karenmeal 0 #1 March 29, 2006 I need some entertaining and I need to memorize some new lame jokes for my repertoire. Please help me? "Life is a temporary victory over the causes which induce death." - Sylvester Graham Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bodypilot1 0 #2 March 29, 2006 Here ya go little girl.... A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse not on top. Be safe Edwww.WestCoastWingsuits.com www.PrecisionSkydiving.com Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
karenmeal 0 #3 March 29, 2006 Aww shucks Eddie, I should've known I could count on you to entertain me with lame jokes. "Life is a temporary victory over the causes which induce death." - Sylvester Graham Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
wingnut 0 #4 March 29, 2006 i could tell you the duck joke, but then i would have to kill you..... because others would be after me to kill me..... but it is at the top of lame jokes... ______________________________________ "i have no reader's digest version" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
karenmeal 0 #5 March 29, 2006 Which duck joke? Oh c'mon tell me!! "Life is a temporary victory over the causes which induce death." - Sylvester Graham Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Gregzilla 0 #6 March 29, 2006 Q: How many surrealistic artists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Cow "Just remember that when mortal men play superheroes, gravity is their kryptonite." Dudiest Skydiver # 3760 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bolas 5 #7 March 29, 2006 A guy walks into a bar... really should have watched where he was going. (rimshot) Stupidity if left untreated is self-correcting If ya can't be good, look good, if that fails, make 'em laugh. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
karenmeal 0 #8 March 29, 2006 OOh! That is right up my alley! Nice one. (I'm a sometimes surrealistic artist!) "Life is a temporary victory over the causes which induce death." - Sylvester Graham Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
karenmeal 0 #9 March 29, 2006 Dude... not aiming for quite that lame. "Life is a temporary victory over the causes which induce death." - Sylvester Graham Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
5432154321 0 #10 March 29, 2006 So this gent is at a classy restaurant having dinner by his lonesome. He spots a very attractive woman across the room and say’s to the waiter, “I would like to buy that gorgeous young lady the finest bottle of wine you posses”. And the waiter replies, “ No problem, right away sir”. Five minutes pass and the waiter appears at the woman’s table with a bottle of the best wine in the house and says to the young lady, “Madam… monsieur across the way sends his regards”. She replies to the waiter with her “come here” finger and he bends closer so he can hear her better. Meanwhile the young gent is watching what’s going on, but can’t read her lips as to what she’s saying cause the waiter’s in the way. After 20 seconds pass, the waiter returns the bottle of wine to the gent and says, “Madam says, that in order for her to accept this gesture from you, you need to have $200,000 in your checking, a big house overlooking the valley, a Porsche in the driveway, and 10 inches in your pants”. The gent looks over at the sexy lady and shakes his head, gets up, pays the waiter, and walks out. When the waiter returns to collect the young ladies bill, and give her back the bottle of wine, she’s confused. The waiter says, “He said he has 2.5 mil in his checking, a mansion on the beach, 2 Ferrari’s and a Lamborghini in the driveway… but… no way in HELL… would he EVER… FOR ANY AMOUNT OF MONEY IN THIS WORLD… cut 4 inches off his penis… --- xenaswampjumper SPANKS THIS ASS!!! I WISH karenmeal spanked this ass too..... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Gregzilla 0 #11 March 29, 2006 Q: What do you call a dog with short legs and steel balls? A: Sparky "Just remember that when mortal men play superheroes, gravity is their kryptonite." Dudiest Skydiver # 3760 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
wingnut 0 #12 March 29, 2006 QuoteWhich duck joke? Oh c'mon tell me!! i canot say.. but i will pm it to you.... ______________________________________ "i have no reader's digest version" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bolas 5 #13 March 29, 2006 Okay, less lame. Found this one posted by Shell666 A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. The husband wanted a new truck; the wife wanted a fast little sports car so she could zip around town. He would probably have settled on any beat-up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. "Look!" she said, "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in four seconds or less. My birthday is coming up, you could surprise me." So, for her birthday he bought her a brand new bathroom scale... Services will be held at Downing Funeral Home on Monday the 15th. Due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service. Please send donations to the. "Think before saying things to your wife foundation," Dallas, TXStupidity if left untreated is self-correcting If ya can't be good, look good, if that fails, make 'em laugh. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Peej 0 #14 March 29, 2006 I hope this isn't the same joke as Wingnut's cos i think this one rocks. A duck walks into a bar, walks up to the barman and says: "He sport, you got any lettuce?" The barman looks down at the duck and says: "firstly, my name ain't sport, secondly we don't serve lettuce or ducks, get the F**k outta here!" The ducks leaves, only to come back ten minutes later. He walks up to the barman again and says: "He sport, you got any lettuce?" The barman looks down at him and says: "Listen you quacky f**k, i told you ten minutes ago, my name ain't sport and we don't serve lettuce or ducks, get the F**k outta here!" The ducks leaves, only to come back ten minutes later. He walks up to the bar again and says: "He sport, you got any lettuce?" The barman looks down at him and says: "Motherf**ker, i thought i told you already, we don't serve lettuce and we don't serve ducks! You come in here again and i'm gonna nail your beak to the bar!" The duck wadlles out and ten minutes later he waddles in again. He walks up to the bar and says to the barman: "Hey sport, you got any nails?" The barman looks down at him and screams: "NO!" So the duck says: "Well in that case, you got any lettuce?" Advertisio Rodriguez / Sky Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Stumpy 284 #15 March 29, 2006 Did ya hear about the dyslexic insomniac agnostic? He used to lie awake at night wondering if there was a dog. Never try to eat more than you can lift Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
grue 1 #16 March 29, 2006 What'd one goldfish in the tank say to the other? "I'll man the guns, you drive!"cavete terrae. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
grue 1 #17 March 29, 2006 What'd the bottle of ranch say to the man at the fridge? Close the door, I'm dressing!cavete terrae. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Peej 0 #18 March 29, 2006 A baby polar bear walks into his family's cave and goes right over to his mom. She opens one eye, looks at him and says "what is it son?" The baby bear looks at her and says "mom, am i a polar bear?" Mom sits up very straight and says "my boy, of course you're a polar bear, i'm a polar bear, your father's a polar bear, that makes you a polar bear" Ok he says and walks over to his grandmother. "Gran" he says "am i a polar bear?" Gran looks at him and says: "my boy, your mother is a polar bear, your father is a polar bear, your grandfather is a polar bear, i'm a polar bear, that makes you a polar bear" Ok he says and walks over to his father. "Dad. Hey dad " he whsipers. "Wha..." says his father, coming out a of a deep hibernation sleep. "what is it son?" "Dad" he says, "I don't trust those females, you tell me honestly, man ta man, am i a polar bear?" Dad sits up and rubs his eyes, "My boy..." he says. "I'm a polar bear, your mother's a polar bear, your grandparents are polar bears, your brothers and sisters are polar bears, of course you're a polar bear! Why do you ask?" Baby bear looks him straight in the eye and says: "Cos i'm FUCKIN cold!" Advertisio Rodriguez / Sky Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Thanatos340 1 #19 March 29, 2006 Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?? To Prove to the Possum that it could be done. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
turtlespeed 220 #20 March 29, 2006 Difference between Like and Love . . . Spit and Swallow. ---------------- A Priest, a Buddist Monk, and a Rabbi walk into a bar - the bartender looks at them and says, "What is this, a joke?" ---------------- What does a rubics cube and a dick have in common? The more you play with them - the harder they get. ---------------- Why couldn't the gypsy get his wife pregnant? He had crystal Balls. ---------------- How do you get a witch pregnant? Fuck Her! ---------------- How do you refurbish an old pussy? Stick a five pound ham in and twist out the bone. I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
loves2jump2 0 #21 March 29, 2006 The Harley & the Chicken On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life. The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!) "When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lawrocket 3 #22 March 29, 2006 Quotei could tell you the duck joke, but then i would have to kill you..... because others would be after me to kill me..... but it is at the top of lame jokes... Of all the great mysteries of dropzone.com, I believe wingnut's duck joke is the only one for which I have made no headway. I believe it was mid 2004 when I finally decided that the greatest joke is that there is no real duck joke. It's that notional thing, the thought and concept of a joke that nobody ever hears, that is it's greatest trick. Kaiser Soze really did exist - but nobody could identify him. Pepperland? Everybody knew somebody who knew somebody who joined Paul in Pepperland. So we've got this joke that every knows someone who has heard it, but has never been mentioned. What is the duck joke? What is the meaning of life? My wife is hotter than your wife. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
karenmeal 0 #23 March 29, 2006 He won't tell you the joke? He told it to me!He probably wants to tell you the duck joke in person! "Life is a temporary victory over the causes which induce death." - Sylvester Graham Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lisamariewillbe 1 #24 March 29, 2006 I think I am one of the few who found the duck joke really funny.... It took alot of bugging him in Alans trailor for him to tell it...Sudsy Fist: i don't think i'd ever say this Sudsy Fist: but you're looking damn sudsydoable in this Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lawrocket 3 #25 March 29, 2006 I've never asked to hear the duck joke. It doesn't exist. It's all a conspiracy by everyone to ensure that there is some random thing that everyone knows doesn't exist, but everyone thinks it really does. "la la la la" My wife is hotter than your wife. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
