john cleese

[AnnasSkies 0]

Since it's from 2004, maybe you all now it already, for me it's new. I laughed really hard! LOL!


John Cleese Letter to America
Variant of 'Notice of Revocation of Independence' purportedly written by John Cleese (Dec. 2004)

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed. There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is Devon. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red Dwarf will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders,your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called rounders, which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,you will go metric with immediate effect and conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. The substances formerly known as American Beer will henceforth be referred to as Near-Frozen Knat's Urine,with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen,Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or Gasoline, as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.

John Cleese

fear is the mindkill

[Douva 0]

It's funny, but it wasn't written by John Cleese. It's really not that difficult to use the same technology that provided you with this satirical rant to verify its source.

Anyone who doesn't understand the egregiousness of attributing this type of diatribe to the wrong person obviously doesn't understand the power of the written word and should, therefore, avoid wielding it.

I don't have an M.D. or a law degree. I have bachelor's in kicking ass and taking names.

[TomAiello 26]

Snopes

-- Tom Aiello

Tom@SnakeRiverBASE.com
SnakeRiverBASE.com

[Scoop 0]

Damn, does it really matter who wrote it. Its funny!

[Greene 0]

Well, yes it does in this case.
The poster lists history and literature in here profile and should have been capable of checking her sources before posting

Snopes is always available.

Lee

[Scoop 0]

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Well, yes it does in this case. The poster lists history and literature in here profile
Lee

OK, point taken

[Shell666 0]

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Well, yes it does in this case.
The poster lists history and literature in here profile and should have been capable of checking her sources before posting

Snopes is always available.

Lee

Perhaps she's new to the computer world and didn't know about Snopes.

Cut her some slack. It was funny and a simple "repost" would have sufficed.

Or are you still upset that back in 2004, you thought it was real??



'Shell

'Shell

[Greene 0]

That just might be too funny
Want me to remember what I posted in 2004?

Sorry, let us all know.

I am so glad you have the time to search all the old posts. I searched and still could not find what the hell you are talking about.

The bottom line on this thread is that she posted, almost new, and within her profile she should have known better.

I never give an excuse for "knowing better"

I just post to see what happens.

Thank you for being in the know as to what is
"happening", and to be able to keep us all informed.


lee

[Shell666 0]

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That just might be too funny
Want me to remember what I posted in 2004?

Sorry, let us all know.

Hey, lighten up! I was just replying to say, maybe she didn't know about Snopes to check the authenticity of it. That's all. I didn't mean I knew what you posted in 2004. Hell, i can't remember what I posted in 2004!

What I meant by "maybe he's still mad because in 2004 he thought it was real" (which, BTW, was a JOKE!) was that perhaps you read that same story in 2004 and thought America was being overtaken by the British. It was meant to be "funny". Hence the "wink".

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I am so glad you have the time to search all the old posts. I searched and still could not find what the hell you are talking about.

Like I said, I didn't mean YOU posted that it was real in 2004!

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The bottom line on this thread is that she posted, almost new, and within her profile she should have known better.

Should have known better how ... because she lists literature and history as interests?? Perhaps she should have but maybe she lists those as interests because she reads actual "books" and doesn't just use the internet as a resource.

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I never give an excuse for "knowing better"

I just post to see what happens.

Me too.

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Thank you for being in the know as to what is
"happening", and to be able to keep us all informed.

Anytime. If you want to know what you're thinking right now, just ask me ... I'll tell ya!



'Shell

'Shell

[Greene 0]

Thank you for clearing up the fact that I never posted anything in 2004 about Cleeves.

However, back up a bit I do not rely on the internet for my news. That was just to funny

You do not know me nor the education I have, and I assure you my knowledge does not come from the internet.

I am a professional and work with many people every day, and after I am finished with them, I come to dropzone.com for entertinment..

Skies blue to all,
Lee

[Remster 30]

Are all you people freaking 12 year old??????

Remster