Jerome

[shropshire 0]

There was this western town whose ranchers were being bothered by a cougar. This cougar had attacked the ranchers livestock on many occasions. The ranchers in this town hired the famous Roy Rogers to lead a posse to track down this cougar and kill him.

Roy lead this posse wearing his brand new alligator skin boots. he had just acquired them as was very proud of the way they looked.

After tracking the cougar for a number of days, they finally came upon him. Roy took a shot but missed, letting the cougar get away. That night the posse set up camp. While everyone was sleeping, the cougar attacked the campsite, but was chased off without anyone getting hurt. Unfortunately in the foray, the cat did destroy Roy alligator skin boots.

Roy was very upset about losing his new boots. He rode back to town (which was painful without boots), got an old pair of boots, and went out after the cougar by himself. After a few days of tracking, he caught up with the cougar. He picked up his rifle, aimed, and with one shot, killed the cougar.

He placed the cougar on the back of the horse and rode back to town with it. As the ranchers in town saw the carcass on the back of the horse they came out and cheered Roy's success. As he rode up in front of the hotel, surrounded by cheering ranchers and townfolk, Dale Evans came out of the hotel and asked, "Pardon me, Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"

(.)Y(.)
Chivalry is not dead; it only sleeps for want of work to do. - Jerome K Jerome

[Armour666 0]

Husband is at the doctors for check up when it all done he asks the doctor. I think my wife is loosing her hearing, I ask her thinks all the time and often she doesn’t answer is there anything I can do to confirm this.

Sure when she’s not facing and using the same level of speech stand back about 15 paces and ask her something. If she doesn’t answer take a few steps and try again. Keep doing this till she answers.
So the husband goes home sees her in the kitchen so he stands back and asks hi honey what’s for dinner? Nothing takes a few paces tries again hi honey what’s for dinner? Still nothing takes a few more paces and no he’s almost right up to her and asks again hi honey what’s for dinner?

She spins around and says for the third time chicken you deaf bastard.

SO this one time at band camp.....

"Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most."

[Programmer 0]

Cheesy repost, but here goes:
Hydrogen atom walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Why the long face?".
Hydrogen atom says, "I think I lost my electron.".
Bartender says, " Are you sure?".
Hydrogen atom says - "Yeah, I'm positive."

[stitch 0]

2 eggs and some bacon walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here."

"No cookies for you"- GFD
"I don't think I like the sound of that" ~ MB65
Don't be a "Racer Hater"

[eeneR 3]

Quote

I would personally avoid telling jokes in an interview unless its something that comes naturally out of the situation. Brining up a random joke will probably make him look like a dick

I guess you have never flown southwest airlines I am willing to bet this is part of the interview.

I flew them couple years ago and I was in tears laughing so hard at the crew. They were hilarious!

She is not a "Dumb Blonde" - She is a "Light-Haired Detour Off The Information Superhighway."
eeneR
TF#72, FB#4130, Incauto

[1969912 0]

------------
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
------------

"Once we got to the point where twenty/something's needed a place on the corner that changed the oil in their cars we were doomed . . ."
-NickDG

[TheBachelor 5]

A priest, minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "is this a joke?"

There are battered women? I've been eating 'em plain all of these years...

[lekstrom10k 0]

Ask someone if they know the difference between a dead lawyer and a dead skunk lying on the road?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

[lawrocket 3]

Get some ready for his responses to other questions:

If asked a question about why he/she hasn't tried for more out of life, i.e., college, office job, etc., "Eagles may soar, but weasels never get sucked into a jet engine."

Asked why applying for a job at Southwest, say, "I didn't meet the qualifications for Virgin."

---

So a man and a woman who had never met before are passengers on an intercontinental redeye flight. The man is at a window seat, and trying to sleep but cannot get comfortable because he's cold. He asks the woman next to him:

"Could you do me a favor and get me a blanket from the overhead bin?

She responds, "I'll tell you what: for this flight let's act like we're married." The man smiles and says, "That'd be awesome" and moves in for a share of her blanket.

She pushes him away and says, "Get your own blanket and leave me alone."

---

My wife is hotter than your wife.

[waltappel 1]

Old, but it's the funniest and cleanest joke I know:

Q: Why are turds tapered on the ends?
A: So your asshole won't slam shut!




For some reason I never get tired of that joke.

Walt

[Nightingale 0]

From my cousins, and the Lost episode I watched a few days ago:

What's black and white and red all over? a penguin with a sunburn.

Why did the cactus cross the road?
because it was stuck to the chicken.

What's red and green and goes 100 miles per hour?
a frog in a blender
what's red, green, and brown and goes 100 mph?
the same frog a week later.

[karenmeal 0]

Quote

I would personally avoid telling jokes in an interview unless its something that comes naturally out of the situation. Brining up a random joke will probably make him look like a dick

Yeah, I agree that in most job interview situations that would be true.

However, he has told me the oddest things about how a SouthWest interview is conducted. Kind of like being surrounded by secret spies who are there to test you all day long.

He said that there are a variety of situations that they will put you in and then gauge your response. For example, they show you a picture of the CEO dressed in drag and ask you for some sort of comment. You're supposed to laugh.. not laughing is bad.

Sounds like a reaaally weird process, don't know how much is true. But given how much this company values a sense of humor, I figure he should have an arsenal of good jokes ready.

"Life is a temporary victory over the causes which induce death." - Sylvester Graham

[bertusgeert 1]

Quote

------------
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
------------

LOL I love it.

Some other good ones too. I finally found a reason to stop soaring and start weaseling.

So this pastor wants to get away from everything for a little while - far away. So he goes to Africa with his little Dachshund. One day he's walking in the bush and decides to let the dachshund off the leash for a little while. Lo and behold, the dachshund gets lost in the middle of the dangerous African bush.

As it is getting towards the end of the day and the sun begins to set, the dachshund is trying to find his way home when all of a sudden, out of the corner of his eye, he sees a Leopard running fast towards him. He pulls tense and panics, and looks around for any options. He sees some bones lying nearby, runs over and lies down with his back towards the fast approaching Leopard. Right as the leopard is about to pounce, he exclaims: "Man, that was one hellofa tasty Leopard!"
The Leopard stops dead with fear, and tries to slowly slink away.

Meanwhile, the monkey has been watching the whole development from high up in the trees. Being a silly monkey, he decides to go off and tell the Leopard that he's been tricked. He finds the Leopard, tells him what happened, and the Leopard says: Get on my back, let's go find that devious dachshund!

The Dachshund is still wandering through the bushes, lost as can be, when all of a sudden he sees the Leopard again, running as fast as he can, this time with a monkey on it's back. The dog tenses up, panics, and looks around for any options or escapes - but sees none! So once again, he goes and lies down with his back towards the fast approaching leopard with the monkey on its back, this time with no bones to rescue the situation. Right as the leopard is behind the dachshund about to pounce and kill it, the dachshund angrilly gets up and says: Where's that friggin monkey?! I told him to go get me that stupid Leopard an hour ago!

---------------------------------------------
As jy dom is moet jy bloei!

[lippy 918]

There's this magician doing a show and he says 'For my next trick I'll need a volunteer'. So this guy comes up on stage and the magician tells him to take a hammer and hit him in the temple as hard as he can---
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...10 Years later, the magician snaps out of his coma, jumps up in his hospital bed and screams 'TADAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA'

I got nuthin

[ACMESkydiver 0]

Everyone on the west coast has heard me tell the rope joke whilest drunk...it used to kind of be a 'how you can tell if Jaye's drunk' test...

That one and one other joke. Can't think of it now...prolly 'cause I'm sober.

OH!!! I remember now!! It's the woman golfer joke. -I'm not sure if that one will work for your brother, Karen, but it goes like this:


A group of four golfers got together every Saturday morning for a round of golf. The four men had been playing together for years, when one member of their group moved away.

The remainder of the group searched for a new member for their team. They noticed that every Saturday morning, a young lady was teeing off right about the time they arrived. They followed her private game with interest, as she was a dynamite golfer.

Eventually the group asked her to join, and she accepted. She told the men that she would meet them on Saturday morning, at 7 o'clock or seven thirty.

The following Saturday, this young lady was bright and chipper awaiting her new teammates at 7 o'clock. She teed off, and had a marvelous game. The men were very impressed, and asked if she would join them again the following Saturday.

She replied, "I'll be here at 7 o'clock or seven thirty."

The next Saturday, she arrived again promptly at 7 o'clock. This time, however, the young lady brought a set of left handed golf clubs.

Fascinated, the group watched as she crushed the ball, over and over, and sunk every putt. She had another phenomenal game, even with left-handed clubs.

Curious, the men asked her about her right and left-handed golfing. She replied,

"My husband sleeps in the nude. I wake up earlier than him, and I peek under the covers and see which way he is...'laying'. If he lays to the right, I golf right-handed. If he's laying to the left, I golf left-handed."

Amazed, one of the team members asked, "-but what if he's laying 'straight up'?"

"Then you'll see me at seven thirty."

~Jaye
Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action.

[Misternatural 0]

Lady, I don't know any clean jokes;

But if it makes you feel better-
you know I'd give you the Moon,
but yer gonna have to give me Uranus.



Sorry - did I type that out loud? or did I just think I typed that....must be the testosterone poisoning is acting up again.

Beware of the collateralizing and monetization of your desires.
D S #3.1415