lilDevil 2 #1 June 4, 2007 When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is David. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'assehole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Telstra. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW arsehole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked. "Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front." "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening after five." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1. "Hello." "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he screamed. "Make me," I said. "Who are you?" he asked. "My name is Don Hansen." "Yeah? Where do you live?" "Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up. Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said. "Hello, asshole," I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" I said. "I'll kick your arse," he exclaimed. I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now." Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew. NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works!``````````````````````````````````` " Cant keep a good woman down " Angels have wings, but devils can fly ! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ryoder 1,590 #2 June 4, 2007 Somehow that made me think of this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MNzZzsvOClc"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Misternatural 0 #3 June 4, 2007 ......and from this Fight Club was born.Beware of the collateralizing and monetization of your desires. D S #3.1415 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Moline 0 #4 June 4, 2007 This had me in tears laughing my buttocks off. Too funny. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
virgin-burner 1 #5 June 4, 2007 thanks for the laugh, that one really cracked me up again.. lildevil, your sense of humour is great!“Some may never live, but the crazy never die.” -Hunter S. Thompson "No. Try not. Do... or do not. There is no try." -Yoda Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lilDevil 2 #6 June 4, 2007 Quote thanks for the laugh, that one really cracked me up again.. lildevil, your sense of humour is great! Its a POME thing ``````````````````````````````````` " Cant keep a good woman down " Angels have wings, but devils can fly ! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
virgin-burner 1 #7 June 4, 2007 Quote Quote thanks for the laugh, that one really cracked me up again.. lildevil, your sense of humour is great! Its a POME thing one hot chick that cheers one up.. you got a BF or sumthing!? “Some may never live, but the crazy never die.” -Hunter S. Thompson "No. Try not. Do... or do not. There is no try." -Yoda Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lilDevil 2 #8 June 4, 2007 Quote Quote Quote thanks for the laugh, that one really cracked me up again.. lildevil, your sense of humour is great! Its a POME thing one hot chick that cheers one up.. you got a BF or sumthing!? nobody wants me sniff sniff``````````````````````````````````` " Cant keep a good woman down " Angels have wings, but devils can fly ! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Squeak 17 #9 June 4, 2007 Quote Quote one hot chick that cheers one up.. you got a BF or sumthing!? nobody wants me sniff sniff I do, you can sew and cook an stuffYou are not now, nor will you ever be, good enough to not die in this sport (Sparky) My Life ROCKS! How's yours doing? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
virgin-burner 1 #10 June 4, 2007 Quote Quote Quote one hot chick that cheers one up.. you got a BF or sumthing!? nobody wants me sniff sniff I do, you can sew and cook an stuff there are officially two in the competition then.. did i say i was a fantastic cook? “Some may never live, but the crazy never die.” -Hunter S. Thompson "No. Try not. Do... or do not. There is no try." -Yoda Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lilDevil 2 #11 June 4, 2007 Quote Quote Quote Quote one hot chick that cheers one up.. you got a BF or sumthing!? nobody wants me sniff sniff I do, you can sew and cook an stuff there are officially two in the competition then.. did i say i was a fantastic cook? What you want to go live with Squeak too lol``````````````````````````````````` " Cant keep a good woman down " Angels have wings, but devils can fly ! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lilDevil 2 #12 June 4, 2007 Quote Quote Quote one hot chick that cheers one up.. you got a BF or sumthing!? nobody wants me sniff sniff I do, you can sew and cook an stuff I can cook and sew its the stuff im not sure about lol``````````````````````````````````` " Cant keep a good woman down " Angels have wings, but devils can fly ! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
virgin-burner 1 #13 June 4, 2007 Quote Quote Quote Quote Quote one hot chick that cheers one up.. you got a BF or sumthing!? nobody wants me sniff sniff I do, you can sew and cook an stuff there are officially two in the competition then.. did i say i was a fantastic cook? What you want to go live with Squeak too lol why, do you!? can you take a good spanking!?“Some may never live, but the crazy never die.” -Hunter S. Thompson "No. Try not. Do... or do not. There is no try." -Yoda Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lilDevil 2 #14 June 4, 2007 Quote Quote Quote Quote Quote Quote one hot chick that cheers one up.. you got a BF or sumthing!? nobody wants me sniff sniff I do, you can sew and cook an stuff there are officially two in the competition then.. did i say i was a fantastic cook? What you want to go live with Squeak too lol why, do you!? can you take a good spanking!? No but as im from manchester i can give one out so be a good boy ``````````````````````````````````` " Cant keep a good woman down " Angels have wings, but devils can fly ! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
virgin-burner 1 #15 June 4, 2007 Quote Quote Quote Quote Quote Quote Quote one hot chick that cheers one up.. you got a BF or sumthing!? nobody wants me sniff sniff I do, you can sew and cook an stuff there are officially two in the competition then.. did i say i was a fantastic cook? What you want to go live with Squeak too lol why, do you!? can you take a good spanking!? No but as im from manchester i can give one out so be a good boy i'm a nasty, nasty BAD boy.. “Some may never live, but the crazy never die.” -Hunter S. Thompson "No. Try not. Do... or do not. There is no try." -Yoda Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BillyVance 34 #16 June 4, 2007 The details of this story have changed over the years, but it is still just about the funniest shit I have ever read. The one version I remember is that the story teller informed the media that there were two gay lovers having a big spat. And "jackass" instead of "asshole" was the prevalent derogatory term. "Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
